I don’t sleep at all that night, tossing and turning, covered in sweat with visions of blood soaked hands, and monstrous devils plaguing my dreams.
I’m still reeling from the news the guys shared with me. About what they are forced to do for their company. What the hell kind of company expects that from its own children?!
How can I get past the fact that these guys, my guys, have hurt people so brutally?
The fact that they’ve spilt blood…it’s barbaric. I’m suddenly awash with anxious apprehension all over again, bile touching the back of my throat.
A piss. I need a piss. And a shower. Definitely a shower. I’ll think about this all later.
I head to the en suite, gently shutting the door. I don’t want them to know I’m awake. Not yet. Hurts Like Hell by Fleurie plays on my phone that I’ve left on the counter. It suits my somber mood, and the searing pain in my heart at the thought that I’ve lost my guys, lost parts of myself that I didn’t know were no longer inside of me.
After taking care of business, I turn the shower on, setting the temperature to scorching. It’s another walk in, all singing and all dancing affair, like showers back at Highgate. Stepping under the hot spray, I hiss, yet I feel the tension in my shoulders begin to ease. I stand there, head bowed, torn between my feelings for these guys, and what they’ve done. What they will continue to do.
I drop to the floor of the shower, curling my arms over my knees and sob, tears mixing with the water as it cascades over me.
The song switches to Lovely by Billie Eilish and Khalid, and I’m instantly transported back in time, gasping as I’m sucked into the horror of finding my mum carved up and bleeding all over our kitchen floor.
The scent of copper surrounds me. I’m drowning in it as I gaze at the ruin before me. Her face is untouched, still so beautiful. Her hazel eyes are unseeing, but forever open, staring through me. Her body is unrecognisable in the carnage of blood, and parts of her are exposed that never should have seen the daylight.
I blink, coming back to the here and now. Some time after her murder, I read a newsletter article that said she was stabbed forty-seven times, the number filling me with horror at what she’d gone through before her last breath left her.
Just as I think the flashback is over, that fucking song keeps playing, like it did that day on the radio, sending me hurtling back into the nightmare.
I’m kneeling beside her, her blood on my clothes, covering my hands, and staining everything with her lifeforce. Lifeforce that had spilled its vitality and essence all over the tiled floor, like a dropped glass of juice. It’s true what they say, ‘there’s no use crying over spilt milk.’ And I don’t cry. I can’t cry.
I come back to the present with a gasp this time, my eyes searching for a handhold, something to keep me here, but it’s no use.
I’m blinking, my eyes scratchy and sore, to see a hospital room, a strange man and woman standing before me, talking in hushed tones.
I sit up, confused, and catch their attention.
“Lilly,” the woman says gently, taking a step towards me. “My name is Carol, and I’m your social worker.”
Social worker? Why do I need…my thoughts are cut off as memories of blood come flooding back, and I hear a keening noise, only to realise it’s me as I curl up into a ball on the bed.
I hear the faint sound of the door opening, as if from far away, before a sharp prick to my neck turns everything black once more.
I open my eyes to find myself curled in a similar ball in the corner of the shower, still feeling the phantom sting of that needle.
They kept me sedated for three weeks. Three weeks of bliss, where I didn’t have to face what had happened.
When I finally emerged from the haze of drugs, it was to find myself in a strange mansion, with an older lady in a nurse’s uniform, sitting near the huge bed that I was lying in.
Turns out it was my long lost uncle’s house in Wiltshire, and she was Teresa, the nurse he had hired in order to bring me ‘home.’ Ironic really, a nurse called Teresa.
I’d never met Adrian before. Mum had had a falling out with her parents, which she’d briefly mentioned one night years before. She hadn’t mentioned a brother, but then again, perhaps they’d never been close and she was always so cagey about her past. It doesn’t surprise me that some things were missed.
He was an extremely handsome man, with the darkest eyes that I’d ever seen. There was something…odd about him. He was too charming, too caring. Like he was trying too hard. But then, I suppose having finally found his sister, only to find her brutally…murdered, took its toll on him too.
It took a further three months before the flashbacks from that day lessened enough that I could function without ending up curled in a ball and rocking. The nightmares never stopped though.
Then one day, Adrian suggested that I might like to get away from it all. To have a fresh start in a new place. He told me that he went to school in Colorado, America. Hence the accent as he spent most of his childhood and early adulthood out there getting the best education money could buy. He told me all about Highgate Preparatory Academy, and how great it was. How much fun he had here, and what good lifelong friends he made.
