A week goes by, then two, and in all that time the guys have completely avoided me. They’re gone before I come down in the morning, and are absent when I get back at night. Loki gave me his bed, and I think he sleeps in with one of the others, as I’ve not seen any blankets or pillows in the living room. It’s a mixed blessing being surrounded by his heavenly vanilla scent all night.
It’s not enough to stop the darkness from taking over, and I’ve gone back to having my nightly night terrors, like I used to before coming here. I wake up with a raw throat, a wet pillow, and the taste of copper in my mouth.
Kai always leaves me some breakfast in the morning, and it reminds me of his plea from the morning after that awful night.
Please don’t give up on us. Give us a chance.
It plays on repeat, swirling around and around my head until it’s all I can think about.
Was I too harsh on them? What right do I have to judge them?
Yes, they hurt someone, they still hurt people, but none of it is their fault. They are being forced to do atrocious things by their families. They tried to resist the first time, and look at what happened. Kai got shot for Pete’s sake!
The fog suddenly lifts, and it’s as though a ray of glorious sunshine beams down on me.
I need to get them out of this!
Somehow, some way, I need to help them throw off the shackles that have been placed on them.
But how?
That’s the million dollar question. How can they get out? And do they even want to? I think they do. That night, they all looked so desolate and ashamed when I walked in.
But first, I need to get them to talk to me, which almost feels harder than actually getting them away from their awful families and that toxic company.
As I head to my first class of the day; Works of Shakespeare, these tumultuous thoughts fill my mind, whilst War of Hearts, Acoustic Version, by Ruelle plays in my headphones.
I share the class with Ash, my heart fluttering at the thought of seeing him. Although the guys are in most of my classes, they’ve been leaving as soon as it’s over, not walking with me like they used to.
Their silence, their icing me out, hurts; but I’m not sure I can blame them. I ran away when they opened up to me, when they showed me their darkness. I judged and rejected them when they needed me most, so it’s no wonder they’ve turned away from me.
I have some serious apologising to do, I think as I open the door, taking my headphones out, and my eyes meet steel grey ones making me pause in the doorway. They are as hard as the metal they share the colour with, and just as cold.
Walking in, I let the door swing shut behind me, not taking my eyes away from his. My chest is rising and falling with my heavy breaths as I take my seat next to Ash, my hands slightly clammy.
I don’t register anything around me, it’s all noise that’s unimportant as we continue to stare into each other’s eyes. I can see pain in the depths of his, a sharp ache that cuts me to the quick, knowing that I am responsible for some, if not most of it. I hope he can see the regret in mine, the sorrow and heartache that fills me until I’m overflowing with it.
“Asher and Lilly, please read Act One, Scene Five for us.” I hear Mrs Jones say, breaking into our bubble.
I grab my copy of the play we’re currently studying from my bag, Romeo and Juliet, and turn to the right page.
Ash begins reciting in his deep, beautiful voice, and it sends shivers up my spine, my breath leaving my lungs in a gasp.
“‘If I profane with my unworthiest hand
This holy shrine, the gentle fine is this:
My lips, two blushing pilgrims, ready stand
To smooth that rough touch with a tender kiss.’”
And as he reads, he reaches across and grabs my hand, bringing it to his lips, placing the barest of kisses upon my knuckles and causing a riot of butterflies to take flight inside me. He looks up at me whilst he does it, a look so intense in his eyes, my heart stops, and I have to clear my throat before I can start my lines.
“‘Good pilgrim, you do wrong your hand too much,
Which mannerly devotion shows in this;
For saints have hands that pilgrims’ hands do touch,
And palm to palm is holy palmers’ kiss.’”
I lick my dry lips as I look back up to see his gaze locked on mine, my hand still in his warm one. He looks down then reads the next part.
“‘Have not saints lips, and holy palmers too?’”
He looks to me again, his eyes unreadable, yet there’s a fire there too. I’m just not sure if it’s meant to hurt or heal me.
My heart is pounding, my breath short as I read my next lines.
“‘Ay, pilgrim, lips that they must use in prayer.’”
“‘O, then, dear saint, let lips do what hands do;
They pray, grant thou, lest faith turn to despair.’”
A darkness enters his gaze then, and I’m hit again with the hurt that I’ve caused him.
“‘Saints do not move, though grant for prayers’ sake,’”
I read, barely above a whisper, looking back up at him as he starts to lean in, still clutching my hand in his tight grip.
“Then move not, while my prayer’s effect I take.
Thus from my lips, by yours, my sin is purged,”
he whispers back as his lips close on mine, and he kisses me.
It’s a kiss that defies the ages, full of pain and longing and despair. But also hope, and something so sweet and pure, I dare not even think of its name.
I vaguely hear the class whistling and catcalling as Mrs Jones clears her throat loudly.
