VANYA
I learned, from my early days in modeling, that I do my best thinking when I’m alone, away from the cameras. Phone turned off. Completely removed from my regular life.
The first time I disappeared was after the comment section of my swimsuit campaign blew up with hate. So many people wanted me dead. Wanted me gone. Wanted me to hurt.
And I did hurt.
All my insecurities got thrown in my face at once. All the things I hated about my body. The doubts that lived in my head escaped and attacked me until I felt like I’d lost all my blood.
I went reeling, but I couldn’t let my dad see. Mom wasn’t doing well and his business had gone bankrupt. He didn’t need another thing to worry about when his plate was so full.
I spent the night away from home. Took a portion of my modeling money, bought a hotel room and pretended that I was an important celebrity taking herself out on a date. I ate alone until it didn’t feel awkward and uncomfortable. I stared at the city, sat in the darkness and gathered all the things that would hurt me. I packed them away, deep in the recesses of my heart so they wouldn’t poke out at an inconvenient time.
It worked. I came back to my mom’s hospital room with a smile that I knew she wanted to see. It was so much easier to be strong when I learned how to rely on myself.
But things have been changing. My time with Kenya, Sunny, Dawn and Mama Moira cracked my heart open a little too far. It made me too dependent on friends. On family.
That’s why I’m so soft.
That’s why I faltered.
That’s why every little word from Hadyn can either make my day or blow my heart up in my face.
I didn’t realize how deeply he’d dug under my skin until he reminded me that his only priority, his only reason for looking after me, was the baby in my stomach.
Like an idiot, I was starting to lean on him.
Look for him.
Want him.
It’s a wakeup call. Alarm bells clanging in the heart of a hurricane.
If I don’t pull myself back now, I’m going to make the third biggest mistake of my life—wanting to be married to Hadyn for real.
I sigh heavily and set my fork down next to the fancy, gold-lined plate. The salad before me is covered in dressing and crumpled cheese. The scent of grilled chicken makes my stomach turn in disgust.
Project Vegas is not a fan.
I rub my belly through the tulle skirt I’m wearing. Tonight, I chose an eclectic outfit—a leather jacket over a slate grey tank and an exaggerated tutu skirt with pink studs.
The fabric of the tutu is scratchy but comforting. I’ve always loved ballet and if I hadn’t been told by my dance class teacher that I was too fat to dance pointe, maybe I would have been wearing skirts like this more often.
I wrap my fingers around my water glass, starting to bring it to my lips. At that moment, the sound of cutlery smashing against a dinner plate rings out.
My eyes dart around the restaurant until they land on a couple a few tables down from me. They’re elegantly dressed in designer clothes and expensive jewelry. There’s a kid—my inner age-meter puts him around six years old—sitting at the table with them.
“You don’t take anything seriously!” the woman, his wife I assume, yells. Her nostrils flare and she’s staring across at her husband like she wants to rearrange his spleen with her butter knife.
The guy shakes his head in annoyance. “I’m just trying to lighten the mood, honey. You’re the one making a scene.”
“Making a scene?” She gasps.
I turn more fully to them. Maybe it’s wrong of me to spy on someone else’s misery, but if they wanted privacy, they should have had this argument in their hotel room. Since they’re here in public, it’s free game.
Wish I had popcorn.
“I’m trying to have a serious discussion with you and you’re still cracking jokes,” the woman hisses. “Well, I’m not laughing. This is about our future. My future.”
“Exactly. It’s all about your future. You never listen to what I want.”
Her eyes burn with disdain. “I should have listened to my dad when he told me you were a mistake. I wish I never married you.”
I cringe. Harsh.
But maybe he deserves it.
The man leans forward, a vein throbbing in his neck. “You think I wanted this? If you hadn’t gotten pregnant—”
“What are you saying?” the woman snaps.
I tune out the adults and focus on the kid who’s sitting there eating with a blank expression. He looks numb. Just another evening out with his crazy parents who hate each other but live together for his sake.
The man turns red. “I’m saying you got what you wanted. You wanted a ring. I gave that to you. Now you’re still badgering me!”
“I’m sorry you feel so trapped. Why don’t you go find your secretary and bang her in your office again? Maybe that’ll make you feel better!”
