Seeing August didn’t help with the anger or the pain that completely floods me. It’s pouring as I drive back home and I can’t stop the tears that blur my vision. The rain begins to fall harder, the droplets pelting on the windshield as I pull over on the side of the road and succumb to the aching in my chest. My soul hurts gravely and I can’t fight the sobs as they tear through my body.
I know it wasn’t entirely August’s fault, but I can’t help but feel like he let me down too. This was his opportunity to prove himself and he failed to come through. I refuse to be the one that comes between him and his dreams, but I won’t let him be the reason that mine don’t come true too.
We were destined for heartbreak from the moment we met. And knowing there’s a baby involved makes it hurt that much more.
It was foolish of me to think this would ever actually work out. I knew from the start it was a gamble and a risk, being with someone who was so immersed in their own life. Stupid me for thinking there was any space in his life for me. Maybe my expectations were too high. I always knew he wouldn’t be able to fully commit, but there was a part of me that hoped he would make a conscious effort to put us first.
I was wrong… so goddamn wrong.
The tears slowly begin to subside and I hastily wipe them away from my face before I pull my car back onto the road and head back home. My phone rings from the cupholder beside me, but I don’t bother looking at it, as I already know it’s him. Funny, now he can call me when he knows that everything between us is on the line.
Reaching for my phone, I pick it up and silence it before dropping it back into the cupholder. My soul hurts and my mind is blank as I drive home, not realizing how close I am until I’m pulling into the driveway. As I turn off my car, I inhale deeply before heading back into the rain and make my way into the house.
It’s dark and silent inside and I don’t bother looking for my mother. I walk right past the bathroom, skipping the bath that would normally calm me. Instead, I lock myself in my room, stripping out of my wet clothes before slipping into my bed.
My phone begins to light up as message after message from August comes through. I try to ignore it, but it continues as he starts to call me too. The tears prick the corners of my eyes again and I can’t take the painful reminder of him, even though he invades every inch of my mind. Reaching over, I grab my phone from where I set it on the nightstand and power it off.
Burying my head in the pillow, I pull the blankets up over my head, cocooning myself in the warmth of my bed as I let my sadness pull me back under. The tears don’t stop falling and I don’t bother fighting it as I succumb to the pain and effectively cry myself to sleep.
The next morning, I wake up feeling like total shit. My eyes feel swollen from crying, and my chest aches from the hole inside my heart. With my phone being turned off, I didn’t have my alarm, so I missed my first few classes of the morning. I should care, but there’s a part of me that really doesn’t.
Grabbing my phone, I don’t bother turning it on as I tuck it into the pocket of my bag and head downstairs. My mom is sitting in the kitchen and I’m surprised she’s here and not at work.
“What are you doing home?” I ask her, as I walk to the fridge and grab a bottle of water.
“I could ask you the same thing,” she retorts, her eyes filled with worry as they search mine and she takes a sip of her coffee. “I noticed you were still home, so I wanted to make sure you were okay. I didn’t want to wake you, though, when I saw you were still sleeping.”
I nod, grabbing a banana from the counter. “I’m okay, I just had a rough night and overslept this morning. I’ll email my professors and see if they can email me the stuff I missed so I can stay on track.”
My mother nods, but I can see in her eyes that she’s hanging onto one key point from what I just rambled to her. “Why did you have a rough night? Did something happen?”
A sigh slips from my lips and I shrug. “I had my 3D ultrasound appointment yesterday.” I pause for a moment, mentally kicking myself for leaving the pictures with August because I wanted to show them to her. “August didn’t show up for it.”
“Did you talk to him?”
I nod, shifting my weight as I stand in the center of the kitchen. “I did. And I don’t think he’s reliable. I need someone I can count on and he proved that hockey is more important. I refuse to make him choose between me or what he’s worked so hard for his entire life.”
My mother purses her lips, a look of sympathy in her eyes. “Does he know this is how you feel?”
“I don’t know,” I tell her honestly as I attempt to replay the night in my head, but it hurts too much to think about. “I didn’t come out and end things with him, but I’ve thought about it all night and I think it’s for the best.”
“I just don’t want you to make any rash decisions, but if you feel like this is what has to happen, you know I support whatever choice you make.”
I smile at her, but it doesn’t reach my eyes. “Thanks, Mom. I should probably go, though, so I can try and get to my afternoon classes.”
“Are you sure you don’t want to just take the day off? It’s okay to not be okay sometimes, Poppy.” She pauses for a moment, a wave of pain washing over her eyes. My mind drifts to the same place hers does… Evie. The one person who tried to hold it all together until she couldn’t. Until the weight of the world began to drag her down…
My eyes grow misty as I stare back at my mother. “I really wish she were here sometimes. I know she had her struggles, but she could have overcome them. She was always stronger than she gave herself credit for.”
“I wish she was here too, sweetheart.” My mother’s voice cracks as tears fill her eyes. “She had so much life in her, I just wish she could have seen the light that was hiding in her darkness. You know, we tried to get her help, but I don’t think we did enough.”
I stare back at my mother, my heart breaking for her. Instinctively, I place my hand over my stomach and I can’t bear the thought of how she must feel after losing her own child. “You did everything you could for her. Evie was spiraling and I don’t think anything would have helped unless she wanted the help. If I would have stopped her from diving in that night, she would have still had a chance, though.”
My mother rises to her feet, walking toward me as a sob tears through my body. She wraps her arms around me, pulling me into her warmth as she holds me, and I cry against her shoulder. “Shhh,” she murmurs, stroking my hair. “It wasn’t your fault, honey. You have to stop blaming yourself for it. Focusing on the what-ifs will never bring her back. It was Evie’s choice, not yours, and you are not to blame for what happened.”