Ash breaks away, his breathing as heavy as my own, both our chests rising and falling in tandem. He stares into my eyes once more, his grey ones swirling like a storm.
Then, abruptly he lets go of my hand, stands up, his chair scraping across the floor, and strides out of the room.
“Mr Vanderbilt!” I hear Mrs Jones shout, but I’m just frozen with my hand to my burning lips.
It’s the end of the day, and I head to the library, putting off going back to the dorm, especially after what happened with Ash this morning. I want to make amends, to make things right between us. But I don’t know how, so I take the coward’s route and postpone the inevitable.
I study for hours, the library empty and the windows dark when I look up bleary-eyed, realising how late it is. I pack my things in my bag and go to head out when I see someone step from the shadows.
For a moment, my heart leaps thinking it’s one of the guys, and then I realise it’s not. It’s that creep, Robert. Goosebumps erupt all over me like a warning, my instincts telling me to get out of there pronto.
“Hi, uh, Robert,” I say, starting to slowly back away, instinctively looking for an escape. The hair on my nape and arms lifts, my stomach rock hard. I have a terrible feeling about this. How long has he been waiting there? How did I not notice?
“Hi, Lilly,” he says back mildly, taking a step towards me, and it’s then that I realise with a sinking feeling he’s blocking my easiest way out. “I’m glad I found you,” he adds, still advancing with a predatory grin. I could go round the table, and hopefully, make it before he cuts me off.
“Oh yeah?” I ask as I keep backing away, my heart beginning to pound. I’m clutching my bag in front of me like a shield. I may have to use it as a club if he keeps coming towards me.
“Yeah,” he answers, still smiling. It’s a smile full of entitlement and malicious intent. “I thought seeing as how you, Loki, and Jax don’t appear to be an item anymore, we could go for that walk.”
My heart is beating wildly in my chest, like a bird trapped in a room and frantically trying to find a way out, even if it ends up bleeding, beating against a window. My brain is screaming at me to run and run fast.
“Ah, it’s kinda late, so maybe another time,” I respond, proud of how firm my voice is even though I’m a quivering mess inside. I finally reach the end of the table and slowly ease around it, all the while keeping eye contact. My shoulders are tight, my body tense as I prepare to flee.
“I was thinking now,” he tells me, dropping the smile, his face reddening and his eyes hard as flint. My heart jumps painfully. “And didn’t your whore mother ever teach you it’s rude to walk away when someone is talking to you?” he asks viciously as he lunges for me.
I spin on my heel and run in the direction of the door, but I’m too fucking slow. I feel him grab the back of my hair, pulling me back towards him, a scream of pain leaving my lips as he rips some strands clean out of my scalp. I stumble and fall, landing on my spine hard, and knocking my head on the edge of a chair, making stars dance in my vision and my stomach roil.
When my eyesight clears, he’s already kneeling on top of me, ripping open my shirtwaister dress, the buttons flying and scattering across the floor as he exposes my navy lacy bra. My hands come up, clawing and trying to bat his own away from me, but he must have hit me hard because I feel so weak and he easily grabs both of my wrists, pinning them above my head in a bruising grip, grinding my bones together.
I make to scream, desperately hoping that someone will hear, when a clammy hand comes over my mouth hard, so that only a muffled sound can be heard.
No. no, no, no. Please, God, no.
“Shut the fuck up, you bitch, and spread your fucking legs!” he snarls, his lips curling and spittle flying.
Biting down hard I taste blood and hear him yelp and curse. His fist suddenly collides with my jaw in a brutal punch that snaps my head to the side and white hot pain bursts across my cheek.
I must blackout for a few seconds because when I come to, he’s got my knickers off, and is lowering himself between my spread legs, lining up his repulsive veiny erect dick with my opening. His other hand on my inner thigh is holding me open for him like he has all the right to be there.
Screaming like a fucking banshee, I rake my nails down both sides of his face, taking him by surprise as he rears back. Using his momentary distraction to my advantage, I bring my knee up hard, catching him in the balls, and causing him to roar in pain and roll off me. Getting to my feet unsteadily, my head and face pounding, and my vision wavering, I take off at a run, glad my heels have fallen off at some point.
I leave my bag and all my things behind, not caring what happens in my desperation to escape.
Panicking as I hear him try to follow, relief floods me as I realise that he must get tangled in his trousers, because seconds later a crash and grunt sound behind me and I thank all that is holy for the sensitivity of men’s nuts.
The library is completely empty, as are the hallways, and as I race down them, I start to shiver at all of the what ifs that fill my head. I don’t stop running until I reach our door, pounding on the wood and screaming incoherently.
“Let me in! Please, let me in!” I’m sobbing, tears and snot dripping down my face as I continue my assault on the door.
It suddenly flies open, and I look into Kai’s wide eyes, which flash with confusion as he takes me in.
