Two years ago
Alow rumble of thunder comes from outside as a steady rain begins to fall from the night sky. I roll over in bed, looking out the window as droplets pelt against the panes of glass. A soft glow from my TV screen illuminates the room and the quiet sound of classical music sounds from the speakers.
It’s well after midnight and my brother, August, still isn’t back from the going-away party that was being thrown for him and his friends tonight. I was invited, but my parents were smart enough to keep me home. They know how those parties get, with a bunch of newly graduated high school jocks.
A part of me didn’t want to go, anyway. I knew that he would be there and she would be there with him.
Logan Knight.
My brother’s best friend.
August and I were only born two years and five months apart. Growing up, I idolized him and put him on a pedestal. Even though we were close in age, he was still my big brother and I looked up to him. The popular kid in school, the star hockey player. And because we were so close in age, his friends took me under their wings, treating me like their little sister too.
Everyone except Logan.
In front of everyone, he kept me at arm’s length and acted like I was his little sister. When no one was looking, he would sneak into my room and hold me in his arms until the sun rose. He whispered his secrets into my soul and marked my skin with his lips. His light caresses and featherlike kisses were only for me to know about.
I was his dirty little secret.
At least, that’s how it felt. Even though we never went any further than kissing, I was still his damn secret.
And now, this time tomorrow, Logan and my brother will be off to a summerlong hockey camp before starting college. I’ve seen both of them almost every single day of my life. I don’t know when I would see them again. Maybe Christmas break? Either way… instead of spending his last night with me, he was getting drunk with the hockey team and her.
Logan Knight was the second most popular kid in school. He wasn’t the star hockey player, like my brother, but he was August’s right-hand man. Even though he was moody and broody, he was the glue that held their team together. August was the sun, while Logan was the moon. He shone brighter than my brother, but only in the darkness.
I continue to stare out the window, listening to the sounds of the summer storm as it rolls in. The windowpanes are streaked with rain and lightning flashes in the distance. Tears prick the corners of my eyes and I blink rapidly against the burning sensation, willing them away. I can’t cry, I won’t cry.
A set of headlights shine from down the road, getting brighter as they move closer to the house. The light doesn’t quite reach my windows, but it shifts and lights up the side of the house as the car pulls into our driveway. I can hear the bass from the music playing and a smile forms on my lips, knowing that it’s August and that our parents will hear from the neighbors about this in the morning.
He always knows how to make a scene with his arrival and his presence is something that refuses to be ignored. The house already feels empty and lonely, knowing how quiet this summer will be without him and his friends taking over the house.
The music falls silent and I’m left with the sound of the storm outside and the music playing from my TV. The melody shifts into a slower tempo and my heart sinks as I hear a lone car door slamming shut. August comes into the house, but he’s quiet as he makes his way to his bedroom and doesn’t stop by mine to annoy me.
August quietly closes his bedroom door and I pull my covers closer to my chin. Logan was supposed to be with him, but he must have gone home with her. His girlfriend. I can’t be mad at him for it. He’s with her, not me.
I pull the comforter over my head and bury my face in the pillows as my teenage crush rips my heart to shreds. This is what I get for falling for someone who never felt the same way. All of the veiled glances and stolen kisses never meant a thing to him. I was just a distraction from the demands of Logan’s life and nothing more.
My bedroom door opens, but the soft sound is muffled out from the comforter. I sigh, turning my head sideways on my pillow. “Go away, August.” As much as I love my brother, I just want to be alone.
The door closes and just when I think that he left, I hear his light footsteps as he pads across my bedroom. The cold air from my bedroom touches the skin on my legs, sending a shiver through my body as the blankets are lifted up. He doesn’t pull the comforter away from my head as he climbs under the covers.
“August,” I groan, scrunching my face up as the smell of alcohol touches my nose. The mattress dips under his weight. “You smell like shit and I just want to be alone right now.”
The smell of his cologne overwhelms my senses and my breath catches in my throat when realization muddles my brain. My heart beats erratically in my chest. It’s not my brother. It’s Logan.
I don’t move, my body frozen in place as I hide under the comforter. Logan inches closer to me, his chest warm and solid as he presses it against my back. My skin prickles as his fingers trail along the sliver of my waist that is exposed from my tank top. He slides his soft palm along my flesh and wraps his arm around me.
“I missed you tonight,” he breathes into my hair. The smell of whiskey is heavy on his breath. “Why didn’t you come to the party at King’s house?”
Hayden King. Everyone knows him as King, although he’s more of a joker than anything. He’s another one of August’s best friends, but he isn’t quite like Logan. They’ve been best friends since they were kids, but Logan and August were always attached at the hip.
“Because my parents wouldn’t let me go.”
