As I roll over in bed, I notice that I’m alone, but it’s still warm where Stella was lying. I slowly sit up, stretching my arms above my head as I look around the studio apartment. She’s nowhere to be found, yet again. As much as I’m happy for her and the way she’s exploring life, I hate this feeling of her being a completely free spirit. It’s like she doesn’t think or care about anything that’s really going on. She just drifts through the wind like a feather floating through the air.
There was a point where I thought she was lost, but maybe I was wrong. Perhaps she isn’t lost, but she just doesn’t want to be tied down to anything. She’s enjoying her journey and I can’t fault her for that. That was the whole point of it, right?
I just hope that maybe when she does find herself, she’ll find herself with me.
My eyes trail over to the sliding glass doors where I notice the curtains are pulled open. Squinting my eyes, I can make out her form sitting at the table. I rise from the bed, finding the bathroom to brush my teeth and relieve my bladder before I make my way toward the back patio.
Stella has a huge grin on her face and she says something into her phone before I watch her end the call she was on. My hand finds the handle and I slide open the door before stepping out onto the patio. Stella glances over at me, the smile still on her lips. My throat bobs as I see that she’s wearing nothing but my t-shirt.
If she didn’t already have a hold on me before, seeing her like this has me questioning everything in life.
“Can you just wear my shirts for the rest of forever?” I muse, my lips pulling upward as I take the seat opposite of her at the table. “It’s a look that really suits you.”
I watch the pink tint spread across her cheeks and her gaze breaks away from mine. She stares out at the trees that are lined around the back of the apartment building before she looks back to me.
“That was Olivia who called. Sterling proposed to her.”
There’s something off with the way she says it. Her voice sounds elated, like she’s happy, but her face says otherwise. I’m not surprised Sterling didn’t tell me. He had told me about a month ago that his intentions were to do so eventually, but he didn’t give me any more than that. There’s been a weird disconnect between the two of us and I haven’t even really talked to him since he blew up on Stella.
Tilting my head to the side, my eyebrows pull together. “Are you not happy about it?”
“No, I am,” she quickly recovers as her face lights up. “If there are two people who most definitely belong together, it’s the two of them. I could not be happier for them.”
There’s still a vacancy in her words, even though I know she is being honest. “So, what’s wrong, Stella?”
She’s silent for a second, looking back out at the trees as she pulls her bottom lip between her teeth and bites down. I warned her what would happen if she did that, but I’m not going to intervene. There’s something troubling her right now and that’s more concerning to me than anything. She’s somewhere else and not mentally with me right now. But just when I think I’ve lost her, she turns her head to look at me again.
“What if I never find happiness like that? I know there’s more to life than love, but everyone wants it, right? What happens if I end up being one of those people who is alone forever?”
I stare at her, my breath catching in my throat. Her words catch me off guard. Stella has led me to believe she didn’t want any attachments with anyone, yet she’s contradicting herself right now. She might want to find herself, but somewhere along the way, she wants to find love too.
“You can’t think like that, angel,” I tell her, my voice soft and tender. “You will find love and you’ll be at a place mentally where you won’t accept anything less than you deserve.”
“How does someone really know what they deserve, though? I just don’t have a lot of hope. I’ve had nothing but failed relationships in the past because I was always trying to please everyone else.”
I lean forward, resting my arms on the table. “Fuck everyone else, Stella. You do what makes you happy and one day your soul will find the one that complements it.”
She’s silent as she stares at me, but she nods as a pained look washes over her irises. I can’t quite put my finger on the mix of emotions that swirl around in her eyes before she looks out to the trees again. She’s working her way under my skin and I can’t get her out of my fucking head.
I don’t know what to do about any of this. We had an initial agreement that this would be nothing more than a summer fling, so why do I find myself not wanting summer to ever end?
Stella doesn’t bring up anything else about her future or falling in love for the rest of the weekend. We have a pretty low-key one. I tried to get her to go out and explore, but she claimed she just wanted to stay in and watch movies. There’s been a weird shift, almost like there’s a distance that is growing between us.
I’m not quite sure what is going on or if I’ve done something wrong, but I’ve decided to just let it go for now. Part of me was actually thrilled that she just wanted to lay low this weekend. My body took a fucking beating from the first week of camp and I needed that time to recoup. Although, I’m not sure I can fully recover from all of the intense workouts until we’re back in Vermont.
When we went to bed Saturday and Sunday night, neither of us made a move on each other, which was a stark contrast from the past week that I’ve spent buried inside of her. I wasn’t about to make a move because it feels like I’m suddenly losing Stella. It’s like she’s putting a guard up in place and she’s freezing me out.
I don’t know why she’s trying to push me away, but I can’t let it happen.
I can’t let her get away, even if we are just going to be in a situationship.
She’s been in her mind and I know it has to do with the fact that her best friend and her brother are getting married. She isn’t bothered by them actually being engaged, but I think it’s really weighing on her mind with her own life. Perhaps it wasn’t something that Stella ever thought was part of her plans, but now she’s rethinking it. She’s afraid she isn’t going to properly fall in love…
And if Stella is going to fall in love with anyone, I want it to be with me.
