VANYA
I can’t lose this baby. Please. Please. No.
The hospital room is cool, but a cold sweat makes the blanket stick to my back anyway. I curl into a ball on my side.
The cramps have stopped, but I don’t know if that’s a good thing.
I don’t know anything anymore.
The door opens.
I scramble up when I see my obstetrician. Dr. Puma is a handsome man with tan skin, bright eyes and a boisterous laugh that sounds like big Bollywood set pieces and bright saris.
“Why is your husband waiting outside?” he asks.
Because I’m doing everything I can to put distance between us. Because I can’t keep relying on Hadyn anymore. From now on, all I have is myself.
“I, uh, I want to hear the news alone first.”
The last time I walked into a hospital room and heard that the person I loved had slipped away, it felt like someone was holding a plastic bag over my head. Like I was dying slowly.
If the baby’s gone, I want to grieve alone. I don’t want to put even more of my heart in Hadyn’s hands.
“Ah, I see.” Dr. Puma squints at me. “You two are fighting?”
Does this look like a marriage counseling session? I struggle to hold in my annoyance and keep my tone steady. “Dr. Puma.” I place a hand on my stomach and brace myself for the news. “Is the baby… okay?”
He smiles. “Yes. Cramps are very common during the first trimester. Remember your body is getting ready for the birth. The uterus is a muscle. It can contract and cause discomfort.” He lifts his clipboard. “Your stats are stable. Everything looks to be alright. You don’t have to worry.”
My entire body sags with relief, but I’m too afraid to hold onto that precious hope yet. Leaning forward, I beg him. “Are you sure? You’re not joking with me, are you?”
“Ma’am, I don’t joke about things like that.”
My bottom lip starts to tremble.
When I found out I was pregnant with Project Vegas, I was mortified. The precious life that I’d built for myself, all the blocks I’d put so carefully into place, came tumbling down.
The fact that I’m here now, worried about losing the little variable that completely upended my life, tells me how much I’ve changed.
It doesn’t matter that I didn’t plan to have a kid.
I want him or her now.
“It’s okay to cry,” Dr. Puma says.
“I’m not crying,” I mumble, even as the tears prick the back of my eyes. “I… I just thought that I was going to lose someone else and I didn’t think I could feel so helpless again. I didn’t know…” I start sobbing loudly.
I can’t control it. It’s like someone dug up the hidden chambers of my heart. The cords that were holding my casket of feelings, fears, and pain together snap in an instant. The emotions just come flooding out in such a rush that I bowl over, unable to lift my head.
Dr. Puma awkwardly pats me on the shoulder. “Vanya, I don’t think you should be alone right now. If you don’t want to see your husband, at least let me call someone else. You’re clearly distraught and it’s not good for the baby or for you.”
“I’ll call my dad,” I say in a trembling voice.
Dr. Puma gives me a surprised look.
I pretend not to notice. I know how much he wants me to call Hadyn, but when we got to the hospital earlier, I asked Hadyn to give me some space. I can’t go back on that request now.
“I’ll wait,” Dr. Puma says as if he knows that I might drop my phone the moment he’s gone.
Still struggling through my tears, I grab my phone and call my father.
He picks up on the first ring. “Vanya, how did you know I was thinking about you?”
“Dad,” I sniff.
“What’s wrong?” His tone shifts instantly from cheerful to panicked. “What’s going on, baby?”
“I’m in the hospital.”
“Say no more.” His voice thickens with emotion. “I’ll be there.”
The doctor bobs his head. “Good.” Fishing into his pocket, he pulls out a lollipop. “I usually save these for the little children who come in with my patients, but I think you could use one too.”
“Thanks,” I croak, taking one from him.
“Are you feeling better now?”
“Yeah, I’m awesome,” I tell the doctor.
A hot tear leaks down my face.
Followed by another.
And another.
“I’m perfect.”
Dr. Puma hands me a tissue. “Would you like me to tell your husband the news?”
“Please.” I wipe my tears away, horrified that I can’t keep my composure.
Why can’t I bury these feelings anymore? Is the grave where I keep my true emotions too full? Am I starting to lose control of my own feelings?
“Don’t worry about me.” Lifting my face, I mumble, “Hadyn must be losing his mind right now. Can you tell him,” I sniff, “what you told me?”
“Sure.” He gives me an encouraging smile and pats my shoulder.
At that moment, his phone rings.
Dr. Puma answers the call and speaks urgently into the phone as he leaves my hospital room.
In the silence that follows, I try to calm down, but my thoughts churn like chai tea in a blender. The giant hospital room with its cream walls and heart monitors blurs through a fresh wave of tears.
I still have a chance to meet Project Vegas. Without really realizing it, I’d built up a picture in my mind of what my life with a child would be like. Tiny, fashionable clothes that were just as ostentatious and eye-catching as mine. Languid walks down the beach with a stroller. Tiny hands cupping my fingers.
