“A lavender rinse? You want me to turn my hair the same color as the old bitties at the milk bar?” I choke on the margaritas and Sage giggles at me uncontrollably.
There’s bags spread out over my bed and the floor all around us, overflowing with snacks and beauty products because Sage decided on her way over that a girls night would only work for us both if she got to mess around with my makeup.
I wonder how long it’s been since she got to do something like this, because it’s been years since I have. I also kind of think she’s guessed that and wants to do something special because she’s too sweet like that.
“You told me you can’t stand the silver look, which is crazy because the last time I tried to go icy blonde it cost me a fortune and never lightened up enough for me to pull it off.”
Drinking and talking about this stuff isn’t a smart idea but there’s something reckless in me about our friendship. Like the years of not having anyone at all to speak to or confide in has made me stupid about her softly spoken kindnesses.
I refuse to look at my reflection in the mirror by the door as I answer her, “It’s not about the color, it’s the memories that come with it. I tried dyeing it back to black a few years ago but it never really took. It’s like my hair… rejected it.”
I risk a glance over to where Sage is refilling both of our cups but she’s frowning a little at the concoction of alcohol and sugar she’s devised. “Well, what’s the worst that can happen with the purple dye? If it doesn’t take, then at least we’ve given it a shot and if it does, no more memories about… bad things chasing you.”
The rest of the night is a blur of drinks, purple dye all over my sheets, and standing in the communal showers in my underwear with Sage at three in the morning to wash the shit out. It’s messy and stupid and completely freaking life-saving.
We both wake up a few hours later hungover and desperate for food.
Gabe doesn’t show up to walk me to class and North messages me to say I still have to attend without my scowling shadow, which is fine by me. I get looks and whispers the whole day but the pounding in my head drowns most of it out and I make it through, thanks to Sage’s equally hungover presence.
When classes finish for the day, she glues herself to my side as we walk over to my dorm. The joint assignment we have is basically done anyway but I’ve quickly figured out that Sage would much rather hang out in my pathetic dorm room with me than go home. She never comments on the pathetic lack of stuff I have or how horribly uncomfortable the bed is, she just acts like this situation is completely normal.
It’s vital to my survival.
She’s become the rock for me, the one person who is keeping my sanity tethered because if I didn’t have her, I’m sure I would be a screaming, raging mess by now.
When we get to her car to drop off her extra textbooks, her phone pings and she rolls her eyes at whatever is on the screen.
“Riley? Or that bitch, Giovanna?”
Sage huffs and says, “Neither, it’s my dad. My parents are pissed about how ‘withdrawn’ I’ve become. Because in their world, it’s fine for me to be shunned but totally unreasonable for me to then refuse to go out to any social gatherings. Mom and I argued about it all this morning and now Dad is pleading with me to go to the football game.”
I shrug and hike my bag higher onto my shoulders, “Do you hate football? I could… maybe figure something out and we could both go?”
I don’t want to have to call North, but if this is important to her then I’ll do it. Sage gives me a shy look back. “I actually sort of love football. My brother plays. I miss going there, but I hate being there by myself because sitting with my parents is like torture. My mom still blames me for ruining things with Riley.”
Fuck that. I’m calling my asshole Bond and we’re going, no matter what it costs me.
I hit dial and take a deep breath, preparing myself for the fight this will be, and the cold tone of North’s voice as he answers sets my teeth on edge. “I’m about to walk into a meeting, Fallows, this isn’t a good time.”
Don’t snap, don’t cuss him out, be calm. “That’s fine, I’ll be quick. Gabe has a football game tonight and I’d like to attend it. Sage is going and we’re going to grab hotdogs and bad game food there. I just need to know that you’re not going to send a TacTeam in to grab me from the stands while I’m watching the game.”
There’s a pause, like he’s weighing out each of my words and testing how honest I’m being with him, and I take another long, deep breath to keep my cool.
Finally he says, “Fine. I’ll keep a close eye on you and Gabe will meet you after the game and get you back to your dorms. If this is an attempt to run away again, I am going to make your life miserable.”
Fuck him. “You mean like it’s not already?”
I hang up before he can get another word in and shove my phone back into my pocket, giving Sage a smirk, but she’s still grimacing in my direction at overhearing that entire… mess.
“He actually hates you, doesn’t he? God, I thought Riley was bad enough.”
I thread my arm through hers and squeeze it, “Riley is fucking horrible. At least I did something to North that made him a dick, your Bond has no excuse.”
She sighs and glances around like she’s afraid Giovanna is going to jump out of the bushes and attack us both. This is the one topic we didn’t talk about last night but she doesn’t run away from it now. “I did something wrong too. I’m not a six-foot-tall Italian model with legs men want to climb and an amazing rack. I’m just… plain old Sage. God, we need to talk about something else before the self-loathing takes over me and I spend the rest of the night drinking from a flask in the bleachers.”
