“Oh my God.” Jack blinks, hands on his face as I regale him with the story of me and Tiller, our demise, and perhaps more importantly,1 what happened after it.
He sits back in his chair at the coffee shop we’re at. “I can’t believe it. What does it mean.”
“Nothing—” I shrug, petting Julian’s dog’s head mindlessly. I don’t know why I brought him with me, he just followed me out the door. “It’s Christian — it means nothing—”
“It’s Christian—” He gives me a look. “It means everything.”
I frown over at him and sigh a little.
“I’m sorry about Tiller though, Dais—” He takes a sip of his beer. “Are you alright?”
Am I alright? Yes is the short answer, but I don’t like saying that. Saying that I’m alright combined with the fact that the very night Tiller and I broke up I had sex with Christian from sundown til sun-up makes it sound like everything Tiller and I had meant nothing to me, and that’s fundamentally not true.
For a long while it was everything to me — it was literally all I had. And then my old life invaded our normal space like a parasite invades its host, and, I mean, the minute I moved back in here I knew.
I could feel it, like a shift in the tides, change coming whether I wanted it or not.2 You know how they say a lot of the time, the family of cancer patients are okay sooner rather than later? Because they grieve the person in the process? A slow-motion kind of losing a person. I’d been grieving us since that night. We both had been, I think.
Do I wish he’d defended me more? Yes. Do I feel a tiny bit bad about kissing Christian in front of him like that? Also yes, but I was raised by my brother, what do you expect?
I haven’t heard from him, before you ask. Nor do I expect to… I can’t imagine that him seeing me with Christian’s tongue down my throat would have propelled us into civil territory. Before Christian left the next morning he asked whether I thought Tiller might have used anything he saw when we were together against my brother, and I honestly never even thought that — it never even crossed my mind as a possibility. Tiller’s not like that. He’s not spiteful. Maybe he might be now, though.
“Well—” Jack gives me a look. “How was it?”
I look over and my eyes must turn to mush because Jack sits back in his chair.
“That good?”
All I can muster without bursting into flames on the spot is a small nod.
“Don’t be shy, Dais — spill!”
“We had sex outside,” I tell my greyhound. “Against his car?”
“The car?” Jack asks. “The driving lesson car? He still has it?”
I nod. I hope he never gets rid of it.
“Wow.” He nods, pleased. “Full circle. I love it.”
I roll my eyes at him as though I think he’s being stupid, but I’d be lying if I said I hadn’t thought it myself. I toss the dog3 a french fry.
“As good as you remember?”
“Better,” I say, solemnly.
His eyebrows flick up. “Better than Tiller?”
“Better than anyone.”
Jack swats his hand through the air. “That’s just the love talking.”
“I don’t love him!” I sigh, indignant.
Jack stares at me for a couple of seconds before he cracks up and I frown at him.
“I don’t—” I shake my head with my pants on fire. “I’ve been in a relationship with someone else for nearly a year—”
“So?” Jack butts in. “You can love two people at once — you know that.” He shrugs. “You’ve done it the last 365 days…”
I stare over at Jack and the rims of my eyes feel heavy.
“I can’t love him again,” I tell him quietly.
He leans across the table and takes my hand. “Well, therein lies the problem, Dais — you never stopped.”
I drop my head back, and stare at the ceiling.
“You just put it away—” Jack tells me. “Pretended like you didn’t, but you know what happens when you love someone how you love him — when you don’t get over them or past them, it’s like, he’s a compressed little coil under your foot, but take the pressure off, it just springs right back to size.”
My shoulders slump and I sigh, feeling hopeless. I hate how loving him makes me go.
“And the coil might even grow back thicker than before—”
I shake my head at him. “Well, now you’re just mixing metaphors and I hate it—”
“Don’t lash out at me and my metaphors because you’re stuck in love,” Jack says, looking down his nose at me as he throws back his beer. “Besides, things might be different now—” He adds with a shrug. “He loved you in the end, didn’t he?”
I go to answer and then I see him breeze through the cafe doors.
Always late, that Romeo Bambrilla.
“Shh—” I shoot Jack a look. “I don’t want Rome to know.”
Jack gives me a quick nod of solidarity.
“Hey—” Romeo drums his hands on Jack’s shoulders, kissing him on the top of his head. He leans over the table to kiss me dangerously close to the edge of my mouth but he’s always like this.
He sits opposite me, puts his feet in my lap. I push them off and he puts them straight back up, grinning over at me.
I roll my eyes at him.
“Don’t want Rome to know what?” Rome asks, eyebrows up. Jack chuckles as I frown in protest and go to say something but he cuts me off. “I learnt your lips a long time ago, Face—”
He flicks me a look like he’s impressed with himself then nods his chin over at me. “Tell me.”
I purse my mouth. “I broke up with Tiller.”
He nods, smiling like he’s proud of me.
“I heard you held him at gunpoint?” I grimace a little and Romeo gives me a tiny wink. “My girl.”
“And…” Jack says, annoyingly.
