accident.
The words kept repeating in my head.
Eli said she was okay. She wasn’t even in the hospital. But I couldn’t stop the panic and knew it would only recede when I saw her in person—when I touched her, felt her heart beating under my ear, assured myself she was alive.
I was alone in my suite, Helen and Elena off doing something far more exciting than hanging out with their sad, freaked-out roommate, trying to figure out how I was going to get to my mom. She lived an hour away. I could take an Uber. It would cost a fortune, but I’d already racked up quite the bill from visiting Julien, and there was no question she was worth the price too.
As I scrolled through the app, there was a knock on my door. When I didn’t get up to answer right away, another knock followed. Frustrated at the interruption, I tucked my phone into my hoodie pocket and threw open the door.
Even out of my mind with worry, Amir Vasquez possessed the ability to take my breath away. With his hands braced on either side of the doorjamb, he peered at me from under his thick, sooty lashes, sweeping a gaze over me that was two parts longing and a whole lot of desire.
“Amir.” I sighed his name like he was a daydream.
“Zadie.” He stated my name like it meant more than just ‘princess.’ It was his mission statement. I was his mission. “Are you ready?”
My mouth fell open, then I realized why he was here.
I’d forgotten he was coming. I’d been anticipating and dreading this day since that night in the hospital. And now that he was here, I couldn’t stay.
He stepped into my room, taking my face in his hands. “What’s wrong?”
“My mom…I have to go. I need to order an Uber so I can go—”
“Stop.” His thumb stroked my jaw. “You need to get to your mom?”
“Yes. Eli texted. My mom had an accident. She’s home, but I need to see her with my own eyes. I’m a little bit freaking out right now.” I pushed my hair off my forehead. “I’m sorry, I just need to—”
“I’ll drive you.”
My nose twitched as my eyes burned with tears I refused to shed. “Okay. But it’s an hour away, so I could just take an Uber—”
His fingers threaded in my hair, tugging hard enough to capture my attention. “You’re not taking an Uber. I’ll drive you, Zadie. Grab whatever you need and we’ll go.”
“Okay.” I stared at him, into the brightness of his beautiful midnight eyes. I loved him. I ached from the hugeness of loving him. “Can you…will you hug me for a minute? I’m afraid I might fall apart and I just need you to hold me together.”
He had me in his arms before I could finish asking. He held me tight against his chest, shoring up my crumbling walls until I was reasonably sure I wouldn’t fall apart when he let go. And I clung to him for just a little bit longer than I strictly needed because I’d been starving to feel Amir’s arms around me.
I did let go, though. By the time I had thrown a few things into my overnight bag and grabbed my messenger bag, Amir was by the front door, waiting for me. He took my things from me wordlessly and directed me to his SUV. He handled me with the utmost care, and it both rattled and soothed me.
Once we were on the road, directions in his GPS, I turned to him. “I’m sorry. If you want to have our talk on the drive down—”
“No, mama. Concentrate on what you need to. Our stuff will wait.” He glanced over at me, then down at my messenger bag by my feet. “You’re staying overnight?”
“I don’t know. Maybe? I thought I might stay for the weekend, to see how I can help.” I pressed my hands into my thighs. “Eli said she fainted at the grocery store and tipped her cart over on her way down. She’s got a goose egg and some bruises, but she’s okay. He thinks she ran herself ragged, which is on brand for my mom.”
He glanced at me again. “Runs in the family, right? Taking care of everyone before yourself.”
I dug my fingertips deeper into my thighs. “I don’t know, maybe. But I’m not my mom. She never stops. She’s always, always been supermom.”
“There’s nothing wrong with stopping and taking a break.” His head canted toward my legs. “You’re going to bruise yourself.”
I shook my hands out, but I needed something to do with them or I’d go crazy.
Amir offered me his hand. “Use it. Abuse it. I don’t break easily.”
My mouth quirked. “Like my own personal fidget toy?”
“Mmhmm. Whatever you need.”
I wanted badly to believe he’d be what I needed outside of this moment, but that was too big for me to even fathom right now, so I rested my hand on his and let that be enough. As the miles ticked by, I rubbed my fingertips on his palm, curled my fingers around his, and traced every line on his hand. Having my skin on Amir’s eased my stress like nothing else. My focus narrowed down to the feel of his calluses, his fluttering pulse, the heat building every time I ran the pad of my finger up and down the length of his middle one.
