Things have been weird between Simon and me. I haven’t been wanting to fully admit it or address it with him, but I feel like there’s been a divide between us. I’ve been feeling myself getting closer to him and I don’t like it. It scares me more than anything and the last thing I want to do is start to develop feelings for someone who isn’t going to be reciprocating them.
This summer fling is turning into more of a headache than anything. I imagined that this would be something carefree, something that I wouldn’t have to put much thought into. But now, things are getting more intense than that. He’s the only thing that occupies my mind and I need to put some space between the two of us.
I can’t let myself fall for someone who isn’t going to be falling for me too.
Simon said all of those things about me finding love and it’s what I really, truly want. When I’m in a place that I feel like I can give someone the same love in return. But I would be lying if I said I didn’t wish it was him. There’s something about him that draws me in and threatens to drown me in his ocean.
And when I really think about it, I find myself wading deeper into the water, feeling it brushing against the underside of my jaw. If I let myself get in too deep, I’ll drown without a second thought.
And then what?
It would all be for nothing.
It’s Wednesday evening. Simon has been seeming to be more and more exhausted every day and I’ve been using that to my advantage. We’re in the middle of our second week in Canada and I can feel the time ticking faster. Everything is closing in on us and it won’t be long before we’ll be racing back to reality. And then all of this will be over.
I wanted to enjoy my time with him, yet here I am just pushing him away instead. It’s a complete contradiction and it’s all from self-preservation. I don’t want to get hurt by getting my feelings involved, but I think that it’s already too late. My feelings are very much involved and I already know that Simon is going to be the one to break my heart.
But maybe it isn’t too late.
If I go back to California as soon as we return from Canada, then I cut our time short. Surely that would soften the blow to my heart? In fact, I might not even have it broken at all. I’m sure I’ll still feel the pain and the hurt, but I won’t suffer from the loss and I won’t have a Simon-shaped hole in my chest.
He comes strolling into the apartment and I already have dinner made and laid out on the table for him. He’s a little later coming home than he was last week, but that’s because he started showering at the rink after camp instead. Speaking of which… we never did make it into the shower together.
I wince at the thought, instantly feeling guilty. I’m letting my own feelings get in the way of enjoying what’s right in front of me. It’s time for me to stop being so fucking stupid and just go with it and let whatever happen, happen.
“Hey, Stella,” Simon says, his voice almost flat. It’s been a few days since he’s called me angel and I didn’t realize how much I liked hearing that word come from his lips. “You know, you don’t have to make dinner every day. I’m able to cook or can always grab something on my way home.”
I stare at him for a moment, my eyebrows pulling together. His gaze doesn’t meet mine as he walks into the kitchen to grab a bottle of water before taking a seat at the table. I know what he’s trying to do here and I can’t say I don’t blame him. This has all been a mindfuck for the two of us and I’m not making things any better.
Swallowing roughly, I take a seat across from him, watching him carefully as he puts some of the salad on his plate before handing the bowl to me. “I’m sorry, Simon,” I tell him, the words falling from my lips in a rush.
His steel gray eyes meet mine and he raises an eyebrow at me. “For what? You didn’t do anything wrong.”
“But, I did,” I tell him, my voice sounding small. There’s a part of me that wishes the ground would open up and swallow me whole. No one likes to admit when they’re wrong and this is most definitely an uncomfortable conversation to be having. “I went and made things weird between us and I owe you an apology for that. I didn’t come to Canada with you for things to be awkward between us.”
Simon stares at me, his fork in his hand as he tilts his head to the side. “Are we having an honest conversation here? Or are we just going to tiptoe around the truth?”
This time it’s me who’s raising an eyebrow. “What truth would we be tiptoeing around?”
“The fact that you’re trying to push me away. If you want to have a real talk about it, then tell me why.”
Shit.
I can’t tell him why. If I tell him why, then I’m laying everything out there for him to see. I’m revealing all of my cards, and I don’t feel confident enough to do that. Judging by the curiosity on Simon’s face, he really doesn’t have a damned clue. And I’m not about to be the one who lets him in on the little secret I’ve been keeping.
And that secret is, I have goddamn feelings for him.
“I told you that I didn’t want to get involved with anyone,” I start, making sure I choose my words carefully. “I need to focus on myself and you’ve been blurring my thoughts. This won’t go past this summer and I know when I’m starting to get attached to someone—whether it’s as a friend or romantically.”
Simon’s metallic eyes burn holes through mine. “And which is it this time? As a friend or romantically?”
Goddammit. Simon frowns as I hesitate, but I’m not even sure what to say. I can’t be honest with him about my feelings, but I can’t sit here and lie to him. Not when he has me backed into a corner with nowhere to run.
“Both.”
His frown vanishes, but his jaw clenches as he nods. “So, what do you want to do about it, Stella?” he questions me, his voice low and calculated. “If you don’t want to get attached and you want space, please tell me how we do that while living in this fucking studio apartment.”
I can’t tell if he is pissed off or hurt. He sits completely still in his seat. His tone isn’t angry but he is not happy. That much, I can tell.
“I don’t want the space.”
“You’re contradicting yourself, Stella,” he informs me, as if I didn’t already know. “What do you want?”
I swallow hard over the lump lodged in my throat. “You.”
He’s silent as he tilts his head to the side. “Then I’m yours for as long as you’ll have me. But stop trying to push me away. I’m not going to play games with you, angel. If you decide you don’t want me, that’s fine, but I need you to be straight up with me. Can you at least do that for me?”
“I don’t want to play games either,” I admit, shifting uncomfortably in my seat. “I just can’t let my heart get involved. Our lives are completely different. We live on two different coasts. There’s no way anything could work after I go back to California.”
“Stop thinking so far into the future,” he says simply as if it’s the easiest thing to do. “Just worry about what is happening in the present moment. Nothing is guaranteed except for this moment.”
“How can you say that when you’ve been working your entire life to set yourself up for your future?”
Simon falls silent as he chews on my words. “That’s a good question and one I honestly can’t answer fully. I have hopes for the future and want it to be something I’m going to enjoy, but I can’t guarantee that it’s going to happen. I don’t know, Stella. Maybe I’m not the person who should be giving you advice.”
I tilt my head to the side, raising an eyebrow at him as I process his last sentence. “Why would you say that?”
“Because I’m involved with someone I have feelings for, even though I know it’s going to end sooner rather than later.” He pauses for a moment and I swear all of the air leaves my lungs in a rush. “So, I don’t have any advice or answers for you. If I were that concerned with my future, don’t you think I would be worrying about how the hell I’m going to recover after you tear my heart to shreds?”
Every single word completely leaves me. I stare back at him, my eyes wide as I struggle to breathe. Simon abruptly drops his fork onto the table before he pushes his chair back in a haste. There’s frustration and pain swirling in his irises and I want to reach out and wash it away.
But he doesn’t give me a chance.
Instead, he heads out onto the back patio, leaving me completely alone as his words hang heavily in the air. I’ve been so concerned with my own self-preservation, I didn’t fully take his into consideration.
Simon has feelings for me, and there’s only one thing left for me to do to make this right.
I have to be honest with him.
I have to let him into my heart.
