“Molly, I feel like we should—”
I slid off the back of his bike and held up my hand. “Don’t.”
Something had changed, and I felt it the instant Cole got onto the highway. I wasn’t sure what in the world had happened or why his demeanor has shifted on me so quickly, but the tone of his voice coupled with those words only spelled “trouble” as far as I was concerned.
“Let’s talk about this first before you do anything hasty,” I said.
Cole sighed. “Look, it’s nothing personal. But we’ve had a good time and that’s really all this was.”
I blinked. “So, that’s really what you’re going to stick with.”
He shook his head. “I’m not following.”
I crossed my arms over my chest. “Cole, I might not know you very well, but I know enough about you to know that something’s happened. We were good on our first date, we were good all day, and now you don’t want anything to do with me?”
“Like I said,” he said with a shrug, “it’s nothing personal.”
“I’d ask if this was about the sex, but we had sex. And I know you enjoyed it. I’ve got the crusties to prove it. So, is this about the fact that I won’t call off work again?”
He sighed. “No.”
“Is this about the fact that I haven’t asked you to stay over with me since I don’t want to stay at your place?”
His head fell back. “Ugh, I hate it when women do this.”
“Do what?” I asked as my voice started to raise. “Fight for you because you might mean something to them?”
He clicked his tongue as his eyes came back to mine. “That’s why I’m ending this.”
I blinked. “What?”
“You’re way more invested in this than I am. I’m not looking for love. I’m just looking for a bit of fun to get me to the next woman.”
I scoffed. “The next what!?”
His eyes danced between mine. “Surely, you understand.”
I chewed on the inside of my cheek. “Yeah, I understand. I understand just fine.”
I turned on my feet and stormed off to the stairs before I paused.
“I know that I was only a good lay to you,” I said over my shoulder.
Cole cleared his throat. “Molly, come on.”
I whipped around. “No, you come on. This is bullshit, and you know it. I know you had a good time with me. I know we’re both more attached than we should be. So, I don’t know what the fuck’s going on with you, but if I get back up to my apartment and you haven’t followed me inside so we can talk? You can lose my number and my address. Got it?”
And when he held his hands up in mock surrender, I couldn’t believe the words that came out of his mouth.
“Sounds like a dream to me.”
It was as if I were staring at another human being altogether. This clearly wasn’t my Cole, right? This wasn’t the Cole I’d been on a date with yesterday. This wasn’t the same man that I had given my body to with courage and strength. This wasn’t the man that made me feel confident and important.
This was someone completely different.
“Whatever. Have a nice life,” I murmured.
I stormed upstairs and slammed the door closed behind me, not even bothering to see if he had followed me up. I knew he wouldn’t. I knew he wouldn’t follow me in an attempt to grovel. Yet, when I heard his bike speeding off, I raced to my balcony door and threw it open.
“Cole! Come on!” I exclaimed.
I threw all of my dignity at his feet, and yet he rushed off in a blaze of glory like I meant nothing. Like I was nothing.
And as silent tears dripped down my cheeks, my neighbors yelled at me to shut up.
So, that was exactly what I did.
I sulked inside and closed the door behind me. I locked all of them so he couldn’t turn back around and burst in on me without someone hearing and calling the cops. Then, I stripped my clothes off, leaving a trail from my small-ass living room to the door of my bathroom. I watched myself in the small, rectangular bathroom mirror as tears dripped down my cheeks. And as those tears carried the weight of my makeup, I made myself a vow that I refused to break as long as I lived.
“No more men,” I whispered to myself.
I didn’t have the stomach. I didn’t have the strength. I didn’t have the patience to be whiplashed like that just because some dude was that desperate to get his dick wet. I started the hottest shower I could stand and slid inside, sitting down at the bottom beneath the heavy stream of water.
And as I pulled my knees up against my chest, I cried against them.
I didn’t just cry for Cole, though. I cried for all of the pain I had held onto for so long. I cried for my childhood. I cried for my broken heart. I cried for a body that would long for a man that didn’t want me anymore. I cried for my father, and the bullshit I had to endure with him. I cried for my mother, and the painful death she experienced at the hands of her cancer. I cried for the loneliness that always reared its head in the worst of ways.
And I cried as I fought the want to backslide into my self-harming tendencies.
“No, you can’t,” I whispered as I rocked back and forth. “You can’t. Not this time. You’re better than this.”
My heart desperately wanted to know what happened. My brain wanted to know what I had done wrong to push Cole away. But my soul knew the truth. My soul knew that it wasn’t me, but it really was actually him.
For once, the cliche was accurate.
I laid down at the bottom of the tub, allowing the heat and the steam to cleanse my body. Snot dripped from my nose as I shivered with my sobs, allowing them to pour forth like never before. If I was going to have a clear head to take care of the kiddos tomorrow, then I had to get it out. I couldn’t be focused on anything but their well-being, so I allowed myself to focus on my pain.
On my brokenness.
On the fact that I had fallen heavily for Cole in such a short span of time.
“I was just a piece of ass to him,” I choked out breathlessly.
I’d never felt so useless and so disgusting in all of my life, and I knew then and there it would take more than a shower for all of this to go away. I knew one thing for certain, too. I knew I couldn’t stay in my apartment. So, I pulled myself up onto my feet, washed myself down, and after I dried off I practically leapt into some clothes and reached beneath my bed for a bag I always kept packed in case of emergencies with the kids.
Then, I started out of my apartment and headed for their house.
Me: Hey there, Sunny. I’m headed to the house for the evening. I need some time away from my own place. So, if you want to take the evening off, I’ll be around.
After shooting off a text to the night nanny, I crossed town to treat myself to my favorite splurge restaurant. It was one of the trashiest joints in town to go inside and sit down in, but their food was absolutely amazing. It was greasy and jam-packed with calories that no one needed, and it was the best kind of comfort food in town.
So, I ordered myself a large bacon cheese fry, a large banana mocha milkshake, a cinnamon roll, and a personal pan pizza. Before I headed to spend the evening somewhere else other than my own place.
A place that was permanently marked with a man that wanted nothing than the sex I could provide.
“Fucking piece of shit bastard,” I murmured.
And I hoped a night of unhealthy food, lounging in the moonlight, and crying in the hot tub would help cleanse my body and mind of him before the kiddos got up in the morning.
If anything, so I could continue on with my life the way I saw fit.