I was reluctant at first, not wanting to leave England, the only country I’d ever known. But then I realised that this was no longer my home. My mum was…gone, and her best friend, practically sister, Lexi hadn’t been in touch once. Neither had Ryan, Mum’s long-term boyfriend, although she’d never committed fully to him, lord knows why.
I had no ties keeping me in England, nothing to stay for. So I came here, hoping to escape the tragedy of my past.
After I’ve picked myself up off the floor, then washed and rinsed, I wrap a towel around myself, wiping the steam off of the mirror to look at my reflection. I look like death warmed up.
I stare into my churning eyes, willing the answer to be in them. It’s not, and I’m left feeling just as lost, just as heartbroken as before.
Sighing, I turn and open the door. Looking up, I see Kai sitting stiffly on my bed.
My heart stutters in my chest as my gaze devours him. I can see the sadness draped over him like a shroud, and tears spring to my eyes when I know that it’s because of me.
“You don’t need to say anything, Lilly,” Kai says, his voice melancholy, yet there’s a thread of hopefulness in it too. “Just, please, don’t give up on us. Give us a chance.”
His honey eyes beg mine, yet I have no idea what to say, so I just nod.
His features flood with relief, and he practically sags on my bed. He gets up, walking over to me, and reaches out, brushing my hair away from my face with a soft touch of his long fingers that sends shivers skating across my skin.
“We need you so badly, Lilly,” he whispers, leaning in and kissing my forehead so tenderly that fresh tears spring to my eyes, before turning around and leaving the room, shutting the door quietly behind him.
I get dressed in my favourite sailor blue Lucy & Yak corduroy dungarees, called overalls in the U.S. apparently. I’ve paired them with a red and white striped t-shirt, an oversized red knitted jumper, or sweater I should say, and my blue and red plaid Irregular Choice heeled boots. I hoped that the outfit would make me feel better, giving me some strength to face the day. Instead, I’m left feeling unbearably empty.
I go downstairs to find my bags being loaded into the car by Loki himself. The others are nowhere in sight.
Deep breaths, Lilly. Deep fucking breaths.
He looks up as I come out of the house, and the despair in his beautiful emerald eyes utterly destroys me. My already bleeding heart cracks even more, my breath hitching and stuttering in my chest.
“Loki…” I gasp, but I have no idea what I’m going to say next.
His eyes shutter, becoming hard and cutting, and a painful lump forms in my throat.
“Are you ready to leave?” he asks, jaw clenched and voice cold, missing all its usual warmth and colour, until it’s become dull and lifeless.
I bob my head, afraid that I’ll break down if I speak a single word. He looks away, walking around to the driver’s door, opening it and getting in, leaving me to sort myself out.
Taking another deep inhale, I walk down the stone steps, but don’t get far before I hear a girlish shout behind me.
“Lilly, wait!” Heather calls out. I turn around to see both girls running towards me, hair flying behind them.
Seconds later, they collide into me with an oomph, wrapping me in a tight hug and it feels so good to be held that my eyes moisten.
“We’re gonna miss you,” Julie says, a slight whine in her voice as both girls pull back and I quickly choke back tears.
“Promise you’ll come back soon?” Heather asks with such an earnest look on her face that I couldn’t refuse her, even if I wanted to. Which I’m not sure I do.
“Of course,” I manage to get out around the lump in my throat that’s grown even bigger. “I’ll see you both soon.”
“Promise?” Julie asks, eyes hopeful.
“Pinky promise,” I say, remembering when Mum used to say the same to me. Pinky promises were sacred, not to be broken.
They both beam as we hear the window wind down.
“Girls, we’ve got to get back,” Loki’s hard voice says, and both girls roll their eyes at him.
“He woke up grumpy and has been like a bear all morning,” Heather says, giggling.
I kiss the top of both their heads and disentangle their arms just as Clarissa comes to the door.
“Girls!” she calls, not even bothering to look at me.
They roll their eyes again, the sassy minxes, then step away, waving as I get in the car. Loki starts the engine and then speeds off in a shower of gravel.
“Your sisters are lovely,” I say, glancing at him from the corner of my eye, my heart beating so fast I’m afraid it’ll burst out of my chest.
It’s agony sitting so close to him, yet it’s like a huge chasm lies between us. I can see he has a death grip on the steering wheel, his knuckles white, and his forearms corded.
Even in anger, he’s so fucking beautiful it takes my breath away. And then I remember what he’s done, the blood he’s spilt, and I feel sick, glad I didn’t eat any breakfast.
