SIXTEEN YEARS OLD
THE SCHOOL’S doors I’d just come through fly open again with so much force the metal handle slams into the stone building. The sound of my name being called quickly follows, but I don’t turn around to look at her.
“Rafferty.”
Her voice carries over the sound of the rain hitting the metal awning above us and cement ground in the parking lot. The gym has a separate entrance connected to the back parking lot I’d parked in. I’d hoped for a clean exit, but apparently that won’t be happening for me since she followed me out here.
Her heels click on the walkway as she moves closer to where I stand. Sighing deeply, I throw my head back in frustration. My breath makes a plume of smoke in front of my face when I exhale. I wish it was real smoke, but I ran out of the cigarettes I stole from my dad. He hasn’t figured out I’ve been helping myself to the stash he keeps in his home office desk. I could get them elsewhere, but there’s something fun about stealing from him.
“Rafferty,” Posie repeats like an incessant broken record.
Turning in a slow and lazy manner, I finally face her.
I’m irrationally angry about how good she looks. It was never a question of Posie Davenport being pretty, but tonight she’s downright stunning. Her hair, which has a few new blonde highlights thanks to my mom’s salon day idea, is tied up with tendrils framing her face. The combination of her green dress and her makeup has her soft brown eyes appearing lighter. The high-necked dress accentuates every curve I didn’t know she had. There’s a slit up the side and, well, that’s just the cherry on top.
“What are you doing out here?” I question tersely. “Where’s your date? I’m sure he misses you.”
Her bare arms fold tightly in front of her, and she scowls at me. “Where’s your date? I haven’t heard her voice all night. Did you put a muzzle on her?” Posie dramatically looks around me as if Hannah is going to magically appear at my side.
“There was no need to go that far. I just left her at the restaurant.” We didn’t make it through the appetizers before I was standing from the table and walking out the door without her. Asking Hannah to the dance was an impulse decision fueled by anger and a whole lot of jealousy. The ironic part about the latter emotion is I didn’t realize that’s what I had been feeling until tonight when I saw Chance slow dancing with Posie.
The personal discovery was so unsettling I decided I needed to leave. Had I not lingered in the shadows as long as I had, I could have slipped away before she knew I was there. Instead, I watched long enough for her to spot me. She’s always had an uncanny ability to find me in a crowd.
“You just left her there?”
“She makes terrible company.” Entirely apathetic to the whole situation, I shrug my shoulders. “Unlike your date, it seems. You guys looked like you were having a great time. He just can’t seem to keep his hands off you.”
“We were just dancing.”
“Is that why he was touching your ass then?”
Her mouth opens and closes multiple times like she’s trying to find her words. Giving up, she throws her hands in the air in frustration. “I don’t understand you, and every time I try to, I’m left more confused. For as long as I can remember, you’ve kept me at arm’s length, but the second I step foot in this school, you pee a circle around me. You tell me I should go to the dance with Chance, and when I accept his offer, you look at me like you hate me for doing so. You kept saying that you had no interest in coming tonight, but then you go and ask Hannah, and then you leave her at the restaurant.”
All the years we spent with Posie were mostly at our house. We never went to the same schools and or had the same extracurricular activities. No matter what she might think, I always did like when her attention was on me even if I didn’t show it. Growing up, the only person I ever had to share her with was Pax. When she walked in the front doors of Hemlock Hill and everyone’s eyes turned on her, I didn’t like it. Then, the dumb cocksucker Fitzgibbons started to flirt with her, and I fucking hated it. It became clear I was going to need to do something to stop it. My plan was working until Chance got ballsy and asked her to the dance.
I have no idea how to admit this to her, so I continue with my impassive facade. “Was there a question in there somewhere?”
Her eyes light up with anger and irritation. “Yes, multiple!”
“Would you mind narrowing it down?”
“Why must you always be such an asshole?”
I cock my head at her. “Was that the question you wanted answered?”
Her lips are pressed into a straight line, and she stares at me through narrowed eyes.
Wanting this interaction to be over before we both say things we might regret, I step back. “Okay, if we’re just going to have a fucking staring contest…”
She cuts me off. “Why did you ask Hannah to the dance?”
“Why did I ask her? Did you really just ask me that?” My voice starts to raise as my anger bubbles closer to the surface. “Why did you agree to go with Chance?”
She doesn’t hesitate even a second before answering. “Because you asked Hannah!” Her blunt honesty has me jerking back. “And you fucking told me to, remember?”
