I think I’m crazy.
Either that or everything I just learned is true and I’ve lost nearly two months of my life.
Two months of believing I was Winter.
Two months of escaping my true identity.
Two months of…lies.
Flashback upon flashback slice through my battered head with the wrecking force of a thunderstorm.
My life plays in front of me like a distorted movie, one where the audience doesn’t know the ending until it strikes them in the face.
My name is Lia Volkov.
It’s not Winter. I’m not homeless.
I have a husband, and Jeremy is indeed my son.
Winter has always been a figment of my imagination. No, not my imagination. She’s a real person whose identity I used so I could escape my own.
Why…? Just why…would I do that?
I sag against the wall in the dim, narrow alleyway and stare up at Luca through my blurry vision. When I planned to escape with Jeremy and texted my childhood friend for help, I didn’t think he’d plot an entire masquerade. I never would’ve anticipated it was he who sent the circus clown to where I was waiting in the park in order to distract the guards and Jeremy so that he could pull me into this alley.
This is the same Luca who wanted me to not only spy on Adrian, but to also kill him—because I killed the mercenary he hired for the job.
Bile rises to my throat and I slap a hand on my mouth as the realization coils inside me, twisting and tugging on my heartstrings.
I killed someone.
To protect Adrian, I didn’t think twice about ending a person’s life. That’s why I went mad. That’s why somewhere in my mind, being Winter made more sense for my sanity.
She might have been homeless, but she was free and definitely not a murderer.
Luca snaps two fingers in front of my face, his impatience etched in his hard features. The leather jacket, black baseball cap, and mask give him the anonymity he religiously tries to achieve. I don’t remember him ever showing up in public with his face entirely visible. The stench of bleach coming from him fills my nostrils. He always has that distinctive smell, because he’s obsessed with cleaning. Before, I thought he had an OCD, but maybe it’s more to do with cleaning bodies and killing.
Somewhere in the gloomy corners of my mind, I recognized the smell when I was Winter. I was close to identifying him but couldn’t.
“I don’t have all day, Duchess.”
Hot red emotions bubble in my veins as I let my hand fall limp at my side. “What have you done to me?”
He lifts a shoulder. “I opened your eyes to the truth. I told you that Adrian has been using you all along because you’re Lazlo Luciano’s daughter.”
I jam a stiff finger in his chest. “The only one who’s been using me all this time is you, Luca. I considered you a friend, but you’ve been manipulating me all along. You’ve endangered my, my son’s, and my husband’s lives just because it serves your agenda.”
“My agenda? What the fuck, Duchess? Have you forgotten why Adrian is keeping you by his side?”
“That’s for me and him to sort out. You have no damn business to get between us.”
Luca’s eyes flash with unmasked rage and he grabs my arm, his gloved fingers digging into my coat. “You’re choosing him over me?”
“I’m choosing me over you, Luca. I don’t want anything to do with you anymore. Leave me and my life in peace and go away. If you ever hurt Yan or anyone else I care about again, I won’t hesitate to shoot you like I shot your man.”
It might make me crazy once and for all. I might lose my identity and become someone entirely different, but if it’s to protect my family, I’d do it again in a heartbeat.
My family.
My heart squeezes at that thought. Adrian and Jeremy are my family.
Believing that I had no relation to them for two months was the cruelest thing I could have gone through. I thought I was an imposter, that I was taking another woman’s husband and son when I had Adrian and Jeremy all along. Well, at least Jeremy.
Adrian is…another story.
The last time I saw him as Lia, I jumped off the cliff. My demons got the better of me and I didn’t think about Jeremy. I didn’t think about my life and the people I was leaving behind.
That’s what happens when your mind becomes your worst enemy. When its sole purpose is to destroy you from the inside out. It’s impossible to think past the demons’ whispers and the need to end it all. Past the thought that by ending it, I could make everything fine.
I was wrong, of course. So utterly wrong. And I would’ve made a huge mistake had it not been for Adrian.
He brought me back.
That thought causes my heart to thump wildly in my chest, slamming against my ribcage. Even when I chose to be Winter, my husband got me back and treated me as Lia.
He also refused to call me Winter, even when I begged him to. Even when I threw tantrums and demanded it.
Even when he could’ve easily made me into Winter.
And that touches a deep, dark corner of my soul. One that had no light, no hope, and no way out.
One that considered the cliff my last resort.
“You think you can go against me, Lia?” Luca steps closer until his chest nearly flattens against mine. His grip on my arm is unyielding, as if he plans to twist and break it.
“I don’t want to, but I will if I have to.”
“I thought we were friends.”
“I thought so, too, but I’m not friends with people who use me.”
“What about Adrian?”
My chest squeezes at the mention of his name. I think it’s impossible for me to be unaffected whenever it comes to my husband. “What about him?”
“I’ll tell him everything you did over the years.”
“I’ll talk to him. He’ll understand.”
“Adrian?” he scoffs. “You’re so delusional, Duchess. He’s the type who executes people if they have the mere thought of crossing him. Now, if he learns his wife has been spying on him, how do you think he’ll react?”
The thought of being the target of Adrian’s wrath makes me flat out shake. He’s really terrifying when angry and not only because he hurts me, but also because of his silent treatment. I’d rather he fuck me and punish me until I can’t move instead of giving me the cold shoulder.
As if I’m meaningless.
