I don’t realize I’m heading to the dorms until I’m already there. Already throwing my car in park in the closest spot and walking up the path to the building, desperation clawing at my throat. It’s like my body went on autopilot on the drive back, and all I could think about once I hit the Oregon state line was getting to him.
Then again, I shouldn’t be surprised. My heart has always been connected to Keene. Called to him in a way it never has for anyone else. If only I wasn’t stupid enough to take that for granted, choosing to cherish his more than my pride.
I guess eight weeks on the road, doing a lifetime’s worth of soul searching, will clarify some shit. Put it in perspective until the things that matter take their place, front and center.
And God, did it ever work.
Seeing him is the only thing that matters right now. I didn’t bother getting gas or stopping at home to drop off my bags. All signs pointed to him and only him.
To get him back, tell him I love him…and most importantly, that I’m sorry.
I just hope I’m not too late. Because months apart can do a lot. Change a lot.
Just look at the amount of growth I’ve made in that time.
Who’s to say Keene hasn’t found someone else? Someone actually worthy of his love and time and affection. Who won’t run away like I did.
It’s that fear alone that sent me running back here and straight to him.
Or, as straight to him as possible, considering I have no way of getting into his dorm with my ID card this year. Which I didn’t really think about until I’m standing locked outside the dorm building.
“Shit,” I mutter, pacing in front of the door.
Even if I snuck in as someone else came out, the RA at the front desk is sure to send me straight out here again. Even if it’s the same blonde girl from last year who was known to have a little leniency. Damn sticklers for the rules.
Then again, I used to be one of them, keeping to a rigid structure to live by. That is, until Keene went and flipped my whole world upside down.
Trying another option, I pull his contact up on my phone and hit the call button, but it goes straight to voicemail.
Damnit.
My options have dwindled down to one thing now. Sitting and waiting, hoping I catch him coming or going and can convince him to hear me out. It’s warm and breezy for late August, and the clouds swirling overhead look like thunderheads.
But I’m not gonna leave. Come rain or storm or Hell or high water, I’m seeing him.
I’ll wait here all fucking night if I have to.
Guess all that paying attention I did in science class paid off, because those clouds were definitely thunderheads. Sure as shit, it started pouring down about half an hour ago, and even though I’m under the overhang of the dorm entrance, the wind’s making it close to impossible to stay dry.
My brain’s telling me to give up and come back in the morning, but the stubbornness in my heart won’t let me. And it’s a good thing too, because about an hour later, I finally spot him rushing up the walk to the dorm. His duffle’s held up over his head as he sprints toward cover from the storm. He’s so occupied with trying to keep himself dry, he almost runs straight into me when he reaches the top step.
Thankfully, he glances up when he hits the landing, halting in place when his brain registers my presence.
And the look on his face…well, let’s just say he doesn’t look thrilled to see me.
Soaked to the bone, jaw set tight, and eyes cold, he asks, “What’re you doing here?”
I wet my lips and swallow. “I came to see you.”
He snorts. “Why? To let me know you’re back? Or were you planning to let my mom clue me in on that little fact weeks later too?”
Fuck.
Not my finest moment, letting Loraine break the news that I left on a journey of self-discovery by myself. He wasn’t supposed to know at all, because I didn’t want to hurt him even more than I already have. Yet another mistake I’ve made when it comes to us, since the look on his face tells me it did.
But I knew I couldn’t tell him. If I saw him or spoke to him, I wouldn’t have gone. And if I hadn’t gone, I wouldn’t have figured myself out and I wouldn’t be here right now, ready to beg on my hands and knees for his forgiveness.
“It wasn’t like that,” I whisper, shoving my hands in my pockets. “I just couldn’t—”
His lips thin into a line and he scoffs. It’s enough to cause me to stop mid-sentence, needing to know what he has to say, no matter how much it hurts. Except he starts laughing. At first, it sounds ironic, but then it turns into something a little more manic and empty. Neither of which sound right on him.
“Two months, Pen,” is all he says.
And the amount of guilt I feel crashes down on me all at once as I nod, still holding his gaze.
He scoffs again, a newly lit wave of fury in his eyes.
“Two fucking months have gone by, and save for a single goddamn text on my birthday, I haven’t heard from you. You left the goddamn state, not bothering to say goodbye or even clue me in on your plan to get as far away from me as you could. Shit, you could’ve been dead on the side of the road or joined the cabbage patch and I wouldn’t have fucking known.”
