Nine Years Ago
“Charlie, look, I’ve had enough of this moping around and wasting your life away.”
I was sitting on the chair, facing the window, watching the rain fall against the windowpane. It was unusual for it to rain in the summer, but then again, nothing surprised me anymore.
The gentle tapping against the glass was almost soothing, a noise I welcomed to drown out the incessant voices in my head telling me he chose her.
I continued to stare, crippled by the pain which had taken away my reason for living, my reason for breathing. Time was passing by. I didn’t know what day or month it was. All I knew was I needed to escape. The memories were everywhere I turned.
“I’ve spoken to Grandma Mason.” Dad cleared his throat, unable to look at me. “She wants you to go stay with her, and frankly, I agree with her.”
My body shuffled on the chair and I turned to face him. The memories of my grandmother were fond from the handful of times I had spent with her. I recalled my sister telling me Grandma and Mom had some sort of beef. She didn’t know what it was, but she thought Grandma didn’t want Dad to marry her. I was young when she told me, and perhaps, unknowingly, it tarnished my image of my grandmother as I always took my mom’s side.
“Grandma Mason? I haven’t seen her in years. Do you mean in Connecticut?” I asked, alarmed.
Connecticut was on the opposite side of the country. I wasn’t ready to completely let go, my home is here, and Dad was here.
“Yes, Connecticut,” he says, lowering his gaze. “I love you, Charlie, but you need to get your life back together. This town is no good for you, and I’m no help. I need to be on the road to pay for this house. You should be in college come fall and experiencing life. I don’t want you to regret things because you’re waiting for him to return.”
“I’m not waiting for h-him to return,” I stammered, trying to defend myself. “Even if he returned, he has a family now.”
The words cut like a knife, slicing and tearing me apart at the thought. I’d spent too many nights wide awake, wondering what they were doing. Torturing myself as I visualized him rubbing her stomach while he sang lullabies to their baby. How happy he must be to have a family, completing the package of their so-called marriage. I’d even gone as far as to picture what their baby would look like—beautiful. And then it would hit me in a new wave of pain, everything I had imagined we could’ve had one day was all being experienced in real time with her.
But Dad was right. The whole town hated me. I was the mistress whore. I had nothing left. I had been stripped bare, and all my dirty laundry had been aired for all to see. People judged me, calling me names.
I’d avoided going into town now so as not to run into Dr. and Mrs. Edwards. I’d heard from Finn that Adriana and Elijah left for the summer, but he didn’t know where. Most of the kids in school were busy traveling or getting ready to settle into their college dorms.
Finn, of course, was busy with Jen. They were as steady as you could get and had enrolled in community college to stay with each other. I’d thought about it, but not wanting to be a third wheel, there was also no reason for me to stay here anymore.
I’d gotten into the University of California where Adriana and I had planned to attend together. Aside from that, I applied to Yale but was waitlisted. Studying law was something I’d toyed with but moving across the country at the time terrified me. As a result, I hadn’t gotten in anyway and still hadn’t heard from them.
“But I haven’t been accepted into college on the East Coast?” I said out loud, suddenly feeling the weight of my decisions. “I guess I could take a gap year or apply to community college, maybe even work?”
“There are options, Charlie,” he reassured me. “I just need you to be happy, okay?”
I ran to my dad and hugged him tightly. His overpowering smell of Old Spice comforted me. I buried my head into his shirt clutching onto him for dear life, scared to say goodbye, but knowing I wouldn’t be okay if I stayed here.
“I’ll miss you, Dad,” I sobbed into his shirt. “This falling in love business is hard.”
“Me, too. More than you can imagine, kiddo.” He held onto me, kissing the top of my head before letting me go. “And one day, you’ll fall in love with someone you’ll love and will love you back just the same. I know he’ll treat my princess the way she deserves to be treated.”
“Oh, Daddy!” I buried my face deeper into his chest, allowing my tears to fall as he clung to me tightly. I never considered myself a daddy’s girl, but he had been here for me more than my mother, and I would never forget that.
I walked up to my room, pulling a suitcase from the spare room closet. I opened my dresser, pushing aside my clothes, looking for it. Underneath my shirts, I pulled out the jersey, his jersey. I still hadn’t washed it, and I allowed myself to do the one thing I said I wouldn’t do—I lifted it to my face and inhaled the scent of the fabric.