Of course, I remember. That was the same night my dad laid into me for being ‘disrespectful’ to him. Later, when I couldn’t sleep, I thought more about Posie and Chance than about what my dad had done. The stuff with my dad has been going on since I was old enough to realize what an absolute piece of garbage he is. He likes when people fear him. That’s probably why he latched on to my mom. The second I stopped finding him scary and started talking back to him is when it all started. As long as he doesn’t take his rage out on my brother or Mom, I can handle the belt. The situation with Posie and Chance was new, and I didn’t know how to handle it. That’s why I stayed up thinking about it.
“I didn’t think you’d actually go through with it!” I bite back.
This has her brows drawing together. “Why not? Because of your little rule about staying away from everyone?”
“No, because I didn’t think you liked him enough to go with him.”
“I don’t!” she yells at me, the frustration she’s feeling getting the better of her. “And it’s so fucking stupid because he’s actually a great guy but I don’t feel anything for him! I can’t because I’m still hung up on you; a guy who has given me nothing but mixed signals and emotional whiplash!”
I freeze in place and the world around us seems to grow quiet.
“You don’t mean that,” I tell her, not fully believing what I’m hearing. While I’ve been so busy being confused and frustrated by my own … feelings… has Posie been secretly hiding her own? Or have I just been blind to them the whole time?
She assumes I’m talking about the wrong thing. “Yes, I absolutely do. If you keep this hot and cold bullshit up, I’m going to end up in therapy, and I will be sending you my bills.”
“No, not that part,” I correct, shaking my head at her. “You said you’re hung up on me.”
Her arms cross in front of her again like she’s trying to put a boundary between us as the tips of her cheekbones grow pink. “You probably think I’m sad and pathetic, don’t you? I mean, it’s ridiculous how long I’ve liked you, but you started calling me butterfly and I just haven’t been able to shake it since.”
She was barely seven years old when I started calling her that. That means for almost a decade, while I was struggling to understand how I felt about her, she was feeling a similar way? How could I have missed it?
At my silence, Posie shrinks back a step or two and rubs her temple like our conversation has given her a headache. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to unload all this. It was not my plan. You were just standing there watching me dance, and the look on your face… it looked like you hated me, but a little piece of me hoped that it may have been because you were jealous. I guess I just finally needed to know which it was…” she trails off awkwardly, eyes looking between me and her shoes.
At my lack of response, she sighs in exhausted defeat. With her head down, she pushes past me and moves in the opposite direction of the building. Stepping out from under the awning we’ve been standing under, she walks into the rain.
“Posie!” I call, running after her. The rain is freezing and instantly soaks through my white button-down shirt. I can’t imagine how cold it feels on her bare arms. “Posie, wait.”
She whirls around. With the water running down her face, I can’t tell if she’s crying or not, but something in my gut tells me she is. “Why are you even here, Raff? You abandoned your date, so it’s not like you’re here to rub her in my face,” she asks.
I’ve been lying about how I feel about her for so long, that being honest doesn’t come easily. But I find a sense of freedom when I finally tell her the truth. “I’m here for you.”
“Why?”
I stalk toward her, and once she’s in reach, I grab the sides of her small face and thread my fingers through her hair. “Because I don’t hate you.”
Her entire body stiffens as my mouth collides with hers. She gasps against my lips and, out of instinct, tries to pull away. It’s as if it takes both her mind and body a moment to figure out what’s happening, and when they finally do, Posie melts into me. Her movements are timid and unsure, but I gently coax her with my own and she soon catches on. Knowing I’ve just stolen her first kiss pleases something inside me.
The cold rain falls on us, soaking our clothes, but I can’t feel it. I’m lost in the feeling of her lips on mine and her tentative hands exploring my chest and arms. You don’t know just how hard you’re fighting something until you finally give in. There is peace in surrender. The weight I’d unknowingly been carrying around for years lifted the second she started to kiss me back, and a calm I’ve never known wrapped around me like a blanket.
I kiss her deeply once more before pulling back so I can look down at her. The smile that is on her face could break hearts and knowing that I’m the reason for it… Well, I don’t know how to describe how that makes me feel. The makeup that had been perfectly done around her eyes is running down her cheeks from the rain, and the loose pieces of hair around her face are sticking to her forehead and cheeks. She’s never looked more beautiful.
Lips skimming against her temple, I breathe her in before pressing my forehead to hers. Her hands hold my sides, her fingers curling into the wet fabric.
“I’m not good at this, Butterfly. Emotions and feelings… They’re not where I excel.” This feels like an understatement since it took me years to figure out what it was I was feeling toward her. “I’m going to mess up. Just promise you’ll be patient with me.”
Reaching up, her thumb swipes across my bottom lip, wiping away the raindrops that have collected on my skin before kissing me softly. “I promise,” Posie whispers when she pulls back.
In the distance, I can hear faint music coming from inside the gym. “Can I have this dance?”
In the freezing rain in a dark parking lot with only our combined heartbeats as music, Posie dances with me.
