Thought about how to do it for the next few days.
It was a hard one to puzzle out, a bit because I don’t want to do it and also because there are some logistics to it all. I want to make it count, for her — if I’m giving her up, I want it to count. And then for me, I need it to be a little announcement to those eyes Roisin has on me, that me and Parks are done.
So I take her to dinner.
Maison Francois in St James. Booked out an entire section. Brought the whole fucking cavalry, just in case.
Had most of them meet us there so she didn’t feel uneasy. Maybe I shouldn’t have done that. Maybe I should have had her feeling uneasy all this time, maybe she’d have left by herself then instead of it being like it is now. Me in love and fucking shooing her off back to someone who’s safer and honestly fuck him for that.
We get in and I sit her down, order one of everything.
She looks at me in this cute, little baffled way.
“What?” I shrug.
Chin in her hand, she smiles over at me. “I like French food.”
“I know.” I nod, take a thousand pictures in my mind because this is the last time I’ll take her for dinner.
The last time she’ll reach over and try my drink and her face will scrunch up because she doesn’t like new things.
“How’s your mum doing?”
She shrugs. “Bridget says she’s got a new Boyfriend of the Month.”
I nod.
She purses her mouth. “The Mirror isn’t saying very nice things about her—”
“Yeah, but The Mirror’s shit.”
She nods. Looks sad about it so I try to change the subject.
“Talked to BJ?” I ask and her face falters. I cock an eyebrow. “You trying to tell me you haven’t spoken to him?”
“Why are you asking?” She folds her hands in front of her.
Because I’m just making sure you’re going to be okay.
“Can I not?” is what I say instead with a shrug.
She breathes out her nose. “We’ve spoken no more than normal.”
“So constantly, then?” I sniff and she gives me a little glare.
“I liked your friends the other day,” she tells me, as she reaches over to my plate and pokes an anchovy.
She scrunches her face up.
“Yeah?” I flash her a smile, like it doesn’t kill me to hear.
There’s not much I wouldn’t give to just have her next to me in it all, anything, really. Just not her life, and I’m pretty sure that’s the going rate.
“They liked you too, Tiges,” I tell her, but she already knows because she’s nodding away.
“I assumed as much.”
I roll my eyes.
Going to miss rolling my eyes at her.
After dinner, we’re about to get in the car and head to one of Jo’s clubs, but I don’t feel like it yet. I’m not ready.
I nod my head away from the car. “You wanna take a walk?”
“A walk?” She’s confused by that.
“A walk, you know—” I poke her legs. “With these things. They move.”
She frowns at me like I’m inconveniencing her.
“Come on—” I nod my head in the direction of Green Park. “Humour me.”
She groans as I take her hand in mine, but she holds it tight and I memorise how it feels to have her gripping me the way she is.
We walk for a bit. I don’t say much and she says a lot. She doesn’t do quiet that well. I kind of like it, how she fills spaces and silence with pop culture and fashion shit, talking about the inner politics of it like New Bond Street and Fifth Avenue are countries these people rule.
And it occurs to me that my sister was onto something. That normal life she goes on about. How good it feels to pretend there aren’t six men surrounding us as we take a stroll in the park, how good it feels to be talked to about things that don’t involve bloodshed and theft and revenge and it feels for a second like someone has driven a knife down through the middle of me.
I want both. I want normal, I want power.
I love what I do. I love her.
I’ve never had a question about it til now, never felt like the cost might be too high to do this shit and now — really, no matter which way I slice it, the cost is her.
When we arrive at Jonah’s club, I pull her up the stairs, kiss her stupid heavy on the way.
Up against the wall, one hand in her hair, the other on her waist, all of me pressed against her. I kiss her like that til I hear her lose her breath and then I pocket the sound so I can think of it when I miss her later on.
“Come on—” I nod my head towards the bar.
Ballentine’s standing there the way I knew he would be.
Told Jonah to bring him out tonight.
