IT’S BEEN seventy-two hours since my time protecting Paxton’s secret came to an end and Rafferty left me alone in the hospital lobby. It feels longer because I haven’t slept more than a handful of hours here and there over the past three days. Between taking care of Pax while he detoxes from the drugs and alcohol and worrying about Raff, sleep hasn’t come easily to me. On top of that, I’m fucking emotionally exhausted. It’s as if the past six years have finally caught up to me and I’m feeling everything we’ve been through all at once.
The doctors tried to keep Pax longer for observation, and when he denied them that, they had a doctor come in and talk to him about going to a rehabilitation center. I could tell there was a part of him that wanted to accept their help, but ultimately, he said no. I don’t think he’ll be able to think about the next steps in his recovery until he knows what is happening with Rafferty. The stress of the unknown is affecting him just as much as it is me.
Well, it’s not entirely unknown. We both have a fairly good idea what he’s out there doing, but neither of us have said it aloud. It’s not exactly a topic easily woven into conversation. I know and understand why Rafferty thinks he needs to do this, but I worry about how it will weigh on his soul. Some acts are harder to live with than you originally think, and Raff’s already lived through so much. I don’t want this to be the thing that finally breaks him—the thing that finally lets the darkness consume him.
Pax had signed papers stating he was leaving the hospital against medical advice the morning after his brother disappeared, and an hour later we were walking into the empty firehouse. There was evidence that Raff had been there at some point during the night, but both cars were gone by the time we got there. I have to assume that Rome is driving one of them, and I take some comfort in that because at least he isn’t alone.
I’ve texted and called him more times than I can count, but everything has gone unanswered. Same with my attempts to get in contact with Rome. The silence is deafening at this point and it’s making my chest unbearably tight.
The cup of coffee I’m nursing in my hand as I walk back into the living room could be my fourth of the day or it could be my eighth. I’ve completely lost track at this point. I didn’t even know how late it’d gotten until I saw the time on the coffeepot when I poured this cup.
Passing Pax, who lies on the leather sectional in nothing but his black and gray plaid boxers, I press my palm to his forehead. His skin is clammy and warm, but he’s nowhere near as hot as he was hours ago.
“I think your fever broke,” I tell him when his bloodshot eyes meet mine. “How are you feeling?”
I sit down on the opposite side of the L shaped couch. It’s the same spot I’ve slept on since we got home. I didn’t want to be too far away from Pax in case something happened, so I opted to sleep here instead of Raff’s bed. The nurse at the hospital warned me about possible seizures before we left, and I’ve been worried about them ever since.
I don’t want to get too optimistic, but it looks like he’s finally turning a corner.
He pushes the blanket he’d been shivering under for the past two days farther down his legs and stiffly shakes his head. “Every single inch of my body hurts. I feel like I got run over by a train, but other than that, I’m peachy.”
“I know you don’t feel it, but you look and sound a lot better than you did this time yesterday.” I’m not sure if he remembers or not, but between throwing up in a bowl I found in the kitchen, he was hallucinating. He thought I was his mom for almost four hours, and every time he’d call out to her, my heart broke a little more for him. I haven’t brought it up, and I don’t think I ever will. That’s a sad memory he doesn’t need to carry with him.
Eyes closing, he groans and turns his head into the pillow I’d brought down from his room. “If that’s the case, I don’t even want to know what I looked like yesterday because I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror when I took a piss, and it wasn’t pretty.”
“You’ve looked better,” I tease, enjoying this moment of levity. We haven’t had this in a very long time. This is the first time I’ve heard any semblance of humor in his voice since I’ve been back. It gives me hope that the lighthearted boy I remember is still in there somewhere.
“You know what? Fuck off. You’re not looking too hot either.”
I was finally able to take a shower this morning when Pax was asleep, but I’d let my hair air-dry in a messy braid and didn’t bother with makeup. The dark puffy circles under my eyes could still be seen through a pound of concealer, so I didn’t even try to cover them. I’m wearing leggings and one of Rafferty’s black hoodies that all but swallows me whole. The white socks that go up to my shins complete the glamorous look.
“That’s fair,” I concede, self-consciously smoothing the strands of hair that had fallen from my braid.
The corner of his mouth, the side with the two matching black hoops in his lip, pulls up in a half-hearted smile, but it quickly transitions into a grimace. I wait a minute for him to say something, but he remains silent, lost in his thoughts.
“What’s going on in that head of yours?”
Eyes cracking open, he stares at me. “I’m just wondering how I let myself get to this point. It started with me just wanting to take the edge off. You know, just kinda numb myself from reality, but I lost control. And I hate that I did. I never want to get back to that low point, but I don’t know how not to.” He pauses, exhaling a long breath. “But I’m also … relieved that I don’t have to keep it a secret from Raff anymore. I should have told him sooner, and I’m sorry that I didn’t. I know what keeping my secret did to you guys.”
“You have to stop apologizing, Pax. That is something you never have to do for me. I knew what I was doing and what it would cost, and I still did it. Happily. It doesn’t matter anymore anyway because we’re all here now. Everything is going to be okay.” I think I’m trying to manifest that last bit because the rock in my stomach is only growing heavier the longer Rafferty is gone.
Pax doesn’t share my hopeful outlook. “I’m fairly certain my brother is out there somewhere getting his hands bloody on my behalf. Do you really think everything will be okay after that?”
There it is. The giant pink homicidal elephant in the room. Now that Raff knows what Adrian did, there is no way he’s going to let him live. I don’t blame him for wanting to eliminate his father himself, but I don’t want him to put himself at risk in the process. Pax needs him here.
I need him.
I just got him back and I’m not ready to let him go.
“Adrian is in a guarded state prison. It’s not like Rafferty can walk in there and sign him out for a field trip.” I don’t know who I’m trying to kid, or why I’m trying to gaslight myself into believing that’s not exactly what he’s doing. Maybe it’s because if he gets caught, I’m going to have to visit the love of my life through bulletproof glass and that’s a less than ideal situation.
“You know my brother. You’ve seen what he’s capable of.”
My stomach drops violently and a rush of anxiety washes over me. “Yeah… I do.”
“P, WAKE UP.”
Pax’s alarmed voice pulls me from the fitful sleep I’d finally succumbed to, and instantly puts me on edge.
I fly into a sitting position so fast, my head spins. “What’s wrong? What happened? Are you alright?” Like word-vomit, the questions fly out of my mouth. Through the dim light of the room, I peer at him with still blurry eyes. “Why are you dressed?”
“Rome texted me while you were asleep.” He rounds the couch and grabs something off the floor. It lands at my feet with a clunk. Squinting, I find he’s thrown my shoes to me. “We need to go.”