Another fork clatters to a plate. It’s the child’s. He suddenly gets up from the table.
Both parents stop fighting long enough to look at him.
My heart breaks when the kid turns and I see that he’s crying. A woman shuffles over from another table. She must be the kid’s nanny because she says some quiet words to him and ushers him away.
“See? You upset him again,” the woman shrieks. “We can’t have one freaking meal without you ruining it.”
“Me? You’re the one who ruined it!”
Annoyance rushes through me. They’d rather continue fighting than check on their own child?
I wish I could dump my salad on both their heads.
“A train wreck, right?”
My attention cuts to a man who’s standing at my table.
He aims a flirty smile my way. He’s a silver fox with blue eyes and nice teeth. The suit he’s wearing is designer and his watch is a limited edition. His nails are immaculately groomed and there’s a pen in his pocket. He’s probably a hedge fund manager or accountant of some kind.
He pulls out a chair and takes a seat without getting an invitation from me. “Some people don’t know how to conduct themselves in public.”
I frown. “And some people don’t know it’s bad manners to join a table without asking.”
“I apologize.” He smoothes a hand over his tie. “I saw a beautiful woman dining alone and I couldn’t resist coming over and making sure she’s alright.”
His voice is smooth and seductive. I wonder how many times he’s done this. I wonder how many times it’s worked.
“Funny.” I rest my elbows on the table and look him over. “You saw a family falling apart before your eyes, but you were more concerned about a strange woman you’d never met?”
Does he think I’m an idiot?
I almost roll my eyes. I’ve handled my share of creeps during my career. The industry is crawling with men who want to prey on naive and insecure girls who would do anything for their dreams.
Leave, sir. I’m feeling particularly cruel tonight.
“You looked hurt,” he says.
That stops every thought in my mind.
I stare at him intently.
Silver Fox juts his chin at the feuding couple. The woman is on her feet, grabbing her purse and threatening to leave.
“Hit a little too close to home or something?” His lips curl up. “I can’t believe it. No man would be stupid enough to let you go.” He stares at me as if I’m the creme brûlée’ being served to the table behind us. “Looking the way you do.”
“And how exactly do I look?” I lift my chin.
“Like you could be the mother of my future children.”
I’m doing this for Project Vegas.
My eyelashes flap when I hear Hadyn’s voice in my head.
It’s for Project Vegas.
Shards of glass are tearing at my soul.
So this is what heartbreak feels like?
Zero stars. Would not recommend.
“Is that really what I look like to you?” My eyes slowly lift to the stranger’s. “Just a woman who could pop out your kids?”
His fixed smile slips a little. I can practically see the wheels in his head turning as he tries to figure out where he went wrong.
“That’s not what I meant.” He coughs. “I’m saying that—”
“That you see a future with me even though you don’t know me?”
His mouth opens and closes like a fish. There’s a flicker of apprehension before he exhales and puts his charming smile back in place.
“I can tell that you’re upset.” A thick finger reaches out and slides across the table. “You should be. If I were lucky enough to have a woman like you, I would never make her angry.” His hand lands on top of mine. “Would you like to come up to my room? Have a drink? We can talk about the guy who’s got you in a twist.”
I let my anger seep out in toxic fumes. “Will your wife be joining us?”
His face goes completely pale.
Normally, I don’t toy with the men who approach me. I’ve found that a firm and clear ‘no’ is more humane.
But I’m not feeling humane tonight.
I want to rip someone’s heart out of their chest.
His eyes bug. “Wife? I’m not—”
“Bull crap.” I murmur. It doesn’t hit as hard as a true expletive, but I was serious about not cursing in front of Project Vegas and I’m not going to break my streak because of this idiot.
I gesture to his hands. “The tan line around your ring finger is obvious. Even if it wasn’t, you’re wearing a limited edition Silver Wolf timepiece. It’s a couples set. Voted most popular anniversary gift in O Magazine. I shot a campaign for the brand.”
It was my first time posing with a male model who was fully dressed.
Good times.
That model and I dated for a bit before I found out that he had a keenness for naked twins and cool whip.
I grab my napkin and calmly wipe the sides of my mouth.
The guy’s face is turning red. He looks like an apple pie about to burst.
