once again through the speaker in my car.
“Amir, this is your mother. If you would like Julien to continue under my care, I can’t stress enough that I will not tolerate any more scenes. As if Rahim accosting me while I attempted to care for my patient wasn’t insulting enough, Julien’s little loudmouthed girlfriend seemed to think her opinion of me was something I needed to know. Keep Rahim and the brunette out of my sight and I’ll continue acting as Julien’s physician. If I see either of them again, he’ll have to find a new doctor.”
I was fucking seething. First, because getting bitched out by my mother via voicemail, when the only reason she even had my number was because I was Julien’s emergency contact, was not how I’d wanted to start my day. Second, and maybe the bigger reason I careened into the hospital parking lot, parked my truck between two spaces, and stormed up to Julien’s room, was because of the troublemaking brunette. Vanessa was the only person it could possibly be. I was not on board with her being the cause of my mother bitching me out, and she shouldn’t have been visiting Julien without supervision. Even then, I didn’t want her skeevy ass close to him.
The ride up the elevator gave me a minute to cool off. Julien didn’t need me exploding and losing my visiting privileges. And my mother, as much as I despised her, was one of the best plastic surgeons in California. There was no way I would chance her walking away from Julien’s case. Not when it was my fault he was in that bed in the first place.
It was early. His room was quiet and dim when I pushed in. He was fast asleep in his bed, his chest rising and falling at a steady rhythm.
He wasn’t alone in his room. Beside his bed, a woman was sleeping. She was sitting in one of the hospital chairs, her head slumped forward, resting on his mattress. Long, dark hair spilled around her onto the white sheets.
Their hands were joined.
How sweet.
I rounded the bed, pried her hand off his, gripped her bicep, and yanked her out of the chair.
“Get the fuck out of here,” I seethed.
She stumbled into my chest, and out of pure instinct, I caught her to stop her from going down. Once I had her in my arms, my mistake blared. It had been three weeks since I’d touched Zadie, but the feel of her was ingrained so deeply in my mind, there was no erasing it.
“Amir.” She steadied herself on my chest. “I’m…oh no, I fell asleep.”
“What the fuck are you doing here?” It came out harsher than intended, but I was losing my mind looking at her sleepy eyes, the crease on her cheek from where it had been pressed on Julien’s sheet, her plump lips pursed into an O, and just about everything that was Zadie Night.
“I’m going.” She shoved against me, wiggling her arms in my grip.
Shock had me dropping my hold on her when she pushed away. She stumbled backward, shoving her curls out of her face, then bent down, grabbed her bag, and ran out of the room. I would have run after her, but I didn’t know what to say. My anger was overriding my ability to think.
Knees giving out, I sank down in the seat Zadie had just vacated. It was still warm from her, and I leaned into it, soaking it up like it was a part of her—that was how desperate I had become.
Julien turned toward me, glaring. “What did you do?” he croaked.
I poured him a cup of water from the jug on the nightstand. He drank from the straw until the cup was empty.
“What did you do to Zadie?” he repeated.
“What was she doing here?”
He reared back as much as he could while lying down. “She’s always here. Every night I’ve been here, Zadie’s been here.”
That couldn’t be right. I’d know if Zadie had been here. I knew Marco had texted her. Watched him do it over his shoulder. But she never showed. She hadn’t been here. The disappointment stacked in my belly like logs on a fire had been the thing that had kept me going. If I could be disappointed and pissed off at her, I didn’t have to remember the look of agony she’d given me at the fight.
“How would you even know? You’ve been in a coma.” I rapped my knuckles on his bed rails. “You’ve been dreaming about her?”
“I’ve been listening to her talk to me and keep Marco company night after night. So yeah, she’s been here.”
“She’s been coming…at night?” When I wasn’t here. When it was only Marco. Fuck, that hurt worse than my shattered rib.
