My arm had fallen asleep from the awkward angle of holding Imogen’s hand while resting my head on the mattress for an afternoon nap. Jet lag had definitely caught up with me. A knock sounded and I jerked upright. Maeve poked her head in, smiling hesitantly. Her gaze flitted to my sister and her eyes widened in shock that she quickly masked it. “Sorry.”
“Don’t worry. The first time I saw her, I was shocked too.”
“Is it okay if I come in?”
“Of course.”
Maeve stepped in and closed the door. In the four weeks that we hadn’t seen each other, her belly had grown, now making her look visibly pregnant. She held a plastic container in her hand. “Chocolate muffins with cream cheese filling. It’s one of the few things I can bake well.”
I smiled. “Thank you.”
I went over to the small couch under the window, and Maeve followed me. She opened the lid and immediately the sweet scent of chocolate wafted into my nose. Maeve handed me a muffin. I peeled back the paper wrap and took a big bite. The chocolate part was almost too sweet, but the cream cheese filling lacked sugar almost entirely, so it was a perfect combination.
“I’m glad you’re back, even if the reason for it is horrendous,” Maeve said quietly.
“I think I’m glad to be back too. Ireland will always be my home but a tiny piece of my heart is now rooted in New York.”
“Because of Lorcan?” Maeve asked, tilting her head and regarding me with a knowing smile.
“Things between us are still complicated. We have a lot to work through. What I did, what he did to make me marry him and that he kept Imogen’s appearance from me…” I shrugged. I glanced over at Imogen. “He’s stuck with me for as long as it takes for Imogen to wake.”
“I doubt he’ll let you go again.” She lowered her voice to a conspiratorial whisper. “From what Seamus told me, Lorcan missed you. I mean, he was angry, very angry, but marriage is very important to him because of what his parents taught him. That’s why he made sure you’re safe.”
“They had a good marriage?”
“They had been with each other almost all their lives and loved each other very much, yes. Maybe ask Lorcan about it. When he talks about his parents, you realize there’s more to him than being the leader of Five-Leaf Clover.”
“But he’s also a criminal.” A murderer, someone who tortured people with a chain for fun. While my time dangling from a chain had been mostly pleasant, I knew most people got a very different experience and didn’t live to tell.
“Yes, also that. Seamus is …” She brought her lips close to my ear. “Lorcan’s best contract killer, but he’s also the man I love. I accept that side of him because I love the other parts, and I pray for his soul every day.” Maeve reached into her purse. “Before I forget, Mrs. Byrne wanted me to give you this when I crossed her path this morning.” She handed me a box of chocolate truffles. “`For nerves of steel and because chocolate makes everything better,’ she said. And Talulla sends her well-wishes to your sister.”
I had to admit that I was touched by their consideration. Despite the short time I’d lived in New York, I’d been able to form friendships I really appreciated. In Dublin life had been so centered around Patrick, work, and household chores that I hadn’t allowed myself to maintain connections from school or build new ones. Maeve gave a resolute nod. “I’ll stop bothering you now.”
I took her hand. “If you don’t mind, stay with me for a little longer.”
Her smile brightened and she made herself comfortable. Maeve filled me in on the latest gossip floating around, even though I didn’t know half the people she mentioned.
Still, I was glad for her company. It kept my mind busy.
Lorcan came over to the hospital later that day. It wasn’t even five o’clock yet, and he usually worked much later so I was surprised. He closed the door, walked over to me and cupped my neck with his palm. I released a contended sigh. The small gesture felt like permission to let go of my fear and worries, of the weight of responsibility, as if he would carry it now.
“Any updates?” he asked though I knew he didn’t expect any.
I shook my head.
“Come on, then. Let’s go home.”
I squeezed Imogen’s hand. “I’ll be back tomorrow.” Then, I got up and took Lorcan’s outstretched hand. He led me out with confident strides, and I followed. The Five-Leaf Clover tattoo peeked out from under his shirt sleeve. I remembered Maeve’s words. Could I accept that part of Lorcan? Hadn’t I already? I shared a bed with him, and even allowed Finn to live under the same roof. Lorcan wasn’t a good man but he was loyal and held certain values many normal people had forgotten, like faithfulness. He’d been kind to Finn, even after I’d betrayed him.
“You’re quiet. That’s never a good thing,” Lorcan commented when we’d been driving in silence for a while.
“A lot going on in my mind. I’m wondering if there’s anything I need to buy before Finn arrives in two days.”