“I’m curious about something.” I lick my lips slowly. “Did you marry your wife because she got pregnant too?”
“I…” He bats his eyelashes. I wonder if his brain is backfiring now that he’s been caught. I wonder if he’ll go back to his wife or if he’ll try to hunt out some other girl to mess around with for the night.
I look him over again. The full head of hair. The practiced smile. His impeccable grooming. He aged well. I bet he was hot when he was younger. Was he a playboy back then too? Did he feel trapped, domesticated by a family and the responsibilities they bring?
My thoughts turn to Hadyn. Will he force himself to stay with me only to return to that place of restlessness? Can he squeeze himself into a mold that doesn’t fit? Will a family kill his longing for the hunt, for the freedom that singleness offers?
I don’t care for the way my heart is wailing in pain.
I don’t particularly like the reminder of Hadyn either.
This is a Hadyn-free zone.
And I hate this guy for pushing my face into the very problem I was running away from.
With a plastic smile, I pick up my phone, turn it around and snap a picture of him.
He lifts his hands and grunts. “What are you doing?”
“You should have stayed around the bar and enjoyed the rest of your wine in peace,” I mutter, rising steadily to my feet. “But you had to come over here.” I tsk at him. “Normally, I would let things like this go. It really wouldn’t serve me well to be caught up with someone like you.” I pull my purse over my shoulder. “But I’m in a bad mood tonight.”
I type fast.
He slaps the table so hard the forks clatter. Pointing at me, he hisses, “Don’t type anything.”
“Like I said, I really wish you hadn’t come over.” I lift my phone, show him the picture along with the caption about him hitting on me and then I press ‘send’.
“Delete that! Now!” he roars.
“Relax. I posted to my story. It should disappear in twenty-four hours.”
His chest heaves up and down.
I step around the table. Then I pause. “Unfortunately, my stories tend to be forwarded to tabloids and news outlets all around the world.” I shake my phone. “Ah. There’s already a thread about it online. Expect a call from your wife tonight. Tell her Vanya Beckford says hi.”
His eyes gleaming with anger, Silver Fox lurches at me, calling me every four-letter word in the book.
I gesture to the security team who’d been gathering since the early stages of our conversation. The tall, beefy guys hurry to the stranger and grab his arm on either side, holding him back.
“Are you alright, Ms. Vanya?” Gomez asks.
I smile prettily. “Yes, thank you, Gomez. Oh, how’s your little girl doing? How was the ballet?”
“She’s still on a high from the recital last week. We got the flowers you sent.”
I clasp my hands together. “That’s lovely.”
“Get your hands off me!” Silver Fox yells, huffing and puffing. “Do you know who I am?”
“Do you know who she is?” Gomez snaps.
I lift a hand. “He’ll know after tonight. Trust me.”
Gomez looks me over. “You gave this one a lot of your time. Why didn’t you call us earlier?”
“I was hoping to take care of it on my own, but as usual Gomez, you’re always looking out for me. No wonder I keep returning to your hotel. Nowhere else provides such impeccable service.”
“We’re flattered, Ms. Beckford.”
I smile primly. “Can you take out the trash for me? Between my table and theirs,” I motion to the couple who’d been arguing earlier and are now gawking at us, “I think we’ve provided more than enough spectacle for tonight.”
Gomez escorts the cheater out and I head upstairs to my room.
My heels sink into the carpets. I haven’t been wearing my seven-inch stilettos, but there’s no way I’m giving up heels altogether. These are shorter but stylish. There are wings at the back.
Just like the wing tattoo on Hadyn’s chest.
The tattoo I pressed my palm flat against as I moved over him in the back of a pickup truck. The tattoo I traced as we lay, tangled in each other’s arms, beneath the stars.
My body rolls with longing. I squeeze my eyes shut and brush the thoughts from my mind. I will not think about Hadyn right now. I refuse to give in to these feelings.
They’re not built to last.
We aren’t built to last.
I stumble into my hotel room, strip out of my clothes and slip into a rose-scented bath. Hadyn still feels close, even though he’s not here with me.
Must… have… Hadyn.
My stupid loins don’t understand that Hadyn is bad news. That’s why I have to be the bigger person. I have to control myself. I can’t put myself in a position where I lose everything.