“Yeah.” He gave me a sorry attempt of a grin. Thank Christ he was on heavy pain meds. His face had been half torn off, his leg crushed. If he hadn’t been doped up, there was no way he’d be smiling. “She couldn’t stay away from me. My Princess Z.”
It was pretty obvious I wasn’t going to get a straight answer out of him. I took out my phone to text Marco but Julien stopped me in my tracks.
“I got to witness the most epic takedown. Zadie told off Doctor Abadir when she tried to warn Zadie away from you. Dude, I wish I’d had a phone to record it, but they don’t even let me have underwear up in this place.”
“Zadie? My sweet little Zadie told off my mom?” There was no way. The drugs they had him on were obviously good shit.
“Yep. She did it in that soft voice that makes you act crazy. Told your mom she feels sorry for her for missing out on knowing you. Zadie also called her out on neglecting you and said if anyone is irredeemable, it’s your mom.”
“Fuck,” I breathed.
I was in love with this girl. There was no doubt in my mind―and no going back now that I knew.
“Yeah. You messed up, my boy.” If a guy with hundreds of stitches in his face could look smug, Julien achieved it.
“I just threw her out of your room.” I rammed my head into my hands. “Fuuuck!”
“Go. I’m fine here.” He closed his eyes. “I’m gonna take a nap.”
Julien drifted off, but I didn’t go. I stayed. Mostly because he’d very nearly died a week ago, and I wasn’t comfortable leaving him alone yet. But part of the reason I couldn’t seem to raise my ass out of my seat was because if I went to her and she turned me away after every-fucking-thing, it might be over.
I knew myself well enough to know I wouldn’t accept that answer. If I had to chain her up in my bedroom, I’d make her mine. That wasn’t what I wanted, but that was where my head was, which was exactly why I stayed where I was.
I was going to give her clean, and I wasn’t there yet. But three weeks of silence was over. She had to know I was coming.
Me: I thought you were Vanessa. I would have never thrown you out. Come back to see Julien as often as you want.
Zadie: Hi. It’s fine. I didn’t mean to fall asleep. I’ll keep my visits to nighttime. Don’t worry.
Me: Night is good, but I’m not worried. It was good to see your face, even if you were looking at me like I was an axe murderer.
Zadie: You startled me, that’s all. I don’t think you’re an axe murderer.
Me: That’s a relief.
Zadie: I’m really glad you’re alive, btw. I’m sorry Julien got hurt, but I can’t be sorry he saved you. Anyway, thanks for texting. I’ll be back to see Julien soon.
I brought my phone up, slapping it against my forehead. Fuck, this girl. She said these things, these sweet, sincere words, and they came so easily, but they were daggers that lodged in my heart.
Me: We need to talk, Zadie. I don’t know where your head’s at, but I know where mine is, and I have some things to say. I’m caught up with Julien right now, but soon, mama, we’re going to talk.
Zadie: If you’d like to talk, we can. I don’t think there’s anything left to say, but I’ll listen.
Nothing left to say? I had a lifetime of words to say to her.
It was about time we got started.
Marco and I swapped shifts. That was after I punched him in the gut for not telling me Zadie had been coming to the hospital. He thought he’d been doing me a favor. He knew better now.
When she arrived for her nightly visit, I was camped out by Julien’s bed, watching a movie with him on my iPad. She stopped at the door, her eyes wide.
“Oh. Hi.” Her eyes shifted to the door. She was seconds from bolting.
Julien stretched out his hand to her. She didn’t hesitate to cross the linoleum floor and slip her hand into his.
“Hi, Julien.” She brought his hand up and kissed his knuckles. “Still on the good stuff?”
His grin was sloppy. “I’m high as a kite, Princess Z. Amir’s making me watch No Country for Old Men for the tenth time, and I don’t even care.”
“Hi, Zadie.” I patted the chair next to mine. “Come. Sit down.”
“Hello.” She shuffled her feet, peering down at Julien before flashing her gaze to me. “Are you sure? I can come back another time. I don’t want to overwhelm you with visitors.”
