Twenty minutes later, Finn stood on the doorstep with Seamus at his side. Gulliver answered the door and barred my way as if he worried that I might run away. Where was I supposed to run to anyway, especially with Finn?
“Hey, Finn,” I said with a smile. He waved goodbye at Seamus before he came in. Gulliver patted his head briefly. Finn grabbed my hand and gave me a questioning look. I understood his confusion. I’d brought him to New York and now we were returning to Dublin. I wasn’t sure how much Seamus had told him.
“Go ahead,” Gulliver said in a clipped tone. “Seamus and I have things to discuss.”
I nodded, not in the mood for an argument. I was about to turn when Seamus said, “The ring. You won’t need it anymore.”
With a swallow I took my wedding ring off and handed it to Seamus. Then I pulled Finn into my room. “Do you want to eat something?”
“Maeve ordered pizza for us.”
I smiled then sadness overwhelmed me. I wouldn’t even get the chance to say goodbye to Maeve.
“Lorcan said you and I will return to Dublin.”
I froze. “You saw Lorcan?”
“He came over to Maeve’s home to say goodbye.”
“Did he say why we had to leave?”
“He said it was complicated adult stuff I shouldn’t worry about.”
“He’s right.”
“Is it because of me?”
I hugged him. “No! Of course not. Lorcan really loved having you at his apartment. This is something between us.”
I was pretty sure that it was the truth. Lorcan liked Finn. I was surprised to see that tender side of him. That he took time to say goodbye to Finn despite his fury with me showed it too.
“That’s what he said.”
I stroked Finn’s hair. “Mum will be happy to have us back.”
Finn nodded, then whispered. “I’ll miss Lorcan.”
I had a feeling I would to, even if it didn’t make sense. I shouldn’t miss a man like him.
When Finn and I landed in Dublin, I realized for the first time that maybe Lorcan had really let me go. My betrayal had been too much. I didn’t want to feel guilty. Had I really done something wrong by working with the police? Lorcan was a criminal. He belonged in jail, no doubt about that. Yet I couldn’t shake the feeling of being in the wrong. Maybe that happened when you lived among criminals for long enough—you forgot what was right and wrong. Everything was turned upside down.
Mum was waiting for us in the Dublin airport. My heart exploded with love. Mum had her faults, but she’d always been there for us. When Finn rushed toward her and she caught him in her arms, my eyes burned with unshed tears. I glared at a couple of people who gawked because of the spasms that slowed his movements. Pulling our luggage behind me, I joined them and hugged Mum tightly. I immediately began crying.
“You’re back!” she whispered, and I hugged them even tighter.
Mum’s arms came around us, and she let out a shuddering breath. When I pulled back, her eyes brimmed with tears and the remnants of fear. Finn took mine and Mum’s hand and tugged us out of the airport, toward Sean’s car. Mum preferred to pretend she didn’t know he was in love with her, but everyone else knew.
Finn and I got on the back seat, and Mum took the steering wheel. She was a bad driver. She didn’t have a car of her own and very little experience driving. I clung to Finn as she steered us through traffic. When we pulled up to Merchant’s Arch, I felt a strange sense of wistfulness. While this place still felt like home, it also felt different. Nothing had changed. Nothing but me. Maybe in a few weeks I’d feel like the Aislinn of the past. Maybe then Dublin would be the home I missed so much.
Mum returned the car keys to Sean while I carried Finn up the stairs. Climbing stairs was still something that gave him major trouble, especially the steep, uneven steps to our apartment. After his last fall, Mum and I usually carried him.
Finn and I had bought a few souvenirs of the Empire State Building and Statue of Liberty during our first tour of the city. We’d meant to send them to Mum but now we could give it to her personally. When we entered the apartment, Finn proudly presented our gifts to her. Then he put on the New York Giants jersey Lorcan had given him.
“Like a real basketball player,” she said, patting his head.
“Football,” Finn and I corrected.
“I thought the American don’t like football.”
“Not our football. Theirs. Our football is called soccer over there,” I said.
Mum shook her head and sank down at the kitchen table. Finn started the puzzle of the Statue of Liberty, though it was for Mum and way too difficult for a boy his age. He loved puzzles and would probably beg Mum or me to help him with this one-thousand-piece puzzle later.
Mum gripped my hand. “I was sure I wouldn’t see you again.”
I glanced at Finn, who was focused on the puzzle, before whispering, “I’m here. I’m sorry I didn’t bring Imogen with me.”
Mum let out a laugh. “I never thought you would. Imogen wanted a new life. We are part of her old one. She must let us go to become someone new.”
She sounded resigned but also as if she’d long come to terms with the fact. I wished I could accept Imogen turning away from us so easily.
