“Dylan?”
I’m not sure how Sawyer knew I’d be here, but it doesn’t matter.
I’m still not going to talk to her.
The headstone I’m currently staring at is a glaring reminder that I’m the worst friend in the world.
I hurt the people who care about me. Just like my father does.
It’s best I stay away from Sawyer, Jace, and everyone else I love. For good.
Not taking the hint, Sawyer kneels down next to me. “You haven’t been at school the last three days. I tried calling and texting, but you didn’t respond.”
Because I love you and I don’t want you to end up in a grave like Liam.
Clearing her throat, she tries a different tactic. “I talked to Cole and Oakley…they told me what happened. Well, Cole mostly. Oak only knew as much as I did.”
She reaches for my hand, but I pull it back.
“Dylan, what happened wasn’t your fault.”
“If you honestly believe that, then Cole must not have told you everything,” I whisper, drawing my knees to my chest.
“He did.” She gives me a small smile. “I threatened to slash the tires on his new car if he didn’t.”
Her fingertips caress the marble headstone. “I didn’t know Cole had a twin brother.”
I close my eyes. Had.
“Yeah, well, that’s because of me.”
Her face scrunches. “That’s no—”
“Stop.”
I don’t want her to defend what I did and tell me a bunch of shit to make me feel better.
I don’t deserve compassion.
Liam died because I hurt him. Nothing will ever change that.
“His favorite color was green,” I inform her. “He loved zombie movies and he was so smart he probably would have become a doctor or scientist.”
If only he had the chance.
Tears roll down my cheeks, but I make no move to wipe them away. “He was sweet and kind…even when others weren’t.” I look at her. “You know how after a person dies, their family and friends claim they lit up a room and were the best person they’d ever known?”
She nods.
“It’s bullshit. Most people don’t light up rooms and they most definitely aren’t inherently selfless and compassionate…not like Liam was.” I turn back to the headstone. “Liam didn’t just light up a room—he lit up the whole world…until I broke his heart.”
And now everything’s gray.
“That’s n—”
“Pineapple pizza was his favorite food. He hated ice cream because he loathed the cold. He loved having pancakes for breakfast…but only the first two out of the stack. Jace used to give him a hard time about it, but it always made sense to me. The other pancakes just aren’t as flu—”
“Dylan why—”
“Because it’s not about me.”
It’s about Liam. And if she wants me to talk, he’s who we’ll talk about.
“You can’t keep doing this to yourself.” Her head finds my shoulder. “It’s not fair to punish yourself because you didn’t return his feelings. You can’t help who you fall in love with.”
A jolt of agony slices through my chest. “I never knew he felt that way…we were friends.” I wipe my tears with the back of my sleeve. “I just keep thinking about how happy he must have been when I agreed to go to the dance with him…and then…”
He found out I was in love with his brother.
And killed himself.
Because he thought I was using him.
“According to Cole, Liam made Jace promise not to tell you until he was ready, so there’s no way you could have known.”
“Whether I knew or not doesn’t matter anymore. The end result is still the same.”
He’s gone…and he’s never coming back.
“It does matter.” Her voice softens. “I didn’t know Liam, but I do know you. You’re not the kind of person who would intentionally hurt or use someone.” She grips my hand. “What happened to Liam was a terrible tragedy. But take it from someone who’s been bullied and turned down by plenty of guys she’s had crushes on, Liam’s death isn’t your cross to bear.”
She tucks a strand of my hair behind my ear. “There was more going on with him.” Sadness etches her features. “Cole said Liam struggled with depression and was bullied at school for years.” Turning to the headstone, she gently runs her finger over the angel next to his name. “Liam didn’t want to go to counseling and his father didn’t press the issue. I’m not a psychiatrist, but I’m positive that played a big role in what happened.” Her voice drops to a whisper. “He needed help, but he didn’t get it.”
My insides twist. “I didn’t know that.”
I knew he was bullied, but Liam never acted like it bothered him that much.
Not around me at least.
It doesn’t alleviate the guilt I feel or my culpability in his death, but it puts some things into perspective.
“Some people hide it better than others.” She grabs me by the shoulders. “Look, if you won’t listen to me, listen to Liam.”
“How? He’s de—”
“Yes, but he still loved you. Which means he knew you were a good person.” Her brown eyes soften. “You are a good person.”
“You really think so?”
Because I sure as hell don’t feel like one anymore.