His anger flows into me, igniting my own anger inside me. Not at him, but at myself, though it wouldn’t appear that way from the outside.
“It wasn’t about you, Keene,” I hiss. “It was about me. About figuring myself out so I didn’t bring you down with me.”
“That’s just it, though! You made this about you, when we could’ve figured it out together!” he snaps, his cheeks beginning to tint with anger. “Just like everything else before that day, we could’ve walked that path together. Leaned on each other the way we have since we were kids. You’re the one who took that away from us. You chose to run away when shit got tough instead of trusting me to be there to catch you when you fell!”
His words cause me to wince as guilt rushes through me. The truth in them is blatantly obvious, and it causes the self-loathing in me to escalate dramatically.
“I’m sorry,” I whisper, doing my best to calm myself. “I wasn’t thinking—”
“You were thinking, Aspen,” he says, shaking his head, droplets of water flinging off the ends of his hair when he does. “The problem is, while I was thinking about you and me and us in that moment on the field, you were busy just thinking about yourself.”
The words cut deep, as the truth often does.
All I can do is nod.
He’s right. The only thing on my mind was saving myself. From pain or judgment or embarrassment; at this point, it doesn’t matter.
I screwed up, and now it’s time to own it.
But before I can, he asks a question I wasn’t really prepared for.
“Where’d you go?” His jaw ticks as he stares at me, clearly making an effort to stay calm. Something Keene’s never had issues with until now.
“Utah,” I murmur, not meeting his eyes. My voice is practically non-existent and so rough, it sounds like someone shoved gravel down my throat and forced me to swallow it. “And Colorado too.”
The flash of anger on his face is quickly replaced by hurt, and it rips me apart from the inside out.
“You did the trip—our trip—without me?”
Nodding again, I whisper, “I did.”
And somehow, saying those two words out loud feels like more of a betrayal than leaving him standing there alone on the field or in the parking lot next to his car. Because I didn’t just betray him. I said fuck our friendship and our tradition and everything we built, putting my own needs before us.
Another wave of guilt hits me, threatening to pull me under the dark, murky surface.
God, I wouldn’t blame him if he hates me or never wants to speak to me again.
I get the feeling we’re pretty damn close to one, if not both, of those options too. Especially when he shakes his head and moves to brush past me to get to the door.
“Kee.”
His nickname is enough to have him pause, turning just enough to catch my gaze. And no matter how hard he’s trying, he can’t hide the hurt in his eyes. Being the one to put it there fills me with self-loathing, and I know what I have to say might only make it worse.
But I have to try.
“All I’m asking for is five minutes. Please.” My tongue darts out over my lips and I swallow down the shards of glass lodged in my throat. “I dare you to give me a chance to fix this. To make this right between us.”
Using the game is cheap. A cop out. But it’s my only hope.
“Pen.” He sighs, probably because of the dare, but I shake my head and grab his hand. It might be a mistake, touching him without his consent. Yet I do it anyway, because without his skin against mine, it feels like he’s already gone.
Like I’ve already lost the one person on this planet that I was made for.
“Hear me out. Please. I know I fucked up—”
“Fucked up? That’s what you wanna call it?” His scoff turns into a laugh of disbelief as he rips his hand from my hold. “You didn’t fuck up. You fucking destroyed everything we had. Years of friendship, out the window. And for what? Because you were embarrassed? Because you were afraid?”
“Of course I was afraid, Keene! If the world knew, that made it real. And if it was real…” I trail off, words evading me once again at the most inopportune time.
Keene doesn’t seem to have that issue though, laying into me with fire in his eyes.
“It was real whether the world knew it or not. You felt it as much as I did, the shift between us. And in the end, you’re still the one who chose to walk away. You’re the one who couldn’t handle it. Who was too afraid.”
“I know—”
“No, I don’t think you do, Pen,” he snaps, anguish written all over his features. “Because if you knew anything, you wouldn’t have walked away when I needed you most. When we needed each other.”
There it is again, the ripple of guilt when I hear him say those words.
I needed you.
Regret courses through me as I think about that day three months ago. Walking away from him was the hardest thing I’ve ever done. Even as I did it, I knew it was the wrong move. I knew it would end up being the greatest betrayal he’s ever felt, and from the person he thought it’d never come from. One that cut deepest, because out of the few things we always knew we could count on in life, each other was always number one.
No matter when or where, we had each other, and that was all we’d ever need.