“Why?” he asked.
I didn’t tell him why. I don’t answer to him.
“Just do it,” I told him, so he did.
He stares over at her as we walk towards him.
His eyes go big and he swallows — and fuck him. I mean, I get it. Same page. But fuck him because he’ll have it forever and I’ll have her to myself for about twenty more seconds and let’s be honest, I’ve never had her to myself for a minute, not even when I have.
She mouths to him hi — thinks I don’t see it but I see everything. I don’t miss a trick when it comes to her.
I’ll try to use how her mouth goes when she sees him as fuel for what I’m about to do; try to hate her a bit for loving him a lot but I can’t. I won’t ever hate her. Even if I resent her a bit. She undid me.
“Oi.” I nod my chin at Ballentine. “I’ve got some shit to do — can you grab her a drink?”
Magnolia looks over at me, confused. I stare over at her, try to look as indifferent as I can.
BJ shrugs, nods his head towards the bar and she follows him.
“What was that?” Jonah asks as we walk away.
I shrug. “Just needed some space — she’s doing my head in.”
Something flickers over his face. Doesn’t understand what’s changed.
We go to his office, do some lines. I do more than I need to because Magnolia hates it and I want to fuck her off. No, I don’t, but you know what I mean.
Then there’s a knock at the door.
“Yeah?” Jo calls, and it opens.
Two ridiculously hot girls peer around his door.
“Cleo. Alexis.” Jonah sits up. “Hey.”
He waves them in. Gestures to the cocaine on his table.
They do a bump, and the one with the brown hair is pretty. She’s got eyes that feel like she’s down for whatever.
I don’t need her to do whatever, just need her to do me.
She tucks her chin but flicks up her eyes. Her short hair falls over her face and I convince myself for the 50th time in the last twenty-four hours that this is the right thing to do.
“What’s your name again?” I ask her.
“Cleo. Harrington.”
I offer her my hand. “Hi Cleo Harrington, I’m Julian Haites.”
She stares at my hand for a few seconds. “Aren’t you with Magnolia Parks?” She shakes it anyway.
I don’t flinch when she says her name but I might swallow heavy. Still I don’t look away from her as I say, “Do you see her here?”
Cleo shakes her head.
Tilt my head at her. “I see you here, though.”
A smile twitches over her face.
That Alexis Blau girl, she’s sitting on Jonah’s desk, eye-fucking the shit out of him, so I catch Cleo’s eye and nod my head towards the door.
Take her hand and pull her out into the hallway, bang her up against a wall and kiss her like I mean it.
I hear Kekoa sigh and move away.
I ignore him. We move fast and I hate it.
Try to focus on the parts of a woman’s body I like no matter who I’m touching.
Boobs. Magnolia’s are pretty small. I like necks and shoulders. Kissing girls in the space between their jaw and the ear drives them all mad and the second I do it to Cleo, she’s got both hands in my hair, hands under my shirt, grabbing at my chest.
I boost her up around my waist. She goes for the buttons.
I feel sick.
I’m not fucked up enough to want to do this — I don’t want to. But I just need Magnolia to be cut loose, I need people to see me hooking up with someone else, see us ending in an obvious and indisputable way.
I close my eyes. Think of Magnolia. That makes it a bit better, it doesn’t feel the same and this girl’s more sexually aggressive, so I know it’s all in my head. Power through anyway.
We’re well in the throes when I hear a little laugh come from a couple of metres away.
I look over at Magnolia standing there, mouth open, eyes big. She looks sad. That feels gratifying in some way but only quickly and for a second.
For the most part, I just want to die.
Thoughts start flying at me — did I make a mistake? Should I have done this? Can I take it back? Will she ever forgive me? What am I going to do without her? — and then BJ grabs me by the shoulders and slams me into a wall.
Cleo tumbles off my waist but lands on her feet.
I stare over at Magnolia, looking her in the eye as I zip the fly of my pants. I lick my bottom lip.
