I didn’t give enough thought to the marriage, I decide as I lie in my bed alone, in the dark.
For me, marriage has always been just a means to an end—a way to claim my independence. That outcome consumed me until all I could do was keep my eye on the prize.
What I didn’t consider was what the marriage entails.
I shouldn’t have talked about separate bedrooms, sex toys or Sebastian being discreet so blithely. On the other hand, I’ve never had any expectations about a perfect marriage—not for myself, anyway. I’ve never sighed over a wedding dress, or daydreamed about what it’d be like to have a loving spouse and family, because none of that felt attainable. After all, I grew up watching Mom and Roderick.
But something’s bugging me, and I can’t fall asleep. It’s like there’s a small lump underneath the mattress that I can’t get rid of.
Then I finally figure it out. Sebastian wants my body, even though he’s in love with another woman.
Gabriella Ricci. The woman even his own father says is exactly his type. Somebody I could never emulate.
I’ve been feeling guilty, but now something else is eating at me. A particular mélange of self-recrimination and shame that maybe I’m a horrific combination of Gwen and Mom—the body that Roderick couldn’t ignore, and the money he couldn’t give up.
It’s a relief to know that Sebastian won’t be cheating on me, but I hate it that the relief is there at all. Even though I’m legally his wife, I feel like the other woman.
I punch the pillow and turn, pulling sheets closer. This marriage will be a massive success if Sebastian doesn’t do anything to embarrass or humiliate me.
Even the scales.
His motto was simple eleven years ago, and I don’t think it’s changed since.
Well, it is what it is. Focus on the positive. I conjure up all the things he’s getting from this union. The company he loves. A brand-new market for Sebastian Jewelry.
And later, once I’m done expatriating everything out of Nesovia, I’ll give Sebastian whatever he wants, including a divorce if he wants to be free to be with Gabriella.
You always have to make sacrifices. Nobody gets everything they want.
I just wish it didn’t sound so self-serving in my head.
