Vulnerability was an invitation for pain.
Betrayal was like a rabid wolf, able to sense even a whiff of weakness. Its purpose was to devour and destroy the fainthearted.
How many times did our paths need to cross before I learned?
I showed the world what it hated to see: someone strong and unaffected, but inside I was nothing but a heartbroken disaster.
I was moving but I wasn’t feeling, looking but not seeing. I boarded the bus to Kara’s place and walked the distance from the bus stop to her place. I was so immersed in pain that it took all my strength to keep it inside. I was in a complete daze. When I crashed into a solid object, I didn’t even react. I just crumpled to the ground.
“I’m sorry. Are you all right?”
A deep masculine voice spoke. Someone knelt in front of me, but I couldn’t see. My vision was blurry.
“Damn.” A low curse. “Here, I got you.”
I felt strong arms pull me up, then push a cloth into my hand. I looked at it, bewildered.
“For your tears,” he said. “You’re crying, Angel Face.”
I was? My hand reached for my cheek, feeling the wetness there.
“Kar,” I choked. “I need Kar.”
“Kar? You’re out of luck. She’s not here, but she’ll be back soon.” He steered me onto Kara’s porch. He sat on the white bench, looking at me expectantly. I followed and sat on the opposite end, as far away from him as I could.
“I’ll just wait with you here until Kar comes back. Okay with you?”
I nodded, shutting out everything.
When I heard the strum of a guitar, my head turned toward the sound, and I found him playing the instrument. His long, nimble fingers strummed the strings with expertise.
He was playing “Let Her Go” by Passenger.
Oh, isn’t it ironic? I came here to forget, but I was getting salt rubbed into my wound.
His voice was deep and raspy. I closed my eyes, feeling a pang in my chest as I listened to the lyrics.
We sat together without talking. I listened as he played songs. He let me be, didn’t ask what was wrong. I was grateful for that.
After a while, I glanced at him. I’d seen him before. I was sure of it. His hair was thick and dark brown, almost black. It was slightly curly and long enough to touch his shoulders. It looked disheveled, as if he ran his hands through it several times. His features were sharp and beautiful, reminding me of a statue of a warrior angel I’d seen once.
He wore an ancient short-sleeved black shirt, a pair of old, faded jeans that had holes on the knees, and Converse sneakers. Sitting comfortably, one leg crossed over the other, with the guitar propped on his knee, he continued to play. He looked at ease in his own body.
He impatiently swatted the hair that fell on his face, revealing three silver stud earrings in his right ear. Around his wrist was a black leather band that was fraying at the edges, like he hadn’t taken it off in years. I spotted several rings on his fingers.
He stopped and pulled a black hair band out of his back pocket. Placing it between his teeth, he reached back and gathered his long, dark hair in his fist and quickly tied it in a messy bun. Then he started to play again.
There was something wild and masculine about him, I observed as I studied him—something free. He had an I-don’t-give-a-damn air about him. I envied that.
Startling light-blue eyes looked at me curiously, deep dimples popping out as he smiled.
“You still have my towel?” He had a twinkle in his eye that I assumed warned everyone he was trouble. And I’d had enough trouble.
Towel? What was he talking about?
He had a slight accent that I couldn’t place. I realized I didn’t even know his name or what he was doing here when I heard someone call my name.
“Ver?”
Kara. I willed myself to calm down, get a grip. My gaze was steady as I turned to look at her, but then she asked, “What’s wrong?”
I thought I had it under control, but just one look from my best friend—the look that told me she knew something bad had happened, knew I was hurting—and all the emotions I was desperately trying to keep inside spilled out. “Kar,” I sobbed.
“Oh, sweetie.” She wrapped her arms around me as the tears began to flow.
“Damon! What did you do to her, you bastard! You always make girls cry. What did you say?”
He raised his hands in surrender. “I’m innocent.”
Kara shook her head. “Come on, let’s get you inside.”
She led me to the kitchen. “Sit down, Ver.” She filled a glass with ice water and handed it to me. “What happened?”
The water was cold as it slid down my parched throat. I concentrated on that feeling, wishing my heart was as hard and cold as the ice that clinked against the glass.
My eyes darted to Damon, who was now lying on the floor, half of his body disappearing under the sink. His hand reached blindly for the toolbox sitting beside his hip. Kara kicked it closer to him.