“I know so.” Smiling, she wraps me up in a hug. “Trust me, you will have no trouble getting through those pearly gates. And when you do, Liam’s gonna be waiting for you with his arms open wide.”
The weight in my chest feels a little lighter. God, I hope so.
I’d give anything to erase what happened.
A thought occurs to me as we break apart. “Bianca mentioned something about me and Tommy…it didn’t make sense to me then and to be honest, it still doesn’t.” I rub my hands on my jeans. I’m not sure whether Tommy intentionally lied to me about Liam’s death, or if it was a rumor he heard, but there’s been a weird feeling in my gut ever since.
“Is there any way you can ask Cole what Bianca meant? I would, but I don’t want to bother—”
“No one told you?”
“Told me what?”
Scowling, she stands. “I swear half the world’s problems would be solved if people would just learn to communicate—”
“Sawyer,” I cut in before she goes off on a tangent. “Tell me what you know.”
She nods. “Right. Okay…um…so…in a nutshell, Tommy set you up to take the fall for the shitty thing he did. At least that’s my interpretation of it.” She starts pacing back and forth. “From what I understand, Tommy brought Liam to the closet in the middle of the dance…because he wanted him to see you and Jace making out. And then when Liam ran back to the gym crying…he started picking on him in front of everyone.”
I bolt up. “What?”
That’s not a shitty thing to do, that’s an evil thing to do.
She winces. “It gets worse.”
My stomach coils. “How much worse?”
She stops pacing. “Evidently when Jace confronted Tommy about it a few days after Liam’s passing, Tommy told him you came up with a plan to use Liam to hurt Jace because he took Britney to the dance.”
Outrage roots me to the spot. “That lying motherfucker.”
I went with Liam to the dance because he was my friend, not to get back at Jace. And I certainly would never devise a plan to hurt either of them.
“Cole said Tommy was very convincing. Even he believed it…until recently.” Sawyer wrings her hands. “I imagine it was a difficult time for all of them. Grief can make it hard to see the forest through the trees.”
Don’t I know it.
“I guess that explains why Jace hates me so much.”
Being near me was the equivalent of ripping pieces of his heart out over and over again.
No wonder he looked so miserable after we…
It hurts to breathe again. “They all think I…” Helplessness jams in my throat. “I didn’t hurt Liam on purpose.”
“I know.”
“You do, but they don’t. And I have no idea how to prove it when they all believe Tommy’s story and I wasn’t here to defend myself.”
Her face perks up. “Who says you can’t do it now?”
“I have no idea how that’s possible after all this time.”
“I get what you’re saying, but…” I can see the proverbial wheels in her head turning. “Wait…Tommy doesn’t know you know the truth, right?”
Given he obviously lied to me about Liam’s death, I’m gonna go with no. “Nope. Not to my knowledge.”
She chews on her bottom lip. “And the last time you saw each other was at the marina when you ended things with him?”
I’m not sure what she’s getting at, but I trust her, so I’ll follow the bouncing balls. “Technically it was at the football game when Jace kicked his ass, but I don’t think he saw me—”
“That’s perfect.”
She starts pacing again.
“Uh…Sawyer. Would you mind filling me in here?”
She holds up a finger. “Give me a second.”
A moment later she stops pacing and sighs.
I’m not sure what to make of her expression when she looks at me.
“I’m not gonna lie to you. My idea is totally fucked up, gross…and all kinds of wrong, but it will give you tangible proof.”
The suspense is killing me. “I’m all ears. Tell me what I have to do.”
“Go to the hospital and seduce Tommy.”
Yup, it’s official. She’s lost her mind. “Say what now?”
“Tommy’s obsessed with you. I bet if you go there and work your magic…you can get him to confess and record it on your phone.”
I have no idea what kind of magic she’s referring to, but I’m willing to do anything at this point, so it’s worth a shot.
I grab my purse off the ground. “You really think it will be that easy?”
“Are you kidding?” She zips a finger up and down. “I’ve seen what you’re working with under that. Trust me, it will be a piece of cake.” She tugs on my arm. “We should go before visiting hours are over.”
“Wait.”
Bending down, I run my thumb across Liam’s name.
I’m so sorry I hurt you.
I turn to walk away, but a blue butterfly lands on my nose.
Sawyer smiles. “My nanna used to tell me butterflies appear when angels are near.”
Emotion clogs my throat as the butterfly flaps its wings and flutters over to Liam’s headstone.
Her nanna was right.