There’s nothing I want more than to get wasted all over again right now and forget about this entire fucking mess, and though drinking has never been something I’ve shied away from before, there’s something about talking to North that has me hesitating.
I somehow feel as though I’m holding onto my gift harder than I ever have before, but at the same time, it’s the least in control of it I’ve ever been. Every day I’ve been here I’ve had to push down, beg, plead, ignore, and stifle the bond’s wishes, every day it has called out to the men I’m destined to be with, and every day I’ve had to smother it until there’s no sign of how deeply this entire separation has burned me.
Drinking tonight is off the table, at least until I have a hold of myself again.
I change into a pair of ripped jeans and an old sweater. I’m shocked at how well they both fit me because the last time I tried them on, they were a little on the tight side. I guess all of this time surrounded by people who hate me has slimmed me down. Sage sits on the floor in front of my mirror and does her hair and makeup. She’s pretty low-key about it, a few curls and a quick swipe of mascara, but she’s so pretty that it’s all she really needs.
It kills me how little she thinks of herself thanks to Giovanna.
Nothing would make me happier than killing that bitch, and I honestly think it would be the first death I wouldn’t feel so freaking guilty about. She would be the first person I was sure was an asshole.
Is being an asshole enough to warrant someone’s death?
Fuck, today has been too long and exhausting to be thinking about this moral bullshit. All that matters is that I shouldn’t kill anyone on campus because North is so far up my ass that he’d figure it all out. He’d see right through every lie I’ve told since I came here and he’d use it as an excuse to chain me up in his basement.
Sage grabs a chair to sit and do my hair for me while I work on my makeup. She does what little she can to tame the newly-dyed tresses, grabbing large chunks to curl in loose waves so it looks a little more natural and effortless… well, as natural as lavender hair can look. She tells me stories about growing up in the tight-knit bonded community, little stories about everyone except my own Bonds, and I have to focus on keeping my hand still with all of the laughing we’re doing.
I go all out on my own makeup.
I need a lot more to look half as good as Sage, and it’s been months at this point since I’ve been able to feel good about myself at this sort of level. I choose colors that set off the blue tones in my hair and when I’m done, Sage sprawls back on my bed while I put some product in my hair to set the curls a little.
It’s chilly out and I don’t want to lose all of her hard work.
“I feel guilty,” Sage says, breaking the silence.
I glance over to her but she’s too busy scrolling aimlessly on her phone to meet my eye. “Over what? It’s not your fault I’m stuck here and you can go out and have a life.”
She sighs and puts her phone down. “I’m a terrible friend. There’s a part of me that’s relieved that North has you on lockdown because that means you’ll stick around. I haven’t ever had a friend like you. God, even the people I thought were my friends before Riley threw me aside were nothing like you. I’m— God, I’m so sorry, Oli.”
Not even my broken Bonds make me feel like this. “Why would I be mad about that? How could I be angry that you actually like me and want to be my friend? Listen, if things were the other way around, I can guarantee I’d feel the same way.”
She smiles at me but her eyes are still way too sad. “You wouldn’t. You’re the most selfless person I’ve ever met. You take everything that your Bonds are throwing at you and just… move on with it.”
I wish that were true.
Would I be this sure about what I was doing if there wasn’t such a huge risk? Would I be as strong as I am now if I wasn’t already aware of how many people will die if I don’t manage to get away from my Bonds, if the Resistance finds me again?
I’m not sure I would be.
I shrug and pile the makeup back in Sage’s bag carefully, mindful not only that it isn’t mine, but also that it’s all high quality and expensive products, stuff I’ve never even considered before because I’m broke.
“I don’t care about that shit, Sage. I care about all of the other qualities you have that make you the best possible friend for me. I care about you showing up here with arms full of makeup without me ever asking because you know there’s no way I could dress up without your help. I care about you inviting me over for tacos and margaritas. I care that when I grab notes in classes when you’ve skipped them, you thank me like I’ve conquered a kingdom for you. I care that you don’t give a shit about all of the things people say about me, you chose to get to know me before you made judgement. I have a million other things for you but let’s just leave it at that. You’re fucking incredible and someday you’ll believe me when I say that.”
She grins and ducks her head. “You’re pretty good yourself, Fallows. So good that I’d run away with you if you decide to leave again.”
WE HEAD out to the game early because it turns out that Sage maybe wasn’t vehement enough about how much she loves football and because of how much she loves the game, she’s extra picky about where we sit. She’s at a whole new level of excitement about the whole thing, talking nonstop the entire way over to the stadium about all of the players and stats about the team. She even gushes over Gabe, completely disregarding her usual reluctance to talk about my Bonds in her excitement about us watching the game tonight.
I don’t mind at all because seeing her this happy is unheard of. We’ve been friends for weeks and the most I’ve gotten out of her has been a shy smile and the occasional dry laugh, but right now she’s oozing joy.