“Don’t mind him. He’s here to fix a leak.” Then she pointed at her ears. “He’s always got his earphones in when he’s working so he won’t hear us. Now, Ver, you better tell me what happened before I explode and kill someone. Caleb will be the first on my list. How did he fuck up?”
I shook my head. I didn’t want to talk, didn’t want to rehash it. I just wanted to curl into a ball and forget about it. Maybe I should sleep, and when I wake up, it will all be a dream.
Kara shook my shoulders when she didn’t get a response.
“Kar, I just…want to sleep for now. Can I use your spare bedroom? I’ll tell you everything when I wake up.”
“No. You tell me now.”
I jumped in my seat when I heard the doorbell.
“Stay here,” she ordered. “I’m expecting a package. When I come back, you better fess up.”
When she was gone, I stretched my arms on the table and buried myself in them.
I hated the hope and fear that had sprung into my chest when I’d heard the doorbell ring. How pathetic was I to expect that it might be Caleb? Of course he wouldn’t follow me. Why would he? Did I even want him to?
No, I didn’t. In fact, I never wanted to see him again. If he had the power—the carelessness—to hurt me this much, I didn’t want him in my life. He never should have been in it in the first place.
When I heard a commotion in the living room, I smashed my hands against my ears. I just wanted to be left alone.
“Red.”
I froze.
No. No. No.
My heart was thundering against my chest, but I dared not move.
It was his voice. Caleb’s voice.
“Red,” he repeated, his voice soft.
It was really him. He’d followed me.
I felt mixed emotions—relief because he had come after me, anger at his betrayal.
I curled my hands into fists, wishing I was somewhere else. Wishing last night hadn’t happened. That Beatrice-Rose had never come… But she had. If it hadn’t been last night, it would have been another night. It still would have happened.
When I felt his hand on my shoulder, I flinched. I pushed away from the table, the scrape of the chair against the floor hurting my ears. “Don’t touch me!” I shouted. His touch burned.
My breath stuttered when I took in the raw pain on his face. I thought I would be unbreakable when I saw him again, but the sight of his handsome face and the wounded look in his eyes cut me deep.
Caleb always appeared put together, but as he stood in front of me, he looked rough. His clothes were disheveled, his hair tousled.
“I shouldn’t have let you leave,” he whispered.
I closed my eyes tightly for a moment, composing myself. I bit my lip as hard as I could. Maybe if I bit hard enough, that pain would eclipse what I was feeling in my heart.
“Please leave,” I choked out.
“Hear me out. Then I will,” he begged. “Please.”
“Do we have a problem here?” Damon interrupted, suddenly standing beside me.
Caleb’s eyes hardened as he glowered at him. “Back off, Damon.”
“Last time I checked, I don’t answer to you, Lockhart.”
My eyes widened in alarm as I watched Caleb take a threatening step toward Damon. Flexing his arms, Caleb curled his hands into fists, ready to hit Damon.
“You do now,” Caleb snapped. “Get away from her.”
I had never seen Caleb so hostile and angry toward another person.
“Stop!” I shouted, stepping between them and thrusting my palms against their chests. It felt like I was trying to stop two speeding trains about to collide.
“Stop!” I repeated, glaring at Caleb. “I’ll talk to you outside.”
“Damon!” Kara rushed in the kitchen, grabbed Damon’s arm and tugged. “Save your hero complex for another time and leave them alone. Let’s go. I forgot something at Dad’s.”
I threw Kara a grateful look. She mouthed Call me and then left, tugging Damon behind her.
Not waiting for Caleb to answer, I slammed open the screen door that led to Kara’s backyard and stepped out. I had walked a few steps when I felt Caleb behind me. I needed space away from him.
The sun was glaringly bright and high in the clear azure sky, the wind whooshing musically through the trees. Birds crooned their cheery tunes.
It seemed cruel that the world was moving on when I wasn’t ready. The world didn’t wait for anyone. Even when someone had fallen on their knees, screaming and hurting, it continued its course, unblinking and pitiless. It didn’t care.
I knew this. I knew this before I met Caleb. Whatever pain I felt was my fault. I should never have trusted him.
I stiffened when I heard his footsteps behind me. He stood close enough that I could feel the heat emanating from his body.
“I didn’t sleep with her last night, Red. I would never deliberately hurt you.”