“Bullshit,” Logan chuckles, lightly tracing circles along my stomach. “Since when does Isla Whitley give a shit about what her parents say? Don’t play innocent like you’ve never snuck out before.”
I clench my jaw and swallow hard as I resist the urge to relax against him. My mind and my heart are at war and I’m caught in the middle of it all. “It wasn’t my scene tonight.”
“Well, all of the guys missed you.” He pauses as he rests his forehead against the back of my head. “You know that we’re all leaving tomorrow morning for camp.”
“Yeah, I know,” I grit out, my chest tightening at the painful reminder. His words hit a nerve and I instantly feel guilty for not going. They were all like family and I should have been there to say bye to everyone instead of letting my jealousy get to me. “Was Renee there?”
Logan falls silent for a moment, but his fingers don’t stop moving across my stomach. “Yeah, why?”
I shrug against him, mentally kicking myself for even bringing up her name. Jealousy is something that I’ve struggled so hard with. Logan isn’t mine—he never was mine. There’s no reason to be feeling the pinch in my heart.
“Tell me why, Isla.”
“I don’t know,” I mumble, shaking my head. “I figured you would have went home with her instead tonight.”
Logan pulls his hand away from my stomach and brushes my hair away from my face. “I don’t think she would have wanted to be anywhere near me tonight.”
“Why’s that?” I ask, my eyebrows pinching together as I roll onto my back. Logan shifts beside me, his midnight-colored hair hanging onto his forehead in tousled waves. The light from the TV illuminates through the white comforter and his blue eyes shine as he props his head on his hand and stares down at me.
His full lips curl, flashing his bright white teeth at me. “Because I broke up with her.”
My eyes travel across his symmetrical face, memorizing every inch that is already stored in my brain. His sharp eyebrows, his chiseled jawline. I move my gaze over his straight nose—with a small bump on the bridge of it from taking a puck to the face—before settling back on his ocean blue eyes. “Why the hell did you do that?”
As much as I hated the thought of Logan and Renee together, it was all out of envy. I never had anything against Renee. In all honesty, she may have been one of the nicest people I’ve ever met. She just had something that I wanted, but I could never actually hate her.
Logan shrugs, flattening his palm along the side of my face. “I don’t have time for a girlfriend right now. Especially one who is going to be on the other side of the country.” He pauses, chewing on his bottom lip as he cups the side of my face. “I need to focus on hockey more than anything.”
It feels like a punch to the gut, but I sigh at his brutal honesty. He has the same mindset as my brother—and while it might not be a bad thing, it still hurts. Nothing will ever come before hockey. That is his first love. Everything else just falls in line behind the stick and puck.
“You know that I’m going to miss you, right?”
“Yeah, right.” I roll my eyes, swallowing hard over the emotion growing thicker in my throat. His words have the ability to warm my soul, but I know that they’re just words. How could he possibly miss me? He won’t miss me in the way I wish he would.
“Isla,” he whispers, slowly stroking the side of my face as his eyes fall shut. “You just don’t get it, do you?”
“What’s to get?” I retort, attempting to hide the pain with a facade that’s colder than the ice that he skates on. “You’re leaving for college, Logan. You have so much ahead of you and you’re going to kill it playing college hockey.”
His eyes open, his bright blue irises staring directly into my eyes. “Yeah, I know, but that’s not even what I’m talking about.” He stops for a second, a wave of an unreadable emotion passing through his drunken eyes. “You are a constant in my life. And I hate the fact that I’m going to be leaving you. The fact that I won’t see you almost every single day. I won’t see you sitting in the stands, cheering me on at every game.”
“Logan.” I stop, pulling away from him slightly. I’ve already let my mind and my heart get so invested in a guy that wasn’t mine. A guy that simply viewed me as a little sister, regardless of all the times he snuck into my bed or held my hand when no one was looking. “I’ll always be a phone call away.”
He shakes his head, not accepting that. “That’s not the same. I’m going to miss you—this.”
“I know what this really is.” My voice is clipped and tears prick my eyes, threatening to spill at any given moment. “I’m your dirty little secret. You’ve always used me as a distraction and honestly, it feels pretty shitty thinking about how you’ve kept this hidden.”
“You think your brother would be okay with this? Your parents? Shit, Isla… you’re my best friend’s little sister. You have to know that no one else would understand or accept this.”
I narrow my eyes at him. “Since when do you give a shit about what anyone else thinks?”
“This is different,” he insists, reaching for me again. “August is like my brother. Your parents are like my second parents. All of you are my fucking family.”
“So, you think you could just play with my heart all of these years and it wouldn’t affect me?” My voice cracks and the tears begin to fall. I don’t even bother trying to stop them as they stream down the sides of my face. “That I wouldn’t want something more than just this?”
“I never wanted to hurt you, Isla. That’s exactly why I knew that we could never get involved.” He sighs, the smell of whiskey skating across my face. “I’m no good for you. And I swore to myself that I would never be the one to tarnish your shine.”