And Hadyn there, teasing me about…
No. Hadyn isn’t a part of my future.
I’d seen it all over him tonight as girls crowded around him. The world that spit him out made room for him again. He was their king and they worshipped him. What did a king need with only one woman when he could have them all?
There is no way Hadyn can handle being with me long-term.
And I’m not going to give him the chance to break my heart and prove it.
There’s a knock on the door.
It cracks open and Hadyn pokes his head through.
I quickly close my eyes and pretend to be asleep. Is it a cowardly move? Yeah. But I just cried out half the water in my body. My heart’s turned to putty. And I’m in a pretty fragile state right now. Anything he says, anything he does, will get to me.
And I can’t afford to be swayed by him.
“Vanya,” Hadyn whispers.
I breathe softly as if I’m in deep sleep.
“You were crying.” He sinks to the edge of the bed. Tender fingers scrape my cheek and send a shot of longing through me.
“I’ve never seen you cry before,” he croaks. “No matter what anyone said or did to you, you never let it hurt you.” Hadyn leans over and presses a kiss to my forehead. “I’m sorry, V.”
What is he apologizing for?
I’m the one who’s sorry for pushing him to get married, for falling in love with him, and for not being strong enough to ask him to stay.
Dad’s voice is the first thing I hear when I wake up.
I don’t remember falling asleep and I sit up groggily to greet him. “Dad?”
“Don’t hurry, sweetheart. You’ll get dizzy,” he says, gripping my arm and helping to stabilize me.
My eyes dart around the room. “Where’s Hadyn?”
“Uh, he left.” Dad looks at a point beyond my head.
“Did he… say anything before he went?” I ask. The last thing I remember is Hadyn stroking my head tenderly.
“We had a small chat,” dad says, still not quite looking at me. “How are you feeling, baby?”
I make note of the subject change, but I don’t comment on it. “Better now.”
“I talked to the doctor. You were supposed to be discharged earlier, but I asked if they could keep you overnight. Just to make sure you’re okay.”
“Thanks, dad.” I shift around and awkwardly mumble, “So you spoke to the doctor? You know about…”
“You being married and pregnant? Yeah. I knew since the last time I visited.”
My jaw drops. “How?”
“Sweetheart, I’m surprised you didn’t lose all your lungs and kidneys to the toilet. I noticed you were gaining weight and I knew that you normally keep a good diet and exercise for your job. I put two and two together.” He clears his throat. “Then I called Juniper and he confirmed it.”
I scowl. “The traitor.”
This is why I can’t trust anybody.
“How long were you planning to hide this from me?” Dad asks, adjusting his spectacles on his nose. “Since when did we lie to each other, Vanya? I thought we were closer than that.”
“We are. I just… I made a mistake in Vegas. I thought I could fix it by myself.”
He sighs in disappointment and I have to bite the inside of my cheek to keep from crying again.
“Why do you think you have to do it all on your own? That’s not what family is.”
“It is for me, dad. Family is waking up in a house all by myself because mom is in the hospital and you’re at work. It’s making my own breakfast and packing my own lunch. It’s forging your signatures on notes and baking my own brownies for the school bake sale. It’s never telling you about the bullying and pretending everything is fine because you and mom didn’t need another thing to worry about.”
“Vanya…” Dad looks horrified.
That’s fine. He can think I’m a monster. He can think I’m made of stone. Maybe I am. Maybe that’s why I’ve been able to come this far after all the trauma.
“I don’t want to run to anyone. I can’t, dad. I have my child to think about.” I put my hand on my stomach. “If everyone leaves me, I can stand on my own. I’m proud of that.”
“We all need someone, Vanya,” he says. “No matter how strong you think you are, there will always come a time when leaning on someone else is the only way to make it through. I wouldn’t have survived the hit to my business if it wasn’t for your mother. She was my strength. She was my rock. She gave me a reason to keep fighting.”
“And she left,” I snap. “She left us both. And after she was gone, you never had the courage to open a business again.”
Dad’s eyelashes flutter. His Adam’s apple bobs. “You’re right. She’s gone.”
My chest heaves as I struggle to keep my emotions in check.
Dad gets up and walks to the door. Then he turns back to look at me. “I didn’t stay away from opening another business because I was scared. It was because I wanted to be a part of your life. Chasing money would take time away from being your dad and you meant more to me than gaining back my reputation, my mansion or anything else.”
I dig my fingers into the sheets, feeling the weight of his words. “I never knew that. I… I’m sorry.”
“I’m not looking for an apology, sweetheart. All I want is for you to be happy.”
“I am happy.” My eyes slide away from his. “I’m happiest when my life is perfectly in order, dad. I want control. I don’t want messy.”
“Then I wish you good luck. There’s no such thing as a perfect world because we’re all imperfect people. The sooner you realize you can’t control your world by kicking everyone out of it, the better off you’ll be.”