“Lilly…” he says, brows pinched, but that’s all I see as I push past him with a whimper, knocking him aside.
My frantic eyes alight on Jax, who is standing near the kitchen, his hand poised as if reaching for something on the countertop. I don’t think, I just rush towards him, throwing myself in his arms, wrapping my own around his strong neck in a vicelike hold. He’s my safe harbour, my protector, and my panicked mind somehow knows this.
He catches me in his strong arms, wrapping them around me tightly as I cry convulsively into him, almost hyperventilating, the neck of his black t-shirt screwed up in my hands as I grip him tight.
“Baby Girl?” he asks, his voice broken and rough with concern.
I can’t speak. My head is buried in his chest, trying to breathe in his familiar lemon scent and take comfort from his embrace. But all I can do is relive clammy hands, pain, and the violation that just happened.
“She’s bleeding,” I hear Kai say in a worried tone as I feel the others start to close in, making my breath speed up further and I shrink more into Jax. I feel a soft touch on my shoulder, and I jump so hard even Jax almost stumbles.
“Give her some fucking space,” he growls as I sink deeper into his arms.
“Princess,” Ash’s deep voice says from near me, but not too close. There’s a catch to it, like he’s terrified of what has happened to me. “Kai says you’re bleeding. We need to see how badly you’re hurt.”
I whimper as I feel the blows to my head and face again, experiencing the moment afresh.
“Please, Pretty Girl. Please, let me see,” Loki’s voice sounds so distraught from near my face, and he hasn’t called me that for so long that it breaks me out of my turmoil, and I look up at him.
His eyes go wide and then become hard, full of a rage that I see him try to get under control. It should scare me, but all I can feel is the claws of my own panic receding a little now that I’m here. With them.
“Oh, Darling,” he gasps brokenly, his hand coming out to touch me then stopping short. “Please, can I touch you?” he asks, his eyes shattered and desperate.
“Loki?” I whisper, blinking, feeling as though I’ve come out of a nightmare. Only, a part of me knows that this is no land of make-believe.
“I’m here, Pretty Girl. We’re all here, and you’re safe,” he tells me, stepping towards us, his hand brushing my cheek and making me hiss a gasp at the sharp pain his touch elicits.
“Safe?” I question, lifting my head further to look around me at the other guys.
As I meet Kai’s eyes, I can see the glisten of tears, and he’s visibly shaking. I meet Ash’s gaze, and there is terror, pain, and a blinding anger in the grey depths. He’s practically vibrating with it.
I finally turn to meet Jax’s piercing blue eyes. The banked rage in his is intense and should be terrifying, yet Loki is right. I’m safe here.
“Baby Girl…” Jax rasps, his voice rough and filled with the need for violence. His whole body is trembling, his muscles tense as he holds me. “What happened?” he asks me gruffly.
One minute, I’m standing wrapped in Jax’s arms, and the next, it’s hard hands grasping and pulling and hurting me.
“I’m going to be sick,” I manage to blurt out, tearing out of his arms and rushing for the toilet.
I make it just in time and heave my guts out until my stomach is empty, my head pounding even more. I sit back, away from the toilet. My head thumps and my eyes are closed, so I smell vanilla before I feel the warmth of a body in front of me.
“I need to take care of you, Pretty Girl. Can I do that, please?” Loki’s deep voice asks, cracking at the end.
I nod, not ready to open my eyes yet. I feel the soft press of a cool cloth against my forehead, and I moan whilst leaning into it. A glass is pressed into my hand. I open my eyes to see that Loki is crouched down beside me, his face creased. I drink all the water in the glass, then hand it back to him. He passes it up to Kai, who gives me an anguished smile, then heads out of the doorway.
Loki scoops me up in his arms, and I wince at the pain that fills my body. He looks down and gives me an apologetic look, then walks us out of the bathroom, sitting down on one of the sofas with me nestled in his lap. His arms come around me as he pulls me in for a tight hug, being mindful of my injured head. As I’m pressed against his chest, I can feel how hard his heart is beating.
Ash is pacing in front of the lit fire, but he stops and looks at me, coming over to sit next to us.
“Can you tell us what happened, Princess?” he asks gently, reaching out a hand to hover over my lip. It feels like it’s split, and my jaw throbs with pain. His eyes dart to my ripped dress, his hand clenching into a fist then lowering to his lap.
Jax walks over, crouching in front of me with a bowl of water, some dressings, and other first aid bits on a tray. He also takes in the state of my clothing, and a low angry rumble sounds from his throat.
I stiffen in Loki’s lap, instinctually not wanting him to touch the sore parts of me, then relax a little as Loki’s hand comes up, rubbing soothing circles on my back.
