Fucking practice kicked my ass and I’m ready to charge my phone, call my girl and go to sleep. After last night with her, I did not get enough sleep and literally made my way through the day like a damn zombie. By the time the afternoon rolled around, my phone had already died and we had an emergency team meeting, which then promptly turned into a practice.
Poppy had a doctor’s appointment today and I feel like a complete piece of shit for missing it. There’s no way I would have been able to leave practice without completely fucking myself, though. Coach would have taken away playing time from me and that’s too important to lose right now.
From what I read online, she’s only five months into the pregnancy, so there will be other ultrasounds and appointments that I will be able to go to. I know I should have found a way to call Poppy, but I literally didn’t have a chance to.
“You good, bro?” Logan asks as we drive closer to our apartment. “You look like you could throw up or something.”
“I missed Poppy’s appointment today. And my phone died so I couldn’t even call her to tell her that I wasn’t going to make it.” I pause for a moment, clenching my jaw as I stare out the window as rain begins to fall against the glass. “She’s going to be fucking pissed.”
Logan is silent for a moment, navigating through the rain. “If you just explain it to her, you don’t think she will understand?”
As we pull into the parking lot of our apartment building, I see Poppy’s car sitting in one of the spots in the front row. Swallowing hard over the lump in my throat, I glance at Logan as he puts the car in park. “I guess we’re about to find out.”
The rain starts falling harder and I pull my hood up over my head as Logan pops the trunk. We grab our stuff from it and he shuts the door as we begin to walk toward the apartment building. Both of us are silent, me lost in my own thoughts and Logan just being silent because, what the fuck could he possibly say?
It feels like an eternity as we get onto the elevator and take it to our floor. I swear, by the time that we get out, I’m surprised we’re still in the same lifetime. The hallway is empty and I let out an exasperated sigh, thankful that Poppy isn’t out here waiting for me.
I don’t know which is worse… her waiting in the hall or knowing that she’s in there with my sister. I don’t even want to think about the shit she’s going to give me after she watches this blow up. She’s grown protective over Poppy, and I’m thankful for it, don’t get me wrong. But the last thing I need is her on my shit too.
“Want me to go in first?” Logan asks me, his voice wary as he reaches for the doorknob.
Meeting his blue eyes, I shrug, my grip tightening on the stick in my hand. “It doesn’t matter. Let’s just go in, okay?”
Logan nods, slowly turning the knob as he pushes open the door. The apartment is silent as we walk in and for a moment, I’m confused. We don’t hear the sounds of Isla’s or Poppy’s voices or the TV playing. Surely, they’re not sitting here in silence. The entire thing feels off and I can feel the heaviness hanging in the air as I push the door shut behind me.
I set my bag near the closet door, propping my stick up next to Logan’s as I watch him walk through the kitchen. The sound of hushed voices come through the dining room and I pause for a moment, collecting myself before I head in the direction of them.
As I walk through the door that leads into the dining room, I see Isla and Poppy sitting at the table, both of them staring directly at me. Logan stands over near the living room and he gives me a sympathetic smile as I meet his gaze before he disappears down the hall with his hockey bag behind him.
“I should be going,” Poppy tells Isla, her voice cracking as she pushes back her chair and rises from her seat. “Thank you again for handling the gender reveal party.”
“Of course,” my sister tells her, her smile not quite reaching her eyes as the awkwardness hangs heavily in the air. “I’ll make sure no one else knows what it says inside here,” she says, lifting the envelope up.
Isla rises from her chair, her eyes narrowing as she meets my gaze. She walks directly toward me, stopping as her toes reach mine. She’s more than a foot shorter than me, so she has to tilt her head back to look up at me, but that doesn’t take away from the harsh fucking look written across her face.
“You better make this fucking right, August,” she mumbles, attempting to keep her voice low, but I don’t miss the threat lingering in her words. “You really fucked up this time.”