“Groceries so you can cook him a delicious stew or pie.”
I rolled my eyes. “And that’s completely altruistic of you.”
“I love every taste you create.”
He’d worded it in a way that held innuendo. I flushed with heat, and a pleased smile tugged at my lips.
After dinner—I’d made cottage pie, because cooking always relaxed me—Lorcan and I settled on the sofa. He turned on an Irish folk singer whose soft voice had an almost hypnotic effect on me. Lorcan wrapped an arm around me.
Despite my increasing drowsiness, I finally had the courage to ask, “Why did you take me back?” He’d insisted I lived here with him again and pretty much resumed our marriage as if nothing had happened.
Lorcan met my gaze. His dark green eyes still got me. There was an intensity in them that always made me shiver a little. “When I spoke the vows in church, I meant them. Some people say them as if they’re reciting lyrics they heard for the first time. Without really understanding the meaning.”
I hadn’t taken this marriage seriously because I never thought that Lorcan would. If I’d known what this bond meant for him, I probably would have thought twice before agreeing to help the police. Though, I hadn’t even been a great help to them considering Lorcan wasn’t very concerned about getting caught.
“I was desperate, you know. I didn’t think I could trust you, but despite that, I chose not to hide the bugs where they’d really hurt you.”
“I know.” Lorcan rubbed my shoulder lightly, and I almost purred. “Something good came of it though. We scared Desmond senseless and now he’s giving us the occasional tidbit of information about ongoing investigations. I doubt I would have ever risked torturing him if it hadn’t been for you.”
Desmond worked for Five-Leaf-Clover now? I didn’t even want to know what Lorcan had done to convince him. I nodded, deciding to change the direction of our conversation. “Maeve mentioned that your parents are your role models when it comes to marriage.”
Lorcan smiled sardonically. “What a good thing that you’re becoming best friends with my best friend’s wife so she can fill you in on everything.”
“She didn’t say much. She got me curious, though.”
“My parents were married for thirty-five years until my mother died of cancer. They had their ups and downs. My mother struggled with my father’s business activities, like you. But they fought for their marriage and eventually they were an inseparable unit. My father cared for my mother the last year of her sickness. That’s when he handed the business in Ireland over to my brother Balor. He was only fifty-four at the time. Much too young for a clan leader to retire.”
I had to admit I was surprised. It took a lot of patience, dedication and love to take care of a dying loved one. I wouldn’t have thought a Devaney was capable of that deep a level of connection. It seemed I had to work through my own misconceptions.
“And you want what they had?”
“Still have. My father still loves my mother. Despite many tasteless offers from women hungry for a powerful man, he hasn’t been with anyone since my mother died. And yes, that’s a bond I aim for.”
I swallowed. That was a lot to live up to. Not that a bond like that didn’t sound wonderful. “My mother’s views about love and marriage are far less romantic. Maybe that’s why I’m so jaded.”
Lorcan chuckled. “You based your pick of Patrick on your jaded views, I suppose. That’s why it’s good that I took the choice out of your hands and made you marry me.”
I huffed. Then, I became quiet, searching Lorcan’s face. “You really think we can be like that?”
“I’ll die before you, that’s a must,” he said with a smirk, but then he became very serious. He turned his upper body toward me and cupped my neck. “We won’t ever find out if we don’t try. I never wanted to risk trying because I was worried about failing, which is bullshit. You never get anywhere in life and love if you think that way. You made me want to risk failing.”
“I’m not sure I feel confident in us if you word it that way,” I muttered with a small laugh. But I had to admit, Lorcan’s words really made me want to try—and not fail. Was I crazy for striving for something I hadn’t even believed in prior to Lorcan, with someone like Lorcan? Maybe.
“But will you ever be able to forgive me for betraying you? I hated Patrick for cheating on me. I won’t ever be able to get over that.”
Lorcan’s expression tightened. “It’s not the same. If you had slept with another man, I could have never forgiven you. That would have been a breach of the most basic principle of marriage for me. What you did is still bad, still a form of betrayal, but I understand how it happened. You didn’t trust me, and my actions made it difficult for you to do so. You were desperate. I know it won’t happen again, because you’re now allowing yourself to trust me, not fully, but it’s a start. And I’ve started to forgive you for what you did. That doesn’t mean I’ll ever forget but it’ll eventually only be part of our story, of the hardships we had to overcome to build a strong foundation for our marriage.”