We have to stop by her house on the way over to the stadium and I wait in her car, texting updates to North like an obedient little possession. He sends a lot of one word replies, like I’m not really worth his time, so I make my own messages too long and too detailed, just for spite.
I hope he fucking hates it.
I’m giggling to myself like a child when the car door opens again and Sage slides back into the driver’s seat.
‘I grabbed Maria’s season pass for you so we can head straight in. She’s working late tonight, so Dad’s sending her updates. And we won’t have to put up with her,’ Sage says as she starts the car and pulls out from the driveway, her playlist starting and blaring indie punk bands through the cab.
Maria is her dad’s other Bonded and completes her parent’s triad bond. She works for the Council as a lawyer, and as one of North’s key advisors, and has been giving Sage a hard time about being friends with me.
Sage avoids her at all costs.
I’m also going to do what I can to stay away from her psycho-ass. Can you imagine being so involved with your boss that you’d do what you can to interfere with his Bond’s friendships?
No thanks.
We’re early enough that parking is easy and Sage chats to everyone we see like they’re old friends of hers. Stilted, because they all look at her with pity and thinly veiled mistrust, but they all acknowledge her, so it’s half a step up from the other students at college.
Sage sighs and points over to a couple. ‘There’s my parents. They’re sitting in my spot, waiting for us.’
Oh shit.
This feels like a whole lot of pressure right now that I didn’t sign up for, but Sage chews on her lip and I’m back in defensive bestie mode because I’m freaking pissed that even her parents aren’t a safe space for her anymore. Everyone has turned their backs on her, thanks to something she has no control over.
Then, as if my shitty attitude was a calling sign to him, Riley arrives with Giovanna on his arm and they weave through the small crowd that’s started to form. He’s staring at his Bonded like she’s set his whole world alight with her beauty and there’s this sickening air of smugness around them. As though being together isn’t enough, they also have to rub it in everyone’s faces.
The moment Riley sees Sage’s parents he turns the charm on and schmoozes them like a total creep. They lap it up too, just falling over themselves to speak to him, like he hasn’t shoved a knife through their daughter’s heart.
Disgusting, the lot of them.
Sage hesitates for a second before she tugs at my arm to grab my attention away from Riley’s grinning face. “Can we go down to the locker rooms and see my brother? I need some air.”
Yeah, because out here in the open air of the night is freaking suffocating now that her asshole of a Bond is down there looking like an all around stand-up guy.
He’s fucking scum.
I nod and walk back down with her, watching as she talks her way through every barrier with ease, ignoring all of the shitty looks from everyone like a pro. I don’t take it as well and by the time we make it into one of the training rooms, I’m scowling at every person in there like I’m going to make myself their problem.
Sage bumps my shoulder with hers to jolt me out of my savage look as she texts her brother to come out and meet us both. He doesn’t answer her back, but we decide to wait around. Thankfully, it doesn’t take long.
Sawyer looks a lot like Sage, his ash-brown hair is cropped short and a smudge of dirt is already on his face thanks to whatever they’ve been doing for warmups. He’s laughing and joking with his teammates but when Sage calls out to him, he looks over with surprise and real affection.
They’re close, and he’s clearly missed her showing up to watch him.
I honestly don’t care how much shit I catch from North and my other Bonds for being here, I’m going to do everything I can to show up to every game with Sage from now on.
Sawyer frowns a little at me as he approaches us but he pulls Sage into an easy hug. “Braving the storm? I didn’t think you’d cave to Mom.”
Sage scoffs and shrugs. “She wore me down, finally, and I’ve been craving hotdogs all week. How are you feeling?”
I zone out a little while they talk about the stats of tonight’s game, all of the sports jargon flies straight over my head because while I have a general grasp on the sport, I definitely do not understand half of what they’re saying right now.
Instead, I look around the hallway at all of the guys getting ready for the game. Most of them are already dressed and ready for the game, some of them are going through their pre-game rituals, and all of them are grinning wildly.
The quarterback smiles at me, flicking his wet hair out of his eyes, but his eyes linger on Sage for a second before he turns away. He’s definitely older than us, probably a senior, and he’s hot as hell. Sandy blond hair and clear blue eyes, there’s a dimple in his cheek that would melt most girls, but I’m immune to guys and their charms, thanks to my messy bond situation. There’s also a sadness that’s clinging to him when he looks at Sage that sets my teeth on edge.
Why is everyone so freaking obsessed with pitying her and treating her like shit?
“Shit, sorry, Sawyer, this is Oli. I forgot you two haven’t actually met yet.”
I blink away from the guy and smile at Sawyer, trying not to be offended at the uneasy look he’s giving me. He’s probably worried about Gabe giving him shit if he’s even a little bit nice in my direction, so I shift back on my heels and give him a tight smile. “Nice to meet you, and good luck with the game tonight.”
