Song, I Found, Amber Run.
With Maeve down for her morning nap, I head downstairs. The last couple of days, Jax hasn’t been himself. It’s like something is eating away at him, even if he tries to hide it behind his jokes.
Stopping by the door, I lean on the frame quietly, watching him knock back a hefty measure of scotch and slam it back on the counter. He’s tense, gripping onto the kitchen counter with his head down.
It hurts me seeing him like this.
I pad over to him. As I reach him, he flinches slightly when I run my hand softly up his side. I hear him take a deep breath before turning to me.
His bloodshot eyes bore into mine, making me swallow.
“Jax, baby. What’s going on?” I ask softly and cup his jaw.
“I’ll be fine, sweetheart.” He leans into my touch, offering me a sad smile.
I get it. Some things hurt to talk about. But I don’t want him to bottle it up and let it fester inside. I let a few moments of silence pass, gently stroking his beard with my thumb.
“It would have been Kai’s birthday today,” he says quietly.
Grief is something I know well. After losing my parents, I was empty for so long, completely on my own in my pain. I was lucky in some ways. Training in my field of psychology, I found ways to cope. Not everyone has that. Especially men. It’s not manly to cry.
“I’m sorry, Jax.” I wrap my arms around him and hold him tight, feeling him rest his chin on my shoulder.
“I’ll be okay in a minute. We’ve got enough going on today to keep me distracted.”
I pull back, lacing my fingers through his.
“We can talk about him, if you want?” I ask, studying his reaction.
His face pales.
My heart breaks for him as he shakes his head. “I can’t. Not today.” He runs a hand over his face, letting out a ragged breath.
“Hey, it’s okay. There is no right way to grieve. Today is going to be tough. I bet any birthday, event, or memory is. I feel the exact same way about my parents. Sometimes it just takes time.”
Hell, it’s taken me years to be able to put up some of Mom’s favorite flowers for her birthday. I tried the first year and burst into floods of tears every time I looked at them.
His chin buries into my shoulder. “All I can see is his lifeless body, Sof. It’s like every other memory fades away and that’s all I’m left with. All those years of memories and that is all I see. Today, worse than any other.”
My eyes sting with tears, remembering walking in to identify my parent’s bodies. That kept me up at night for a long time.
“I struggle to even say his name. I can’t remember anything good. All I can see is the blood—” His voice breaks.
I wrap my arms around him, pulling him tight against me as the warm droplets fall down my own cheeks.
“The first couple of years, it’s like it isn’t real. And then on these big occasions, that sinking feeling creeps back in when you remember you won’t get that call on your birthday from them. Or, when I look at Maeve, a pit forms in my stomach thinking about how they never got to meet my beautiful girl. That she will never hear my dad’s stupid jokes or bake cupcakes with my mom like I did. And, you think that you’ll never be able to speak about them again without your throat closing up on you. But, you can, one day you can. It just takes time, baby,” I whisper, stroking my fingers through his hair.
“I just want you to know that I’m here for you, Jax. Whenever you do, or don’t want to talk. Being upset, being angry, it’s all okay. Just tell me what you need from me. I’m never going anywhere.” I pause, remembering what helped me. “Have you ever thought about seeing a professional, to help you with the grief?”
“I don’t need help. I just need you, sweetheart. You and Maeve are the fucking light in my life.”
I nod, I know I can’t force him.
“And you are in ours, too, Jax. We’ve got you. I promise.”
He pulls back and his rough hands frame my face as I sniffle. “He would have loved you and Maeve. He’d be so damn proud of me.” He rests his forehead against mine.
“I’m certain he is proud of you. I’ll look after you, Jax. I love you.”
Those last three words tumble out before I can stop them. But, they are true. I love him with every single part of me.
The first genuine smile appears on his face that I’ve seen in days.
“I love you, Sofia. You complete me in ways I never even realized I was missing. You are everything. I live for you. I will die for you. You are, and always will be, the perfect in the midst of my chaos.”
My heart almost explodes. He owns me completely. I never want this to end.
“We really have created our own perfect, haven’t we?”
He nods, tipping my face up to his.
“We have, and we will forever, sweetheart. This family is everything I could have ever dreamt of. I can never thank you enough for bringing me this.”
“It was always half you.”
He presses his lips over mine and I lace my arms around his neck, pulling him closer to deepen the kiss.
We really have everything.
True love, our little girl and a future we can look forward to. I know, like Kai, my parents will be looking down on me with a smile. I have everything they could have ever imagined.
The echoes of Maeve’s usual wake up screams rattle down to us and we both laugh.
“Well, that was a short nap. You wanna go get your little sleepy princess?”
He wipes away a tear with the pad of his thumb. “Always.”
With a kiss on the tip of my nose, I squeeze his ass.
“I’ll get her stuff ready, then we can leave.” As he pulls away, I grab hold of his arm to stop him.
“If it gets too much today, just tell me. We can leave and do something else. Whatever you need, okay?”
“Fuck, I love you, Sof.”
A wave of relief washes over me. He knows he can talk to me. He spoke more about Kai than I bet he has since it happened. A sparkle of life came back into him. I just wish I could heal some of his pain.
