As I ran through the streets, I rode on a wave of anger. It became my friend, blinding me to my other, deeper wound: the truth. The truth made you face the ugly reality; it brought you pain. Maybe that was why people held on to their anger. They preferred it over feeling pain.
My lungs burned, and my legs were about to give out. I’d been running for two hours straight, trying to exhaust myself, trying not to think about her.
How do I get rid of you? God, you’re like an annoying stray dog!
I ran faster, my sneakers pounding on the pavement.
I don’t want you.
I could hear my breathing, harsh and loud. My chest felt tight, and my heart hammered against my ribs so fast I thought it would burst.
I don’t care. You can sleep with whoever you like. That’s what you’re used to anyway. That’s who you really are.
Sweat dripped down my face, stinging my eyes.
Fuck.
Had I ever felt this kind of pain before? No, I realized, because I had never fallen in love. Until Red. And look where that had gotten me.
There was a reason I didn’t commit myself to any girl: because I didn’t want to experience this. I knew I wasn’t a saint before I met her, but—dammit all to hell—I very nearly was after. From the moment I laid eyes on her, I never wanted anyone else. She never trusted me, never gave me—us—a fighting chance. I knew I had a reputation, and she had trust issues. But I had fought hard to prove myself, to show her she was the only one. But that hadn’t meant anything. She’d always expected the worst from me.
That’s who you really are, I thought bitterly as I entered my apartment.
I was better off alone. I wished I could go back to the days when I didn’t care about a girl who could slash me so easily with a look, cut me so deeply with her indifference and her lack of trust.
Anger building, I showered and got dressed. I’d show her who I really was.
* * *
I smelled a mix of various perfumes and body sweat, fried food and whiskey as I entered a new club down the street I hadn’t been to before. Techno music blasted my ears, and blinking neon lights blinded me as I waded through the dark club to find a seat. The dance floor was already packed with people.
If the scene didn’t excite me like it usually did, like I expected it to, I ignored the feeling and looked for an empty table. When I didn’t find one, I went to the bar and sat on one of the backless stools there. I caught the bartender’s eye and ordered a beer.
“Rough night?”
I glanced to my right where a pretty brunette occupied the seat next to mine. A tight, black dress showcased her body, revealing a lot of skin. Her eyes gleamed with the confidence of a female who knew her own allure.
I knew this game, had played it countless times.
“Not anymore,” I replied, but my comment lacked enthusiasm. She didn’t seem to notice as she flashed her perfect white teeth at me, smiling prettily.
If I remembered correctly, this would be the perfect time to ask if she wanted to go somewhere else.
Some girls needed flattery to make them feel better about sleeping with a stranger, and some girls needed to be bought a few drinks or maybe share a few moves on the dance floor.
It was all a game. A sick game where no one really came out the winner.
Because in the end, we’d both still feel hollow.
Red had made me feel…
“I’m sorry,” I said, smiling at her apologetically. “I can’t do this.”
The thought of being with another girl made my stomach churn. I pushed away from the bar.
You only think about what you want. What about what I want? This, us, it all happened so fast. I told you I wasn’t ready, but you kept pushing for more. I can’t give you more, Caleb. I’m done. And I want you to leave me the hell alone.
Fuck that.
I walked blindly toward the exit, not caring if I bumped into anyone. I heard a woman yell and ignored it. I just wanted to get the hell out of there.
“Are you fucking blind, asshole? You spilled my girlfriend’s drink, and you think you can just walk the fuck out?”
The guy yelled in my face, his spit flying. He moved really close, grabbing my arm.
“Get your hand off me,” I said quietly.
He shoved me, and I lost it after that. I just started swinging. The next thing I knew, I was being hauled out of the club.
“Don’t come back here, dumbass.”
My ribs hurt and my jaw throbbed as I stumbled into the parking lot. I looked down at my fists and noted the blood on them. It wasn’t mine.
When I got in my car, I thought of her. This wasn’t the club where I met her, wasn’t the same parking lot. But I thought of her anyway.
I thought of her red dress, her red lips, her intense dark eyes that stripped my soul. Eyes that looked older than her age, eyes that said she had been through a lot.
