I sit opposite Julian at a restaurant downtown. The tension is palpable, and no matter how I angle the situation inside my mind, it always comes back to the same thing.
Lex.
The restaurant is busy for a Saturday night, and it only dawns on me as I look around and notice almost all the tables taken, we should’ve chosen something more intimate to have an important discussion regarding our future.
Clasping my knees together beneath the table, I’m unable to make eye contact with Julian. I have no clue how to begin ending things with him. My mind is a train wreck of emotions from a terrible week of no sleep and too much alcohol.
As my hand lays flat against the pristine white tablecloth, he places his own on top, a glimmer of hope sparkling in his eyes as our gaze finally meets.
“Julian, we need to talk about us.”
He leans in, cupping my cheek. A familiar touch of warmth but no longer the touch I crave. The guilt of my indiscretions allows his hand to linger longer than necessary, knowing this will be the last time he touches me, and most likely the last time he’ll look at me lovingly.
It is now or never.
I have to tell him it’s over.
I know where my heart belongs despite the hurt and humiliation plaguing me each time I remember the last time Lex and I were together.
I study his face, almost as if we will never cross paths again, admiring his hazel eyes, the way they comfort me and make me feel secure. Everything about us was so easy before Lex walked back into my life. We have no past to haunt us, and until that day in the restaurant, there was no one else between us or meddling with our relationship. It was just all us, and if the universe worked differently, it probably still would have been only us.
As he tilts his head and leans forward to kiss me, a faint smile plays on my lips as I allow myself a moment of closure. Julian will always be the beautiful man who swept me off my feet, and no matter what happens from this moment onward, we’ll always have those memories.
He deserves better, and even though I’m going to hurt him by ending what we have, one day he’ll look back and thank me. Maybe not now, but one day, one person will love him and only him.
My train of thought is interrupted by a loud commotion. As I turn my head toward the sound, my mouth drops at the sight in front of me.
Lex.
He’s standing beside our table with an attractive blonde.
Wait, is that Kate?
What the hell?
It all falls into place.
The flying back and forth coincidentally with Lex’s time here.
The controlling hot boss with a fucked-up love life, pining for this one woman.
My posture stiffens, frozen and unable to move from the enormity of this discovery. A heavy feeling erupts inside my stomach, making me queasy and breathless while I sit here completely silent with no words. I can’t believe this is happening. Why didn’t I see the signs? Her voice rings in my head. It’s not his fault he lost the woman he loves.
“Kate?”
“Charlie?” she gasps.
“How do you know Kate?” Lex barks, interrupting us.
My eyes dart between Kate and Lex. Undoubtedly, he looks like beautiful hell. No matter the pain he bestows upon me, I can’t deny my heart begging for him. His normally bright eyes are dull, almost lifeless. My eyes are drawn to his unkempt beard—unruly and very unlike him. Despite my reluctance to paint this picture of him inside my head that what happened didn’t affect him whatsoever, I’d be stupid to deny that the man standing beside me is suffering much like me.
Kate clasps her hand over her mouth as the realization of the situation sets in.
Lex asks why I haven’t returned any of his calls, raising his voice at me without a care in the world that everyone is watching us, including Julian. His overpowering alpha trait is rearing its ugly head like I’ve seen a dozen times before. The need to control this situation is the only thing on Lex’s mind, and jealousy is fueling his anger right now.
With a slow and disbelieving head shake, the color drains from Julian’s face. The pain etched all over him only cements my guilt, and as I go to apologize to Julian, his head jolts up, the momentary pained expression turns maddening. With his eyes burning like wildfire and nostrils flaring like a bull ready to attack, he stands, warning Lex to back off.
My hands begin to tremble, dreading the two men standing face to face in a stand-off in front of everyone.
It all happens so fast.
Lex punches Julian square in the face, Julian stumbles as he is knocked back, the blood pouring from his face splattering all over my pale blue dress.
Rage consumes Lex like burning hot lava as Kate places her hands on him, holding him back while trying to calm him down. Without even thinking, I touch Julian’s face, his nose dripping blood and the corner of his lip cut up. This is all my fault. Julian doesn’t deserve this—he’s done nothing wrong.
I grab a napkin holding it gently to his face and caressing his cheek, overcome by guilt at the pain I’m causing him. Why can’t Lex see Julian isn’t to blame? The big illuminated arrow is pointing right above my head. I’m the instigator of the tangled web here, not Julian.
“Fuck you, Edwards,” Julian spits, catching me off guard, almost pushing me over. “She doesn’t want you. If she did, she wouldn’t be sitting here with me right now. Game over! Fucking leave her alone.”
“Mr. Edwards, please don’t do this. You will regret it and lose her forever,” Kate begs.