Collecting myself, I pull away from her, taking a step back as I hastily wipe the tears from my eyes. “I know, but sometimes the guilt gets the best of me. I’m trying.”
“That’s all we can do, Poppy. We all try our best and make the most out of our lives.” She pauses, smiling at me with a look of pride in her eyes. “You have so much ahead of you, please don’t let the past get in the way of that.”
“I love you, Mom,” I tell her as I walk past her, heading toward the front door.
“Love you always,” she calls out after me. I slip outside, feeling the warmth of the sun on my black coat, which is a contrast to the dark cloud that hangs over my head. As I get into my car, thoughts of August plague my mind again. I know I need to talk to him and face him, I just don’t think I’m ready to yet.
I’m not ready for this to be over, but I know it’s what I have to do.
My afternoon classes go by a lot faster than I planned. It’s enough to keep me distracted from my thoughts of August and I’m able to get all of the notes from my professors from this morning. Pulling out my phone, I power it on and quickly ignore everything from August before sending my mother a message. I let her know I’m going to order food and spend the evening in the library catching up on my missed work.
She tells me to check in with her when I get home and I send her a message back, letting her know that I will, before I power my phone off again. I can’t bring myself to look at any of August’s texts yet and I don’t want to chance having him reach out again.
The library is relatively empty when I get there after my last class. Finding an empty table, I settle in with my things, setting up my laptop before putting in my AirPods. Pulling my books and notes from my bag, I spread them across the wooden surface and allow it to consume my focus as I lose myself in my work.
I don’t know how much time passes, but I’m completely immersed in my classwork, working my ass off to get caught back up. I can’t afford to fall behind now. My grades have been exceptional and I don’t want my GPA to drop because of a small hiccup in life.
As I’m reading over something on my laptop, I hear the librarian speaking to someone in a flustered voice. Pulling out my one AirPod, I listen in on the conversation, not turning around to make it obvious since her desk is behind me.
“I’m sorry, but you’re not a student here,” she says, the emphasis thick in her voice. She’s entirely frustrated and sounds like she’s at her wit’s end. “I can’t allow you to come into the library if you don’t attend school here.”
“Look, I promise that I will be quick. There’s someone I need to see in here and I will leave as soon as I talk to her.”
His voice sends a shiver down my spine and I freeze in my seat. The sound of his husky tone snakes its way around my eardrums, wedging itself in my soul. August fucking Whitley.
Pulling out my other AirPod, I set it down on the table and let out a ragged breath as I slide out of my seat. Rising to my feet, I slowly turn around and see him leaning against her desk, still arguing with her.
My heart pounds erratically in my chest, my palms clammy as I walk on shaky legs toward the two of them. The librarian lifts her eyes to me, her face flush and flustered. “I’m so sorry, Mrs. Edwards,” I begin, my voice apologetic as I silently plead with my eyes. “You’ll have to excuse him. He’s here to see me.”
“See,” August throws his hands up as an exasperated sigh slips from his lips. “I told you I was here to see someone.”
Mrs. Edwards looks between the two of us, narrowing her eyes. “Please take this out into the hall. There are other students trying to study here and you’ve already caused enough disruption,” she snaps at August.
August nods and I offer her an apologetic smile, before I grab his hand and drag him out into the hall. As we step out into the space, I close the library doors behind us and turn to him, crossing my arms over my chest.
“What are you doing here, August?”
His eyes are wild and he looks like he hasn’t slept at all. His clothes are wrinkled and disheveled, his hair a tousled mess on top of his head. “You haven’t been answering any of my texts or calls. You turned off your phone. I’m going crazy, baby. I needed to see you and talk to you.”
My heart rattles inside its cage, threatening to break through my ribs as I stare at him. “Did it ever occur to you that I turned off my phone because I didn’t want to talk to you or see you right now?”
“I know, I know,” he says, running a frustrated hand through his hair. “I just needed to see you. I need you to understand that I didn’t mean to miss the appointment yesterday. Seriously, it’s been tearing me up inside and I just want to make it up to you.”
His words break my heart, but I know staying with him will only shatter it. “It’s not something you can make up for, August. That’s the thing… I’ve been thinking about it all night and I know what has to be done.”
He narrows his eyes at me, his face scrunching up in distaste. “What does that mean?”
I swallow hard over the lump lodged in my throat. “We can’t be together. I’m not saying you can’t be involved in the baby’s life, because I want you to be a part of it. But this isn’t going to work with us.”
He recoils, looking at me like I just slapped him across the face. “Don’t do this, baby. Please… just give me a chance to show you I can be what you need. That you’re more important to me than anything.”
My heart continues to break, the shards falling to the floor around my feet as I watch his face crumble. “I’m sorry, August. I won’t make you choose between hockey and me. You’ve worked too hard to give that up. I know how important it is to you and I can’t be the reason you throw it all away. You’re destined for greatness, but we’re not.”
“Poppy…” His voice cracks, trailing off as tears rapidly fill his eyes. “I’m fucking begging you not to do this.”
“I love you, August… but sometimes love just isn’t enough.”
His lips part slightly, but no words come out as he stares at me in utter shock. I can’t bear to look at him anymore as my resolve is slowly waning, watching his heart break in his chest. Spinning on my heel, I quickly put as much distance as I can between us, disappearing back into the library.
My heart waits for him to come after me, but he doesn’t.
He doesn’t come running for me… and I know this is really it.
Our relationship is officially over.
