After finishing my last class, I’m heading out to my car as my phone vibrates in my pocket. Waiting until I’m inside my vehicle, I pull it out and check the screen, seeing August’s name. It’s been almost a week since he showed up at the library and I haven’t heard from him since then. I’d be lying if I said his absence didn’t bother me.
I hated how much I really missed him. Hearing the sound of his voice, his laughter. Feeling his hands on my stomach as our little baby moves around. Just feeling him close to me, our hearts beating to a synchronized rhythm. God, I missed every little thing about him.
It was hard, resisting the urge to not reach out to him. There were so many times that I picked up my phone, just wanting to call or text him, but I knew I couldn’t do it. I was the one who decided this and I had to stand by my decision. I refuse to come between him and the life he’s building. I just wish there was some space for me in it.
Inhaling deeply, I muster up all of the courage I have and open his message. My heart pounds erratically in my chest as my eyes scan the screen.
August: Hey, Poppy. Do you have any free time we could maybe meet up and talk?
Swallowing hard over the lump forming in my throat, I consider his proposition. Of course I want to talk to him, but is it best for me? Can my heart and soul handle seeing him, knowing we have to remain platonic and as friends? I wanted to keep things between us strictly about the baby, but this seems more personal than that.
Poppy: I don’t know if that’s a good idea…
His response comes through without any hesitation.
August: I know, but we really need to talk. I promise it won’t be a waste of your time. There’s a lot I need to say to you and it’s been a hard fucking week, resisting the urge to show up and see you or even just call you.
His message pulls my heartstrings into different directions. The thought of what he might need to say to me shakes me to my core, mainly out of fear. I’m terrified to face him again, that my resolve might crumble the moment I see his face. But after his admission, I know I can’t turn him away. He deserves the chance to talk, if that is what he wants.
Poppy: Did you want to come over this evening?
It seems like the safest place to meet. It’s my own safety net and if I don’t like the way the conversation is heading, I can easily tell him that he needs to leave. It feels safer than meeting him for dinner or something like that. I can’t deal with anything that might fall under the category of a date because we’re well past that point.
We have to come together and work with each other if we’re going to be raising a child together, whether we are in a relationship or not.
August: When is a good time to come over?
I mull over his question before telling him to come around seven. That way I can have dinner with my parents and not have to have my mother inviting him to eat with us. This needs to be a short conversation, one I can have with him on the front porch and send him on his way.
I can’t let August Whitley in, even though he has already situated himself deep inside my heart.
We end the conversation with his promises of coming and my stomach is already in knots. Regardless of how this goes, I have to remain firm and stand my ground. I refuse to be someone’s second choice, whether it’s to another woman or a sport.
Our child and I deserve to be put first too…
After dinner, my mother and Benjamin both disappeared into the den to watch one of their shows together. It’s about ten minutes until seven when a text comes through from August, letting me know he’s outside. It takes all of the courage I have to walk down the stairs and head out the front door.
The evening air has a chill, sending a shiver down my spine as I step onto the front porch and pull the door shut behind me. August is standing at the bottom of the steps, his hands in the pockets of his coat as he watches me from down below.
“Hey,” he says softly, the warmth of his voice sliding against my eardrums like silk. I stare down at him, meeting his gaze as I shift my weight nervously under his eyes.
“Hi,” I practically whisper, swallowing hard over the lump forming in my throat. It’s awkward, standing here on the porch while he’s staring at me from the bottom of the steps. It’s almost like he’s afraid to get too close, like he might scare me away if he does.
Swallowing back my emotions, I inch forward, slowly stepping down onto the first step before I sit down on the edge of the porch. August watches me carefully, his eyes burning holes directly through mine. “Sit with me?” I ask him, tilting my head to the side.
Nodding, his throat bobs as he swallows hard and begins his ascent up the steps. He moves to the side of me, turning around before he takes the spot right next to me. He’s so close I can feel the warmth radiating from his leg but he doesn’t touch me.
“What did you want to talk about?” I ask him, my voice quiet as I don’t fully trust it with the emotions running rampant through me in this moment. Turning my head, I stare at the side of his face as he stares out toward the street, his jaw clenched like he’s fighting an internal war.
His chest rises as he takes in a deep breath. “I don’t even know where to begin, Poppy…” His words trail off for a moment, the sound of my name rolling off his tongue like a plea. Slowly, August turns his head to look at me, his gaze full of guilt as it meets mine. “I know I fucked up everything and that was the last thing I wanted to happen.”
Tears prick the corners of my eyes and knives lodge in my throat. I stare back at him, my lips parting as no words come from my mouth. I don’t even know how to respond because there’s nothing that either of us can say will change the past.
