Three weeks have flown by since my conversation with Aspen outside my dorm. Twenty-one days since he sought me out and put everything on the line, not unlike how he dared me to use him as a sexual guinea pig. To explore what I now realize is my bisexuality.
The only difference between those conversations are the responses.
No, that’s a lie. So much more has changed since we first decided to see what this attraction between us really is.
He and I are both two completely different people than we were a few months ago, when this all started. We’ve grown closer. Together. Made discoveries about who we are and what we want and what it truly means to love someone with your entire being.
Well, at least I thought we had. Until he left me standing like an idiot on the diamond. Then again in the parking lot.
And then ran away like a fucking coward for two entire months.
I realize I can’t stay mad at him forever. Especially knowing, while we might not live together this term, there’s a good chance I’ll run into him at some point on campus. Even if Foltyn College is a massive school, and I know the spots he frequents to create a mental no-go zone, it’s still not big enough to avoid coincidental run-ins.
So to prepare for that, I shut down any feelings I still had for him. Put them in a box in the back of my mind and threw that damn key away. And I was ready for the moment I had to see him again. Or so I thought.
Then I ran up to that goddamn building to find him standing there, looking sexy as ever and soaking wet. Skin slightly tanned the way he only gets in the summer, and those damn blue eyes looking at me the way I was only able to dream of for two entire months.
And that was all it took. Seeing him again instantly reawakened every emotion I tried to lock down, and it took everything in my power not to run straight to him the second our eyes locked. In that moment, I realized no corner of my mind would ever be far enough away to completely erase the love I have for him.
Yet, somehow, I managed to keep my distance.
My brain was smart enough not to trust the battered heart still struggling to beat in my chest. Even if being near him made it feel a little more whole again.
So I asked for space. For time, despite hearing everything I’ve ever wanted come barreling out of that smartass mouth. Including those three words. The ones I’ve felt for no one else but him.
Three weeks might not seem like much time. But it was enough.
Which brings me to where I am right now, on this beautiful mid-September morning. Standing outside the apartment Aspen rented for the year.
My fist raps on the door in time with the pounding of my pulse. It hammers beneath my skin, sending adrenaline rushing through my veins. But it’s not fear I’m feeling, but anticipation. To finally make this right between us. To claim him as mine, and tell him every goddamn thing I feel for him. Every stupid, reckless emotion that lives inside me are ones only he’s capable of making me feel, and I’m ready to embrace them.
If only he’d open the damn door.
I knock again, louder this time. But as seconds tick into minutes, the adrenaline I was feeling quickly turns into disappointment.
Of course he’s not home. That’s my fucking luck, isn’t it?
Just when I go to turn around and make my walk back to campus, the door is pulled inward and Aspen appears in the doorway.
Shirtless, with only a towel wrapped around his waist.
A slight nagging feeling ripples through my gut as I take him in. It quickly turns into fear, thinking someone else is in there, and that’s what took him so long to answer the door. And though the thought should be quickly dismissed by the water dripping from his wet hair or still coating part of his chest—clearly from a shower—it doesn’t. It only makes it worse.
But damnit, if my stupid fucking heart doesn’t also soar at the sight of him.
I’m a lovestruck fool when it comes to Aspen Kohl.
“Hi.” He breathes the word out on an exhale, blinking a couple times as he looks at me. Hell, he probably thinks he’s imagining me standing here. Can’t really blame him, what with the radio silence he’s been receiving each time he’s sent me a text over the past few weeks.
Usually they said good morning. Sometimes a check in or thinking about you in the middle of the day or a photo of whatever he’s working on in class.
But every single night? He sends me a single text with three words in it.
I love you.
Every. Fucking. Night.
As if I needed the reminder of how he felt about me. Pretty sure his declaration that night outside my dorm has been playing on a permanent loop since I left him outside on the stoop to brave the rain alone.
Part of me still doesn’t believe it actually happened. Like I just dreamed it up somehow.
Maybe that’s why he sends the text every night. To make sure I know it’s real. After all, there’s no mistaking the words when they’re typed out, plain as day.
A smile takes over his face as he stares at me, the dimple below his mouth popping as he does. But the unease in my gut from his state of undress has me in knots, no matter the look on his face. Or the way he said hi, sounding just as disgustingly in love with me as I am with him.
But that’s just it.
He loves me. He told me he did. He wouldn’t tell me he loves me, only to turn around and fuck someone else. There’s no way in hell.
Right?
I clear my throat, fiddling with the hat resting backward on my head as I glance away from him. “If you’re busy, I can come back later.”
Aspen’s face falls for a moment, confusion painting his features. “Why would I be busy?”
I motion to him and his current state of practically naked, and his eyes dart down. His head shakes, and a smirk is on his face once again, eyes dancing in delight as they come back up to meet my gaze.
“I just got back from a run. Was in the shower when I heard you knock on the door.”
Oh.
It should’ve been the logical assumption from the towel and water still beaded on his skin, but my mind ran away with the worst possibilities all the same.