“I’ll try,” I whisper, my voice croaky. My hands worry at my dress skirts until Ash’s hand reaches out to still them, taking one in his own grasp. I notice there’s blood under my nails, and I swallow hard.
“I–I was at the library studying when I realised how late it had gotten,” I begin, my voice small and almost unrecognisable. “I saw someone come out of the shadows, and I thought that it was one of you.” I feel Loki tense underneath me.
“Who was it, Baby Girl?” Jax asks, his voice deep and full of the darkness in the dead of night. He reaches out with a warm wet cloth, wiping at my temple, and I cringe at the sharp sting.
I look him in the eye, and I see the moment it dawns on him. His whole body stills, like a snake ready to strike.
“That cunt Robert?” he asks in a growl. I nod.
“He’s a fucking dead man walking,” Loki bites out, his whole body rigid.
“What happened next?” Kai asks softly, and I turn my head to see him on my other side, his hand coming to rub my back too.
I swallow again and close my eyes.
“H–he came at me. Started saying about how now that I wasn’t with Loki and Jax, it was his turn. I–I tried to run.”
My breath hitches and I feel hot tears begin to trickle down my cheeks. A hand holding a soft piece of fabric wipes at them, and I look up to see Ash with a white handkerchief.
“B–but he grabbed my hair and pulled me down. I hit my head, I think, and then he was pinning me beneath him.” I swallow again, feeling like I’m experiencing it all over again, my heart rate picking up and my breathing becoming shallow.
“I tried to scream, but he put his hand on my mouth, so I bit it, hard.” I’m looking into Ash’s eyes, and I see the barest hint of a smile at that, like he’s proud of me for fighting dirty.
“Good girl,” he praises gently when I pause. “And then?” His fingers start rubbing over the knuckles of the hand he’s still holding.
“He punched me, here,” I say, hearing growls behind me as I lift my other hand to my throbbing jaw.
I hiss as Jax presses an ice pack gently to the area. The cold feels so good on my heated skin, a breath of relief leaves me. I start to smile at him in thanks, then wince at the movement. His blue eyes flare with anger, which he’s somehow still managing to hold in check.
I look away from Jax. I can’t bear to meet any of their eyes as I recall the next part.
“I must have blacked out for a few moments because when I came to, he…he was on top of me, his pants down, my knickers gone, and…and…” I stutter, unable to continue. My hand has Ash’s in a death grip, his own gripping back just as hard.
Loki’s arms are so tight around me it hurts, but I don’t tell him to loosen his grip. I need to feel him anchoring me, or I’ll slip away.
“Did he…” Ash takes in a breath but holds my gaze. “Did he rape you, Lilly?” I’ve never heard him stutter before, or his breath hitch like that.
I shake my head, fresh tears running down my face.
“No…” I whisper. “But he was almost there,” I admit, hanging my head as I feel an itchy uncomfortable shame flush through me.
“Hey,” I hear Kai say as he gently lifts my chin. He’s come around to my side, next to Jax, and is staring deep into my eyes. “You have nothing to be ashamed of, Lilly. None of this was your fault.”
“I–I know. It’s just… if I hadn’t run away from you guys that night…” I sob, unable to continue. But I see the shame flash brightly in his eyes.
“This. Is. Not. Your. Fault,” Jax says between gritted teeth, the first aid stuff abandoned by his feet as I look at him. “We should have taken better care of you.” His voice is filled with anger and self-loathing.
I glance at the others, and they all have the same guilt-ridden look on their faces. They truly believe my…attack is their fault.
“No,” I say firmly, anger flooding my veins and helping to straighten my spine a little. “This is not your fault either. None of you.” I look them each in the eye, one by one. “It’s…” I swallow. “It’s h–his fault.”
I can see the rage transform the guys as it sweeps over each of them. And I realise that they may be monsters, but they are beautiful monsters. And they’re mine. They will burn down the entire world and everyone in it for me.
“What happens if I report this to the police?” I ask, turning back to Ash. I may be new to this world, but I’m not stupid. These kids, their families, have immense power, and I know that things like this can easily be made to disappear.
“His father is the Governor of Colorado,” Ash tells me, still gripping my hand like I’m his lifeline instead of the other way around. “I doubt the police would even show up.”
I take a deep breath, closing my eyes, hating that the world is like this. That people can do what they please with no consequences. Although, perhaps, that can work in my favour.
My eyes snap open, and I stare into Ash’s swirling steel grey ones.
“Then I want you to make him bleed. Make him hurt so bad that he will never be able to do this to anyone else.” My voice is hard and as sharp as glass.
Perhaps, in order to beat the true monsters of this world, you need to first join them?
A smile so wicked that even the devil himself would cower lifts Ash’s beautiful lips.
“Your wish is our pleasure, Princess.”
Then he lifts my hand, and just like in class earlier today, places a gentle kiss on my knuckles.