“He’ll forgive me if I explain,” I lie to Luca.
“Will he forgive this, though?”
Before I can make sense of his words, he smashes his lips to mine with a blinding force that leaves me momentarily stunned.
His lips, harsh and unpleasant, provoke a deep sense of disgust. All I can think about is Adrian’s kisses, the passion behind them and how they’re able to lift me yet mess me up.
I slam a hand on Luca’s chest and attempt to push him away, but he grabs it and continues kissing me. Even when I tighten my lips.
“So this is why you wanted to get out?”
My body goes still at that voice.
The same voice that exists in both my dreams and my nightmares. The deep voice with a slightly husky tenor that saves me from my mind most of the time.
Only, that doesn’t seem to be the case now. Judging from the frightening calm beneath his tone, he’s here to unleash his wrath.
The wrath that makes me tremble all over.
Luca pushes off me, forcing my hand to release him, and then he’s sprinting in the opposite direction.
Adrian quickens his pace after him, not sparing me a glance. He’s holding a gun, and although his grip seems effortless, his body is so rigid, he appears on the verge of breaking all hell loose.
If he goes after Luca in his state, I have no doubt that my ex-childhood friend will kill him. He won’t hesitate to put a bullet in him and finish his life. He’s been planning my husband’s assassination all this time, after all.
I grab Adrian’s hand, the one with the gun, but he pushes me back without looking at me. I don’t let him go, though, my nails digging into the sleeve of his jacket.
For the first time since he caught Luca kissing me, Adrian’s eyes meet mine.
I wish they hadn’t. They’re sharp, hard, and resemble the merciless sky overhead. When he speaks, the tenor of his voice is calm but harsh. “Let. Go.”
I shake my head frantically.
“Protect him all you like, Lia, but I’ll fucking murder him. Today or tomorrow or a decade from now. It will happen.”
“I’m not protecting him…” I choke on my tears. “I’m protecting you.”
My husband faces me and slams his free fist into the wall over my head, the hideous sound echoing in the small alleyway. His body magnifies, almost like it’s doubling in size, while his features sharpen. Being in Adrian’s company has always been an experience, but actually being the subject of his anger is no different than slamming into a volcano at the point of eruption. He might not burn me, but the threat is there, waiting, biding its time to swallow me whole.
“So now you’re protecting me? What’s next? Are you going to say you’re fucking him for my sake?”
I release a shaky breath, my hold tightening on his jacket sleeve. “I never have, Adrian. I lied.”
“He just had his tongue down your fucking throat. Which part of that is lying?”
“He didn’t have his tongue inside. If you weren’t so blinded by your anger, you would’ve seen that and the fact that he forced that kiss on me.”
“So now it’s my fault?”
“No…” I wrap both of my hands around his wrist, staring up at him, waiting, imploring the Adrian I think I’ve lost.
Turns out I haven’t.
Even as Winter, he came back to me. He treated me like I mattered.
He kissed me.
He sat down and smiled at me.
I want that Adrian, not the closed off monster he becomes when he’s enraged. Or worse, when he thinks I’ve cheated on him. He saw Luca kissing me, so my case isn’t looking so good, but I want to fight.
For him.
For us.
For the relationship we’ve never properly had.
“I remember… I know I’m not Winter and that I’m Lia. I know you must’ve kept an eye on me the entire time I thought I was homeless and that you eventually brought me home.”
Adrian studies me intently, his inquisitive gaze piercing through me, tearing me apart to reach the very marrow of my bones.
If I expected any joy or relief, I get nothing. A muscle works in his jaw and he pulls his fist back so that he can slam it against the wall again. I flinch, but it’s more out of worry at the thought of him hurting his knuckles.
“Apparently, the first thing you did upon remembering was to meet your lover.”
“No, no…” I hold onto his hand, needing the closeness. “I know how it looked from your perspective, but that wasn’t the case.”
“You obviously planned to meet him, Lia.”
“It’s because I saw Winter in the guest house and thought I had no place in your life. That’s why I wanted to leave.”
I realize how wrong my words are the moment they’re out.
“You wanted to leave,” Adrian repeats slowly, menacingly.
“I don’t want to anymore. I swear.”
He lets his hand fall from the wall just so he can grab me by the chin using two fingers. They’re rough, meant to punish and hurt, but the only thing I’m focused on is the blood marring his busted knuckles.
Before I can reach for them or try to soothe them, Adrian tilts my head back with a tight grip. “You might have forgotten a few things, so let me remind you, Lia. You are my wife. Fucking mine. That means you don’t protect another man in my damn presence. No matter how much you try to shield him, I’ll find the bastard and kill him. Then, I’ll keep my promise and fuck you in his blood.”
I see it then. The closing off. The simmering anger that will eventually cool into indifference.
That’s what happened before. He was so angry that he refused to touch me for fear he’d hurt me and then he drew away.
I was stupid enough to let it happen in the past. And by doing that, I ultimately hurt myself. I gave up all control to my demons and let them dictate my fate and my life.
That won’t be the case anymore.
Even if my insides are shriveling at the thought of being rejected, even if my mind is still swimming with a million gloomy scenarios, I know one thing for certain.
I need to keep Adrian.
I have to stop him from closing himself off to me.
And the only way to do that is to use the methods he did when he wanted me with him.
Before my nerves get the better of me, I lower myself on my knees.
This time, I’ll be the one who gives.
