My heart was in my throat the moment I heard her slide down the other side of the door. Every wail stabs me in the chest.
I’ve never felt guilty before for any of the horrendous things I’ve done. But this is eating me up. I’m the last person she wants right now. I know that. She’s furious and hurt. If she wanted to stab me all the other times I’ve wound her up, now she will be murderous.
Her cries become more and more frantic, hysterical even. She’s losing it. I know the feeling all too well. The moment reality starts to slip, the darkness that creeps in and consumes your entire body. Once you enter that pit of darkness, it’s hard, so fucking hard to claw yourself back out. That’s why I live in hell now. I’ve learned to thrive here. She’s right; I am a monster. But I won’t let the darkness steal my Sunshine.
“Sunshine, let me in.”
Nothing.
Pressing my ear to the door, I listen. I wince as her sobs get progressively louder. It’s almost as if she’s struggling to breathe through them. There’s a wheeze in every breath.
Fuck.
There’s some muffled movement, her hand slapping against the tiled flooring. Good, she’s moving away.
I take in a sharp inhale.
“Help me!”
“Sunshine, move away from the door!”
I lift my left foot and slam it with all my force into the door. It flings open and smashes against the wall. She’s lying in a heap on the floor. Her chest moves frantically up and down.
Fuck.
I dart over to her, dropping with a thud onto my knees. Her warm breath hits my face. Good, she is breathing. I stroke the soaking strands of hair out of her face and gently lift her head off the floor.
“Baby, come on, come back to me,” I whisper in her ear, stroking her ice-cold cheek. Her body shivers against me. She’s fucking freezing. Placing her head on my lap, I grip under her arms and pull her body up to my chest, cradling her like a baby. The fact she still hasn’t woken worries me. I check my watch; she has thirty more seconds before I call an ambulance.
“Sunshine, please. Come back to me.” Tears sting in my eyes. What the fuck have I done to her.
I lift her up and stand onto my feet.
“Grayson…” It’s barely a whisper.
“Hey, Sunshine.”
I walk us into her bedroom and rest her down on the bed. The bed dips as I sit on the edge next to her. Mascara runs down her face. She doesn’t move, just stares at me.
“How are you feeling?” I whisper, not wanting to startle her.
“Fine.”
“Do I need to take you to a hospital? What happened back there?”
“It was just a panic attack. I’ve never had one like that before, not enough to pass out.” The color starts to come back to her face, I bring two fingers to her neck and check her pulse. It’s steady, a little fast but not concerning.
“Do you want me to get you anything? Some water?”
She shakes her head.
“I need you to leave. I don’t just mean here, I mean, me. Whatever this was is done.”
I bite my bottom lip so hard a coppery taste drips on my tongue. I can’t leave her like this, but if me being here sets her off, I can’t stay.
“I can’t leave you tonight, Maddie. Not after that. I’ll run you a bath, tuck you in bed, and I’ll sleep in the spare room. I’ll be gone by the time you wake up. I just need to know you’re ok.”
She lets out a sigh and nods, still looking past me.
She’s slipping away from me, and I can’t do a damn thing to stop it.