“Did you talk to her?”
“Oh no. Gulliver told me that she found a rich man who’s taking her to the Caribbean on his yacht.”
She nodded as if it made sense to her. Mum didn’t know that Imogen had met him in Sodom. Few honest people went there, and a Russian billionaire on the hunt for a young woman probably wasn’t a nice guy either no matter what Lorcan said.
But what did that even mean? I was married to Lorcan, and he’d never hurt me, not really. A shiver raced down my spine as I remembered our last encounter. I couldn’t believe it was really our last.
“How are you?”
I blinked at Mum. “I’m …fine. I think. A lot has happened.”
Mum squeezed my hand. “I never wanted this for you. Five-leaf Clover, the Devaneys, and all they stand for.” She released a sigh. “Do you think Lorcan is really going to let you go? Allow you to divorce him?”
“That’s what he said. I’m here, so he doesn’t want me anymore.”
“It’s not like a Devaney to give up someone they want.”
“A Devaney gave you up.”
“Because I was pregnant with another man’s child. I knew that was the only way to get rid of him. Are you pregnant?”
“No,” I said with a quick laugh. I had a feeling Lorcan wouldn’t have let me leave New York alive if I’d cheated on him. To be honest, not once had I imagined being with another man since I first met Lorcan. His touch consumed me so entirely that there was no room for anyone else. “I’m not pregnant. Lorcan found out I worked with the police, that’s why he got rid of me.”
Mum froze. “Oh, Aislinn. That’s a big risk you took. I can’t believe he let you go despite your betrayal. He must really have feelings for you.”
I pursed my lips. “I doubt it.”
“Why else would he let you live?”
I’d asked myself the same question, but the thought that Lorcan and his twisted heart might really care about me made me feel even guiltier for working with the police, which I definitely shouldn’t. Right? “I don’t know,” I admitted. “I’m here now. That’s all that matters.”
Mum squeezed my hand. “I’m glad. But what are your plans now?”
Yes, what now? I still couldn’t imagine being with anyone but Lorcan. Maybe time would erase him from my memory, even if it seemed impossible.
“Do you think Sean is going to take me back? I need work.”
“I don’t know. You’re still a Devaney, Aislinn. You can’t just be a waitress. I doubt the Devaneys would like that. It could cause Sean a whole lot of trouble. I have enough money to get us through the next couple of months until you’re divorced and free to work as you please.”
“I could go to the Devaneys and ask for permission to work. Balor’s at the manor, but Aran is in the city. I could go talk to him.”
“You talk about them as if you know them. Do you? Really?”
“No.” I’d only met them once at the wedding. My time with Lorcan had been too short for another family reunion. And after my betrayal, which Lorcan had probably filled them in on by now, I would be crazy to go near any Devaney.
Finn spent the night in my bed, cuddled up to me. I couldn’t shake the feeling that he missed New York, especially Lorcan. Maybe because Lorcan had been the first father figure in his short life, and he’d been ripped away again.
I kissed his forehead, feeling a potent wave of guilt. I loved the feel of his small body beside mine, but I missed the familiar heat of Lorcan, his possessive touch, and the way he filled me with fire.
Just as Mum suspected Sean didn’t dare taking me back. He paid protection money to the Devaneys so having someone with that last name as a waitress was too big a risk.
Mum spent the day with Finn, though we couldn’t really afford her taking a whole day off work, but he’d missed her and money wasn’t everything.
I strolled toward Ha’penny Bridge and listened to its familiar rushing as I let my gaze wander over my hometown. I truly missed it but I also missed New York, my routine there, Maeve, Talulla, even grumpy Mrs. Byrne.
And Lorcan. I missed him. Maybe it was lust. Maybe my body twisted need into something more. Christmas songs played in a nearby pub as it was the beginning of December.
I closed my eyes, drew in a deep breath.
“I didn’t believe Amal when he told me you were back in town.”
My eyes peeled open and I turned my head toward the source of the voice. Patrick leaned against the railing only an arm’s length away. He glanced around nervously as if he expected someone to jump him any moment. I almost smiled at the idea.
I scanned him from head to toe. He was shorter than I remembered and way skinnier. His attempt at growing a beard was still pathetic. The spattering of acne along his forehead told me his current diet consisted of pizza, crisps and beer.
“You look good,” he said when I remained silent. “Different, but good.”
I hadn’t changed anything about my looks, but I felt different so it made sense it reflected on the outside.
I thought of asking Patrick about his sexual endeavors and confronting him with my own very entertaining sexual training with Lorcan, but now I realized Patrick didn’t mean anything to me. Not anymore. I wouldn’t waste my breath on him. He was a thing of the past. Lorcan had truly eradicated any thought of Patrick from my body at light speed.