He says nothing, doesn’t even acknowledge that I’ve spoken, just clenches his jaw so tightly that I’m surprised his teeth don’t crack.
We stay that way for the rest of the drive, sitting in complete silence, my heart hurting so much I can barely suppress the tears that threaten to fall.
LOKI
I watch, my chest heaving, as the light leaves his chocolate eyes, a dribble of dark burgundy oozing between them. Smoke from the barrel of my gun rises up and obscures the sight of his broken body, adding to the feeling of a soul rising to the heavens. Of a soul finally being at peace. A peace I’m beginning to ache for.
Except for the ringing in my ears, for the first time tonight, there’s a beautiful cathartic silence. Lost in thoughts of taking flight, of freedom from this life, I startle with a gasp when a hand lands on my shoulder.
I look up to see Ash’s pain filled eyes, my hands dropping at my side, the gun still locked in my grip. He’s started doing what he can to protect us from all this shit, even though I can see it tormenting his soul. The darkness is slowly eating him from the inside out, and soon nothing will stop him, us, from becoming the monsters that they’ve started training us to be.
I hear a thunderous clap mocking the peaceful silence, and I look up to see my father gliding from his seat in the corner, striding closer to me, a look of pride on his face. A warmth runs through me at the look of approval and I suddenly feel sick.
“I’m impressed, son,” he says in his gravelly voice. “To be honest, I didn’t think you had it in you.” He laughs cruelly, clapping me on the back. “I’d even considered having to train up one of your sisters when the time came, but a shot right in the middle of his forehead! Beautifully done.” He’s smiling at me, and I think it might be the first time that he has smiled at me and spoken nicely to me my whole life.
“Good work, boys,” Julian Vanderbilt says, before turning on his heel and going towards the basement stairs, the other three men following behind like loyal sheep.
“What do we do with…” Ash asks his back, indicating the body.
Julian pauses. “I expect you to clean up your own mess. Take out this trash, and do it right. If there is any evidence left…there will be consequences,” he tells us sharply, his eyes cutting before heading up the stairs with the rest of them.
I’m still holding the gun, my hand shaking slightly. My head whips up when I hear Kai’s groan. Jax has stripped his shirt off, pressing it to the bleeding wound in Kai’s shoulder, Luc standing there helping him apply pressure.
My eyes flit back to the dead man in the chair in front of me. I feel a sense of relief that it’s done. That he’s free from pain. That I was the one to free him. Then I remember that he’s someone’s father, husband, or brother. Bile rises up my throat, my knees go weak, and I stumble forward.
Ash catches me, and when I look up at him, I can see the mantle that settles on his shoulders. He’s the oldest of us all, yet still only fourteen. Ghosts haunt his eyes, and his responsibilities age him, making him seem so much older.
“Jax, Luc, help Kai upstairs and call our doctor. Wait with him, and make sure he understands the term confidentiality,” he orders, and they both start helping Kai up.
His grey gaze turns down to me. “Loki. Give me the gun.” I automatically snap to his command, my hand holding it out to him before my brain registers the movement.
He takes it, then goes over to the shelving on the back wall, and picks up a bottle of spray. I see the words ‘DNA safe’ on the front. Ash sprays the gun fully, then places it in a zip-lock plastic bag which he seals after.
“Ash…” I croak out, my voice sounds far away like I’m miles from this cursed basement. “What about…”
I can’t bring myself to finish the sentence. Ash knows what I’m referring to, his hard eyes looking past me to the guy in the chair.
“We need a clean up crew…” he says, thinking aloud, biting his bottom lip.
“I’ve overheard my dad talking about his crew once…” Jax suggests, pausing at the base of the stairs.
“No, we need our own,” Ash responds firmly. “We can’t leave it to chance with those cunts.” We know who he’s referring to. Our fathers, Kai’s uncle.
“I could call Enzo from the gym?” Jax asks. Enzo runs the boxing gym downtown. It’s rough, but clean, and Enzo has been more of a father to Jax, to all of us, than ours will ever be. We trust him with our lives.
Ash thinks for a moment, then nods.
We hear Kai’s sharp inhale as they head up the stairs. I’m still standing there, feeling a sense of unreality, the whole room in hyper focus. Like, this can’t be actually happening. I can’t have just shot a guy after we beat him to a bloody pulp.
“Hey,” Ash says gently, and I look up. “Loki, I’m…shit…what a fucking birthday,” he says, his grey eyes full of concern.
