Pain lodges at the back of my head when I open my eyes.
Moisture clings to my lashes as I blink tears away. Was I crying? But from what?
I cradle my temples while I try to recall the nightmare I just had and why I’m on the verge of bawling my eyes out.
My teeth chatter and I decide not to ponder over the nightmare. Instead, I hold on to last night’s memories.
A tender ache blossoms between my legs, but it’s the delicious type, the type that brings a smile to my lips. I remember each and every one of Adrian’s touches, the way he was considerate, passionate, but also slow, taking his time in owning my body.
While Adrian has the best aftercare, last night was the first time he’s been that affectionate during the act itself. As if he wanted to engrave himself beneath my skin and stay there. Not that he needs to. He seeped through my bloodstream like a potent potion long ago.
One thing’s for sure, something changed between us last night, because, in a way, I feel closer to him now more than ever. But it hurt to confess my feelings for the second time and get silence again.
I try convincing myself that I’m used to this, that I’m already aware of Adrian’s inability to have those feelings, that his care and attentiveness are enough.
But I guess I’m too greedy to settle for that.
I’m too greedy for the touch I felt yesterday, for how he held me, kissed me, and worshipped every inch of my body as if it were the first and last time he’d be with me.
The hangover headache is worth it.
Though I would’ve preferred he be by my side this morning. Did he perhaps go to train with Kolya and the others as usual? Or maybe Jeremy tried to barge into the bedroom and Adrian decided to have breakfast with him.
I take my time waking up, trying not to trigger my already blinding headache. When I straighten to get out of bed, I startle when I notice Adrian sitting on a chair by the door. He’s wearing a white shirt and black pants, his elbows on his knees and his hands forming a steeple at his chin.
I smile, but it vanishes as I stare into the soulless depths of his ashen eyes. They’re dark, cold, and absolutely savage, like that day he killed that man right in front of me.
The only difference is they’re now focused on me. He was probably watching me like that the whole time I was sleeping.
A strange apprehension grips me by the throat as I pull the covers to my chin, feeling like I need every barrier possible right now. “Adrian…? What’s wrong—”
“I’m going to ask you some questions and you’ll answer,” he cuts me off, his calm like a thousand needles pricking into my skin at the same time. “Lie and it’ll be the last you’ll utter.”
My heart thrums violently in my chest and my breathing shatters into fragmented pieces. Adrian has only been this cold to me when he thought I was cheating on him. But I thought he believed me for a few weeks now.
I thought we’d started a new page.
“Do you remember Mikhail’s last birthday party, Lia?”
Oh, God.
Oh, no.
Why is he asking about that? Did he figure it out? Of course, he did. Adrian isn’t an idiot. He wouldn’t have brought up that day if he didn’t have a purpose behind it.
My lips feel dry and chapped as I speak. “I…can explain.”
“I didn’t ask if you could explain, I asked if you remember Mikhail’s last birthday. Answer the fucking question.”
Moisture gathers in my eyes when I murmur, “I do.”
“You saved me that day because you magically happened to notice the mercenary.” He stands up and I shrink against the headboard. “See, I don’t believe in magic, Lia, but I chose to at that moment. I chose to believe in a coincidence, in a statistical fluke that you saw the assassin before Kirill, Damien, Kolya or I could.”
A tear escapes my lid. “Adrian…please…”
“Were you planning to kill me from the beginning, Lia? Is that what you and Luca agreed on?”
“No, no, I swear. I didn’t…didn’t…want to kill you…”
“But you planned it?”
“No…”
“I said not to lie to me.” He stops by my side, glaring down on me. “I said it would be your fucking last.”
I grab his wrist with both hands, and even though my skin is cold, I need to establish some sort of a connection between us. To hold on to the hope that we knew each other for years and that it should mean something. “He only asked me to keep an eye on you, saying he’d tell me about my parents’ deaths in return. But I stopped. I swear, I never wanted to hurt you.”
“You only meant to kill me. Fucking betray me.” He grabs me by the wrist and yanks me off the bed.
I squeak as I stumble and nearly fall to my knees. His hold is harsh and unforgiving, with the intention of inflicting pain. “That’s not true…please…please…hear me out. I know you’re angry but…”
“Angry? I’m not angry, Lia. I’m enraged, disappointed, in pain right fucking here.” He taps the center of his chest. “All I’ve ever done is protect you, even when you could’ve been a huge disadvantage for me. I married you instead of using you as a pawn when I knew Sergei would have my head if he learned of your origins. Even when I was fully aware that Igor would plot my demise if he figured out I abandoned and humiliated his daughter, a Russian, one of my own, to marry an Italian. But what did you give me in return? You betrayed me, you took the training I gave you and fucking stabbed me in the back with it.”
“No…” I’m sobbing, salty tears the only thing I can taste. “No, I didn’t…”
“There’s only one punishment for betrayal, Lia.”