“What the fuck?” Magnolia asks.
I shove BJ but he shoves me back.
“Yeah, what the fuck—” BJ asks and I turn to look at him, chin down, eyes up.
I roll my eyes at him. “Stay out of this.”
“What the fuck are you doing—” He gestures to Magnolia.
I shake my head at him. “Don’t see how that’s any of your fucking business.”
His jaw juts. “She’s always my business.”
“Do you want to go, mate?” I push him.
He nods once. “Yep.”
I give him a half a smile. “I’ve wanted to do this the last three months—”
Then I crack my fist into his jaw and he doubles over.
It’s just for a second because BJ punches me back.
“BJ — stop!” Magnolia yells, rushing towards us at the same time as my boys do.
I’m bent over for a couple seconds before I straighten up, wipe my bloody mouth with the back of my hand and sniff a laugh.
I can see in my peripheral vision that Magnolia is scared.
Wish I could tell her it’ll all be over soon but I can’t, she’s not mine anymore, not mine to make feel better. That’s official now.
I spit some blood out on the floor and then catch Koa’s eyes and point over at Parks. He comes and grabs her from behind, pulling her away, and she’s bucking in his arms. Sick rolls through me, watching her crying how she is, someone dragging her away — like I’ll ever let anyone harm her in this lifetime. She doesn’t know that though, and she looks scared. So does Ballentine as he goes to lunge for her, ducking one of my swings. “Don’t fucking touch h—” he starts but then I uppercut him and he falls backwards.
“Julian—!” she screams as BJ tackles me to the floor.
He’s a good fighter, by the way. Better than I would have thought.
I thought I was probably going to have to go easy on him but fending him off isn’t nothing. He doesn’t give a shit if he takes a hit if it means he’ll gets a good one in, and he’ll break a bone to get one.
I can’t look at Magnolia swinging around in Kekoa’s arms trying to get away from him, like he’d hurt her — it’s funny how quickly trust can break. Just took a second of her seeing me fuck someone else to undercut all the ways I used to make her feel safe. Trying to get away from Koa or trying to get to BJ? I can’t tell. Neither is good, but one of them might kill me. I decide it’s the latter and it’s a kick in the chest, everything about them is and it makes me angry so I hit him hard for it.
She’s crying now — screaming for Henry, for Jonah, for Christian— and then Jo comes barrelling out of his office, shirt half on his body around the same time Christian appears somewhere from inside the club.
Jonah shoves Kekoa — hard. Ballsy. Something comforting in it though, seeing him defend her like that. He plucks Magnolia from Kekoa’s arms and gives him a warning look before he tosses her into Christian’s arms and dives between Ballentine and I.
He pulls us apart and I stand there — chest heaving, glaring over at BJ, pointing.
“You better get him the fuck out of here—”
Jonah shoves BJ down the hallway, past Magnolia, and their eyes catch. Tells her without telling her that he did it all for her, but fuck him — because same. And then Jonah shoves him away and it’s just me and her and Christian in a hallway.
“What are you doing?” she yells at me from a few metres away, so I cross the distance and get up right in her face.
“How many times do I have to tell you?” Christian’s grip on her shifts and tightens. He’s not happy with me. Actually, he’s looking at me like he might punch me himself. “We’re not fucking dating! We’ve only ever been fucking.”
She lets out a little choked cry and it’s enough to knock the wind out of me. I’ll take a punch any day.
I wave my hand in her direction, looking away from her.
“Take her home,” I say, turning away. Christian hooks an arm around her and leads her away.
“Come on.”
As soon as they’re gone I lock myself in Jonah’s office.
Punch a mirror, tip a bookcase over, scream into my hands because I miss her and I already don’t want this.
But it’s done now. She’s safe.
I stare at my bloody hands, trembling again. Find Jonah’s coke. Do too much. Then I walk back out to find that girl.