After my bath, I’m still restless. I check my phone and notice that Silver Fox is getting tried in the court of public opinion.
Good for him.
I sink into bed and stare at the ceiling. The silence is too loud. I’m used to Hadyn’s footsteps on the stairs. I’m used to the sound of the shower as he takes a bath before bed. I’m used to his off-key singing as he rocks out to whatever song is on his headphones.
My nights used to belong to me. Since when did Hadyn become such a huge part of my routine? Since when did I start listening to every sound he made on the other end of the hall?
I roll to a sitting position. I would kill for some chai right now, but it’s late and the kitchen’s probably closed. Deciding to give it a try anyway, I dial room service.
“We are closed, Ms. Beckford but, for you, we’ll make an exception,” the concierge says.
I almost faint in relief.
When the bell rings a few minutes later, I launch at the knob and spring the door open with a huge smile.
But it’s not room service that’s standing outside.
It’s Hadyn.
And he looks a thousand shades of pissed.
“Why didn’t you call me?” Hadyn growls, still standing on the other side of the door. It’s so unfair that he looks so gorgeous wearing a wrinkled T-shirt, jeans and an expression of utter fury.
I dig my fingers into the handle and consider shutting the door in his face.
He stretches out a hand as if he can read my mind. “Don’t you dare, Vanya.”
I decide my weak upper arm strength is no match for his bulging muscles and let the door handle go. Maybe if I’d done more pushups like my trainer wanted me to, I could have muscled my way out.
But since I despise everything related to muscle building and cardio… this is me living with the consequences.
“Why are you here?” I snarl, trying to look as angry as possible.
Because the truth is, I’m not angry.
I wish I was.
I wish I could curse at him and sneer and snarl.
But the moment I saw him standing outside my door, my heart skipped a beat. And I think Project Vegas might have given me a high five.
Is it too early for him or her to be kicking?
I have no idea.
All I know is that I cannot, under any circumstances, let Hadyn under my skin again.
I fold my arms over my chest and give him my best scowl. “This is harassment, you know.”
“Then call the freaking cops.” He scowls.
I glare at him.
He glares right back.
I throw my hands up. “What?”
“Come home.”
“You mean my home? That I paid for? And has my name on it?”
“Yeah, Vanya.” He folds his arms over his chest, clearly annoyed with my tone. “That home.”
“I’m not going back tonight. So you can leave.”
“Leave?” He steps forward until we’re toe-to-toe. “You think I can sleep if you’re not home?”
I cast my eyes down because his silver gaze is burning a hole in my soul and I’m pretty freaking close to losing my head. What he did today at the boutique was touching, whether he did it for me or for our baby.
It’s making me soft. Making me vulnerable.
And I need to be tough.
I frown at him. “Hadyn, it’s the middle of the night—”
“I don’t give a damn if it’s in the middle of a zombie apocalypse. Some weirdo tried to hit on you and you outed him to the entire world. If you think I’m going to leave you alone tonight, then you have no freaking clue.”
Every nerve in my body stands to attention and starts applauding.
Must… have… Hadyn.
No, you do not need Hadyn. You don’t need anyone, I remind myself.
“Do you know how worried I was when the clock kept ticking and you didn’t come home?” Hadyn’s voice is a lethal whisper. “I thought the worst. I kept skipping through the news checking if there were any car accidents. I couldn’t breathe.”
Because of me or because of Project Vegas?
I glare at him for a full ten seconds. “I know you saw my post, but you couldn’t have known which hotel I was staying at. Did Juniper tell you?”
“He refused to. No matter how much I bribed him.”
Glad to know Juniper’s not a traitor.
“Then?” I insist.
“Forget how I knew. Why are you here?” Hadyn asks again. It’s annoying how gorgeous he is when he glares like that.
I tilt my head up. “None of your business.”
“Why’d you ignore all my calls and texts?”
“See answer A,” I spout back.
He runs a hand through his hair. “Damn it, Van. I was worried about you. You disappeared without so much as a warning. If I hadn’t seen your post, I would have called the cops next.”
“What do you want, Hadyn? A medal?” I ask heatedly. I know he’s only here because of Project Vegas. I know that’s all he cares about.
