It starts off as your typical Friday night.
I’m watching a movie with Eric and Kate. It’s our third Magic Mike night, the first two being screenings at the cinema. We have our buffet of fried chicken, pizza, Mexican, and desserts sitting on the coffee table in front of us. In support of my pregnant state, we all drink mocktails, but I swear Eric’s has the stench of vodka seeping through it. When I ask him if that’s a flask in his pants or is he just happy to see me, he replies with “both.”
With Nikki and Will away at her mom’s, Lex left us to go to Rocky’s, no doubt to watch porn. Nikki once told me that every time they are gone, the boxes of tissues somehow disappeared from their apartment.
The image instantly needs erasing from my mind.
So, watching extremely hot men dance on stage is a sure way to get the fire started below. I’m surprised when I feel how soaked my panties are. Geez, pregnancy hormones are seriously out of control. I text Lex to get his ass back home because if I am this wet, he sure as hell needs to take care of it.
It’s somewhere toward the end where I begin to feel uncomfortable. My third trimester has been smooth sailing so far, and I still have weeks before this baby will make its grand entrance. I can’t quite understand exactly why, and embarrassed with my panty predicament, I’m not sure how to explain it to Eric and Kate.
Yeah, okay, Matt Bomer dressed as Ken does things down below which should be illegal, but nevertheless, it’s just a movie, and again, have you seen my husband? I’m not one to hold my thoughts in, but this is highly embarrassing, so in typical Eric fashion, I blurt it out, “Right, I’m so soaked right now, I swear a tsunami just flooded my channels.”
Eric chokes on his burrito. “God, Charlie, do you need a TENA? Is it Channing in that combat outfit?”
Kate pipes in, “Oh, I bet it was Mickey Rourke.”
“Hate to break it to you guys, but I don’t know. It’s weird. I mean, yeah, they are all hot, but I wasn’t horny looking at them. Maybe my vagina has expanded, and I can no longer feel horny?”
“Wait. Your vagina expands?” Eric asked.
“Eric, did you not learn this in high school? How else does the baby come out?” Kate questions.
“Kate, how many times do I need to tell you that I’m not a vagina expert? The whole thing scares me like paranormal activity.”
“How is a vagina related to paranormal activity?” Both Kate and I are barely able to hold in the laughter. However, I can’t ignore the slight stomach ache I get from eating another burrito. Seriously, like every time I eat a jalapeno.
“Well, for starters, there’s mucus and periods,” Eric points out.
“Okay, this conversation is so done. I need to get changed, plus my stomach is really hurting from the food.” I stand up to hear Kate and Eric gasp.
I quickly turn around, both of them pale white with stunned expressions on their faces.
“Umm, Ch-Charlie…” Kate stutters. “I think your water broke.”
Eric yelps, “See! Paranormal activity!”
***
I try to focus on his hand, the warmth, the way his perfectly-shaped fingers look. Trying my best to ignore they are white, the blood drains as I squeeze onto them for dear life. My mind is racing and lost in my thoughts, I try to think of anything I can besides the fact that I’m only thirty-six weeks, and this baby is coming.
Doctors and nurses come in and out of the room, their words all lost on me. Lex, on the other hand, asks questions in his medical jargon, the doctors surprised with his knowledge. When they leave, he talks to me, but I’m scared to listen. The fear of losing our baby is ripping me apart.
“Charlotte, please look at me,” he begs.
If I look, I will cry. The tears sit on the edge of my eyelids, ready to stream down my face.
“Everything will be okay. Please, look at me.”
I muster up every muscle in my body to move to face him. The second my eyes meet his, the floodgates open. He pulls me into his embrace as much as he can without cords from the machine being tangled up and kisses the tears on my face.
“Please listen to me.”
I nod, forcing myself to listen.
“The baby is breech, but the heartbeat is perfect. Your blood pressure has spiked, and if it doesn’t come down in the next twenty-four hours, they may need to do a cesarean.”
“Cut me open?” my voice quivers.
“Yes, but it’s only a small incision, and I’ll be in the operating room with you. You won’t feel any pain, maybe just some pressure.”
I listen intently, trying to garner any of the calmness that Lex feels.
“Twenty-four hours?”
“Yes. And don’t worry, I will be here the whole time, and outside you have a hoard of visitors waiting if you’re up for it.”
I hold onto his hand tighter, wanting to savor what is quite possibly our final moment alone as husband and wife before we are officially parents.