Julien tried to wave her off. “Oh, please. You think you’ve ever overwhelmed anyone? You’re the exact right amount of whelm.”
I drew the chair close to me and patted it again. “Sit, mama.”
Her nose crinkled, but she skirted the end of the bed and gingerly lowered herself into the chair. “I’m not a dog,” she mumbled.
“I know you’re not.”
She turned her head, our eyes clashing. The apples of her cheeks were glowing pink. If I had my rights to her, I’d have reached out and rubbed my thumbs over the flames to see if I could stoke them higher.
Julien closed the iPad with a thump. “Zadie, tell Amir the Pi Sig story. He really wants to hear it.”
Her fingers were clasped so tight in her lap, they were turning white. “Oh, I don’t think he wants to hear that. I’m interrupting your movie.”
“Did you not hear the part about it being my tenth time watching it?” he asked.
I stared at her intently. “What Pi Sig story? Did they do something?”
Unclasping her fingers, she spread them on her thighs. “It’s long and—”
“Tell me. Julien and I have nowhere to be, and if he thinks I should hear it, I want to.” I want to hear every fucking thing you’ve been doing for the past three weeks, down to what you had for breakfast and what time you fell asleep every night. Fuck, I miss you, mama.
“Well, okay. Elena heard about this Dogfight party the Pi Sig boys were throwing. It was absolutely disgusting. The object was to invite the least desirable girl as a date, and the winner would receive the best room in the house next year. Which is definitely worth destroying an innocent girl, right?” She scoffed, and her cheeks became even more heated. “I found out this guy, Deacon, had thought of inviting me, but changed his mind because I was ‘too cute’ and—”
“What the fuck?” I was up, out of my seat, ready to destroy. “There is absolutely nothing undesirable about you. Why the fuck would anyone insinuate otherwise?”
She peered up at me, her lips twisting to the side. “Do you want me to continue?”
“Sit your ass down,” Julien barked. “Listen to the part where your girl was a badass.”
I sat, but I was plotting this Deacon asshole’s murder in my head.
Zadie sucked in a deep breath. “This isn’t really about the party, but I think you should know Deacon was the one who had been sending me notes all along. It was him at the library too. He had a thing for me, and I guess he thought the notes were the way to my heart. I don’t know. But once I found out the details of the party and Deacon’s involvement, I made a plan to stop him. I couldn’t let him or the other guys hurt the poor girls they’d invited as dates.”
A rope knotted around my heart. “What did you do?” I growled.
Julien giggled like a hyena. “This is the best part.”
Zadie bit back a grin. “Helen, Elena, and I went down to Pi Sig to visit Deacon.”
I hissed. “You went into the frat house? Three girls?”
She nodded. “We had bats.”
We had bats. We had bats. We had bats.
She’d said it so casually, like they’d gone for a Sunday stroll. With bats.
I blinked at her. “You had bats.”
“Mmhmm. So, we went to Deacon’s room, the girls scared him while I sweet-talked him into a confession. He named names, spilled the details, all of it, and I recorded it. I sent it all to President Whitlock and a few department heads. As of last week, Pi Sig lost its charter, Deacon and three other guys have been expelled, and all the campus frats have received an official warning that if they throw a similar party in the future, it will mean immediate expulsion for all attendees.”
She was smiling by the end, sitting up straight, head high, proud of herself. I was trying to get there, trying like hell, but I couldn’t get past her going to that frat house unprotected.
“Tell me the part about you having a bat.”
She blinked her big blue eyes at me, and some of the pride in her spine deflated. “We were being careful. I wasn’t scared. We had it handled. And by the time we got outside, Theo and Lock had shown up.”
“Theo and Lock showed up.”
“Yes,” she replied. “One of the frat guys texted Theo that his girlfriend was getting out of hand again. Those were his exact words too.”
I didn’t know how not to be pissed. She should have called me. I would have handled it. She never should have been there alone. Jesus, my sweet Zadie, in a frat house, carrying a bat. The image of her like that got me hard and made me want to explode in helpless rage.
