I HAVE FELT my world fall apart around me on two separate occasions. The first was when I screamed at Posie in the street while they put my father in the back of a squad car. The second happened when Pax found our fully-clothed mother submerged in her bathtub. Now, listening to my brother reveal the truth after all these years, I feel it crumbling for a third time.
It’s not her fault. None of it is.
He would show up in my room.
I wasn’t ashamed of the bite marks. I was ashamed of what he was doing to me while he left them.
I took the pain my dad dealt me with gritted teeth and with as much dignity as I could muster because I thought by doing so, I was protecting Paxton. If our father’s wrath was directed at me, I thought it would stop him from doing the same to my little brother.
And now I’m learning all this time later that I was wrong and that I’ve failed my brother.
I failed Pax.
And the bite marks marring his back are proof of that.
The anguish in his eyes as he discloses the other unspeakable and sinister pain he’d endured at the hands of our father is proof of that.
Nothing I endured will ever compare to what Pax had to silently go through. The physical scars I carry with me pale in comparison to the emotional scars and trauma he’s coped with all this time.
The beer I drank earlier is starting to turn violently in my stomach as I envision my father sneaking into his youngest son’s bedroom.
There were so many chances that I could have dealt with my father—eliminated the problem altogether. I was bigger. Stronger. I could have had him on the floor bleeding before he had a chance to bring his belt down, but I never did it. I never did it because I was afraid of what the repercussions would be on my family. If I killed him, it would have destroyed my mother, and if I didn’t, I feared he’d put his hands on Pax. I couldn’t see a way to stop it without it hurting either of them.
All I ever wanted to do was keep my mother and brother safe, and I couldn’t do that. I couldn’t protect them from my father.
And now I know, I was never the one protecting him. It was Posie.
She selflessly took on the crushing weight of the blame and the ruthlessness of my hatred to keep my brother safe. When in reality, she’d done nothing to deserve either.
The vomit is coming up before I can make it to the small trash can in the corner. Half of my stomach’s contents hit the side of the plastic bin, and the other half thankfully makes it into the plastic trash bag. I stand in the corner until there’s nothing left in my system and I’m dry heaving.
My body is shaking when I wipe my mouth with my sleeve. On unsteady feet, I turn around to face both of them. While I’d been otherwise occupied, Posie had shifted from her place against the wall to stand at my brother’s bedside. Her eyes are full of tears as she helps him retie the back of his hospital gown.
The unyielding loyalty he’s shown her during my years of vengeance and wrath makes perfect sense to me. So does his substance dependency.
The lies that have been shrouding the truth for so long have lifted, and I’m finally seeing the full picture. It’s gut-wrenching and heartbreaking, and I don’t know how I never figured it out before now. It was all right there in front of me.
“This whole time … you knew?” I choke out, stumbling back to lean against the sterile white wall.
Her face crumples. Her brows furrow, and she presses her lips tightly together to keep back a sob. All she can manage is a jerky nod.
My brother lifts his head and finally looks at me. “She let you believe she’d done everything on her own to protect you because I made her promise to never tell anyone what Dad did to me. I couldn’t—can’t—handle anyone knowing. It was never Posie’s fault, Raff.” His arms wrap around himself like they’re a protective blanket. “It wasn’t her fault that Mom took those pills and died. It also isn’t her fault I’m here right now. Both are mine.”
Posie lays her hand on his shoulder. “Neither is your fault.” When he wraps her hand in his, she gives him a ghost of a smile. “I know it’s impossibly hard, but don’t for a second let yourself believe that.”
“I’m really sorry for what I put you through, P.” Pax looks back at me. “What I put both of you through. I wish I could go back and handle it differently. The pain it caused you guys…”
My throat is so tight, I don’t know if I can talk.
“Don’t.” Posie shakes her head. “Don’t go there, because in the end, I’d still do what I did to protect you. Both of you. That’s all that’s ever mattered to me.”
She’s let me hate her—hurt her—just to keep my brother’s secret. She broke my heart and hers in the process because Pax asked for help, and she didn’t think twice about it. She willingly sacrificed everything we had and the future we’d been planning to save him from the monster that is my father.
She saved him but I lost her.
My knees, which are shaking as badly as the rest of me, finally give out and I slump down against the wall. The laminate flooring is cold through my jeans and feels good against my too warm skin. Legs pulled to my chest, my head falls into my hands.
How could I have missed what was happening to Pax. We lived under the same roof, and yet I was completely oblivious to the pain he was being subjected to. The signs were there. The nightmares and the change in his personality halfway through his freshman year should have been like glowing neon signs alerting me.
Fuck. He was too goddamn young to have to deal with that.
Hand scrubbing my face, I wipe the tears away that I hadn’t realized had fallen from my closed eyes. “I’m… fuck. I’m sorry, Paxton,” I manage to rasp out. “I’m sorry I didn’t know you needed help.”
“How were you supposed to know? I tried really hard to hide that it was happening. From everyone.”
“I should have paid better attention.” Those nights when I snuck into Posie’s bed and slept soundly next to her, I had no idea what heinous things were happening a few doors down. Had I not been so distracted and caught up in my relationship with Posie, would I have figured out what was happening?
Unable to sit still any longer, I manage to pull myself off the ground. I can feel two sets of concerned eyes on me when I begin to pace the length of the room.
“I’m sorry you were put in a position where you felt like you had to protect me from him. That wasn’t fair to put on you. You were just a kid.”
“So were you…” I mumble so quietly I’m not sure either of them hears me. “So. Were. You!” I repeat, but this time with a broken roar.