Yep. Happy fucking fourteenth.
I wake up with a jolt, gasping and covered in sweat from the nightmare. Only, is it still classed as a nightmare if it’s a memory? I don’t fucking know.
I lay there in Kai’s bed, trying to breathe normally, when a feminine scream rents the air in two, making my heartbeat skyrocket again.
Kai sits up with a start, rubbing his eyes before reaching over and putting his glasses on. We then hear the soul destroying sobs, and my heart shatters into thousands of sharp, tiny pieces.
“I don’t know how much longer I can take this,” I say into the dark, my voice breaking. I feel on the verge of tears myself.
“Me either,” Kai says back, his own voice desolate.
The sobs subside to whimpers, then eventually stop.
“When she hurts, I hurt, Kai,” I say softly, just above a whisper.
Sometimes it’s easier to say things in the dark, even if it’s to someone you’ve known your whole life. My hand rubs at my chest, trying to ease the dull ache inside.
“I know. Me too,” he confides back and lays his head on my shoulder seeking comfort. We sit there for a time, in our shared pain.
“I had another nightmare,” I admit into the silence.
“The cabin?” he asks gently.
Although we told Lilly about that night, she doesn’t know the full truth. She doesn’t know that she’s been my light, chasing away the demons that have tried to consume me ever since my fourteenth birthday. She blazed into our lives with her quirky humor, sharp tongue, and beauty, both inside and out.
Before her, Kai was there. Every time I was plagued by my doubts, and the devils reared their ugly heads, he was there. This guilt, this dark depression claws at me like a parasite. Anytime I feel it crawling under my skin, he helps me. He knows that there are worse ways I could try to drown them. Have tried to drown them.
“Yep,” I say, reaching for my phone that’s on the bedside cabinet, scrolling through my playlists until I find the song I’m looking for.
Demons (Philosophical Session) by Jacob Lee sounds over the Bluetooth speakers in Kai’s room, and a breath of relief eases through me.
“Loki…” Kai says, his voice pained.
I know he thinks that this isn’t healthy, but it’s the only way I know how to stop the pain, the guilt from eating me alive. Other than having Lilly by my side.
“Please, Kai. I need you to,” I beg, looking into his eyes imploringly. My mind starts to panic, my thoughts tortured. He knows my struggles and knows how to quiet them.
“Fine,” he sighs, turning away from me and switching on the bedside light.
He gets out of bed, his back to me, that wonderful Koi tattoo looking alive in the dim light. Going over to a cupboard that’s up against a wall, he uses a small key to unlock it, opening the doors to reveal an array of whips, paddles, and restraints.
He takes out a pair of thick leather cuffs and a red and black leather flogger. My breath hitches at the sight, it’s a favourite of mine. I already feel the heady anticipation of escape that it’ll bring me.
Standing up, I walk around to the end of the four poster bed and hold my wrists out. As I’m just in a pair of boxer briefs, there’s no need to strip above the waist. Kai slowly comes over to me, buckling the cuffs onto my wrists one at a time. There’s a chain that links them, which he takes and places onto a hook in the frame of his bed so that my hands are held aloft and my back exposed to him.
“I’m going to strike you five times, Loki,” he tells me, his voice husky and low. My dick twitches as it always does, but there isn’t going to be a release of that kind for me tonight. This will be something so much sweeter.
Although we’ve been doing this same thing for years, it’s never gone further than the liberation I find in being punished. I know Kai gets hard while giving out the lashes, and I get hard receiving them, but we’ve just never gone there. We’re not into each other in that way, although I wouldn’t be objectionable if it would turn Lilly on…
My thoughts fly out of my mind, a gasp leaving my lips as the first hit strikes. It sends sweet agony across my back, never deep enough to break the skin, but enough to chase those demons back to Hell.
The second strike hits before I’ve taken a full inhale, then the third, fourth, and fifth, until I’m shaking and panting.
I smile as my mind is finally quiet, finally free. I feel Kai come over, gently caressing my back.
“Better?” he whispers next to my ear. I shiver as his breath tickles me.
“Yes,” I say simply.
He unhooks my hands, the blood rushing to my fingers and making them tingle. Gently, he unbuckles each cuff, then takes them and the flogger back to the cupboard.
I stand there, my chest rising and falling, basking in the glow that the pain has bought me. The deliverance it has given me. I close my eyes and smile, the demons finally quiet, my thoughts blessedly still.