When I didn’t say anything, because I was putting all my energy into not shaking her and telling her she was not allowed to take chances like that ever again, Zadie sighed and slumped in her chair.
“Well, it’s over now, so that’s good,” she said softly.
Julien’s eyes were on me, but mine were on Zadie’s feet. Her ankles were crossed. She wore red Chucks she made look girly and dainty. That only served to push me further into my head where the rage and terror mixed.
Zadie rose from her chair abruptly. “You know what? I just remembered something I have to do. Study for a test, I mean. I’ll see you soon. Be well.” She patted Julien’s hand, then rushed out of the room without a backward glance.
Like that, she had disappeared. An apparition that would forever haunt me if I didn’t act. I just stared at the door, not moving. Because my head—my fucking head—wouldn’t let me. It was throbbing, but for once, not in pain. I couldn’t find the center of my thoughts or even ascertain how to feel. There was too much whipping me left and right. Zadie in danger, not leaning on me, her bravery, her pride. Zadie barely looking at me. Not touching me. Not being mine. Fuck, she wasn’t mine, as much as I declared she was.
“Dude, go after her. Tell her you’re proud.” Julien yawned, then he winced, bringing his hand up to touch his face, only to be thwarted by full bandages covering it.
He was right. I couldn’t let her walk out of the hospital again without saying something. I bolted from the room, spotting her near the end of the corridor, almost to the elevator. I caught her right as her hand was reaching for the button.
“Zadie.”
She whipped around, pressing her hand to her chest. “Amir.”
I stopped a foot away from her. She swallowed hard, fluttering her lashes before peering up at me.
“You should have called me.”
She frowned. “I had Helen and Elena. I didn’t need help.”
“It’s not about need. I would have taken care of it for you.”
Her teeth sank into her bottom lip. Her eyes drifted to the side. “How?”
“How?”
“How would you have taken care of it? Violence?”
I didn’t have an answer. Well, I did have one, one we both knew, but I wasn’t going to say it.
“Amir.” She took a step closer, leaving half a foot between us. “I don’t mind leaning on my friends or family when I need it. But the truth is, I’ve hidden behind them when I should have been fighting my own demons. That habit led me to you, and I don’t regret that, but I can’t keep doing it. So, I’m relieved I couldn’t call you to take care of this for me. I’m proud I handled it myself, and I did it in a way where no one else will be hurt.”
I nodded, hating everything she said, but admiring it all the same. “I didn’t say it in there because I was too stunned, but I am proud as hell. I wish I’d been there to see it, but you’re right, I would have pushed you behind me to fight your demons for you.”
“Thank you.” She tucked her hair behind her ear. “I think…well, I have a ways to go, but I think I’ll trust myself to recognize the battles I can fight for myself and those I truly need help with. Hopefully I won’t have too many of those, but if I do, I’ll know.”
I crossed my arms to stop from touching her. It physically pained me to restrain myself when we were this close, but I was going to do this right.
“I’ll be there. Either way, I’ll be there.”
The breath she released was high and sharp. “Amir…I don’t know.”
“You miss me?”
Her gaze snapped to mine. “Of course I do.”
Her ready admission settled deep into my soul. “There’s not been a day…a minute, where I haven’t missed you. I’m done with Reno. I’m out.”
She nodded, her lips pressed into a straight line. “Good. That’s good. I’m relieved.”
Giving in to the pull, I reached out and cupped her cheek. She shook under my light touch.
“Give me a time, when we’re not standing in a hospital hallway, that we can talk. I have some things I need to explain, and I’m hoping like hell you’ll listen.”
She covered my hand with hers. “I told you I would.”
I let her walk away this time, but only because I’d gotten her to agree to meet. I had a time, a date, a location, and still, the need to tie her down in my bed until she promised she was still mine pulled at my insides like heavy chains. The only thing assuaging my near insanity was knowing this would be the last time Zadie walked away from me.