He clenches his jaw. His eyes go dark. “What I want is for you to explain why you’re in a hotel getting hit on by creeps, instead of sleeping in your bed where you belong.”
“You think I’m any safer at home with you?” I bite out.
“At least when I flirt with you, it’s not to lure you into some sleazy hotel room. Unlike that bastard who has a wife at home and still went after mine.” Hadyn stabs a finger at the door. “If that guy touched you, I swear I’m going to find him and rearrange his face.”
His fingers curl into fists and I’m pretty sure that if he’d seen Silver Fox on the way up, he would have punched him.
“I’m not your real wife, Hadyn. So this show of male machismo is unnecessary. I can take care of myself.”
Hadyn makes a low, growly sound in his throat and all my hormones flip on.
Must… have… Hadyn.
“What the hell is your problem, V? I get that things have been hectic lately, but since when did you run and hide from me?”
I twist my legs together. “Might I remind you that this isn’t me ‘running and hiding from you’. I have my own life. I exist outside of you and this baby, Hadyn.”
“You think I don’t know that?”
“I think you’re getting your wires crossed. You don’t own me.”
“What if I said you own me?” he snaps, his eyes burning like two full moons set in a face built for commercials and TV spots.
“Then I call bull crap.”
Hadyn stares at me. And then his lips twitch.
I don’t care. I’m not cursing in front of Project Vegas just because of him either.
He leans against the wall and studies me intently as if he’s seeing something he didn’t recognize before. “Are you like this because you’re angry with me?”
“Not everything is about you. Why can’t you get that through your thick skull?” I jab two fingers at my temple.
Hadyn steps forward, his expression sobering. “Is this about what I said in the boutique?”
“Why would I be upset about what you said in the boutique?”
Hadyn narrows his eyes. “You answered a question with a question which means you’re definitely hiding something. Tell me what’s going on.”
“Nothing. Nothing’s going on with me.” I gesture to him. “I’m great. Awesome. I understand this perfectly.”
“This?”
“Us. Our relationship. We’re fooling around. Hooking up. Scratching an itch. You’re the one with more experience. You know how to describe it better than I do.”
Hadyn prowls toward me. “You’re wrong, Vanya. That’s not what this is.”
My tongue gets heavy. For a second, neither of us move. We just stand there, leaning close to each other, electric beams flying from both our eyes and heat sizzling in the small space between our bodies.
Even through all the annoyance and mistrust I’m feeling, there’s something buried beneath it.
Home.
It feels right to be close to him.
And that’s why I have no choice but to step back. Step away. Put some distance between us.
I turn away from Hadyn and march to the decanter on top of the mini bar.
My hands are shaking.
I need chai. Or wine.
But the kitchen hasn’t sent up my chai yet and I can’t touch alcohol because I’m pregnant.
It’s excruciating.
“Vanya,” Hadyn comes up behind me, “I don’t want to fight.”
I whirl around. My eyes land on his. “We’re not fighting. You’re currently trespassing in my hotel room.”
“Let’s go home. You can trespass in my bedroom if it’ll make you feel better.”
“This isn’t funny.”
“Does it look like I’m laughing?” He sticks a thumb in his chest, his nostrils flaring. “I can’t breathe without you, Van. That’s what you’ve done to me. You’ve turned me into the kind of man who can’t sleep without knowing you’re safe.”
“Excuse me if I don’t skip off into the freaking sunset with you, Hadyn. Because I’m pretty sure that all these…” I gesture to his chest, “feelings that you claim you’re feeling have nothing to do with me and everything to do with the fact that I’m carrying your child.”
“You really believe that?” He swerves right into my personal space. Putting his nose almost on top of mine, he growls, “Listen up, Vanya Beckford and I mean listen real freaking good. My interest in you existed long before there was a part of me inside you. That’s the damn truth.”
The heat that rushes over me is swift and overwhelming. I lean toward him. I can’t help it. It’s like my body wants to be as close to his as physically possible.
He runs his thumb over my bottom lip. My knees threaten to give out.
Hadyn leans down.
At that moment, there’s a knock on the door.
“Room service!”
I break from the spell Hadyn cast on me and shuffle around him. “Coming!”
I throw the door open and try to look composed. “Hi.”