“And.” I give him a glare. “I slept with Christian.”
Romeo’s face pulls ever so slightly, if I hadn’t spent every day of my youth gazing at it I’d likely have missed it, but I didn’t miss it, I catch it. A flicker of hurt.
“But!” I add quickly.4 “You wouldn’t care about that, because you’re fucking Tavi!” I remind him merrily.5
His jaw goes tight and he licks his bottom lip.
“Dating,” he clarifies, just to hurt me back and it works.
It’ll always work. I can be not in love with Romeo anymore and still love him. I can be past him, and still find it completely unnatural to think of him dating anyone else besides me.
He’s just a bit of a trick knee for me. Always will be.
“Dating.” I eye him down with a nod. “Old habits, hmm?”
He flicks his eyes, annoyed. “You’re one to talk—”
I scoff, annoyed. “I never ch—”
“I slept with Taj Owen,” Jack interrupts, trying to stop us before we really get going.
“What?” I blink over at him. I shake my head, processing. “What happened to Gus?”
Jack covers his face, a bit stressed. “He broke up with me.”
Rome frowns. “Why?”
“Because I slept with Taj Owen,” Jack says into his hands.
Rome and I stare over at each other.
Taj went to school with us — Jack’s first love, though it was fairly unrequited. Taj really led him on. He likes boys and girls see? And he plays both of them like fiddles.
To Jack, he’s the one who got away.
To me, he’s the one I’d drop a piano on, any time, any place.
I reach over and touch Jack’s wrist. “How did Gus find out?”
“Um—” Jack flicks me a quick look before staring at his thumbs. “He saw us.”
“Oh.” I nod, wide eyed at the same time Rome sighs.
“Shit.”
“Yeah.” Jack nods. “I forgot I gave Gus a key. He never used it before—” He tells us, shaking his head. “He’s so measured and calm. Sometimes that’s boring, right—”
“Sure?” I say, but I’m not really sure because Gus is great and Taj is a cyclone.
“So Gus just came over?” Rome asks. “And you were—”
Jack nods. “Yep.”
I grimace. “Was Gus angry?”
Jack’s face shifts, it goes from pinched and stressed to a kind of sorry you don’t want to see people you love sporting.
Romeo’s face pulls, eyebrows lifting into a grimace. “Don’t say he was disappointed…”
“And hurt.” Jack nods, ashamed of himself. “He didn’t yell, didn’t cause a scene. He stared at us for a few seconds. Said ‘okay, then,’ left my key on the coffee table and—”
“Where were you?” Rome interjects.
“His apartment.” I growl. “Pay attention.”
“Where in the apartment?” Romeo gives me a look.
“Oh, uh—” Jack thinks for a second. “The couch.”
Romeo nods, appreciatively. “That’s a good couch for sex.”
Jack tosses him a weird look. “Thanks?”
Rome gives me a covert wink no one else was supposed to catch but Jack does, and he points dramatically between us.
“No!” He shakes his head. “No, no!”
Rome shrugs, laughing and I shake my head, annoyed at him but also a tiny bit of me thinks he’s funny.
“It’s already been done, mate.” My ex-boyfriend beams. “Cracker of a sex couch.”
“All things considered, Rome, it sounds like he’s aware.” I give him a curt smile and Jack gives the two of us a despondent look.
“And Taj is, by the way, still based in New York, and I’ve since found out is dating—”
“Iona Evans.”6 Rome interjects.
Jack stares at him for a second. “How did you know?”
“Oh.” Rome shrugs uncomfortably and I know where this is going. “We, like — you know—”
I roll my eyes out of habit.
He throws his arm at me, exasperated. “You were fucking a police officer!”
And I silence him with a point of my finger and a sharp look, nodding my head towards Jack, who’s just staring at his empty glass.
“Jacky—” I reach over and squeeze his hand. Are you sad because you miss Gus or because Taj is Taj?”
He looks at me, barely. “Both.”
Rome smacks Jack on the back, affectionately. “It’ll come good in the end, Jacko.”
“He’s right.” I squeeze Jack’s hand. “We’ll drag you to good ourselves, if I have to.”
Daisy
2:46pm
2:46pm
Baby
Christian.
Hey
Hi
I had fun the other night
I bet …
You didn’t?
I did.
Good.
Can I see you again?
In what capacity?
Any.
All.
Haha
Okay…
When?
Whenever.
Actually whenever?
I’m housebound, remember?
I’m just here.
I’m on my way.
1 Not more importantly, but sort of more importantly. Do you know what I mean?
2 And I didn’t want it. Even if sometimes I did.
3 I refuse to call him LJ. I also don’t know why he’s here. He just followed me out the door and into the car.
4 A bit because I don’t want to start something, and as well a bit because I hate to hurt him ever at all and somehow reminding him he’s with Tavi makes it seem less bad. Not that it’s bad, I’m not saying it’s bad. Just, if it was— you know? Never mind.
5 But not really merrily.
6 Rush Evans’ little model sister.