But when it was time to prove it? To put up or shut up? To stand together as a team, us against the world?
I blew it.
Tossed it in the air like a hand grenade with a lit fuse and bolted from the line of fire. Knowing that is punishment enough to last a lifetime, especially if it causes damage to us that’s too deep to repair.
There’s only one way to find out.
“Don’t you dare?” I whisper the three words that started this entire mess over two years ago. A knot the size of a baseball lodges itself in my throat as I look at him, at the face I’ve known for my entire life, only recently realizing it’s the face of my future, no matter how unplanned it might’ve been.
Brown eyes sink closed, a pained expression creasing his forehead. “Pen…”
Fuck.
I can tell he’s about to say no. Maybe make some kind of excuse not to answer at all. But even though I have no right to ask for a definitive answer, I need one. I need to know if we can ever go back to where we used to be. Or become something even better.
“Kee, you heard me. Yes or no?” I ask, imploring him to give it to me straight, yet terrified the answer might actually be no.
His throat works to swallow and he shakes his head, sorrow etched into his features. My stomach sinks at the sight before he even had the chance to get the words out.
“No, Pen. I can’t anymore.” He worries his bottom lip between his teeth the way he always does when he’s trying to keep his words to himself. I don’t have it in me to ask for them. They don’t belong to me anymore.
I must be a goddamn masochist though, because I can’t let it go. I can’t let him go. Not without giving it everything I can. Because at least if this is truly done and over, I can say I did everything in my power to make this right between us. At least I’d have the chance to speak the truth I’ve been too afraid to admit to not just Keene, but to myself.
You’re the unexpected inevitable.
The truth in those words is why I dig the knife in deeper, finding myself begging for him to kill me with yet another rejection. “Please, Kee. I’ll do anything.”
His jaw ticks and he shakes his head again. Another no.
And with it, another piece of my composure cracks.
It feels like my heart is fracturing within my chest. Fingers find themselves wrapped around his forearm this time, the contact spreading warmth through my entire body where his skin ignites beneath my palm.
Soft and warm and home and Keene.
“Please, baby.” My voice is barely a whisper over the pouring rain. “I have no right to ask for this from you. But please. Just one more time.”
“You don’t deserve it.”
“I know I don’t.”
“You’re lucky I’m even entertaining this right now.”
I nod sadly. “I know.”
He scoffs out a laugh. “You keep saying that, but I don’t think you do, Pen. Sometimes I swear you don’t remember that you weren’t the only one outed in front of thousands of people that day. I was too.” A grimace mars his face as he shakes his head, eyes full of so many emotions, I can’t possibly place them all. “And you wanna know what was worse than having that image flash up on the scoreboard without my knowledge? Watching you walk away from me like I meant nothing to you.”
Another crack forms within me. “I’m sorry. I’m so fucking sorry.”
Keene nods, his lips rolling into a thin line as he looks me over. His gaze moves over me like he’s seeing me for the first time. Like he has no clue who I am anymore, and the thought alone is enough to make my heart feel like it’s being torn from my chest.
“I forgive you,” he finally says, after the world’s most unbearable silence. “There’s no use in harboring anger or resentment toward you for something we can’t change.”
I swallow. “Why do I hear a but at the end of that sentence?”
“Because…” He lets out a sigh and rubs his forehead. “Because I can forgive you, but I can’t just forget it happened. You hurt me, Pen. And I didn’t just lose the guy I was sleeping with that day in the parking lot when you walked away from me. I also lost my best friend.”
“That wasn’t my intention. That’s why I’m here, asking this of you. Begging you. Daring you to show me what an idiot I was for ever walking away. Nothing is more important than you, fucking nothing.”
He smiles sadly. “Your pride. Your fears. Those were more important.”
“Not anymore.”
“I wish I could believe you.”
My eyes sink closed, a cool wind whipping over my exposed skin and making me shiver.
“I dare you to let me show you we can go back to how it was before.”
A look of surprise crosses his face before flickering into something like irritation. “Before we had sex? Before everyone found out? Before—”
“Before I was stupid enough to give up the only person who’s ever meant anything to me. I’m done running from this or fighting it. There’s no use anyway.” My heart catches in my throat. “It was always gonna be you and me in the end.”
When I expect his gaze to soften, it only hardens.
“There was a time I thought that too.”
No, no, no. I’m losing him.
“Then I dare you to do what I couldn’t. What you wanted all along.” I step closer, slide my hand down to weave my fingers through his. “Stay. Fight for this. For us. For what we had and what we both know we can be.”