I spun around to face him. “Then why didn’t you answer me when I asked you?”
“Because when I asked if you trusted me, you didn’t answer. And I knew by the look on your face that you didn’t… You don’t. And that fucking hurts.”
I looked away from his eyes. It hurt too much to look at him.
“I fell asleep. I didn’t mean to. I fucked up, but it’s not what you think.”
I didn’t know if I believed him. I wiped my face free of any emotion.
“She said she was your first.”
He sucked in a sharp breath. “Yes, that’s true.”
It felt like someone had punched me in the stomach. I wrapped my arms around myself, my shoulders hunching.
“You already know we grew up together. At that young age, I wanted to have someone to protect. It felt good. I was always there for her, and she came to depend on me. It became a habit. And I felt…responsible for her.
“I’m not sure when it started to change,” he continued. “In high school, I guess. We were on vacation in Greece with our families. Beatrice-Rose wasn’t feeling good, and she asked me to stay with her at the hotel. She kissed me, and I…responded.”
“You mean you had sex with her.”
It was a moment before he answered. “Yes. My relationship with her was complicated. We’d hook up on and off for years. It never meant anything more than sex—”
“It sure as hell meant more to her.” I glared accusingly, fury coloring my voice. “And if you didn’t know that, you’re not just stupid, you’re insensitive. It’s so obvious she’s in love with you.”
The look of pure shock on his face made me realize he had no idea Beatrice-Rose was in love with him. My heart ached. Now that he did, would he…would he do something about it? Go back to her?
“Red. I stopped sleeping with her more than a year ago. I told her we had to stop. I didn’t want to ruin our friendship. It wouldn’t matter if she’s in love with me. I’m not with her. I never was. I’m—”
I cut him off. “What happened last night?”
His nostrils flared. “Last night, when she started to cry, I knew she was close to having a panic attack. She’s had them since high school. After her panic attacks, she’d have a hard time falling asleep, so she’d call me. And I’d…”
When he trailed off, I said, “And you’d have sex with her.”
He clenched his teeth. “Yes, but I told you we’d stopped a long time ago. After that, she’d still call me and I’d just lie in bed with her. For some reason, I always calmed her down.”
I swallowed past the lump in my throat. “And last night?”
“She wanted me to stay the night, but even if I hadn’t promised you I’d come home, I wouldn’t have stayed the night with her. It’s different now. You made it different, Red.”
He breathed deeply and continued. “I was only planning to stay until she fell asleep. But she asked me to lie down beside her—”
No.
I closed my eyes tightly, pursing my lips so that no sound came out. But I wanted to shout, to lash out at him, to hurt him the way he was hurting me now.
“It was habit.” His voice shook. I opened my eyes and saw his anguish. “I wanted to get home to you. I knew the faster she fell asleep, the faster I could leave. But it felt wrong. I shouldn’t have done it. I screwed up, Red, and I am sorry. It was a mistake. I fell asleep beside her and was dreaming of you, and I—”
“Stop.” I said it calmly, although inside I was screaming. “Just stop.”
How could he expect me to believe him when he just unknowingly admitted his betrayal to me? He’d said he calmed her down by having sex with her. What made him think I would believe this time it was different?
He drove her home and stayed with her last night. Slept with her last night.
Did he really expect me to believe nothing happened? Especially with his track record, his blasé attitude toward sex…
“Red—”
“Don’t call me that!” My eyes burned with unshed tears I refused to let him see. “I don’t want you to call me that ever again.” I was breathing fast, my chest heaving. “I want you to leave.”
I turned away from him and walked toward the house.
“Goddamn it!” His hand slapped the screen door to prevent me from opening it. “Goddamn it. Don’t go.”
When I heard his voice break, I crumpled inside.
“Is it a crime for me to ask for…to want your trust? It hurts me that you don’t trust me. It hurts a fucking lot.”
My grip on the doorknob loosened, and I let my hand fall to my side.
“What am I to you?” he demanded painfully. He turned me around to face him.
My throat tightened and burned. Even if I’d wanted to answer him, I couldn’t have. When he reached for my face, I turned away.
“Don’t,” I choked out.
“Am I… Am I not even worth a fight?” he whispered. “Red?”
“I said—” I bit the words out, feeling angrier when I heard my voice quiver. “Don’t. Call. Me. That.”