I swallowed hard. I wished Lorcan had talked to me like that a few months before. I wasn’t sure if I would have believed his words but maybe it had changed things. “I won’t betray you again. After the attack, I was approached by police in Dublin. They wanted to scare me, to win me over and promised me safety. I chased them away.”
Lorcan nodded. “I know. It was Balor’s way of testing you.”
My mouth fell open, and a hint of anger rushed through me at having been played like that, but then I decided I was glad.
“Fair enough,” I said with a sigh. “But in the future, we need to be honest with each other. Lies only lead to mistrust. I don’t want this. There’s so much going on right now, I want to be certain that you’re on my side.”
“I’m on your side. I think my actions prove it.”
“They do. And I’m on your side Lorcan, even if admitting it scares me.”
Lorcan
I picked up Finn from the airport. After Imogen’s heart flatlined this morning and it took two attempts to revive her, Aislinn didn’t want to leave her sister’s side. Part of me thought it was better if Imogen died. I was a cruel bastard and death was part of life, but mainly I was concerned for Aislinn. Her whole life circled around her sister and the hospital now. It wasn’t healthy and there was no end in sight. Maybe Finn’s arrival would slowly lead to a change.
Another one of my men had accompanied Finn this time because Aislinn’s mother needed a new passport so she had to take a flight a few days later. Considering our steep prices, I wondered how she planned to pay for the passport in addition to the flight plus interest but that was her problem. My offer still stood.
The soldier who accompanied Finn had been back in Ireland for a family visit because his grandmother had died. He and Finn came through the sliding doors of the airport.
Finn looked a little shy. Brody wasn’t the most communicative of people. I gave him a grateful nod. The moment Finn spotted me, his face lit up and he rushed toward me, almost stumbling because of his spasms. I met him halfway and picked him up. “Hey, buddy.”
He glanced around. “Where’s Aislinn?”
“A friend of hers had a little accident, and Aislinn agreed to take her to the hospital. We’ll pick her up there in a few hours, okay? Will you be fine spending the day with me?”
Aislinn didn’t want Finn to know about Imogen. She thought it would be too much for him. I wondered if that really were the case. Finn had probably begun to distance himself from his ever-absent mother a long time ago. On the other hand, the boy had lived through enough heartbreak because of his mother, so maybe it was better to spare him the news until it was final. “What are we going to do?” he asked with a sly grin.
I chuckled. “Is this a bargain?”
He giggled. The kid was clever and funny. Fuck, I really liked him. I’d always liked kids, even their obnoxious antics, but Finn was special. Maybe because he was part Aislinn. I didn’t even care that he didn’t have my blood coursing through his veins. I would adopt him if Aislinn wanted it.
I pushed the thought aside. These Killeens really got under my skin, and I needed to rein myself the fuck in.
“How about we visit the bridge of a container ship and talk to the captain. I’m sure you can ring the ship’s horn.”
Finn’s blue eyes grew wide. “Yes!”
“All right, then let’s go.”
I took Finn’s suitcase from Brody before Finn and I headed out.
During our ride to the harbor, Finn chatted animatedly about his adventures back in Dublin, mostly games he’d played with his old neighbor or movies he’d watched. Aislinn’s mother didn’t have money and time to go on real adventures with the kid, but he was still a happy camper. Despite his stutter, Finn didn’t hold back around me anymore, and I understood him perfectly by now. Aran had had a light stutter as kid but he had been big and strong, and beat anyone who made fun of him. Finn often chose to stay silent without any way to defend himself against the mockery. Maybe that would change if he became a Devaney.
When we picked up Aislinn in the afternoon, she was pale, her face worry stricken, but she forced a smile for Finn. The moment she joined him in the backseat, he recounted our adventures to her. She sent me a grateful smile through the rearview mirror.
When she joined me in bed late that night, she sagged against me with an exhausted sigh. “I really thought Imogen would die today, but she pulled through. The doctors are confident they have it under control now.”
“Now that Finn’s here, you can’t spend all day in hospital,” I said firmly.
“I know.” She kissed my bare chest, surprising me. I stroked her head. “I can free up a few hours in the mornings and spend time with Finn, and if I can’t, I’m sure Maeve won’t mind jumping in as long as she’s still capable of it. Then you can take over around lunch time. We can look for a permanent daycare for Finn soon.”
Aislinn looked up. “Permanent?”
“Now that we’ve decided you’ll stay in New York with me, I think we should consider letting Finn live with us indefinitely. We can be a family.”
