I rushed to the bathroom, the sound of sirens in the distance getting closer by the second. My pulse pounded in my ears, drowning out all other sound as I crashed through the door, hands scrambling to turn on the rusted faucets, smearing them with blood.
“Come on,” I urged, as though by sheer force of will I could make the plumbing in our tiny trailer cooperate just this once. “Come on!”
My entire body trembled as the first flickers of red and blue lights swept into the trailer.
No.
If I could just get it off, they wouldn’t know. I just had to get it off.
I scrubbed at my hands until they were raw, ripping the tips of my nails off when I couldn’t get the blood out from beneath them and prodding them down the drain.
Fists pounded on the front door. If they hit it any harder it would collapse and they would come inside. They would find me. They would see what I’d done.
Hot tears pricked at my eyes as I shut off the faucet, ready to strip the crimson-soaked t-shirt off next, but not knowing where I could possibly hide it in the closet-sized bathroom.
The pounding began again, and I heard a muffled groan from next to the bathroom that could only be Mom waking up.
“Get fucked!” she slurred in a drugged stupor, groaning. Something shattered in the room as the mattress springs groaned beneath her. “Now look what you made me do!”
I turned off the taps and whirled, vision blurring at the edges enough that I had to slap myself back into the present. But something sticky and wet was left behind on my cheek, and I knew what would come next. I knew because it was what happened every time. A hopelessness filled my bones, weighing them down, and I sank heavily to my knees.
My hands were coated in his blood again, and I let them rest against my dirt-streaked jeans, giving in to the nightmare. I couldn’t beat it; I’d tried so many times before. It didn’t matter if I washed it away again, it would come back as if I never even fucking tried.
I clenched my shaking hands to fists and set my jaw, waiting for the officers to come and take me away like they always did. But I wasn’t shaking because I felt guilty. My breaths weren’t coming short and sharp because I regretted what I’d done.
No.
It’d been a rush unlike anything I’d ever felt before, and I wasn’t sorry. As the darkness had finally taken over, pouring strength into my adrenaline-addled muscles and malice into my mind, I’d smiled. The bastard deserved it.
I’d do it again. And again.
I only feared what kind of monster that made me. I only feared a life in a cage.
I awoke with a startled gasp, my chest covered in icy sweat as I heaved to get air into my lungs. No matter how deeply I breathed, it was like there would never be enough air to blow away the shadows clinging to my bones.
“Fuck,” I muttered, throwing back the covers and rising on shaky legs to strip the bed, tossing the damp sheets and pillowcases into the wash basket. The more I moved, the more the fluttering beneath my ribcage came under control. But only once I pulled on a pair of joggers and a loose hoodie, sliding my sneakers onto my sleep-numbed feet and my earbuds into my ears did I truly feel a sense of calm.
I hesitated before grabbing my blade, hand trembling before I came to my senses and snatched it up, tucking it into my pocket and keeping my fist curled around it.
It didn’t matter that it was barely dawn, or that it was cold as all hell as I crept through the room, down the still-vacant halls, and out into the early morning.
My breaths came easier as fresh air finally filled my lungs. I did a quick stretch before taking off toward the back of the old building, thumbing my phone until the haunting tones of Ruelle poured into my ears, singing to me of a game of survival.
A game I would win because I couldn’t afford to lose.
I sang along, setting a brisk pace, relieved when I found a trailhead beyond the manicured field and gardens at the rear of Briar Hall. The trees welcomed me into their shaded embrace, and I breathed in the heady scent of petrichor, finding a sense of calm I hadn’t had in days.
Had it really only been that?
Days?
Since Dad…
Since what happened.
I shook my head, savoring the burn starting up in my legs. The wind tugging at the ends of my loose ponytail.
What was done was done, and now, because of my father’s incredible stupidity, I might just have a chance to do what he couldn’t: escape the life I was born into.
Since Mom left a few years back, Aunt Humphrey was now the only person standing between me and the streets. After it happened, I thought I was fucked. Being eighteen meant that I was completely on my own. I’d have made do. Dropped out of my shitty high school and worked as many jobs as I needed to in order to keep a roof over my head.
Hell, I had already been paying most of the rent for Dad anyway. But then she showed up in her fancy town car with her ridiculous hat and an offer of a lifetime.
Aunt Humphrey and Dad didn’t get along. I could see why, the woman was completely insufferable, and Dad was…well, Dad. About as much her opposite as opposites went.
She offered to take me off his hands when I was practically still in diapers so that he could spend the formula money on gambling. A proposition I bet my left kidney he considered well and good before turning down.
It almost felt like a betrayal taking her up on her offer now, knowing he’d refused her before.
It was too tempting to turn down, though. Only an idiot would.
She offered a comfortable allowance, to pay for my education, and buy me a small flat in the city, but it came with a caveat; I was to spend my final year of high school at Briar Hall, stay out of trouble, and get accepted into a good college by the end of the term.
If I could do that, she would set me up for a whole new life. The escape I’d always dreamed of back in Lennox was within my reach. All I needed to do was follow a few rules and be a good little Ava Jade, and I could have it.
I snorted through heavy breaths as I ran, giving my head a shake. As long as the privileged offspring of the wealthy and famous here at rich bitch academy stayed out of my way, it would be easy as pie. I could act the part of a nice girl and keep my head down for another nine-ish months, right?
Damn right.
A crack in the distance made me slow, tugging out an earbud to scan the trees, my free hand in my pocket, curled around the slender metal of my blade. I thought I saw a flicker of movement, but I couldn’t be sure it wasn’t just a trick of the slow-growing dawn light.
Shit. I needed to be getting back anyway. With one more good look, I decided there was nothing there and turned around. My skin prickled as phantom eyes followed me all the way back to the manicured lawn.