I have given you more of myself than I have given anyone, Caleb.
I closed my eyes and rested my head on the steering wheel.
She could have opened up my chest and ripped out my heart, and that would have been better than what I was feeling now.
I drove aimlessly, turning up the volume on the radio to block my thoughts. I didn’t realize until I was slowing down that I was on Kara’s street.
Red told me to let her go. What was I doing here?
Hadn’t I had enough of chasing someone who didn’t want me?
Why can’t I let her go?
I knew I should leave. But I parked on the street, staring at the light in the living room window. I was still angry, hurt, but like the loser I was, I hoped to catch a glimpse of her.
My eyes narrowed as I spotted a familiar figure on a motorcycle stop in front of Kara’s apartment. He was clad in a black leather jacket and black pants. His helmet covered his face, but I knew who it was.
His head was turned toward the door. He stayed there, his body tense, as if debating whether to go in or ride away.
I rolled down my window. “Want a beer?” I shouted.
He lifted his visor and nodded at me. “Back at my place.”
I nodded and followed him.
* * *
“Stalking your ex?” I asked Cameron when he stepped out from the kitchen into the backyard. It was almost two in the morning when we arrived at his place. I waited for him in his backyard while he got us some beers.
He handed me one and nodded, not even trying to deny it. “Now and then.”
“I’m ashamed to tell people that I know you.” I let out a breath. “But I can top that.”
“I don’t think so,” he scoffed, taking the seat beside me. “What were you doing at my…” He cleared his throat. “At Kara’s?”
It was easier to tell him since I’d caught him there first. “Same thing you were doing. Red…” My voice trailed off. Her face swam in my vision—angry, hurt, and then closed off as she told me not to call her that anymore. “Veronica,” I corrected, “is staying at your girl’s place. She ended it between us.”
Her name felt foreign on my tongue. Veronica. I loved her name. It was strong, beautiful. But she was Red to me.
“Sorry, man.”
Restless, I got up from my seat and walked to the edge of the pool, staring at the lights reflecting on the water.
“Yeah. We were doing good. No, fuck that. We were doing great. Or I thought we were. And then I fucked it up.” I chugged my beer. “Beatrice-Rose came over to my place.”
“Damn. Did your girl know about you and Beatrice-Rose?”
I could feel the headache coming on, so I pressed my fingers against my eyelids.
She isn’t my girl anymore.
“No. That’s another piece of crap on my shitty pile of things-I-should-have-told-her.”
He nodded. “I wouldn’t have told her either, if it’s any consolation. You didn’t necessarily lie to her. You just didn’t tell her.”
I nodded, pleased that he understood.
“But she wouldn’t see it that way, you know? Kara…” He cleared his throat. “Let’s just say I know how a girl gets when she finds out about your ex from another source. It’s not pretty.” He stood beside me, handed me another beer.
“I don’t know why women want to dig up the past. It’s like a freaking obsession for them.” Cameron chuckled. “She said she didn’t care about the one-night stands. They didn’t count as far as she was concerned. But the ones that lasted more than a couple weeks—the ones that came close to relationship material—she demanded to know about.” He took a long pull on his beer. “Like it was the cure for cancer or something. Like it would change what I felt for her.” He wiped his mouth with the back of his hand. “She was it for me.”
Cameron rarely talked about Kara. I glanced at him, surprised. He was looking out into the darkness. Pensive, lonely.
“You and Kara—” I started.
He shook his head. “I didn’t ask you to come here to talk about Kara, man. I can’t…can’t talk about her more than that.”
I recognized the look in his eyes. It was pain, like he was being tortured. Maybe that was why he’d opened up to me about Kara. He’d recognized the same look in my eyes.
It hurt to talk about the girl you loved most…and lost.
“Fair enough,” I conceded.
“So you going to tell me what happened?”
“Do you remember in high school when Beatrice-Rose used to get panic attacks?”
“Yeah. You always came to her rescue. That girl played you like a violin.”
I stopped and stared at him. “What?”
He shrugged. “Tell you later. Keep going.”
Cameron had never liked Beatrice-Rose.