“I know it might not seem like it was that big of a deal,” I admit, my voice shaking around my words. “But it was a big deal to me. Maybe I blew it out of proportion, but I need someone I can count on. Honestly, I don’t care that you missed it because of hockey. I understand that you have commitments, but I need you to be committed to me too. Had you called or texted me, it would have made a world of difference.”
“I know,” he whispers, his face falling as his eyes bounce back and forth between mine. “I honestly don’t have a good enough reason for why I didn’t, besides my phone dying. I was negligent in the fact that I didn’t charge it when I could have made an effort. Tell me something, Poppy… this seems like it’s bigger than just the situation that happened.”
He sees right through me and it shakes me to my core. “I told you, I need you to be committed to me too. What happens if something goes wrong and I can’t get a hold of you? What happens when I really need you for something important and you’re nowhere to be found? I need to be able to count on you, August, and right now, I don’t feel confident that I can.”
His throat bobs as he swallows roughly. “I completely understand that,” he tells me, nodding as his eyes wash over with emotion. “I haven’t really proven myself as being the person you need, even from the start when I pushed you away because I didn’t want the attachment. Can you please just give me a chance to show you that I can be your person?”
My eyes desperately search his for some kind of deception, some malice that would make it easier for me to say no. I’ve always been a forgiving person, except to myself. After my sister would go on rampages and destroy things, I was always the one cleaning up her messes. But that’s the thing about people. We all fuck up and make mistakes. We don’t have to be the judge, the jury, and the executioner with every situation.
Everyone deserves a second chance, an attempt to right their wrongs and do things the right way.
“I’m not asking you to be with me right now because I don’t feel like that would be fair to you,” August says quietly as he breaks through my thoughts. “As much as I want to be with you, I want you to know in your heart and soul that I am the person you need before we are involved like that again. All that I’m asking for is a chance to show you I can be the man you need. That I am one hundred percent committed to you and that you come above everything.”
Emotion washes over his face and he doesn’t bother to hide it from me. I watch as his eyes gloss over, filling with tears as they fall down his face with abandonment. Coming from someone like him, this is fucking everything. August isn’t the type who lays his heart out on the line with the risk of having it torn to shreds.
He’s letting me see everything he’s feeling right now without any care of judgment or rejection. His words bring me hope, but I can’t let them hold any weight until he actually follows through and shows me he means everything he’s saying.
“Okay,” I whisper, my own voice cracking as I watch him wipe the tears from the sides of his face. Neither of us make a move toward the other, instead we just sit as the word hangs heavily in the air around us. “I want to believe you, August. I don’t want things to be like this between us, but I need something more than just your words. I want to give you the chance to prove that you mean everything you’re saying.”
August stares back at me, a ghost of a smile playing on his lips. “Thank you, Poppy,” he breathes, the warmth of his voice snaking itself around me. “That’s all I’m asking for.”
I smile back at him, but it’s quickly disrupted as a cramp spreads across my lower stomach and I wince. “Sorry,” I let out an exaggerated breath as I lean forward and clutch my abdomen. “I’ve been having these weird pains since this morning.”
August slides closer to me, his hand on my back as his face dips down near mine. “Are you okay? Do you need me to take you to the hospital?”
Lifting my head, I meet his worried expression and it warms my heart as I shake my head and the pain begins to subside. “It’s honestly probably just dehydration and lack of sleep. It hasn’t been anything I can’t handle, but it just comes out of nowhere. I haven’t been drinking enough and slept like shit.”
“Did you call the doctor?” he probes, his voice lifting an octave from panic. “Surely, it can’t be something normal.”
Nodding, I sit upright, still feeling the warmth of his palm with his hand on my lower back. “I spoke to the nurse and was told to take it easy and see if resting helps. I’m supposed to call tomorrow morning if it doesn’t get any better.”
“I don’t want to leave you, Poppy,” August says quietly, his eyes searching mine. “I know you don’t want to be together, but you and this baby are the most important things to me. I’m not trying to push my luck or overstep any boundaries. I’ll sleep on your floor or something, but please, just let me stay to take care of you and make sure you’re okay.”
I stare back at him as his eyes desperately search mine. With my mother home, I don’t need August to stay here. I’m more than capable of taking care of myself, but with the way he’s looking at me, I can feel my resolve already dissipating.
“We have a guest room,” I offer, shrugging as my heart pounds erratically in my chest. “That way you don’t have to sleep on the floor in my room.”
August shakes his head. “If you’ll let me stay, I’m not leaving your side.”
Emotion wells in my throat and I move away from him as I rise to my feet. August quickly follows suit, climbing to his feet as he stands beside me. Taking a step away from him, I reach for the handle of the door and open it before looking back at him.
“Stay.”