I roll my teeth over my lip and nod, ignoring the slight flush of embarrassment heating my cheeks and ears. At least Aspen doesn’t call me out on it when he notices. And I have no doubt he does from the way those damn blue eyes dance, but I’m still grateful.
“Then can I come in?”
“Yeah. Of course.” He steps out of the way, letting me slip past him into the apartment.
It looks just as I remember it. We picked it out together last spring, just before we went to the coast, and when I turn back to look at him as he towels off his hair a little more, my chest aches a little.
At what could’ve been.
At what still can be.
God. My mind is all over the place right now. Torn in two different directions. Because on one hand, we need to talk. Really figure shit out. But all I want is to strip that towel from his body and make that shower he took completely pointless.
The real trick is knowing where to start.
“Place looks nice,” I say awkwardly, and what the fuck? Why am I acting like a nervous imbecile right now? What is it about this guy—my goddamn best friend—that’s got me losing every viable brain cell.
His tongue darts out over his bottom lip, and he gives me his dimpled smile again, but this time, it’s almost sheepish. “It’d be a lot nicer if you were living here too, like we’d planned.”
A weird sound comes from the back of my throat. Something between a squeak and a cough.
“Uh, yeah,” I respond. Again, just as awkwardly.
Oh, Jesus Christ. Someone take me out back and put me outta my misery.
Like always, Pen reads my damn mind and takes pity on me. “I take it you’re not here to just shoot the shit?” He moves deeper into the apartment to the kitchen, adjusting the towel on his hips. His tone is light, but the way he moves is rigid. Tense.
Hell.
I’m here to tell you I don’t need time anymore, but I’m screwing it up before I can even get more than two sentences out.
I let out a deep breath and shake my head. The tension in the room damn near triples when I do, Pen’s back and shoulders going stiff as the action registers in his brain.
“Well.” He sighs, turning to lean back against the island. His arms flex as he crosses them across his bare chest. “I guess there’s no use beating around the bush.”
There’s a tinge of defeat in his tone as he speaks, and I watch as he begins shutting down and figuratively curling into himself before my eyes. It’s written in his body language, completely obvious in his face.
That’s when I realize…
He thinks I’m here to end this. For good. That I’m here to tell him no, I won’t give him another chance. I can’t love him or trust him after what happened.
He thinks he’s lost me.
The look of sheer desolation on his face is enough to bring me to my knees. And if I thought for one goddamn second he didn’t love me, his expression alone would’ve been more than enough to change my mind.
“I wanted to let you know I, uh…have some ground rules.” My teeth roll over my bottom lip while I think. I honestly didn’t put much thought into what I really wanted from him other than just…him. But I’m smart enough to know I can’t dive right back into this without some things changing between us beforehand. “Because if you want this? And I mean really, truly want this? Then I need some reassurance.”
His arms fall to his sides, eyes widening a fraction. Just as quickly, he wipes the surprise from his features and nods. “Okay. Name them. I’m all ears.” There’s a short pause before he adds, “I’ll give you whatever you want, Kee. Anything.”
God. Where do I even start?
My moment of hesitation has him moving toward me again, but before he can reach me, I hold my palm up. It has the desired effect, causing him to stop a couple feet from me with a frown creasing his forehead.
“I can barely think right now as it is,” I tell him. “The last thing I need is you touching me.”
A small, frustrated huff leaves him. When I meet his gaze, those blue eyes are blazing with a mix of emotions. Lust. Anticipation. Excitement. But the one missing?
Fear.
It’s enough to have my mouth dropping open, letting a glorious display of word vomit seep out without much thought.
“No more hiding. The whole coming out process happened, even if we didn’t want it to, and since it has, I have no plans to keep this a secret. I wanna hold your hand on campus. Kiss you whenever I feel like it, in front of whoever the hell is around. And I wanna do those things without worrying you’ll cringe or pull away from me.”
He licks his lips and nods. “Easy. I want the whole fucking world to know you’re mine, Kee. The same way I’m yours.”
My heart strains inside my chest, doing its best to reach across the room to find its other half. But my head still needs more from him.
“You don’t get to make decisions about us on your own. We talk about shit and work through things together. If we do this, I’m your partner. Your equal, in every way that counts.”
“Done.”
My stomach rolls as the next one comes to mind.
“I can’t handle more rejection from you, Pen. I can’t handle loving you and losing you all over again. So if there’s even the slightest chance you’re gonna back out of this down the road, I need you to say something now. Let me go, and let me be. Because I’m giving you the power to hurt me all over again, and I wanna know my heart is safe with you.”
I watch as he works to swallow before clearing his throat. His jaw ticks tightly and he nods. For whatever reason, I’m surprised again with how quickly he’s agreeing to my terms and conditions.
“I’m in this. For the long haul.” Emotion rattles in his voice, making it shake uneasily. “Until we’re both old and gray and can’t get our dicks up, let alone ride one.” A short laugh breaks past my lips, and he smiles at me, flashing that dimple. “Living without you isn’t an option anymore, Keene. It never really was.”
Elation takes over me, but confusion takes over when he asks, “So what else?”
“What?”