Shaking her head at me in disappointment, she swiftly spins on her heel and strides over to Poppy. I watch, shifting my weight awkwardly as my sister pulls my girlfriend in for a hug and whispers something to her before they part. Isla glances at me once more over her shoulder, her eyes colder than the ice that we skate on. She looks back at Poppy, smiling once more before she disappears down the hall to her and Logan’s room.
My eyes find Poppy, desperately searching her face, but she avoids my gaze, her eyes cast at the floor as she wrings her hands in front of her. She doesn’t move for a moment, so I take my chance and move closer to her, reaching out for her.
“Poppy, please, just let me explain,” I plead, my voice cracking as she flinches, moving away from me as I get closer to her. It’s a blow directly to the chest and my breath catches.
She lifts her gaze to mine, her blue eyes frigid and glazed over as the tears well in the corners of them. “Why couldn’t you have the decency to call me and tell me you weren’t going to make it? Do you know how goddamn stupid I looked, asking the nurse to just wait ten more minutes in case you showed up?”
“I’m sorry, baby,” I murmur, not fully trusting my voice as emotion thickens my throat. “Fuck. I’m so sorry. I should have called, but my phone died and I didn’t have a chance to charge it.”
“No,” she growls, her voice hard. “You don’t get to stand here and apologize and make excuses, August. That’s not how this works. You knew how important this appointment was and you promised me you would be there. How the hell am I supposed to put any weight on anything you say?”
Her words slice through my heart, severing my rib cage as the blade reaches the vital organ inside. “Fuck, Poppy. Our coach called an emergency meeting and then it was an unplanned practice. I couldn’t just leave or I would end up getting playing time cut from me as a punishment.”
Poppy snorts, her eyebrows drawn together as her face contorts. “That’s what this always comes down to, isn’t it? Fucking hockey,” she sneers, shaking her head in disbelief. “If you can’t make our baby a priority, how the fuck is this ever going to work between us? I need a partner who is going to be there for me—one who is going to be present and show up when they’re fucking supposed to.”
I stare back at her, her words completely rocking me to my core. My lips part slightly, but I have no legitimate response. She’s so fucking right and there’s nothing I can do to take it back. At that moment, it seemed like I didn’t have a choice. Hockey was the only one that made sense at the time because I didn’t realize how important this was to her.
But as I stand here and watch the waves of pain crash against the shores in her irises, I can’t help but feel an overwhelming amount of guilt. Not only that, but the disappointment in myself for letting her down. I should have showed up, but I didn’t. And I don’t know what the hell to do about it.
“Poppy, please,” I plead with her, fighting the urge to drop down on my knees in front of her. “I’m so goddamn sorry. Let me make this right, let me show you that you and the baby are the most important things to me.”
Poppy stares back at me, the tears falling from her eyes without any inhibition. “It’s too late for that, August. You made your choice and I can’t even stand to look at you right now.”
“Baby, don’t do this…”
Poppy takes a step toward me, grabbing two strips of paper from the table and shoving them against my chest. “Here, August. This is what you missed today. Have a good fucking night.”
Grabbing for the papers, I catch them before they fall to the floor as she brushes past me. Spinning on my heel, I turn around as I watch her walk away from me. “Poppy, please. Just give me a chance.”
As she reaches the door, she turns to look at me one last time. The anger has dissipated from her expression and there’s nothing but hurt left in its place. “I’m sorry, August…”
Her voice trails off, her words hanging heavily in the thickness of the air as she disappears through the door. I could go after her, but I’m cemented in place as my gaze falls down to the strips of paper in my hands. My eyes scan them, trailing over the pictures of our baby in black and white before I flip to the 3D pictures.
Emotion wells in my throat, the lump forming, and I can’t swallow it down as a sob falls from my lips. Our baby—our perfect little combination of the best parts of us. I can’t tear my eyes away from the pictures, as I memorize the delicate features of our little one that is growing inside Poppy’s stomach.
My heart cracks and I fall to my knees on the floor as realization sets in.
I really fucked up this time…
And I don’t know whether Poppy is ever going to forgive me for this.