The sudden surge of rage that fires through me is uncontrollable and my fist is going through the nearby wall before I can comprehend what I’m doing. I don’t feel it when the drywall shatters around my fingers. I’m sure I’ll feel it tomorrow, but that’s a problem for then.
Posie’s foot lifts off the ground like she’s going to come to my aid, but something on my face has her halting by the side of the bed. I want her to come to me, but I don’t know how to let her be close to me right now. Not after what I’ve done to punish her for something she didn’t do.
“My mother’s death…” I trail off, not able to choke out the rest of the words.
“Wasn’t her fault,” Pax fills in. “I knew it would wreck Mom if Posie turned him in, but I told her to do it anyway. I was the one who put Mom in that bathtub. Everything you’ve blamed P for, you need to put on me.”
My head shakes instantly. “No. I can’t.”
“You can. I’m the one—”
“You didn’t do anything wrong!” I yell over top of him, storming to the other side of his bed. My hand grips his shoulder in a tight squeeze as I bend down so we’re at eye level. “You didn’t do anything wrong,” I repeat to make sure he’s hearing me. “I don’t blame either one of you for what happened with Mom. I can’t blame you because had I known back then what I do now, I wouldn’t have thought twice about dealing with Adrian myself.” How can I call him Dad after knowing what he’s done? “I don’t know if I could have saved Mom back then, but I know I would have done whatever it took to save you because you are fucking worth it, little brother.”
My priority would have shifted to my brother’s well-being over my mom’s, just like Posie’s did. My mom, while dealing with her own struggles, was an adult. Paxton was a helpless and abused child. There is no question in my mind I would have done whatever it took to help him.
Pax’s face falls before he drops it to my shoulder and his arm wraps around me. I hug him back just as tightly as his body shakes in silent sobs. Over his head, I meet Posie’s tear filled eyes.
This girl.
She was my first love and then my enemy, but through it all she remained our guardian angel.
She never wavered in her promise to Pax. With everything I threw at her, she remained strong. The night Paxton kept apologizing to her has become so much clearer to me. Even when I held her at knifepoint, she kept all the blame on her. She bled to keep his secret.
I want to tell her something profound and all-encompassing for everything she’s secretly been doing, but right now, all I can manage to say is, “Thank you.”
It’s only two small words, but the way the tension melts from her frame tells me she’s needed to hear them for a very long time. I would also wager she never thought she’d hear them because she was committed to taking everything to the grave with her.
Wiping the tears falling down her cheeks, she nods at me. “I’m always going to protect you two.”
I squeeze Pax with my arms once more before letting him go. “You don’t have to anymore, because I’m going to take care of it,” I announce, backing away to the door. “I should have done it when I was seventeen, and I will regret not doing it sooner for the rest of my life, but I’m going to make it right.”
Posie’s face pales and her eyes widen with worry. I’m turning away from her and stalking out the door as she calls my name.
“Rafferty! Stop! What are you going to do?”
I don’t turn around. If there was anyone on this planet that could stop me, it would be her, but tonight, it won’t work. Nothing is going to change my mind.
I ignore the nurses’ worried faces when I charge past their station and down the short hallway. I’m too wired to wait for the elevator, so I opt for the stairs. My mind is consumed by a swarm of buzzing thoughts while I take the stairs two at a time. I’m going to be calling in a lot of debts to make it all happen, but it will be worth it. For Paxton. For Posie. For my family. The blood on my hands will be worth it.
I’m almost at the exit doors in the hospital lobby when I hear her behind me again.
“Rafferty!” My name sounds breathless from her running to catch up to me.
The automatic glass doors have just slid open when her hand wraps around mine and she pulls me to a stop. Body tense as stone, I don’t turn to face her. Not willing to talk to my back, she shifts in front of me and blocks my path.
“Where are you going?” she repeats, the worry dripping off her every syllable. “You can’t just leave him after that. He needs you right now.”
“He’s safe with you. I know that now.” He felt so safe with her, he trusted her and her alone with his deepest secret. “I’ll be back soon.”
She doesn’t accept this. “You’re not thinking straight right now. I can see it on your face that you’re planning on doing something reckless. You have to take a minute and be smart about this.”
“No, you’re wrong. I am thinking straight. For the first time in a long time, everything is clear, and I know what I need to do.” I take my hand from hers so I can hold her face between my hands. She chokes on a small sob and her eyes flutter closed for a second before red-rimmed, honey eyes lock with mine. “You’ve carried the weight of this by yourself for too long. It’s my turn.”
“Raff…”
“I understand now why you did what you did,” I murmur. “I don’t know how I’m ever going to make up for what I put you through because of it, but this is a start.”
“I don’t need you to make up for it,” she insists, hands covering mine. “I just need you to stay here with him. With me. We’ll figure out what to do next together.”
The years we’ve lost because of everything is time together we’ll never get back, but I’m not willing for this—for him—to ruin whatever our future may be. I don’t know what it will hold for us, but I do know one thing without a shadow of a doubt.
“I love you, Butterfly.” Her breath shudders in her chest when I press my lips to her forehead. “I know telling you now doesn’t fix anything, and I have a lot of work to do to make things right, but I need you to hear me say it.”
It’s not fair to her when I pull away and walk through the open doors behind her. No matter how much she may want to, I know she won’t follow me any farther because she won’t leave Paxton in his hospital room alone. Her unyielding devotion to my brother will work in my favor because I know someone will be by his side while I’m taking care of my family’s lingering threat.
I’m halfway through the parking lot when I press my phone to my ear and a familiar voice picks up my call.
“Hey.”
I don’t waste any time. “I need your help.”