I’d even considered bringing up adoption but Aislinn and I still had to work through a few of our issues before we should take that step.
Aislinn’s eyes grew wide. “What about Imogen?”
“Do you really think she’d mind? You already took care of Finn when she was still around.”
She nodded slowly, her eyes solemn. “No. She probably would have given him up for adoption at birth if it hadn’t been for Mum and me. She was relieved that we took care of him. It was too much for her to handle.” She swallowed, her eyes searching my face. “You sure?”
“Absolutely. I like the kid and he’ll have a better future with us than in Dublin with your mother who needs to work all the time just to get by.”
“Mum won’t like it.”
I gave her a doubtful look. “She knows you’re the best caregiver for Finn, and she knows my money and power can buy Finn a future he might not get in Dublin for various reasons.”
“Maybe. She didn’t hesitate to send him here.” Aislinn lifted her chin in that stubborn way. “But I don’t want him to be part of your business. Finn’s clever. I want him to go to college and do something with a real purpose in life.”
My eyebrows rose at the many insults Aislinn had managed to pack into her words. “So I’m a stupid brute without a purpose in life?”
Aislinn choked out a laugh, her cheeks reddening. “You aren’t stupid, no. But you’re a brute, and I want another purpose for Finn than making money.”
“I guess the kid will decide which purpose he wants in life. But I certainly won’t force him to become part of Five-Leaf Clover. The business isn’t for everyone. You need to be dedicated to the cause. I’d rather have loyal men than men who need to be coerced to work for me.”
I pulled Aislinn in for a kiss. I could tell that Aislinn was more willing to give this marriage and us a chance this time around. I was glad I’d managed to rein in my fury when I found out about her cooperation with Desmond. My restrained reaction had probably made the difference. Maybe it was the first time she saw I wasn’t just a senseless thug. According to my father, my parents had worked on their marriage every day of their lives. A good marriage doesn’t come easily. It takes work, consideration, and on occasion, restraint. I was willing to work on it. Aislinn leaned her head against my shoulder and I had a feeling Aislinn was too. She stroked my chest, her fingers playing with the cross dangling from the gold chain around my neck.
“This was my grandmother’s,” I said quietly.
Aislinn stilled. Her eyes met mine. “Were you close?”
“Very. She made me feel like her favorite grandson when I was with her. But she managed to make each one of my brothers feel the same way when she had them over. She just had so much love to give, it made all of us feel special even when she had all of us over. I admire her patience and dedication. Having all five of us boys over was wild and chaotic but she never lost her patience.”
“She sounds wonderful,” Aislinn said quietly. “I wish I could have met her.”
“She would have loved you. Your patience with Finn reminds me of her.”
“So she gave you the cross before she died?” As usual Aislinn had trouble hearing me praise her, especially about how great she was with Finn.
“She gave me the cross on her deathbed. She was very pious. Each of my brothers got another piece of her religious treasures. She died two years ago.”
“It must be horrible to lose someone from your family. I always only had Imogen and Mum, and later Finn as family, so I didn’t have to watch a loved one die yet.” She swallowed thickly.
I stroked her head. She was worrying about Imogen and I could offer her little consolation. The situation didn’t look good. “Have you longed for a bigger family?”
“Yes, especially at Christmas or birthdays. Some of my friends at school had huge families and their stories about big weddings and messy family reunions always made me jealous.” She laughed, but I could tell that this was a topic that had bothered her in the past.
“My family is big and messy, so you’ll get your fill, and we can create our own little family. In a few years we can have a few more kids.”
Aislinn pushed up and kissed my lips.
I cocked an eyebrow. “What was that for?”
“For saying more kids as if Finn were our kid too.”
“If he lives with us, that’s what he is, right?”
Aislinn nodded and quickly ducked her head but I’d seen how glassy her eyes had become. We sat in silence for a few minutes and I fumbled with Aislinn’s wedding ring, which I’d carried in my wallet since I’d taken it from her after her betrayal. Only this morning I’d taken it out and carried it in my pocket all day.
I’d hesitated to put it back on her because I wasn’t sure it was time yet. But I wanted her to wear it to show that she belonged to me. I pulled her wedding ring out of my pocket and held it up in front of her. For some reason my heart started racing. Her eyes widened in surprise. She searched my face then held out her hand without a single word from me. I slid the ring on then kissed her fingers and my heartbeat slowed again.
“This time forever I hope.”