“Fuck,” he muttered, shifting in his seat.
My gaze flicked to him. “Is this okay?”
His exhale was ragged. His answer was clipped. “I told you it was.”
I was bothering him. Crap. That was the last thing I wanted to do when he’d gone out of his way to comfort me and drop everything to drive me down here. I started to withdraw my hand, but he grabbed it, curling his fingers around mine.
“Don’t,” he uttered lowly.
“Don’t?”
We stopped at a traffic light, and Amir faced me fully. “Do you have any idea how much I’ve missed you? You’re touching my hand and I feel like I’m going to come in my pants like a kid. That’s what you do to me, Zadie.”
I covered my mouth with my other hand. “Then I should stop.”
His blazing gaze held mine. “Don’t you dare. I haven’t felt your skin in three weeks. If this is all I ever get, I am taking every second of it.”
“Okay,” I whispered.
Amir held my hand the rest of the way to my mom and Max’s house, only he was the one doing the rubbing. It started with his index finger grazing my knuckles, then his thumb stroked the soft pad of my palm. He pressed in places I’d never known about, and caressed other places he’d discovered while we were together. Those places had me trembling as we pulled into the driveway of a home that still didn’t feel like mine.
“You’re good, Zadie. I’m here. I’ve got your back.” He touched his lips to my wrist then my palm before letting me go. He hopped out of the truck, circling the front to open my door and help me out. Standing in front of him, it was as natural as breathing to fall into his chest for a long, desperately needed embrace. Then he walked me to the house with his palm between my shoulder blades.
Eli opened the door for us before we even knocked, and I surged into his arms. He curled around me, shoving his face in my shoulder.
“You came,” he mumbled.
“Of course I did. I’m here. Don’t worry.”
I’d been crumbling on my way here, but once I saw Eli’s worried face and tired eyes, that was done. I’d be his pillar to lean on. I was his big sister, after all, even if the title was relatively new.
He let go of me and shook Amir’s hand, then guided us into the living room to see my mom and his dad.
They were snuggled together in an oversized armchair, covered in a furry throw. Max was bald now, but he wore a knitted cap on his head to keep in the warmth. His cheekbones knifed at his skin, so sharp, they seemed like they were threatening to poke through. My mom’s skin was sallow, and the rings around her eyes rivaled Saturn’s. But when she spotted me, her smile was nothing but pure delight.
“My daughter’s come to see her old, ailing mother.” She held out her arms to me, and I went, collecting another fortifying hug. Then she spotted Amir, lingering by the door, and held her arms out to him too. “Come here, my love. I’m sorry you have to see me this way, but at least you have the memory of me looking well rested.”
Amir crossed the room and was given the Felicity treatment of being hugged and fawned over. Then he met Max, who also promised he didn’t normally look so much like “dog shit.”
I knelt in front of my mom’s chair, holding her hands. “What happened?”
She wrinkled her nose. “You know me, I’m go, go, go, then I crash. Well, the thing is, I haven’t really been able to crash lately.”
Max raised his hand. “My fault. My girl can’t stop worrying, and I’ve been having some bad nights. She won’t leave me alone for it—”
Mom rolled her eyes. “As if I would. Don’t even bring that up again.”
His eyes roamed over her like she was his beginning and end, his every-damn-thing. And this was why I was able to love Max, despite the way their relationship had started. He always looked at her like that.
“But you need to rest during the day if you’re going to do that, babe. I can’t have you fainting at the grocery store,” he admonished gently, but firmly, exactly what she needed.
“I’m here for the weekend, so whatever you need, I’ll do. I’m here to be at your service while you rest. And I’ll come back as much as you need,” I promised.
Amir gripped my shoulder. “Put me to work too. I have wheels. I can do whatever needs doing.”
It turned out, what they needed was someone to drive Eli to his baseball game then a friend’s house to sleep over. Amir jumped at the chance, kissing my temple before he led my brother out the door.
My mom and Max napped while I cleaned their house from top to bottom. Not that it was dirty, but it gave me something to do and made me feel useful when I was utterly useless. I couldn’t take Max’s leukemia away or make my mom rest before she made herself sick or drive Eli to practices and cheer him on in place of his father who simply couldn’t be there. This was all I could do, so I made their house sparkle.