“Yesterday she came by my place, and I introduced her to Red.” I shook my head, remembering. “Her wineglass broke and Beatrice-Rose nearly had a panic attack, so I drove her back to her place. It was a mess. Her mom was drunk, and then her dad showed up. He is…really sick with dementia, and it was bad, really bad. Screaming, swearing at them. He didn’t even recognize Beatrice-Rose.” Restless, I rubbed my face. “She broke down after that. She asked me to stay. I didn’t want to; I felt uneasy. I just wanted to get back to my girl. But how the hell can I refuse Beatrice-Rose after seeing that? She’s my friend, and she needed me. What kind of a friend leaves a friend in need?”
Cameron nodded.
“She said she’s taking pills again. I don’t know what pills, but if they were anything like the ones she took in high school, they’re bad news. She asked me to lie down beside her. And I fucked up, Cam. I fucked up because I didn’t think. I lay next to her, thinking only of helping her go to sleep. Thinking she’d fall asleep faster that way, because we used to do that. She’d be out like a light if I did. Then I could get the hell out of there and go back to my girl. The next thing I know, I wake up and she’s on top of me. She was kissing me. And her top was off. Fucking hell.”
I gulped beer, feeling sick to my stomach.
“Damn” was all Cameron said.
“I know.”
He raised his brows. “Did I tell you why I never liked her?”
“I think so, but I probably wasn’t paying attention.”
He gestured with his beer. “That’s your problem, man. You always turn a blind eye to the people you love. She’s manipulative. A great actress. Did you know she’s sleeping with Justin?”
“What?”
“I was going to tell you at school tomorrow, but hell, you’re here now.” He sighed as if telling me was a big burden. “I had a drink with Justin last night, and he was juiced. Running his mouth off about Beatrice-Rose.”
“What’d he say?”
“Everyone thinks she’s your on-and-off girlfriend. I knew better. She was your booty call.” He shrugged. “But when she wasn’t with you, she went to Justin to get what you weren’t giving her. Still does, apparently.”
“We weren’t exclusive. She can go out with whoever she wants.”
I cared for Beatrice-Rose, loved her as a friend, but I never felt for her anything even close to what I felt for…Red. Dammit, I was calling her Red, and that was that.
“Yeah, but there were other things too.”
I frowned. “What other things?”
“Justin said she was faking her panic attacks.”
“What are you talking about?”
“She played you, man. She’s been faking them to get you to go to her.”
“Why would she do that…” My voice trailed off, my eyes widening in horror. I immediately thought of last night, the events playing in my head like a movie.
She’s in love with you, Red had said.
My heart thundered in my chest. Had Beatrice-Rose planned what happened last night? Had she pretended to have a panic attack to get me to drive her home? To get me to stay with her?
I went numb. She knew me well enough to know I was different with Red. Maybe she’d even figured out that I was in love with Red, but she still kissed me while I was asleep. Did she deliberately do that to…break us up? Beatrice-Rose knew me, knew what buttons to push to make me stay.
She wouldn’t dare.
The information came from Justin, and everyone knew he got off on spreading lies about people. But what if it was true?
The headache was drilling a hole in my head now, and anger was filling it. If Beatrice-Rose had manipulated me, I didn’t know what I would do to her. Last night had cost me the only girl I loved.
I had to hear the truth from Beatrice-Rose. But not tonight. I’d had enough. I was drained.
“I need to shut down for a while. Got anything here I can demo?”
He laughed. “Sorry, no. Got a new video game, though,” Cameron offered, clapping me on the back.
“Thank God.”
“Let’s go, then. If you’re going to be in my crew, try to keep up this time. I’m tired of covering your ass.”
I raised my brows. “You’ll be covering this ass with kisses when we’re done.”
“That’s what I told your mom last night.”
Thank God for best friends.
* * *
I didn’t go home. There were too many memories of Red at my apartment, and I wasn’t sure I could handle them tonight. Video games helped me shut off my brain.
When I’d lost count of how many beers I’d had, I told Cameron the rest of the story. I didn’t really expect him to say anything, but then he spoke.
“Some people are more work than others, but hell, if she’s worth it, then go back and fix it.”
“Then why didn’t you fix things with Kara?”