I suck in a sharp, shattered breath, shaking my head over and over. “Adrian, please, I know…I know I shouldn’t have talked to Luca, but he was the only friend I thought I had. I realize now that he was just using me. Back then…back then…I was too lonely, too scared, and I needed someone when you were being too harsh and distant.”
“So you chose a lover?”
“I told you he was never my lover! You think I could ever think about another man after meeting you?”
“You obviously did since you plotted my death. I’m curious, what did you plan to do after I was dead, start anew with him?”
I shake my head violently until my neck aches. The thought of Adrian dead brings fresh tears to my eyes.
“Fucking answer me, Lia! Did you sit down and plot the perfect way to kill me?”
“I would never plot to kill you, not even when you hurt me, not even when I thought I hated you.” I push at him with all my might. “I killed for you, you fucking idiot! I killed the man Luca brought that day, because the thought of him hurting you made me lose my damn mind! That’s why my depression hit hard afterward, that’s why I was like a zombie to the point I couldn’t pay attention to my own son! Killing a man, even if he was a criminal, hit me hard and I couldn’t survive it. But do you know what the worst part is? If it were to protect you, I’d repeat it in a heartbeat.”
Adrian doesn’t say anything, his chest rising and falling with alarming speed. We watch each other for several long seconds, my sniffles and his harsh breaths filling the air.
“You were the one who killed him?” His voice is low but firm.
“Yes, and I removed the bullet so you wouldn’t know it was me.”
“Why didn’t you tell me?”
“Because of the exact way you’re acting right now. I knew you wouldn’t believe me, that you’d think I’d betrayed you. I never have, Adrian, I swear. I couldn’t even if I wanted to.”
“Why not?”
“Because I love you,” my voice cracks with the wrecking force of my sobs. “I’m in love with you, and that means I would rather hurt myself and jump off a cliff instead of causing you any pain.”
“Fuck, Lia.” He closes his eyes, sucking in a deep breath, then pushes me to a sitting position on the bed. “Tell me everything.”
“Does…does that mean you believe me?”
“Tell me everything,” he repeats. “Don’t leave any fucking detail out.”
I wrap the covers around me as I recite what happened in the last six years, starting with when Luca approached me about keeping an eye on Adrian, then on to our meetings in the shelter’s bathroom, and I even tell him about the crumbs of information I shared with Luca.
It’s useless to keep anything from Adrian at this point, not when he seems to be on the verge of throwing it all away.
“So you’ve been meeting him regularly,” he says with deceptive calm after I’m done. “Behind my back.”
“It meant nothing. I promise.”
“How could it mean nothing when you did it religiously?”
“I told you, I just needed a friend. After…after I killed that man, I pulled away from Luca. That day at the park, I told him we no longer had any sort of relationship and that we should each go our separate ways. He forced that kiss on me because I was no longer on his side.”
“Should I be grateful for that? Should I be fucking grateful that you stopped meeting the man who’s been planning to kill me, Lia?”
“No…that’s not what I meant…”
“If I hadn’t found out, would you have taken your secret to the grave or would you have rekindled your relationship with Luca and come after me again?”
“No, never! I…I wanted to tell you all about it but couldn’t muster the courage. You…you can be so scary sometimes and I didn’t want us to lose what we have.”
“Well, congratulations. We already did.”
My heart falls to the bottom of my stomach. The room spins around, and although I’m sitting, it feels as if I will fall in a heap on the ground. “W-what?”
“Get dressed.”
“Why?”
“Get fucking dressed.”
I jerk to a standing position, letting the covers fall to the floor as I head to the closet. My hands are clammy, shaking, and tears won’t stop escaping my lids, blurring my vision and rolling down my cheeks and neck.
Due to my state, it takes me some time to put on my underwear and a black wool dress.
My husband watches my every move with his cold expression. I want to ask him what he meant by his words, I want to beg for another chance, but the fear of his cold shoulder and rejection keeps my quivering lips shut.
As soon as I put on my coat, he grabs me by the arm and drags me out of the room and down the stairs. I’m unable to keep up with his long strides and end up stumbling and nearly falling a couple of times.
“Adrian…” My voice cracks. “Whatever it is you’re planning to do, don’t… Please…don’t…”
He yanks the front door open and I grit my teeth when the freezing air hits me and saturates to my bones.
The sky is gloomy, nearly invisible as heavy snow falls and blurs the horizon.
I’m still begging and pleading while Adrian drags me in the direction of the forest. Our feet form holes in the thick layers of snow as we go on and on until the house disappears from view.
“Adrian…Adrian…”
He yanks me in front of him and I stumble before falling on my knees, face-first into the snow. I lift my head to stare at his closed off expression.
“Sergei found out that I killed Richard and he will demand retribution for such betrayal.” His voice is more frigid than the merciless snowstorm.
“You…you…don’t mean…”
“There’s only one punishment for traitors, Lia.” He retrieves his gun from the back of his pants. “Death.”