“Thanks,” I said simply.
“Where’s your husband? I hear rumors that you and he broke up.”
The Irish community was a damn gossip pool. Had our breakup already made the rounds in the newsletter? This was ridiculous.
“We separated, that’s right. It happens.”
He rubbed the back of his head. “So, uhh, are you free tonight? I thought we could continue where we left off, unless your husband would be against it.”
My eyebrows rose. Did he really want to date me again? What was this? Some sort of male ego thing where he needed to reclaim me?
I shook my head. “Yes, I’m free, but I don’t want to continue where we left off. Nor do I want to go out with you for any other reason. It’s over. I don’t have feelings for you anymore.”
Patrick laughed as if he couldn’t quite believe it. Then he sobered. “Didn’t take you long to move on, eh? You probably spread your legs for Devaney after a few days.”
I nodded. “Our first night actually. He’s hard to resist.” The jab slipped out before I could stop it.
Patrick flushed beet red. Then he turned on his heel and stalked off. Mum had told me she’d seen him drunk a couple of times, getting it on with one of my friends from school whom I hadn’t seen since we graduated.
In the next few weeks, I tried to find a new job, but nobody would hire me. I had a feeling it wasn’t only the name. The Devaney clan had probably told the entire city that I was a pariah. Money was getting tighter by the day.
Being back in Dublin also complicated my search for Imogen immeasurably. Despite what Lorcan had told me, I couldn’t let things rest. I needed to know what really happened, and more than that, I needed to hear it from Imogen. I needed her to tell me that she didn’t want contact to us. Maybe then I could really accept it. I called the office handling the jetties several times, one time even pretending I was Irish police and investigating Imogen’s disappearance, but it didn’t change anything about their tight-lippedness. If they knew something, they had absolutely no intention of sharing it with me. If I were in Miami, I could ask owners of the other yachts if they knew the name of the yacht or its owner.
One evening exactly three weeks after my return to Dublin, I tried to call Lorcan. I wasn’t even sure why. What was there to say? I should be glad that he was willing to forget me.
I sat at the kitchen table that night, staring at the small plastic Christmas tree in our kitchen. It was my birthday.
Twenty.
I didn’t have plans to celebrate. Finn was asleep and Mum worked the night shift. The door opened and she stepped in, completely exhausted, hair all over the place. She worked even longer hours now that Finn and I were back, and I didn’t have any money to contribute. I felt horrible, but I tried everything I could.
She plopped down on the seat across from me and placed a chocolate muffin with a single candle down in front of me. “Happy birthday.”
Smiling, I blew it out. “Grab a knife. We’ll share it. I bet you hardly ate.”
Mum cut the muffin in half, and we ate in silence for a while.
The way she regarded me, though, and I knew something was up. “Lorcan is in town to celebrate Christmas with his family. I thought you should know.”
I swallowed hard. It stung that she knew about his arrival before me. We were still married. I had yet to be handed divorce papers. I didn’t know how long this stuff usually took but if a Devaney wanted to divorce you, I assumed it was a quick thing. Strangely enough I felt relieved about it. Why didn’t I want to be rid of a marriage I hadn’t even wanted in the first place?
Lorcan hadn’t visited his family in the last three years and chose to celebrate with his men in New York instead. Why was he back now, especially after our break-up? Would he seek me out? Maybe because it was my birthday.
I shouldn’t wish for it, but the idea that Lorcan might corner me in a dark alley and have his way with me set my body aflame. Maybe I could try to explain my reasons for working with the police again, though I doubted it would change his opinion.
“You’re not thinking about seeing him, right?”
“I can’t just walk to his family’s manor or the clan’s headquarters and ask for him, so no.”
“You should pray he stays away.”
“I know,” I said. “Have you heard from Gulliver again?”
“Not since you came back.”
“He promised to give us a call when he heard any news about Imogen. Surely her cruise must be over, right?”
“I never cruised the Caribbean so I wouldn’t know.”
We both laughed then sobered again. A cruise of the Caribbean definitely wasn’t in my near future.
“Do you think Gulliver’s angrier at me or you?”
Mum considered that. “You didn’t get pregnant out of wedlock, and you actually married a Devaney so definitely me.”
“Then I’ll give him a call.”
“Do that.” She rubbed her palm over her face.
“I’ll ask for a job in a few more restaurants.”
“Once Lorcan divorces you, things will get easier.”
I nodded, and again my mind drifted to my angry husband. Was he in Dublin right now? Or at his family’s manor in Kenmare?