My eyelids feel heavy. I struggle to keep them open amid the sounds of panic around me. My heart starts to beat fast, the wave of panic followed by nausea setting in. In the distance, I hear my name being called, a familiar voice. I focus on this voice, something about it I just can’t decipher. I hear it again. Now, I shut my eyes tight, and every ounce of me is trying to focus on this voice.
“Sweet baby girl… everything will be okay… hush baby girl.”
My body jerks, and my eyes open rapidly. The voice…
It’s my grandmother.
Lex looks panicked, and even with all the chaos in the room, this serenity envelops me because I have an angel watching over me—two angels. One that can be heard but not seen, and the one that sits holding my hand beside me eagerly waiting.
“The baby needs to come out now, Charlotte. We need to go the operating room,” Lex says softly.
I smile, unafraid of what lay ahead.
We are safe.
We are protected.
At exactly 2:46 a.m., Amelia Grace Edwards is born. Her tiny screams echo through the operating room causing everyone to cheer. Around me, the hospital staff is hovering, and the nurse takes away the baby as they clean her up. It feels like hours later when Lex walks over to me, his face beaming with pride as he places our daughter against my face.
“Say hello to Mommy.”
The second her face touches mine, I become complete. Her precious skin is so soft as I run my lips over her cheeks. She is tiny and perfect. There are no other words to describe her.
With my vision clouded, I turn to look at Lex. A single tear falls down his face only to be swallowed by the gigantic smile consuming him.
“She is perfect… just like you,” he murmurs.
“Just like her daddy.”
The nurse comes over and explains Amelia needs to be taken to the NICU because she is premature. I don’t argue, nor does Lex. The second she’s taken away, I feel the loss. Okay, Charlie, this is your maternal side kicking in. Just get used to it because life has changed forever.
The days seem a blur. I’m beyond exhausted and trying my best to recover. Thankfully, my vagina is still intact from the cesarean and not looking like a battered lasagna—you can thank Eric for that analogy—but I still feel disabled.
My body aches, painful in different areas, and overall, I feel weak. It takes me a day to get up and pee on my own. Thank the Lord for a catheter. By day two, I feel incredibly gross and ready for a shower.
A simple task like showering is a huge effort. It takes the nurse and Lex to help me. Apparently, my legs decide they can no longer function.
When she leaves us to tend to another mother, I cry in Lex’s arms, overwhelmed by the exhaustion and state of my body. What makes it worse is my fear of seeing the wound. The nurse, thankfully, changes my bandages without me seeing a single thing, but Lex, on the other hand, hovers over her, which she seems to take offense at. Yes, she is like sixty and immune to his looks, unlike the candy stripers who wear their slutty outfits. I swear they visited me more times than any other patient in here. It might have also been the reason why Rocky visits me every day, without Nikki.
I want to say Amelia is the most well-behaved baby in the world, and we are blessed. Wrong.
She won’t latch on. The nurses give me tutorials on breastfeeding, and, frustrated, I wind up crying every time. She screams through the night when other babies sleep. I’m drained both physically and emotionally. Both my boobs and I cry every time she does.
When Lex arrives in the morning with fresh bagels, I cry again.
He’s quick to take Amelia, and in his arms she remains silent for hours on end. In fact, she remains silent for Emily, as well, and everyone else who visits. It’s in those moments alone with me that she turns into a monster baby and finds her voice. I find solace in one of the nurses. She sits down with me and explains the changes in my body, and why I’m a blubbering mess every two seconds. It’s getting beyond ridiculous.
Amelia cries, I cry.
My orange juice spills over my blanket, I cry.
The button fails to work on my bed, I cry.
I’m tired of crying.
“Charlie, you are normal. I was like this, too. You wouldn’t be normal if you aren’t like this,” Nikki says as she rocks Amelia back and forth.
“I don’t remember you being like this…”
“That’s because I held it in, which made it worse because I suffered post-partum depression.”
The memory triggers. “I remember now. Nikki, this feels so hard. Physically, I can barely walk. My boobs have turned into watermelons on steroids, and Amelia won’t stop crying.”
And there go the tears again.
“Charlie, you need to rest, relax, and let Lex help you as much as possible. And, of course, me.”
“Okay, I hear you, what I’m feeling is all normal. I’m just saying it’s no walk in the park, and those stupid Lamaze classes and books did not prepare me for this.”