He was silent for a moment.
“Because,” he said quietly, “I’m not worth it.”
He got up and told me he was going to bed.
I stared at the ceiling for hours, torturing myself with thoughts of her. Thinking about what Cameron had said.
Red was, without a question, more work than anyone I knew.
Was she worth it?
Hell, yes, she was.
But I still had my pride, and she’d stomped on it pretty bad.
She always had a shield that pushed people away, made her look distant, like she didn’t give a damn. But she did care.
I had a bad habit of losing my keys, never remembering where I put them. But Red had placed a pretty bowl beside the umbrella stand in the living room, and she’d put them there for me. I felt how much she cared every time I saw those keys in the bowl.
I felt it when I woke up in the morning and walked into the kitchen and saw her cooking pancakes. I felt it when she looked at me like she couldn’t figure out what to do with me. Her eyes would be confused and wary at first, and then they’d clear up and grow warm, as if she was telling herself it was okay to be happy. She’d smile at me sweetly, and I’d feel a squeeze in my heart.
Then go back and fix it, Cameron had said.
* * *
The next thing I knew, my alarm was going off. I didn’t want to get up—I’d hardly slept a wink—but Red might be at school. Maybe I could…start fixing it.
I borrowed some of Cameron’s clothes and drove us both to school.
The guys were talking and laughing as we joined them, but I couldn’t tune in. We were walking in the hallways, and my eyes couldn’t help scanning the crowd for her.
She wasn’t there.
“You look like shit, dude,” Justin commented.
I narrowed my eyes at him. I shrugged—and then froze. I would have missed her if I hadn’t looked up at that exact moment. Red looked like she was in a hurry as she entered the washroom.
Did she see me? Was she hurrying because she didn’t want me to see her?
I walked past the washrooms, my heart pounding. If she wanted to hide from me, that could only mean there was no chance of her listening to what I had to say. I kept walking with the guys, lost in thought. The look on her face pulled at me. She’d looked sad and tired, like she’d had trouble sleeping last night. Was it because she was thinking of me? It had to be.
“So, Caleb, tell me: Was it pussy?” Justin asked. “You’re not getting it enough from your old lady? If you were, you’d look a hell of a lot more relaxed than—”
I shoved him, wanting to smash his face in. “Don’t you fucking talk about her like that!”
“Hey!” Cameron held me back. My shoulders were tense, my body ready for a fight.
Amos glared at Justin. “That was a dick move, bro.”
“I was just fooling around, dude. Chill.” Justin held up his hands. “Sorry. Won’t happen again.”
I ignored him and turned to Cameron. “I’ll catch up with you later.”
He nodded.
I walked back to the washroom and leaned against the wall like a creep, waiting for her.
* * *
Veronica
Clad in her fluffy white bathrobe, Kara prepared a sandwich for me, taking the opportunity to explain a few things. “Loyal men are like unicorns. You’ve heard of them, seen them in movies, read about them in fairy tales, but I’d have a better chance of shitting one than finding one in real life,” Kara declared, closing the ziplock bag containing the sandwich. “Here ya go, luv. Eat this. I only cook for people I love. Don’t waste my love because it don’t come cheap.” She sang the last part.
She hadn’t cooked anything. It was a peanut butter sandwich, which she knew was my favorite. I love Kar.
She leaned against the kitchen island as she sipped her coffee, studying me. “Why don’t you stay in today? You and I didn’t get any sleep last night.” She choked on her coffee. “Boy, that came out wrong.”
Laughing, I grabbed the sandwich and placed it in my bag. I shook my head and slung my backpack over my shoulder. “I can’t, Kar. It’s…it’s just better this way. I need to stay busy.”
Her eyes filled with understanding. Last night, she and Beth had stayed up late with me, watching movies and eating ice cream like it was going out of style. Nothing beats girls’ night.
“I still think there’s more to this story.”
“Kar,” I warned.
“He told you he didn’t sleep with Beatrice-Rose, right?” she asked. “She’s fast-food sex. That’s what she is.”
I burst out laughing. One of the things I loved about Kara was that she understood me, but she didn’t mollycoddle.