I’d known from the start that he would hurt me if I let him in. I had let him in, and he had hurt me more than I could possibly imagine. I wanted to hurt him just as much before he could do even more damage. So I lashed out and hurt him as deeply as I could.
To protect myself.
I looked him in the eyes. “I want you to leave me alone from now on. I don’t want to see you. I don’t want to hear from you. It’s not going to work out between you and me. It never will.”
“Liar.”
“I was desperate,” I said. “You were convenient.”
He grabbed my upper arms, his eyes full of rage as he stared at me. “I don’t believe you.”
I gave him a careless shrug and shook off his hold on me, showing him I didn’t care. But my heart was breaking. Because I was so afraid of getting hurt, so terrified of being weak like my mother, that the panic was a constant threat in my chest. My dark thoughts about him had been right all along.
“I don’t care what you did with her, what you do with her. I don’t care. You can sleep with whoever you like. That’s what you’re used to anyway. That’s who you really are.”
His eyes blazed with anger. Without warning, he gripped my shoulders and yanked me to him, burying his face in my hair with a ferocity that took my breath away.
I felt my resolve weaken.
“No!” I pounded his chest with my fists, trying to push him away. “Let go of me!” But he held on tighter.
“Don’t ask me to let go of you. I can’t,” he said against my ear. “I can’t.”
My body sagged against him, all the fight draining out of me. I was horrified as the tears I’d bottled up started to flow.
“I have given you more of myself than I have given anyone, Caleb.” I sobbed, the ice around my heart cracking.
“I’m sorry,” he said softly, leaning his forehead against mine. “I would never hurt you. You are the only one.”
I closed my eyes as his hand caressed my face. “God,” he whispered. “Don’t cry. Please, don’t cry.”
His lips found mine, coaxing and gentle, breaking down my defenses.
“I want more. Not just scraps. I want all of you,” he said desperately.
As if he sensed I was softening, his hands gently held the sides of my neck, his thumbs tenderly stroking my skin. When his arms wrapped around my waist to pull me closer, I gave in to his kiss. I forgot everything as his tongue delved deeply in my mouth, claiming me. His body was hard, his hands hot on my skin.
And then my sanity returned.
“No!”
I pushed him back, but he held on to me.
How many times had I seen my mother give in to my father just like this? I was so scared I would give in, forget what he did, and forgive him over and over again. Until I lost myself. He couldn’t have all of me. That was the point.
“Let me go!”
When he finally released me, I swiped my mouth angrily with the back of my hand, erasing his kiss. Erasing him.
“Just stop it!” I yelled. “How do I get rid of you? God, you’re like an annoying stray dog!”
He took a step back, his eyes wild and hot with anger. “Is that what I am to you?”
No, but I have to hurt you now.
I was like an injured animal, cornered with no other option but to lash out—lashing out in fear as my heart was breaking. To protect myself, I had to. It was like watching my own train wreck, and there was nothing I could do to stop it.
The rope is fraying. It just needs a little tug to sever it.
“You only think about what you want. What about what I want? This, us.” I waved a hand between us. “It all happened so fast. I told you I wasn’t ready, but you kept pushing for more. I can’t give you more, Caleb. I’m done. And I want you to leave me the hell alone.”
I stared at him, at the naked misery on his handsome face, and destroyed what was left. Of me. Of him. Of us.
“I. Don’t. Want. You,” I said.
Liar.
His eyes turned cold as they narrowed at me. My heart, already broken, cracked in two.
“You’re a coward.” His voice was just as cold. “Do you remember when you told me you refuse to be weak? That you won’t give up?”
I did. I remembered.
“You’re giving up now. You’re weak because you’re too afraid to get hurt. Well, you know what? You have to fight for something if you really want it. I have been chasing you—fighting for you—since the moment I met you. You kept pushing me away, but I never gave up. I wanted you to fight for me, just as I fought for you. But you wouldn’t.”
He took a deep breath, his hand shaking as he rubbed his face.
“You told me to let you go. And because I have always given everything you asked of me, I will leave you alone. I will let you go.”
The grief came in waves, but I held it all in.
He turned, stepping away from me. He reached for the screen door and stood there with his hand suspended above the doorknob.
I held my breath as I watched him slowly drop his hand to his side, lowering his gaze to the ground. Then he turned and looked at me with eyes as cold as ice.
“Goodbye,” he said softly. “Veronica.”