He looks down at our entwined fingers, his jaw pulsing as he works to keep his emotions in check. Ones floating right under the surface when he meets my gaze again.
“There are just some things people can’t come back from. Wounds that’ll never fully heal. You broke me, Aspen. Ripped my fucking heart out of my chest where I stood. So I can’t just wait here forever, holding on to the hope you’ll figure it out and change. That’s literally insane.”
“Kee.” My free hand moves to cup the side of his face as I whisper his name. The anxiety and anger rippling through him is palpable, and it kills me, knowing I’m the reason behind it. The last thing I ever wanted to do was hurt him. The one thing I swore I’d never do.
He leans into my touch for the briefest second, eyes sinking closed.
“Let me go, Pen. Please, just let me go.”
I can’t.
No matter how much he wants me to, no matter how many times he begs for it. I know I can’t let him go. Not now, when I know what it’s like to live without the other half of me.
But I just might have to learn how. Indefinitely.
Goddamnit.
This isn’t the way I wanted to do this, but I’m out of options.
And if I know anything at all—if I’ve learned anything in the past few months without him—it’s that I’ll regret not putting everything I have on the line right now, while I still have the chance.
Which includes my heart.
Letting my hand slide around to the back of his neck, I tamp down the emotions threatening to break free. I push the fear away and put everything I have—heart and soul—on the line the way I would never dare with anyone before him.
For anyone but him.
“I dare you to let me love you the way you deserve to be loved. Wholly. Completely. And out in the open, where the world can see.” My throat constricts around the words, but I continue to push them out anyway. “I love you. I’m so stupidly in love with you. And I dare you to love me too.”
While he’s done his best to keep it together thus far, it’s three little words, eight letters too late, that cause a tear to slip free. It hits my palm, and I wipe it away with my thumb like that’s all it takes to make it so it never existed.
“I already did, Pen,” he whispers, voice mangled and raw. “But it wasn’t enough to make you stay.”
My forehead settles against his, both hands cupping his face now as regret fills the sliver of space between us.
“It was enough to bring me back to you. I’ll always come back to you, baby. Because you and me? This is it. The real deal. Just let me show you.”
I crowd into him closer, erasing any and all distance between us as I back him into the wall. Our wet clothes plaster us to each other, and the heat of his body radiating through them is the only thing keeping me warm anymore.
“You’ve seen me push people away, time and time again. Never letting them see me for who I really am because I was too afraid of giving them that kind of power. To know what makes me tick or how to hurt me, so I put on the armor.” My thumb brushes his lips, my attention locked on them as I speak. “But you’ve always known where the cracks were. Just like you’ve always known how to protect them. Fill them with pieces of yourself. And that’s what you did, baby. You made it impossible to live without you.”
The ache in my chest eases with every word pouring from my mouth, so I let them go. Give him every vulnerable part of myself that’s always been his to begin with.
“You’re the thing I can’t live without, and I’ll wait for, fight for, and chase you to the ends of the fucking Earth to prove it to you. So please, just tell me you’ll give me another chance. Please tell me I haven’t fucked up enough to lose the one person on this planet that was made for me, and me alone, to love.”
His fingers dig into my drenched shirt, grasping onto the fabric for dear life as the most agonized expression crosses his face. Never before have I seen someone this torn; completely shredded between their head and heart.
I know which finally wins when his grip loosens, and he pushes me away. His head shakes as he steps toward the door, but the image quickly blurs out of focus from the tears pooling in my eyes.
“I can’t,” he says, his voice grated as he glances away from me. “At least, not right now.”
My jaw ticks, and I clear my throat.
Fuck. Is this what it felt like for him three months ago? When I said no? When I walked away?
If it was even a fraction of the pain coursing through my entire being, I don’t blame him for saying he can’t or won’t let me back in. Because this pain? It’s fucking unbearable. It feels like an anvil was dropped on my chest, and I’m struggling to breathe. Yet breathing is the only thing I can do to survive.
“Okay,” I manage, clearing my throat again. “If that’s what you want. I understand.”
“It’s not a no, Pen. I just need time,” he whispers. “Please, just give me some time. Some space.”
Those are the last two things I want to give him right now, when we’re no closer to fixing this than we were the day I left. They feel like the most deadly combination in the world, extending the chasm of space already between us.
But if this is what he wants—what he needs—I’ll give it to him.
I’ll do whatever it takes.