I face away from him, rolling toward the window. Staring outside, I watch as the rain steadily falls in tandem with the tears that fall from my face. It hurts—every last word that he speaks—but I know that it’s the truth and sometimes the truth is a hard pill to swallow.
What was I thinking? That he broke up with Renee and it meant we would be together? No. I’ve been living too much in my head, in this little fantasy world I created. And it was something that would never be our reality.
“Isla. Don’t cry, baby.” Logan’s voice is soft as he gently grabs my shoulder and rolls me onto my back. “This, between us, it was never just a distraction. I got greedy and wanted a taste of what we could have had if things would have been different.”
“That’s not even fair,” I whisper as he brushes the tears away from my face. “You know, I’ve had a crush on you for as long as I could remember. And you gave me little bits and pieces of yourself, even if it was just a secret. I took it to heart and read into it more than I should have. I thought you felt the same way about me.”
His hand falls still on the side of my face. “You think I don’t feel the same way?” His face contorts in pain and his eyes are glazed over as he stares down at me. “The way I feel about you is the reason why I can’t let this be anything.”
My eyebrows pinch together as my eyes search his. “That makes no sense. If you felt the same way about me, you would want to—”
Logan silences me as his mouth collides with mine. His lips are soft and gentle, moving slowly against mine. The way he feels is ingrained in my brain and my soul. He cups the sides of my face as he moves closer, his chest pressing against mine.
I want to fight against him, to tell him that I’m not done talking, but he succeeds in chasing the thoughts away. With one touch, one swipe of his tongue along the seam of my lips, I turn into a puddle of mush on the bed. His body is warm against mine and he tastes like whiskey as he invades my mouth. His tongue dances with mine and I instinctively wrap my arms around his shoulders.
I want to stay like this with him forever, but I know it will never last. He confirmed it with everything he said and I know that when I wake up in the morning, he’ll be gone. My only option now is to take what I can get from him—this one last time.
Logan kisses me deeply, and there’s nothing rushed in the way his lips move against mine. He breathes me in like I’m the oxygen his body needs to survive and I give him every last breath. He’s gentle and tender, stroking the sides of my face, like we have all the time in the world together. Like he’s savoring the moment and imprinting this memory in his brain for after he leaves.
I move my hands away from his neck, sliding them down his torso. Beneath my palms, I feel the ridges of his muscles from countless hours of working out. I’ve seen him without a shirt before and his body is something that rivals fitness models’. He’s not ripped, but he’s fit and it’s enough to make my mouth water.
My hands shake and my palms are damp as I slide my fingertips along the waistband of his sweatpants. Logan moans into my mouth, his tongue thrusting against mine before he pulls away. He lifts his head, staring down at me with his lips plump and red from kissing me.
“What are you doing?” Logan murmurs, his hand reaching down to grab mine. “Isla. Stop.”
“Why?” I retort, attempting to pull my hand from his. “Isn’t this what you really want? This is what Renee did, isn’t it?”
“Isla, what the fuck?” His voice is harsh and he wraps his fingers around my hand as he jerks it up to his chest. “Just fucking stop it. This isn’t what I want and stop worrying about Renee.”
His rejection is a straight blow to the chest and my ego. Embarrassment fills me, heat creeping up my neck as it spreads across my cheeks. I want the mattress to open up and swallow me whole. My heart crawls into my throat and I want to disappear from how desperate and pathetic I just acted.
“You don’t want me?”
Logan holds my hand to his chest and shifts his hips. I inhale sharply as I feel his erection press against my leg. “Of course I fucking do, but not like this.”
“What if this is what I want?”
A ghost of a smile plays on his lips and the sadness of it touches his eyes. “Trust me, baby, you don’t. You might think that you do right now, but I’m not going to take your innocence. Not like this.”
“Just go, Logan.” My voice is small and the pain is evident in my words. I appreciate his respect and consideration, but that doesn’t make it hurt less. “Please.”
“And miss out on spending the night with my most favorite person in the world?” His lips curl upward into a true smile as he shakes his head. “Nope. I don’t think so.”
Logan rolls onto his back, pulling me along with him. I settle along his side, resting my head on his chest as he slides his arm under my neck. He envelops me, his hand on my shoulder as he holds me close. We’re both silent, listening to the sounds of the rain falling outside and the classical music that plays from my TV.
“Logan?” I whisper his name, inhaling the scent of his cologne and the whiskey on his breath as he exhales softly. “Promise me that you won’t forget about me after you leave.”
“I could never forget you, even if I tried.”
I tilt my head a little, looking up at him. “That wasn’t a promise.”
Logan chuckles softly as he plants his warm lips against my forehead, warming my soul.
“I promise.”