“They focus on the before not the after. Give it a week, and things will get better. Plus, you’ll get your mojo back.” She winked.
“The last thing I can think about right now is sex. Besides, don’t you have to wait six weeks anyway?”
“Yes, you do. I’m not saying you should have sex, what I’m saying is don’t be surprised when you’re at home and your hormones do a number on you, and all you can think about is hopping on Lex’s dick.”
“Don’t be silly. Don’t judge me by your own slutty standards.”
“Bets are on, Charlie. I give you three days tops before you’re blowing him like a trumpet in an orchestra.”
“Honestly, Nikki… ridiculous thought.”
***
“Where’s my niece?”
Adriana decides to make an impromptu visit. It can’t have been worse timing because we have been home less than twenty-four hours, and Nikki won her bet. I’m as horny as a teenage boy. It’s so left field, totally catches me by surprise when I see Lex in his wife-beater and gray sweats standing in the kitchen making dinner. I’m ready to blow his brains out when we hear a knock on the door.
Fuck off!
Adriana immediately pulls Amelia out of her bassinet and sits on the couch, cooing and singing lullabies.
“I’m pregnant,” she says quietly.
Shocked, I look over. “You’re pregnant? The IVF worked?”
She nods with this enormous smile on her face. “Yes, but I haven’t told Elijah yet.”
I lean over and hug her because this is crazy awesome! Cousins so close in age. It can’t be more perfect!
Lex walks into the room carrying dinner. Adriana breaks the news to him but warns him first that Elijah doesn’t know. His face pales, putting shame to ghosts. It’s impossible not to notice how he almost drops the plates. This isn’t at all like him, especially since Elijah and Adriana are married, and having a family holds importance for them.
“Lex, why aren’t you happy?” Adriana questions, looking rather annoyed.
“I just think you should have told your husband first.”
“Lex, he’s in Australia for that art promo convention. I want to tell him in person.”
Lex remains quiet. I don’t want to pry right now, but something is definitely wrong. He must have realized how transparent he is and quickly hugs his sister, offering his congratulations, but the more I watch them closely the more I know there’s more to this.
Adriana stays for a few hours, asking question after question about pregnancy. When I can’t stop yawning, she announces she will head home even though both Lex and I offer for her to stay.
The moment she closes the door behind her, the words practically fall off my tongue.
“Why are you upset that she’s pregnant?”
His posture changes, and he appears defeated as he rubs his face with his hands. “Elijah’s cancer has returned.”
It takes me a moment for the words to sink in. Cancer? Adriana never mentions the cancer nor does it seem to cross her mind as she joyfully told us the news about the pregnancy.
“It’s back?”
Lex stands and walks over to Amelia’s bassinet. She’s sleeping, but for some reason, he picks her up and holds onto her. He rubs his nose along her face almost as if he needs a distraction while we speak.
“Stage three, we think. He’s in Australia being treated.”
“Huh… wha…” I can’t form any words, my stomach riddles with nausea at the news. “Why didn’t Adriana say anything to me… and she’s pregnant?”
Again, Lex buries his face into Amelia’s hair. I don’t quite understand what the hell I’m missing.
“She doesn’t know. Elijah wants this treatment first. He doesn’t want to stress Adriana out while they are doing IVF.”
“Why would he want to have a baby if he can quite possibly die?” I bellow.
“Charlotte,” Lex warns.
“No, Lex, why didn’t you knock any sense into him?” Unable to stand quickly, I remain seated with my arms folded beneath my chest. A fresh swell of anger rises within me over the stupid decision they’ve made to bring a child into this world right now. “At least convince him to tell Adriana so she won’t be so baby crazy.”
“Because, Charlie… he has recovered from cancer before. He won’t die, okay… he will be just fine.” His words don’t convince me, and I doubt they convince him.
We sit in silence, holding onto Amelia as if our lives depend on it. Mixed emotions run through my mind, and despite barely sleeping the past week after the birth, my mind refuses to shut down.
I pray Lex is right, that he can prove me wrong, but something greater tells me we need a miracle. I feel its forces and know that only one person can confirm my fears.
Late at night, I reach for my phone as Lex falls asleep with Amelia in his arms. Finding her number in my contacts, I hit call and make my way to the kitchen. It rings, and just before I’m about to hang up, she answers, “Charlie?”
“Mom, I need your help.”
“Corazon, what’s wrong?”
“I need you to do a reading, Mom. I need some answers…”