Later, Mom, Max, and I had dinner together. Amir had stayed to watch Eli’s baseball game and texted us pictures and updates. Max cleared his throat a few times and swiped at his eyes when Amir told us Eli had hit a home run. My mom took him upstairs soon after that.
I was scrubbing the clean kitchen counters when Amir knocked on the side door. He was watching me through the glass, and I couldn’t take my eyes off his heavy lids and the way he licked his bottom lip as he gave me a long once-over. I opened the door, stepping back to let him inside. He closed it, locked it, and took the towel from my hand, tossing it on the counter. Then he had me, pulling me close, cupping the back of my head, and just holding me.
That was all it took. All day, I hadn’t stopped moving. I’d kept my feelings locked down tight because I wasn’t here for that. This wasn’t about me. If my mother saw me falling apart, she’d never forgive herself.
But I knew, despite our distance, despite how angry he’d been with me, despite it all, Amir was my safe place. I’d thought I’d needed to hear my mom’s heartbeat to find my footing, but it turned out, it was his steady thumping that put me back on level ground. With him here, I could fall, and he’d be there to catch me. If I fell apart, he’d put me together. I couldn’t make sense of that in my head. How could he be my safe place when he used these same hands to hurt?
I stopped trying to work it out, though. It didn’t have to make sense, it just was.
Amir took me into the living room, made me sit down, and held me through it. My body trembled as the adrenaline that had kept me going all day seeped away and his arms tightened. He didn’t ask for anything back. He was simply there. Even when I stopped shaking and my tears ebbed, he held me close.
I sat up, wiping my face with my palms. “I’m okay. Thank you.”
“Yeah, you are.” He took my face in his hands. “And if you ever thank me for holding you when you need it, I’ll spank your pretty ass until you remember that’s my job.”
I swallowed hard. Amir wasn’t treating me like an ex-girlfriend, but that was what I was. We weren’t back together, even if I was letting him act like my boyfriend. More than letting him, reveling in his presence.
The last thing I wanted was space, but we needed it. I scooted to the edge of the cushion and twisted to the side to face Amir.
“How was Eli?”
He stared at me long and hard, his eyes narrowing on me. He knew what I was doing, but he didn’t push it.
“Eli is cool as shit. He’s fucking phenomenal at baseball. He’s also worried as hell about his dad, and now he’s got your mom on his worry list too. He’ll be okay, though. Maybe he could use some extra visits from his sister—who he worships, by the way—but he’s got a good head. He’ll get to the other side no matter what.”
I sniffled at the way he spoke about Eli, like he really cared. “I know I’m not allowed to thank you for taking care of me, but thank you for taking care of Eli. It means more than I can put into words.”
He shrugged. “Don’t worry about it. Like I said, he’s cool, and the game was highly entertaining. I wouldn’t mind coming down for more of his games. I wouldn’t mind it at all.”
“Amir…” I didn’t know what to say. This was all too much, and the energy I was exerting to stop myself from crashing into him was exhausting me.
“Yeah.” He grazed my cheek with his fingertips, then climbed to his feet. “I should probably go. Text me when you’re ready to head back and I’ll drive down to get you.”
My heart lurched. He was leaving? I jumped up, grabbing his hand. “I know you’re probably anxious to get back to Julien but—”
“He’s fine. He’s covered.”
“Okay. Good. Then you should stay. It’s already getting late and—”
“You don’t have to convince me. I’m staying.”
That easily, my heart settled again, even as my stomach swirled. “Okay.” I released his hand even though I didn’t want to. I’d let him go, and it wasn’t fair for me to act like I hadn’t. “Let me show you the guest room.”
With a sigh, he followed me upstairs. The bed was made up, so I just had to point out the adjoining bathroom and where extra blankets were in case he needed one. He stared at me as I nervously pointed out the obvious, and he was still staring at me as I beat a hasty retreat.
We were supposed to talk, but I didn’t want to. My chest felt battered from the upheaval of emotion I’d gone through over the past few weeks, and I’d cried myself dry. I was tapped out and had nothing else to give.
All that was true, but the biggest truth was I was making excuses out of fear. I wasn’t sure I was ready to listen to what Amir had to say, even if I had said I was.
I went through the motions of getting ready for bed, and though I was tired once I was under the covers, sleep was well beyond my grasp. I lay in the center of my bed for what felt like hours. Thinking, always thinking. Picturing Max’s face, the softness with which he watched my mother. How he loved her. How she loved him back, so deeply, she’d made herself sick over it.