“Fine,” Kara continued. “But when you come back, you better make me some pancakes,” she said, winking.
She knew pancakes was a code word between me and Caleb. I bared my teeth at her before I opened the door. “Can you see the fuck you in my smile?”
“Always. You love me anyway. See you later, bitch.” She blew me a kiss. “Oh, and I love you too.”
I really wanted to stay in with her, but if I did, I would just think about Caleb. And I was bone-tired of thinking about him. Having a broken heart was a full-time job.
* * *
With my head down, I walked through the hallways to my locker. I was afraid I would see him, but I knew his usual hangouts. I just needed to avoid those places.
I felt my skin prickle, and I looked up. I froze, my heart jumping into my throat.
It was Caleb. He was a few feet away, walking toward me with his entourage. He was wearing a black college sweatshirt with the hoodie up, his sleeves rolled up his forearms, and cargo pants and black boots. He looked…exhausted but so handsome.
It hurt to look at him.
I darted inside the washroom before he saw me. Running into one of the stalls, I locked it and sat on the toilet cover, wrapping my arms around myself.
This is pathetic, I thought sourly, but I didn’t leave.
So what if he saw me? I would have to face him sooner or later. I couldn’t hide from him forever. But I couldn’t see him…not right now. Not even tomorrow, or next week. Or next month.
I think I’m ready to move to Japan now, or Indonesia, maybe. I hear it’s a very beautiful country.
I stiffened when I heard the bathroom door open.
“Veronica?”
What the hell?
“I know you’re in there. Please. I just want to talk.”
I don’t. I really don’t.
I took deep breaths, trying to calm myself. It was impossible. Adrenaline had already flooded my system.
When I opened the door, Beatrice-Rose was waiting for me.
The sight of her made me angry, with her innocent-looking eyes and her beautiful face. Her face was her weapon, I realized. She used it to dupe people into thinking she was harmless, when in truth she was as cunning as a snake.
“Hi.” She spoke softly, biting her lip. She looked…guilty.
I narrowed my eyes at her.
“I just want to apologize for last night. I’m so sorry,” she pleaded, looking contrite. “It was my fault. Caleb had nothing to do with it. The kiss…last night…wasn’t his fault. It was mine.”
The kiss.
What kiss?
Caleb told me he didn’t sleep with her… Oh my God.
“It was only going to be a kiss, I swear. But…one thing led to another, like it always does with me and Caleb, and before we knew it, we were all over each other. I’m so sorry, Veronica. Caleb and I…he and I…had sex last night. I don’t hold him responsible, and you shouldn’t either. I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to hurt you. I didn’t mean to ruin your relationship. It just happened. It always happens.”
My throat closed up, and my limbs felt cold and numb. I stared at her unblinkingly, at her eyes filled with apology and sincerity.
It lasted only a second, and I would have missed it if I had blinked, but the side of her lip lifted in a triumphant smirk.
My palm tingled.
“Veronica, I hope you now understand that Caleb and I will always—”
She didn’t finish what she was going to say because I walked right up to her, lifted my hand, and slapped her across the face—hard. Her head snapped to the side.
I could see the red mark and the imprint of my fingers on her white cheek.
Her mouth opened in shock, her hand covering the spot where I’d slapped her. When she turned to face me, her eyes were filled with hate.
“Drop the act,” I said quietly.
“I-I don’t know what you’re talking about, Veronica.”
Her innocent mask was back in place. I dug my nails into my palms, resisting the urge to punch her. Maybe knock out a few of her teeth.
“I know your type,” I said. “You may have fooled everyone, but you don’t fool me.”
Beatrice-Rose licked her lips, shaking her head. “You’re mistaken. I know you’re hurt that he broke up with you last night, but he and I… We loved each other even before you came in the picture. Caleb is—”
“You’re pathetic,” I bit out. I realized at that moment that I’d had enough. This girl wasn’t worth another second of my time.
I forced myself to walk away steadily. I was so angry I started to shake.
I pushed open the door and stepped out of the washroom. My vision was fuzzy, but I kept going.
“Red.”
I whirled around so fast that Caleb had to grasp my arms to steady me. Shocked, hurt, and confused, I stared at him. What was he doing here?
