“HEY, SPENCE,” I answer, rubbing crusties from my eyes. It’s still pitch black in our room, but that doesn’t mean a thing. Our cabin is in the center of the ship, with no windows. If not for my alarm clock and godsons ensuring I get out of bed each day, I’d probably sleep the whole week away.
“Gi…Don’t tell me you were still asleep. It’s after nine. Don’t y’all have ziplining today?”
Yawn. “Yep. I was just about to get up and wake the kids. We meet at the port at half past ten.”
“You sound like you had a late night?” Spence teases.
Did I ever. After my pussy took a pounding riding fucking horses in Belize yesterday, Jeff beat it to a pulp when he nailed me behind a row of stacked chairs once the main deck cleared out last night. I don’t know how the hell I’ll handle the harness between my legs today. “Yeah, Jeff and I hung out in the comedy club then met back up and uh…” I shine my phone toward the bunks to see if the kids are still sleeping, “hooked up,” I whisper, “after we got the kids to sleep.”
My best friend clears her throat loudly. “You and Jeff sure have been doing a lot of hooking up on this trip.”
“Stop,” I hiss. “It’s convenient. And he has the biggest penis I’ve ever seen.”
“You sure this isn’t more than sex?”
No. “Yes,” I lie. “I told you…Landon is seeing his older daughter, and the other is trying to trap Savage into marriage. We’re together most of the time, and I like his penis…a lot.”
“I miss Coop’s penis,” my best friend whines into the phone.
“Quit,” I growl. “What did I tell you about talking to me about his dick? We’re like siblings. It’s fucking weird, Spencer.”
“But you love talking about penises.”
“Not his!”
“But bestie, you’re the only person I can complain to.” Oh man, here come the horny tears. “I still have five more weeks of no sex, which means it will be at least three before I can convince him to fuck me. I’m dying.”
“Oh damn, look at the time…I gotta get these kids up and ready to go.”
“You’re a terrible friend.”
I glance back over to the sleeping pile of her children and roll my eyes. “The worst. Now go make out with your husband or something while I take your children to have some fun.”
A loud sob nearly pierces my eardrum, and I yank the phone away. “Oh, God. I’m sorry, Gigi. You’re the best friend in the whole world. I didn’t even mean that.”
“I know. I’m used to you and your post-baby, orgasm-deprived ass by now. No worries.”
“I love you, Gina.”
“Love you too, bestie.” After smooching my lips at her a few times I end the call, then round up my troops and head out to meet the Ryans, who happen to be on the same excursion as us today.
§
“Hello, everyone! My name is Rafiki, and I am going to make sure you have the time of your lives here at Family Zipline Tours of Roatan. You did the right thing booking your excursion with us.” His Jamaican-style accent and box braids make me smile. It feels so Caribbean. “Children under five years will go over there.” Rafiki points to a kid-sized obstacle course with zip lines that can’t be but four to five feet from the ground. “We have lots of island mamas to watch over your little ones and ensure they have a safe and fun time.”
Savage of course groans, loudly. “Ugh. Why can’t I come on the big ones with you? I’m not a baby.”
“You’ll be big enough next time. It’s a good thing you met Willow though. You’ll have a friend to play with.” I try to sound encouraging, but all he does is roll his eyes.
“Yeah, husban, you getta pway wif me.” Willow takes Kyle by the arm and begins pulling him toward the group of women who’ve just arrived to fetch them.
“Kyle?” Jeff calls and the two little ones spin back around. “Will you look out for Willow for me? You’re very mature for your age, and she doesn’t like being around strangers.”
Kyle’s face brightens considerably, and he nods, giving the CEO a thumbs up.
“Thank you for that,” I say watching my little man puff up his chest and walk over to join the guides with his pride back intact.
“It was nothing,” Jeff says, shrugging me off. “He just needed his big-boyhood stroked a little.”
“What about you?” I ask, snickering.
“What about me?” Jeff leans in close, his breath hot against my ear. I can smell the cinnamon in his Big Red gum. I want to grab his face and eat it, but the kids are around, and that would be horribly inappropriate.
“Do you need your big-boyhood stroked as well?”
“Eww, Aunt Gina!” Lake shouts, causing every head in our group to turn in my direction. Guess that didn’t come out as quiet as I thought.
Jeff’s body vibrates next to mine with the force of his laughter as I tuck my head into his shoulder.
“Can I help you with something?” Rafiki pauses his safety speech to ask.
“No, sir. Sorry. Gina here has really bad gas and just let one rip. You know teen boys.” Jeff shrugs pointing with his thumb to Lake and Landon and everyone giggles.
“Great!” I grumble. “Thanks for that. Now I’ll be known as fart girl the whole trip.”
§
“Are you sure this thing won’t drop me?” I ask the guide as he straps my harness to the zippy thingie. I’m the last in our crew, and in hindsight, I probably should have gone first, because watching them all fly over the jungle has done nothing to settle my nerves. In fact, it may have made it worse. I could be having a heart attack. “Is it normal for my heart to beat this fast?” I ask the man, who’s getting a kick out of my fear.
“Ma’am, you just watched your children and husband do it. You will be fine.”
My wha? “He’s not my husbaaaa—” My stomach plummets to my toes as I’m sent flying a hundred feet over a ravine. The rush of the wind is smothering me. I can’t freaking breathe. Oh God. No. No, no, no. A sudden and extreme urge to urinate has me twisting my ankles together. Will this fucking thing ever reach the other end?
“Oh my God,” Lake yells when I’m about halfway across the line. “Did she just pee? Guys, I think she peed!”
Warm urine trickles down my crossed legs, saturating my socks and the insides of my shoes. As if that isn’t bad enough, I’m so shocked that I let go of the fucking rope and flip upside down. I’m now dangling in a harness by my beat-up, traitorous pussy, the remaining drops of pee working down my body with the force of gravity, splashing on my lip. I’m screaming and flailing, which is probably not the best course of action. Closing my eyes, I try to keep perfectly still so I don’t wiggle my way out of the harness that right now is literally my lifeline.
When I finally make it all the way across, there are tears streaming down my face, or hell, it could even be pee. At this point, who knows? This is truly the most frightening experience of my life, and all of these motherfuckers are laughing. “What the hell is wrong with y’all?” I shout. “I could have died! What if I’d slipped out of that harness? Huh? Would it be so funny then?”
The tour guide at the landing helps me back upright and unclips me from the zipper. “I’m never doing that shit again,” I announce, pushing past the guys.
“I have an extra change of clothes in my bag…if you’d like to change,” Evangeline offers.
“I love you, sweet child. I would kiss you, but my lips are full of piss. Got any wipes in that fanny pack of yours?”
“Well, at least one good thing will come of this,” Jeff announces.
“What’s that?” I ask, grabbing a handful of wipes to clean my face.
He worries his bottom lip between his teeth, mulling over whether or not he should say whatever smartass thing is running through that head of his. Of course, he makes the wrong decision. “I think it’s safe to say you no longer have to worry about being known as fart girl.”
