Maybe this is the distraction I needed. The last few years, all I’ve done on today’s date is hide. Wallow. And drink enough that the time slips by.
But, watching my little girl waddle after Nikolai’s daughter puts a piece of calm back in my heart.
Alexei takes up the rear of the follow train behind Elena and Maeve.
I swear he’s the biggest child. Decked out with a tiara and a smear of lipstick that Elena applied to make him “pretty”, he’s the loudest of the three.
How can he be so wild, and so good with kids?
It’s nice he’s keeping them busy.
Nikolai sits in silence on one end of the couch, and I’m at the other.
Sofia and Lara are doing their best to get the decorations set around the elaborate birthday cake that Nikolai bought.
Sofia does look troubled when I ask her for another beer.
I don’t want to get up. I don’t want to talk.
Today, just existing outside of a bottle is a win for me.
My chest hurts watching Maeve’s flushed cheeks as she squeals in excitement when Alexei turns on his hands and knees and chases her.
He’s every bit the perfect uncle.
Like Kai would have been.
A knot twists in my throat. He should have had his chance. Not just to meet Maeve, but to be a daddy on his own.
He’d have been better than me.
Remembering how she cried when I punched that stupid bag makes tears well up in my eyes. Kai was gentle. Patient. He’d have done things right.
The girls shriek and run on opposite sides of Alexei before colliding behind him.
Shock blankets both of their faces before they both erupt into tears in unison.
Even their mouths form the same ‘o’ shape as they cry.
Sofia runs to both of them, gathering a girl in each arm before settling on the floor cross-legged and pulling them onto her lap.
She’s so perfect as a mom.
Seeing their curly dark hair bobbing in front of her makes me wish she had two.
Alexei huffs as he collapses on the couch. “Fuck, they’ll wear ya out.”
Nikolai’s hand whips out and smacks Alexei on the back of the head. “Language, idiot.”
“Shit, sorry.” Alexei’s palm works over his scalp as I punch his other shoulder.
“Watch what you’re saying, asshat,” I scold.
Alexei turns and glares at me. “Is my English not as good as yours?” Rubbing his arm, he stands and disappears into the kitchen.
Lara gets up and follows him, throwing Nikolai a glare over her shoulder as she does.
“You’re cranky.” Nikolai doesn’t look at me. “You didn’t even want to hear Kai’s name last year. Too busy finding the bottom of a gallon of tequila.”
“So are you. More than usual.” I watch Sofia as she consoles the girls. They both rise off of her lap and run down the hall to Elena’s room.
I’m sure Nikolai is thinking about his wife. She’s been gone almost as long as Kai.
“Does it get any easier?” I ask quietly. I want him to say ‘yes’. That I have a light at the end of this black as fuck tunnel.
“No. I am constantly reminded of her.” Nikolai glances at me, then back to the girls as they run back in.
Maeve is wearing one of Elena’s shirts so that they’re matching.
“They almost look like sisters with their dark, curly hair.” Sofia nestles herself on the arm of the couch where I can touch her.
Alexei saunters from the kitchen with a handful of cold beers and hands one to Nikolai, then to me. “Well, they should. They’re cousins.”
“Alexei,” Nikolai growls.
“What, does that make us brothers, Niki?” I raise my bottle in the air as a salute.
“Niet.” His face is turning red, but he doesn’t look at me.
“What does that mean, then? Is that a Russian term?” Sofia sips on her champagne while staring at Nikolai.
His teeth clench. “It means nothing. Alexei has very bad English.”
“I fucking don’t!” Alexei yells as he leaps out of the way of Nikolai’s slap. “I know what the word is.” His finger points at Nikolai. “You were married to his sister. That makes them cousins.” His hand ends up in front of my face.
My sister?
“I don’t think so, Alexei.” I know he can be a bit wild sometimes, but he doesn’t lie. “What the heck are you trying to say?”
Alexei’s eyes narrow and his fist clenches. “Do not make me the donkey on this one. Her father was the same as yours, Sergy. They both died by Ivan’s hand.” His chin juts triumphantly.
My heart stops.
Darting out my hand, I grip Nikolai’s arm hard enough I know it hurts. I don’t care.
“Tell me he is wrong. And that you have not been lying to me for two years.” The room feels like it’s closing in on me.
Nikolai finally looks at me. For the first time, his skin is pale. “I didn’t. I just didn’t tell you, and you didn’t ask.”
This hollow feeling inside boils into rage. “How in the hell would I know to ask if I didn’t know she existed?” I shout.
Maeve and Elena begin to cry. Nikolai and Sofia both jump up and grab a fussing girl.
“Why would I create pain for no reason? What does it change?” Nikolai hisses as he folds his daughter into his shoulder.
“Your father killed my sister, and my dad? And you let him live?”
I shake my head, trying to wrap my thoughts around this as the anger churns inside of me.
Nikolai gives me a stern glare and nods, looking at his daughter in his arms.
Children’s wails fill the room. They’re upset because of me.
Lara plucks Elena out of Nikolai’s arms.
He stands, crossing his arms formidably across his chest. “He’s the biggest crime lord in Russia, Jax. That is why we all left, to build our empire and tear his down. We will get our revenge, the smart way.”
My dad was in the bratva. Everyone fucking lies to me.
“How did you know it was me when you came to New York? Is that why you offered me the job with Mikhail?”
My head is spinning. So many unanswered questions and holes in my life. Even my own father had a secret life. A whole other life.
Nikolai clenches his fists.
“We’ve been watching out for you since his death, Jax. Katerina wanted to meet you. We saw you after Kai’s—”
“Don’t fucking mention his name,” I spit out with venom.
I was starting to think of these guys as family. I guess they really are, but I don’t feel any part of it.
My gut sours.
I need some air.
Pushing past everyone to the door, I gulp in the hot Vegas night and try to calm myself down.
Why didn’t my dad ever tell me about her? What else was he hiding? He worked with Ivan? I’ve heard the stories of how ruthless that man was.
My head feels like it’s going to explode.
How different would things have been if I had known her?
Nikolai still hates his father for killing her.
Squeezing my own fist tightly makes my knuckles crack with new hatred for Ivan.
Pain courses through me.
I lost someone else. Today of all days.
My whole family. Gone.
How many more around me are going to die tragically?
God, this hurts!
Pacing outside Nikolai’s house, this is the first time I’ve really craved a cigarette.
Kai used to joke that if we had sisters, we would marry each others. That way, we’d really be brothers.
Fuck. He was more family than any of my blood kin.
A cool hand touches my back. “Jax? Are you okay?” Sofia’s voice is normally soothing to me. But tonight, I feel like my skin is on fire and I’m a powder keg.
I’m not safe. The tendrils of crimson that keep sneaking into the edges of my vision tell me I’m on the verge of losing control.
“I have to go. I’m sorry. See if one of those assholes can give you a ride home.” Shrugging off her palm, I stomp into the darkness to my Lambo.
“Jax? Wait!” She tries to reach for me, but I pull away, slamming the door in her face.
She needs to learn I’m toxic.
A leaking battery of acid that ruins everything around me.
No one tells me the truth.
Except Kai.
Sofia even hid my own daughter from me.
I can’t trust anyone.
“Jax!” Her voice is muffled as she beats on my window.
Throwing my hand over the passenger seat, I back wildly out of the driveway.
The road is a quiet place.
There isn’t pretending as the asphalt meets my tires. Purring of the engine is a truth. It tells you immediately when something is wrong.
Speed, distance, time.
That’s what I need.