And then it hit me.
He’d called me a coward when he was the coward. Did he send Beatrice-Rose inside to talk to me while he waited outside? He didn’t even have the courage to tell me himself.
In the back of my mind, I was hoping he hadn’t lied, that he’d told me the truth yesterday…but I was right all along. Caleb had lied to me.
He said he didn’t sleep with her. But he did. He did. He did.
Furious, I pushed him away. Then I slapped him in the face. Hurt and confusion reflected in his eyes as he looked at me.
“I hate you,” I lashed out at him. “I fucking hate you.”
I turned away from him. When I heard the washroom door open and Beatrice-Rose’s shocked voice calling for Caleb, I ran.
My vision blurred. I didn’t know where I was going. I just wanted to get the hell away from him. From them.
I lost my breath when I collided with a hard object and strong arms wrapped around me.
“We have to stop meeting like this, Angel Face. Hey, what’s wrong?”
Damon.
“I’m going to start bringing tissues with me if you keep this up,” he teased.
“Get your fucking hands off her!”
I spun around when I heard Caleb’s furious voice. Damon’s arms only tightened around me.
“I said, get your fucking hands off her,” Caleb repeated, his voice sharp with warning. His eyes were wild and blazing with anger as they zeroed in on Damon’s arms around me.
“What if I don’t want to?” Damon challenged.
“No,” I murmured. “Just let go, Damon. I don’t want trouble.” I tried to pry open his arms, but he wasn’t budging.
There was a daredevil gleam in his eye as he whispered, “Oh, I think trouble is your middle name.”
I watched in horror as Caleb threw the first punch, snapping Damon’s head back. Damon relaxed his hold on me, and I stepped away, horrified.
He cupped his jaw, moving it from side to side, checking if anything was broken. “You’re going to pay for that, Lockhart.”
He lunged at Caleb, punching him in the stomach. They both went insane after that. I tried to get between them to stop them, but someone yanked me away.
“Stop! Stop! Get your hands off me!” I screamed.
“Sorry, but I’d pay to see this.” The sadism in the voice made me look behind me.
“You!” I spat out.
It was Caleb’s teammate who had brought him home the other night. The creep. He held me too tightly, my back facing him.
“Me.” He winked. “I’m Justin, by the way. I don’t think we were properly introduced last time.”
“I don’t care who you are.” I struggled against his hold. “Stop them!”
Damon grabbed Caleb from behind in a firm choke hold. Caleb responded by driving his elbow into Damon’s stomach. I shut my eyes.
“Why?” Justin asked.
Was he serious?
“Let go of me!”
“You’re not breaking this up. I’ve never seen Caleb this mad before. You sure did a number on him, sweetheart.”
My skin crawled as I felt his hot breath on my neck.
Inspired, I relaxed my body, indicating I wouldn’t struggle anymore. When his hold on me loosened, I clenched my fist and elbowed him in the stomach as hard as I could—just like I’d seen Caleb do.
He let go of me, clutching his stomach in pain. “You bitch!”
“You’ll get more than that if you touch me again, asshole.”
I refused to rub my arms to ease the pain from his hard grip. I could feel bruises forming already, but I didn’t want to give him the satisfaction.
When I spotted security coming to break up the fight, I let out a relieved sigh. But my mouth dropped open when I turned and saw Caleb. He looked livid, his mouth formed into a snarl as he glowered at Damon. I could see a bruise forming on his right eye.
Damon was sprawled on the floor, propping himself up on one elbow, his hand massaging his jaw. He had a lopsided grin and blood on his lips.
My first instinct was to go to Caleb. Stepping toward him, I froze when I saw Beatrice-Rose run to him.
Something inside me cracked. I looked away.
“You okay, Angel Face?” Damon asked from behind me. I should be the one asking him that. He got into this because of me. I turned to face him. He rose, still massaging his jaw.
“Damon, I’m so sorry.”
“Red.”
Caleb. My back was to him, but I could just picture the pleading look on his handsome face by the sound of his voice. I closed my eyes tightly, blocking the image. I had to walk away.
“Let’s go,” I told Damon.
Caleb didn’t follow me this time.
