To this day, I was unsure of how long I sat there. But as I straddled my bike and listened to Molly mutedly curse me up and down as she walked upstairs toward her apartment, my heart shattered. I never understood what people meant by that phrase, like the heart was made out of glass or something like that. I never understood why people said their heart broke. What did that even mean? Did their heart sever? Did it start bleeding everywhere? What kind of pain would that be like? How would the body even feel something like that?
I could tell you what it felt like.
It felt like someone had tied me down, held a scalpel up to my eye, then smiled as they pierced directly into my brain. It felt like someone had burrowed through my skin, carved out a hole in my skull, and sawed out the place of gray matter that controlled how my heart felt. It felt like I was bleeding out on a table, watching as my entire life passed before my very eyes. A life I would never live because of the life I had chosen to live.
And for the first time in my adult male life, I cried.
Silent tears slid down my cheeks as I revved my motorcycle engine. I gripped the handlebars and cleared my throat as I tried to push the pain of my severed brain out of my mind. I clenched my teeth and cursed myself for choosing the path I had. For making the decisions I had. For not giving myself the opportunity to have a shot at a life I didn’t even understand I wanted until Molly had come along.
Two fucking dates, and my life would never be the same.
As I drove away from her complex, though, I knew it was the only way to keep her safe. I had fallen in love with Molly. I had let her underneath my skin and she had changed me—altered me—in ways no woman ever had. She held a hold over me that I didn’t want to live my life without, and the further I moved away from her apartment, the more of me that got left behind.
My heart, at her doorstep.
My brain, at the foot of her stairs.
My arms to hold her tight, securely at the gates of her complex in order to keep her safe.
And my soul, dribbling itself onto the hot asphalt as I burned rubber to get away from her. Away from the pain. Away from the soul-wrenching idea of her getting caught up in shit that might actually kill her the way it almost killed Josie, Astrid, or Raven.
I wasn’t strong enough to watch that happen to Molly.
This was the only way I knew to keep her safe, and damn it, I’d make myself do it. But as I pulled into my driveway and cut the engine to my bike, I still felt that wetness dribbling down my fucking neck. I wiped hotly at my tears before I swung my leg over, resisting the urge to pick up my bike and toss it out with the trash.
Then, I slammed my way inside to feed Opie.
He rushed toward me, his tail wagging and his tongue dangling out of the side of his mouth as he bounded toward me. He leapt into the air and I caught him in my arms, but as he licked my face, I didn’t speak with him. I didn’t play along with him. I simply couldn’t; I felt lifeless in some half-beaten carcass that should have stopped standing a long-ass time ago.
“All right, big boy, let’s get you some food.”
“WOOF!”
Opie jumped out of my arms and crouched down, staring at his food bowl with his tail sticking up in the air. I scooped him up an extra helping of the stuff I knew he loved before placing a few treats at his side, then I washed and refilled his water bowl. I gave myself enough time to wolf down a bagel and half a cup of old, stale coffee that had been left out in the pot from a few days ago.
Then, once Opie was curled up in his corner and napping, I headed out to make my way back toward the clubhouse.
“Well, lookie who decided to show up!?” Finn exclaimed.
The guys all threw their hands into the air and whooped for me as I came through the door. But Brooks caught the look on my face and cleared his throat.
“What’s wrong?” he asked.
I closed the clubhouse door behind me and snickered. “Am I missing a party or something?”
Porter furrowed his brow. “You didn’t get my text?”
I sighed. “Sorry, been a long day. Is it church?”
Brooks tilted his head off to the side. “Tanner’s birthday is tomorrow. We’re celebrating tonight.”
I closed my eyes. “Shit, Tan. I’m so fucking—”
He chuckled as he walked over and slung his arm over my shoulder. “Dude, you ain’t got shit to apologize about. Though, Brooks is right. You look like someone just ate your lemon bar. What’s with the puckered face?”
Brooks folded his arms across his chest. “You saw something, didn’t you?”
Don’t mention Molly. Leave her out of this. “Uh, yeah. Sort of.”
Porter stepped up to Brooks’ side. “What do you mean, sort of?”
Tanner patted my chest. “Come on, Cole. Don’t leave us hangin’ like that.”
But Finn read me like a fucking book. “You were being tailed.”
Brooks’ eye twitched. “Is that true?”
I snickered. “I don’t know how you do that, Finn, but good work. Yeah, I was being tailed. Took me a while to shake them, too.”
The guys quickly rushed me before Finn spoke again. “The Black Flags? Was it one of them?”
Porter chuckled. “Don’t tell me Chops was stupid enough to pull some shit like that.”
I puffed my cheeks out with a sigh. “It wasn’t Chops, and they weren’t on a bike. There were two of them in a car wearing black leather jackets. But that’s all I saw of them. For all I know, it was some other crew or two asshole college kids thinking they’re hot-shit punks. But…”
Brooks nodded. “But you don’t think so.”
I licked my lips. “That’s not what my gut’s telling me, no.”
Archer chewed on the inside of his lip. “Permission to suggest a temporary solution?”
Brooks snorted. “I’m not Chops. Just say what’s on your mind.”
Archer cleared his throat. “I think there’s a little too much going on for us to be as spread out as we are, especially since some of us are scattered along the outskirts of the city. I think, for now? All of us, including the ladies of the group, should live at the clubhouse for a while.”
Porter narrowed his eyes. “You really think it’s gotten that bad?”
Archer shrugged. “If Cole’s being tailed? Then yeah, it’s gotten that bad.”
Brooks murmured to himself. “He’s got a point.”
Finn shrugged. “Besides, isn’t that why we renovated the clubhouse in the first place? You know, to add more rooms and bathrooms in case this happened?”
I closed my eyes. “He’s got a point there, too.”
The room fell silent for a while before Brooks’ voice sounded. “All in favor of us and our families staying here for a while, raise your hands.”
And for the second time in our club’s history since Hyde died, we came to a unanimous decision on the issue at hand.
But it didn’t do anything to settle the hurt, pain, and fury kicking up in the deep, dark pits of my broken soul.