“Lose me forever? Too fucking late, Lex,” I croak, mouthing words with no stamina left in me. “You lost me a long time ago. I was just stupid enough to think it was fixable.”
I laugh at the irony. I’m beyond defeated, physically exhausted, my head throbbing, my stomach weak. I desperately need to sit down and catch my breath or more so, I need to be alone—indefinitely. My thoughts are jumbled, this situation is too much. I’m tired, suddenly so very tired.
His demeanor changes, and his posture straightens. I wait for him to reveal his true self—he already did by violently blaming Julian, but I don’t expect him to communicate to me the way he used to, our most intimate form. Instead, he speaks in Spanish. As he says the words, my brain interprets them quickly and much to my horror, I understand what he says.
You want to hurt me for what I did to you, Charlotte? Well, you’ve won. To quote you, I’m done.
I stand there shocked to the soles of my feet by his words. Paralyzed by the words I never expected to hear from the man who promised me he’d move heaven and earth to make me his. In this sick mindfuck of a game we play with our own lives, I never stopped to realize the damage I could cause because it was always about me—my feelings, my hurt, and my pain.
And now, it’s finally over.
I follow Julian’s lead like a lost little girl, but there’s one thing I still want to say if only he didn’t react the way he did, if only he didn’t beat Julian to a pulp.
With Julian well ahead of me, I turn around to be met by Lex’s wounded expression. I can go over to him, beg of him not to give up on us, but we are beyond broken. The hurdles between us just keep coming, and despite my love for him, there’s no Band-Aid to repair the damage already caused.
Taking a few steps back, I draw in the distance between us to stare him directly in the eye, with a finality in my weighted gaze. “I was actually here to tell him it was over.”
Refusing to see his reaction, I turn around swiftly as Kate calls my name. She catches up with me, grabbing my arm forcing me to stop.
“I’m sorry, I had no idea it was Mr. Edwards. Please, you have to know it was all fake. I was there, Charlie. I was there when Victoria threatened him, and he told her to fuck off. You need to trust me.”
“Kate, I’m sorry. I just need to let him go.”
I walk out of the restaurant to Julian who’s in the middle of the sidewalk. We both stand, the cold night upon us, yet I’m numb, unable to feel anything but guilt. Julian’s eyes are blazing, ready to air everything out in the open. No more lies, Charlie. This is my chance to do the right thing.
“Is it true what he said?”
“Let’s go back to my place and clean you up first,” I offer, saddened by his bruising face.
“Charlie, I asked you a fucking question!”
I bow my head, my eyes clouding as tears drop like an endless waterfall. “Yes, Julian. What he said is true. The truth is, I love him despite all his flaws. More than you can ever imagine.”
“I’m not going to stand here and beg you to choose me,” he croaks, the pain lingering in his words.
The hurt is much more than I imagined. I love Julian, just not in the same way I love Lex. They may have been different types of love, but it still hurts like fucking hell. I’d spent the last eight years battling the pain caused by my foolish actions as a teenager only to experience a heightened version of it once again.
There’s only one thing I need to do. This is it, no turning back. Let go of him, Charlie. You don’t need him as a safety net. Set him free.
And that’s what Julian has become, a safety net.
My heart belongs to one man, always did and always will. That man may have told me we were done, but I can’t give my whole heart to Julian, and that’s what he deserves—a woman who will make him her world.
I slide the ring off my finger, having only placed it back on before I came here, and hold it before him.
“Charlie…” he barely whispers, his voice hoarse, almost cracking. “We’re so good together. I need you… you don’t understand how much I need you.”
“I’m sorry, Julian.” I choke back the sob stuck in my chest. “You don’t know how much I wish this turned out differently, I really do, but I can’t live this lie. I can’t help how I feel.”
I extend my hand out further, this beautiful ring in all its glory represents what our life could’ve become. No matter what happens from this moment onward, no one can ever take away Julian being the first man to propose marriage to me. It will forever be a beautiful memory to cherish.
Shaking his head with a grimace, he stares at the ring and finally takes it from me, clutching it in his hand. With a look of sorrow, he leans in, placing a final kiss on my lips.
My tears cascade between us, falling onto our kiss as our final goodbye.
Pulling away, he turns around without saying goodbye, without a single word and steps off not looking back.
Bringing my shaking hand to my forehead, I glance toward the restaurant, contemplating if I should talk to Lex, but the thought alone overwhelms me. More so than ever, I need to be alone.
With my head hanging in shame from my careless behavior and pain I’ve caused everyone, I raise my hand and hail a cab to head home.
No good will come from my company tonight.
And once again, the darkness has found me.
But this time, it’s all my own fault.