It was him.
I sunk to the floor and held onto the shirt, the tears falling and soaking the fabric. It was finally time to say goodbye. Alex was never coming back. He chose to leave me and walk away never to return, and so I mustered up what little strength I had and finished packing my bags.
The next day, after another sleepless night, I stood at the doorway, looking at my room one more time.
My bedroom no longer looked inviting, the walls were stripped of any memory reminding me of my best friend. This room, cold and empty, had no more life left in it, so as I closed the door, I was saying goodbye to this life.
***
I sat perfectly still, this feeling of being so insignificant overwhelmed me. Around me was chaos with people rushing to board their planes, others brimming with happiness as they welcomed family and friends. Then there were those waiting to say goodbye with tears and hugs, some trying to remain brave, but like most people, it only got you so far. Even amongst all that commotion, there were others who sat like me, headphones in place, drowning in their fate, their destination.
“Charlie, you don’t have to do this. Who cares what people think? If they got a problem, then tell them to become good friends with my fist.”
The battle had been fought. I’d lost and had no fight left in me.
“I deserve it, Finn. What on earth was I thinking?”
“You weren’t thinking. You were infatuated with him. Okay, so what, he’s a college major in medicine. C’mon, Charlie, you could have anyone you want. He’s married—”
“You don’t think I know that? Finn, I didn’t choose this… I mean it was my choice in the end, but it was impossible to push aside how I felt about him, and I thought he felt that way, too.”
“Charlie, he’s a guy, he thinks only with his dick.”
“No… that’s not true. What about you?”
“Well, I was thinking about my dick when we had sex. Yes, I know, even though my dick couldn’t follow directions for shit.”
I laughed for the first time in a month, and it intensified to the point that people with their headphones on turned around to look at me, but I couldn’t stop. It was the relief I needed, and Finn just sat there looking at me, slightly amused and equally offended by my ability to laugh so much at his pathetic dick.
“Gee, Charlie… I know it wasn’t great but… ouch,” he complained.
“I’m sorry…” I laughed harder. “I was remembering when you were looking for the hole—”
“Oh, c’mon, Charlie, it happens to the best of us.”
“And you were like, are you sure this is your vagina?” I roared.
His grin widened, and uncontrollably his shoulders moved, his laugh barreling out as he remembered the moment.
“Well, I didn’t think our first time should be doing it back door. Jesus, Charlie, I was hopeless. If it’s any consolation, I have gotten better, much better,” he claimed with a wiggle of his eyebrows.
Catching my breath, the laughter slowed down, and I smiled at Finn. He was a massive part of my life that would no longer be a five-minute walk down the road, and so the tears fell, and without fail, he pulled me into him as I clutched his chest.
“Hey, listen to me. I know where the hole is now. Jen can attest to that.”
“Finn…” I scolded softly.
“I know, Charlie, we’re not gonna have these moments, but you’re only a five-hour plane ride away. We can still call each other every day, and you’re gonna kick ass in college and make me proud. I know you can do this. You need to move on. I know you loved him, but you need to face the fact that he chose his life, and it was without you. You’re eighteen, Charlie, plenty more guys out there, and now it’s your turn to break their hearts.”
“I can do this,” I chanted to myself. “You’re right, I’m eighteen. It was simply my first love, and I have so much to experience in college. I’ll forget about him… won’t I?”
“Maybe… maybe not. But I’m certain that even though you may not forget about him, there will be someone else who’ll knock your socks off and know where your hole is.” He laughed.
“I love you, Finn. I couldn’t have asked for a better best friend.”
“I love you, too, Charlie. Always will.”
He hugged me tight until the announcement came for the final boarding call. As I said my goodbye, I realized that it wouldn’t be forever, and Finn would always be a part of my life as much as Alex was. With my headspace slightly clearer, it occurred to me Alex really was my first love, the kind you read about in romance novels. Everything I felt was textbook—the grieving for the loss of what we had—and while I wouldn’t have wished for an ending like this, I was able to, for a moment, believe that I could put this behind me.
All I had were memories. He was gone in the flesh—where to, I had no idea—and so I boarded the plane with a glimmer of hope that across the other side of the country, I’d find Charlie Mason again because I missed her.
I missed the girl I used to be.