He gives me a curt nod back and then hesitates before saying, “Thanks for coming with Sage tonight. It means a lot to me that she’s here.”
I shrug and shift away from him a little more. “No worries, I’ve been meaning to come see what all the fuss is about.”
Sage smiles at me but it doesn’t reach her eyes, and I step away from them both to give them a second to talk without me hovering and making things more awkward. I try to blend in with the crowd, which is impossible thanks to my notoriety, and I find myself back out in one of the hallways. I know which direction I should be heading in to get back out to our seats but I stop and mess around on my phone to look busy while I wait for Sage instead. I don’t want to run off on her and leave her alone with all of these shitty people.
I’m there for a few minutes before something catches my eye.
The door to another of the training rooms is open a little and I can see Gabe shaking the hand of the captain of the other team. Nothing groundbreaking about that show of sportsmanship except… except there’s something in his hands that he’s just handed over to him. Drugs? Wait, no, it’s a piece of paper. They’re both looking around like they’re doing something highly illegal and then Gabe’s eyes hit mine through the doorway.
He sees me.
I see him.
I have no fucking clue what he’s doing but I’m sure I could walk into the locker room and find his coach and ruin his life right now. The little flash of panic in his eyes tells me I’m not wrong, he’s doing something that would get him kicked off of the team… or thrown in lock up for the night.
We just stand there and stare at each other for a beat too long, so much bullshit floating silently between us.
“Hey, sorry for taking so long. We should grab our seats.”
I startle and find Sage staring at her feet, her eyes a little red. It snaps me out of the little trance I was in and I look away from Gabe, sliding my arm through hers until we’re tucked together as we walk.
I’ve never been a snitch and I’m not going to become one just because Gabe has been an ass to me.
We walk back up to our seats and Sage introduces me to her parents in the most awkward conversation I’ve been in since coming here. They both clearly don’t want me around their daughter but they smile and pretend to be polite, probably because she came here tonight thanks to me.
I roll with the punches and ignore them, chatting and faking like this is all fine with Sage as the game starts and she really lights up. Sometime after half time, when we’ve eaten and laughed until my stomach aches, her parents take a call and stand to go grab something to eat for themselves. A girl I’ve never seen before slides in next to Sage and she instantly tenses, immediately on high alert.
Why won’t the bullshit of tonight ever end?
There’s a beat of silence as the cheering around us is deafening but when the crowd quietens, Sage speaks.
‘Oli, this is Gracie. Her brother, Felix, is on the team.’
She doesn’t sound worried or upset, so I follow her lead and lean forward to get a look at the girl. She’s pretty, blond hair styled beautifully, but she’s wearing a band tee and has a nose ring. She looks out of place here but totally at ease.
Gracie nods at me with a small smile. ‘Thanks for hanging out with my girl. She’s been too sad these days, but she also won’t come hang out with me to cheer the hell up.”
I glance at her and then Sage but Sage’s eyes are fixed on her brother. I stick with loyal bestie vibes. “She’s my best friend, I’ll always be here for her.’
Sage startles, her eyes hitting mine, and then she grins. ‘You’re the one risking a TacTeam to hang with me, I think you deserve a little thanks.’
I roll my eyes. ‘Don’t remind me. So, Gracie, which one is Felix? I just barely have the rules straight, I couldn’t pick out players to save my life.’
She laughs and points out the quarterback, the same one from the locker room earlier. ‘That’s him. Did Sage tell you he’s obsessed with her? He’s been trying to get her to date him since Riley became the world’s biggest asshole, but she’s become a ghost.”
I look over at her, shocked, but Sage shrugs. ‘I don’t want a pity date. I get that he’s Sawyer’s friend and cares for me, but I’m not going to make a bad situation even worse.”
Gracie rolls her eyes, a mirror of my reaction. ‘He’s been obsessed with you for years. He tore the training room apart when he found out you and Riley were Bonds. This has absolutely nothing to do with Sawyer.’
I glance between them but Sage seals her lips shut and refuses to say another word, even after Gracie says a sad goodbye and leaves us again.
It’s not until way after Gabe and his team win the game and we’re waiting by the locker room for him to take me back to my dorm room that she finally speaks again.
‘Someday, he’s going to find his Bonds, and I can’t take losing someone else. A long time ago… I once thought that maybe I was the Central Bond and I’d get to have them both. Stupid. I try to stay away from Felix now because even if we’re not Bonds, seeing him with someone else is going to hurt. I can’t know what it’s like to have him and then lose him. Riley is bad enough.’
I nod because I get it. I get it better than anyone else ever could. Being around my Bonds now, the best protection that I have is their anger and hatred of me. If I didn’t have that, I’d crumble under the weight of everything we have against us.
I’d break.
