Three days. I’ve been thinking about whether or not to confront my grandfather for three days. Part of me thinks it won’t matter, but a larger part of me is refusing to go down without a fight. I hesitate in front of his office door, but this just isn’t something I can let go.
Grandpa is seated behind his large mahogany desk, the scent of the cigars he loves so much permeating the air. He looks up when I close the door behind me, his expression guarded.
When did he stop smiling when he sees me? When I was a little girl, this was my favorite room in the whole world, because it’s where my granddad always was. He was my hero. I might have grown up without a father, but Grandpa made sure I never felt the loss. He was always there. He attended every ballet performance and every violin recital when I was little, and when I grew older and started to choose science fairs over the dancing and acting classes my mother tried to force me to go to, it was Grandpa that sided with me. He and I were always on the same side, a united front. When did that change?
“You’re sabotaging me.”
He drops his pen and sighs as he looks up at me. The way he looks at me hurts. That expression… it’s like I’m a nuisance, like I’m wasting his time. Maybe I am. It’s highly doubtful he’ll change his mind after all.
“Why would you do that to me? Why would you stop me from finding an investor for my company? I’m not asking you for your support because you’ve made it clear you won’t give me that, and I’m certainly not asking you for money either. So why? Why are you actively trying to sabotage me? I’m your granddaughter. Shouldn’t you want to see me succeed?”
Grandpa crosses his arms over his chest and stares at me in silence, the way he used to when I was throwing a tantrum as a child. Is that what he thinks this is? Does he think my company is my way of rebelling?
I run a hand through my hair and inhale shakily. “I’m trying so hard to stand on my own two feet, Grandpa. I’m trying my best to be independent, to grow a company by myself. I’m trying to chase my dreams and I’m working my ass off to do it. Why would you not want this for me? I get you not supporting me, but why would you try to curb my growth?”
“Amara, how long are you going to keep this up? I worked to grow our business for most of my life, and I’ll be damned if I watch you throw your inheritance away over some silly company. I agree that there’s a lot of money to be made in adult toys, but if that’s what you want to do, you can easily purchase a few existing companies and grow the Astor business that way. You and Adrian are my heirs, Amara. You need to get your shit together and start learning how to run our business, because your cousin has no intention of returning to the States to help you. That little company of yours will not prepare you. I worked for years to grow our business into what it is. I’ve paved a clear path for you and for generations to come. I worked as hard as I did so you don’t have to, Amara. The last thing I want to do is see you struggle the way I did, when there’s a road to success ahead of you that most would kill for.”
“Grandpa… you’ve never asked me what I want to do, you know? You’ve always assumed that I’d naturally learn to fill your shoes, but I can’t. I’m not like you. I’m much more comfortable in a lab, inventing products, utilizing my creativity. I’m not a leader. I never will be, and I’m okay with that. It doesn’t mean that I won’t be successful. It just means I won’t be the next you.”
“Not a leader,” he repeats, looking away in disgust. “You can learn, Amara — and you will. You must. I’ve never asked anything of you but this. You need to learn how to manage the company. Gregory will help you once you’re married.”
I shake my head, wishing there was a way to make him see. “Grandpa, I won’t ever marry Gregory. I won’t. I have dreams of my own that I want to pursue. I’m not asking you to support me, I’m just asking that you don’t stand in my way.”
He stares at me, his disappointment evident. “You’ll give up on those dreams when you realize how hard life really is — but by the time that happens I might not be here anymore, Amara. I won’t be there to teach you all you need to know. Stop this foolishness. I didn’t work myself to the bone only for you to now abandon all we’ve got. You’re not a child anymore and I’m done entertaining you. You want to follow your dreams? You’ll do so without my support, and without those in my network. It won’t take you long to realize that the dreams you have are a luxury, one you can’t afford without me and all I’ve built.”
He picks his pen back up and stares down at his documents, silently dismissing me. I don’t know what I expected when I came in here. I knew he wouldn’t budge, and I knew he’d never even attempt to see things from my point of view.
He won’t let me deviate from the path he thinks I should walk. He’s never going to let me build a future of my own choosing.
Part of me worries that he’s right, that I’ll eventually end up caving. Someday I might find myself sitting behind his desk, and it wouldn’t be a bad life. Far from it. It just wouldn’t be the one I chose for myself, and the thought of that scares me.
I’m not the right person to take over from him. I’m not smart enough, and I’m definitely not a leader. I can’t be his heir. I’m not qualified. I’m not like my cousin Adrian — who doesn’t want the job either. At least he’s well-equipped for it. I’m not.
I can’t command people the way my grandfather does. I’m good at what I do. I’m an excellent researcher and an even better engineer… but a leader? That’s something I’ll never be, and eventually Grandpa will have to face that fact.