“For your list of demands. What else is there?”
“Uh…” I chuckle ruefully. “I think that’s all of them? Were you hoping for more?”
He shakes his head, his grin turning sly. “No, not at all. I just thought for sure no smoking would make the list somewhere.”
I wanna laugh, because at this point, that’s one of the lowest priorities. My only priority is making sure he doesn’t completely destroy my heart all over again. So instead, I just shrug. “I can’t ask you to be perfect.”
“Good thing you don’t have to ask, because I already quit.”
My brows raise in suspicion. “Since when?”
“Since the day you crushed my pack in your hands and told me if I walked away, there’s no coming back.” One hand reaches up to run through his hair nervously, and if saved by the damn bell, his phone buzzes on the counter. He makes a move to silence it, but just before the screen goes black, I swear I see—
“Was that…”
Aspen’s brows furrow as I cross over to him, grabbing his phone from the counter. He doesn’t try to make a grab for it, probably under the assumption I wanted to see who was calling him. In reality, I couldn’t give a shit about who it was.
What I care about is—
Fuck.
His lock screen. It’s the picture of the two of us from our trip to the beach. The same one that outed us at my game. Him in my arms, kissing each other like it’s the only way we can breathe.
But why…
“You’re probably confused, right?” he says with a soft laugh, and when I glance up to his face again, I find him watching me intently.
“A bit,” I admit, entering his passcode.
And sure enough, the picture is his background too.
“It’s one of my favorite pictures I’ve ever taken,” he starts, grabbing the phone from my hand to look at it. A smile, small enough that his dimple stays hidden, crosses his face. “But for a while, I couldn’t look at it. It only reminded me of the day a massive choice was taken from us by it being put up on that screen without our consent. A memory of when I wasn’t strong enough to stand beside you.” He swallows harshly and clears his throat, but it’s still lined with gravel when he goes to speak more. “Yet the moment it captured was the same moment I fell in love with you. Or, at least where I realized the love I’ve always felt for you shifted into something more. Something I never knew I wanted. Something I was stupid to give up in the first place.”
I bite down on my tongue to keep from saying anything, and instead try to focus on not blurting out that I love him too. Even when I feel the heat of his skin against my palm when he reaches down to squeeze my hand tightly.
The world starts to disappear around me, blurring at the edges as my emotions well in my eyes. I can’t help it. I feel like I’m being ripped apart. Torn between wanting to take things slow—if only for the sake of my heart—and mauling him right here in the kitchen, consequences be damned.
“I want you to know I’m done keeping secrets or hiding what I’m feeling from you. About you. For you. It was a fool’s effort to try to begin with, because you’ve always known my heart better than anyone else.” His voice thickens. “You and me, Kee. It’s always been you and me.”
He repeats those words he told me weeks ago outside the dorm. The ones that prove this—us—was inevitable. I realize now, he’s right. We were always gonna end up here, because there’s no one in the world Aspen trusts with his heart. Except me.
Before, it was just to see it and know what lies within it.
Now, I get to own every inch of it.
He’s made damn sure of it too. Because every demand I’ve listed…fuck, he didn’t flinch. No second guessing. Just a simple yes to every one of them. Knowing him as well as I do tells me he probably knew them all before they were even spoken out loud. And he made sure he could handle it before he even came to find me weeks ago.
“You sure there’s nothing else?”
My attention moves back to his face, and the way he’s looking at me has my stomach doing barrel rolls and cartwheels galore.
Emotion. Love. Lust. It’s all written there, in plain sight.
God, when did the roles between us change?
I’ve always been the one to wear my heart on my sleeve. To let people see right inside me, even when I shouldn’t. Except, right now, that’s exactly what he’s doing, and I’m the one holding back. Staying guarded.
But if this is gonna work? I have to meet him half-way. And I have to give him everything he’s willing to give me, no matter how fucking terrifying it might be.
“Actually, there is.”
A brief flash of worry flickers over his features before he schools them. “Okay,” he says slowly.
My thumb moves absently over his skin where our hands are connected, the action calming me enough to make the jump.
“I love you too.”
Aspen blinks at me for a second before his brain catches up. The second it does, he beams and grips the back of my neck with one hand, my waist with the other, and hauls me flush against him. “Never in my life have I been happier to hear four words come outta your mouth.”
Then he crashes his lips to mine in a kiss so passionate and powerful, I feel it all the way in my toes. I’ve never felt more alive or at home than I do at this moment, and it’s all because of him.
“You and me,” I whisper against his lips before taking them again, more hurriedly this time. Aspen takes the lead though, spinning us so my ass is pushed against the counter and he’s caging me in. Daring me to try to break free.
As if I’m not exactly where I want to be.
Our mouths fuse together down to the molecular level, allowing our tongues to tangle and mate. He brands his words, his promises, into my heart and soul with every brush of his hands through my hair and press of his hips into mine. And I tell him how much I’ve missed him, how much I love him, with every swipe of my tongue against his or soft caress of my fingers across his heated skin.
If I have a say in what happens next, I’m about to use every inch of my body to show him both of those things too.