Of course Amir was part of my thoughts. I couldn’t stop thinking about his texts from Eli’s game. God, that was sweet, and so very thoughtful. I didn’t know what any of this meant, but I couldn’t lie here in this bed any longer.
I crept across the hall, slowly pushing open the guest bedroom door. The room was pitched in darkness, so quiet, all I heard was my rapidly beating heart. I found the bed from memory, but once I was there, I stood beside it, unsure why I’d come.
“Get in.” Amir’s lacquered voice cut through the darkness. The covers rustled as he pushed them back for me. I lay down beside him before I could talk myself out of it, and he covered us both.
“Did I wake you up?” I whispered.
“No.” He pulled me over to his side so we were chest to chest and almost nose to nose. “I was lying here, wondering how I was supposed to sleep when you were in another bed across the hall. Last thing I expected was for you to creep in here.”
“I was having similar thoughts. You’ve been holding me all day, and it’s really greedy of me to ask for more, but—”
“Take it, Zadie. The only reason I’m here is for you. You need my arms, my strength, anything I have, it’s yours.”
Exhaling, I reached up and touched his lips in the dark. “We shouldn’t be doing this.”
“Maybe not. But I’m not in a place where I’m thinking about tomorrow. You’re here, you’re touching me, letting me touch you, I’m not going to stop it.”
He leaned forward, running his nose along mine, then his lips ghosted over the corner of my mouth. My fingers trailed down his jaw to the sides of his neck, pulling his face closer. Our lips met again, fitting together like lock to key. We stayed like that, connected and breathing each other in until one of us moved. It was hard to say which of us it was, but it didn’t matter.
He twisted, and I unlocked. Barriers dropped, we took from each other what we both needed and had gone too long without. We were nothing but hands and lips, touching, hugging, kissing, tasting.
My worries fell away with each discarded piece of clothing. Amir’s mouth traveling down my body brought me to a different place where it was only the two of us. He buried his face between my legs, and we were back in his bedroom when what we had was blossoming into the beauty it became.
Fingers sank into my flesh as he held me to his mouth, licking me and sucking my lips the way he’d discovered drove me to the brink. Pressure built in my core until I had to curve the pillow around my face to muffle my cries. Amir didn’t pause. He groaned as he lapped at me, both of us soaked. I stroked my fingers through his hair as he stroked me with his tongue. He brought me over so lovingly, with absolute adoration, I choked back a sob as I cried his name.
That brought him up, nestling his hips between my thighs, his face as close to mine as he could get it. His wide head teased my entrance as he peered down at me. Even in the dark, his midnight eyes gleamed so I could see them studying me. I held his face in my hands, rubbing my palms on his scruff. He leaned into my touch, another groan spilling out of him.
“I need you,” I whispered.
“I require you,” he answered back.
I wrapped my legs around his waist as he sank into me. It was a slow slide, my body opening to him willingly, his seeking the end of me. When he was buried to the root, he stopped. My legs tightened, keeping him so deep inside me, I felt him in my belly. Eventually, he’d have to move, but we were as joined as two people could get, and through the silence, we communicated that neither of us was in a hurry to rush it.
“Zadie.” He caressed my face, kissed my eyelids, the corners of my mouth. “I require you.”
I nodded, letting that huge statement sink into me as deep as he was. I didn’t know how to reply with words, so I lifted my head and kissed every inch of his skin I could reach. He shuddered, finally moving his hips back and surging into me again.
We made slow love, because there was no denying that was what we were doing. I didn’t think either of us knew whether this was hello or goodbye. I knew for certain it was necessary. I had to hold him, feel him, touch him, taste him as surely as I had to breathe.
Amir brought me over again and again, with his fingers and his cock, kissing me through each time I shattered under him. I was wrung out, limp, boneless, yet I still ached for him. My lips sought his with frantic need. What exactly I needed, I couldn’t say, just that his lips were where I found my answer.
Eventually, in the middle of the night, Amir let go. Like he’d held my trembling body, I embraced his. He quietly roared my name into my neck, his hips jerking against mine as he spilled liquid heat deep inside me.
We stayed like that, panting, joined together everywhere we could be joined. And then, even though I thought it would be impossible, I fell asleep while the man I loved—but might have just said my last goodbye to—kissed my face and tucked me against his thrumming heart.