If the woman outside can tell that I was seconds away from tearing a certain playboy’s clothes off, she doesn’t give any indication.
With a cheerful smile, she hands over my drink. “An iced chai latte.”
“Thank you so much,” I breathe out shakily.
Hadyn arches an eyebrow at me when I duck back into the room and close the door. “Chai from the hotel kitchen? You were that desperate?”
“You are not allowed to judge me.” I stuff a finger in his direction and march to the bed.
He follows me.
I lift a hand when he starts to reach for my chai. “What are you doing?”
“Saving you from going over your recommended caffeine and sugar intake and giving Project Vegas a break.” He slips the cup out of my hands.
I scramble for it. “Hadyn.”
He holds it over his head and since he’s got several inches over me, there’s no way I can get to it.
The smug look that crosses his face is both panty-melting and extremely annoying.
“Give it back.” I jump for it.
He dons a bored expression. “Have you taken the vitamins the doctor recommended? How many glasses of water have you had today?”
Since my chai brain is currently engaged in finding a solution, I think quickly. I need height.
Glancing around, my eyes land on the bed.
Bingo.
I step on top of the mattress. The bed bounces under the weight of me.
“You thought you could stop me?” I hiss.
Hadyn’s eyes widen.
Now that I’ve got leverage over him, I make a grab for the chai. Hadyn steps back instead, trying to get out of my reach. In a last-ditch effort, I flail my arms and latch them around his neck, dragging him back to me.
He loses his footing and tumbles forward. His body crashes into mine, pushing me into the mattress. On our way down, Hadyn tries to wrap an arm around my waist, but it ends up fusing us together as we land.
His lips are inches from mine. The weight of his body is a pleasure all on its own.
My eyes slide to his darkening gaze and my toes curl when he sets the chai firmly on the dresser behind my head.
“I hate you,” I whisper hotly, going soft as he shifts on top of me.
He slides his hands along the edge of my robe. His voice is low and husky. “Hate you more.”
Hadyn tugs on the bow at my waist. The silk ties slip away like dancing ribbons, not making a sound. The blood roaring in my ears matches the frantic beating of my heart.
“I’m going to show you how much…” Hadyn finds the edge of my underwear and growls, “I despise you.”
He drops a kiss on me that teases a moan from my throat. And the moan becomes a low whimper when the rest of my clothes land on the floor and his kisses turn more languid, as if he has all the time in the world.
I hold the back of Hadyn’s head even as I tell myself I should stop.
I dig my fingers into his shoulder even as I remind myself that none of this matters.
His onslaught begins and it’s torturously slow. My thighs clamp tighter around him. Tighter. Tighter. The stars behind my eyes get brighter.
I’m driving over the edge before I can get a hold of myself.
Hadyn makes an approving sound as he keeps working.
I breathe hard and remind my heart that this moment, this ecstasy, is all that he can offer me. He will always be the playboy prince and I will always be the girl whose drunken mistake cost him his freedom.
Hadyn stills over me and grabs my chin. His slate-grey eyes force their way into my view. “Look at me.”
“I am,” I bite out.
“No, you’re not. Stay with me, V. I want you here with me right now.”
I grit my teeth, prepared to argue, but he dives so deep into me that it’s an order I have no choice but to obey.
The mini fridge buzzes. The wind teases the curtains at the balcony doors.
And Hadyn grabs what’s left of my resistance and thrusts it out the window.
I tell myself it’ll make sense tomorrow.
I tell myself it won’t hurt to hold on.
But as I push back and accept what he has to give me, the illusion shatters and I realize I’m past the point of no return.
I gave it all up to him a long time ago.
I didn’t leave any defenses.
And now he has the opportunity to take everything from me.
Hadyn whispers in my ear and I fall apart. I’m levitating. I’m rolling in sparks and waves of heat.
“Just like that, V,” Hadyn groans, his fingers stroking down my skin and over my hips with reverence.
I attack his mouth and pull him further to me.
I listen to the sounds he makes as he falls apart and then I stay in his arms after. He wraps me tight to his chest, still holding me, our bodies connected as one, neither of us moving.
My heart slowly returns to normal and the world steadies.
I stare out into the darkness and I think about the divorce lawyer I’m going to call.
