“you’re fucking with my head so shamelessly”—Hoping by Alycia Marie
She’s wearing it.
Sofia is wearing the necklace. My necklace. The very one I gave her and said to never take off.
Guilt tugs on to my heart when I realize how happy this makes me, knowing fully well I haven’t worn mine in years. And she’s wearing hers still. Even after all these years.
I shower and get dressed in record time. For once, I don’t even wait until everyone else has showered, one thing I usually do because I cannot shower with people around.
As soon as I wear the most necessary clothes—shirt, pants, and shoes—I’m out the door. So is Miles, but he has a whole other reason to leave as quick as possible.
And yet our destination is the same.
“Will you be there tonight?” I ask Miles as we race down the hall toward the exit of the arena. Even though it’s Monday, the guys are meeting up for drinks tonight at Brites. Call it the celebration-of-a-new-week drinking.
Miles shakes his head. “No. I promised Brooke a movie night. And you know how much I hate leaving her in the hands of a stranger.”
True. And he certainly can’t bring her to the bar. Guess we’ll see a lot less of Miles from now on. Or not. He’s our best friend after all. That means parties will from now on be held at our houses. At least team-celebratory parties. Nothing too wild. One has to keep a certain four-year-old in mind.
Lily and Sofia are standing right outside of the arena. My sister has little Brooke in her arms, trying to soothe her as she’s crying. And just like that, Miles is out the door even faster than I could blink.
As soon as I make my way out as well, I hear Miles say, “What happened?” when he takes his daughter from my sister.
I don’t wait to hear an answer even though I’m interested to find out why she’s upset. I don’t have the time to find out because the person I’m desperate to talk to is making her way across the parking lot to get away as fast as possible.
“Sofia!” I yell after her, but she ignores me. Not sure why the hell she would ignore me now. I haven’t done anything to her, and I truly just want to talk.
Catching up with her isn’t going to be difficult, though I do have to say, she seems to be quite the fast walker. I actually have to jog after her instead of taking bigger steps only.
“Sofia,” I repeat the second I reach her, laying my hand on her shoulder to stop her from walking. She tenses at my touch and doesn’t turn around. It’s as though she is praying that if she doesn’t react, I’ll just go away.
Tough luck, that’s not how I handle things.
“Let me drive you home,” I offer, walking around her so we would be standing face to face.
“My uncle offered to pick me up.” Her lips twitch at her obvious lie.
Why does she have to be so stubborn? I just want to talk to her about the necklace.
If she is still wearing it, do you think she is still hoping that one day we’d end up together like I promised we would?
I’ll admit, she was the first girl I ever been interested in, even after she moved away. I had to force myself not to follow up on her on social media for my very own sanity.
Truth be told, around the age of fourteen, my father was seconds away from sending me off to a doctor to figure out what the hell was wrong with me. I refused to let go off Sofia, even years later. I still held on to the thought of us together, still dreamed of seeing her again.
Eventually I had to give her up though. Not voluntarily, but I had to. It was better for me.
Whatever Sofia had planted inside of my brain when we were kids, it made sure to fuck with me. I barely even wanted to spend time with people outside of school or hockey practice. Especially girls.
I wasn’t interested in girls because there was only one that I was interested in. The same one that was living across the ocean and hadn’t talked to me in years.
And now that I finally let go of the thought of us, she’s here. She is here to fuck with my brain all over again.
But I won’t let this happen. She’s just here for a couple of months and then she’ll be back in Germany. She’ll go back to her friends, her family. We will be apart once again.
Digging up feelings that I know will be there if I look hard enough won’t do me any good. Hell, I don’t even have to search for said feelings, they’ll be there on a fucking shrine I built.
Talk about obsessions; she’s mine. Has always been and I doubt I’ll ever stop obsessing over her.
That might not be very healthy but it’s not like I would ever try to force Sofia into my life or keep mine on hold. Well, I no longer keep mine on hold for her.
“Please, let me drive you home, Sofia.” I know she doesn’t have a car here. I mean, she barely found a place to stay, and I doubt her aunt lets her borrow the only car she has to get to school or anywhere, really. Which means Sofia is most likely using public transport.
Using public transport isn’t a bad thing. Not at all. But she’s here because I asked her to be, so driving her home is the least I could do.
“I wanted to pay my mother a visit. Since you live next to her, it’s more than convenient.” Like I ever planned on visiting that godawful thing of a human being. Guess I am now.
Sofia looks away from me, her head tilting up to the sky as she lets out a sigh. “Alright, but only because you’re heading there anyway.” I wasn’t.
I gesture toward my car, refraining from commenting anything, just in case that would make her run away.
Only when we’re in my car, doors locked with no way for Sofia to escape can I talk to her about the necklace.
So when we’re both seated and, on the road, I carefully ease into the conversation. “You’re still wearing the necklace.” Or not so careful after all.
“I always wear a necklace,” she says. “I was studying, forgot the time and had to rush out the door. It was the only one I could find.”
“Ah, yeah. I, too, would rather wear a necklace with a Lego pendant than not wear one for a couple of hours.” She might be able to fool other people with that excuse, but not me.
One wouldn’t just choose to wear a necklace that used to have a great meaning to two people, right? Plus, we have to take in consideration that Sofia’s belongings are in Germany. She chose to take the necklace with her to the U.S.
I mean, I keep mine around as well. I have it at home in my nightstand, waiting to be worn again. But I couldn’t bring myself to do it. The meaning behind the necklace, the value it has… it’s nothing I would wear again just for the sake of wearing a necklace.
“What does it even matter, Aaron?” she asks, not bothering to even look at me. I couldn’t look back at her as I have to keep my eyes on the road, but she could at least try to show some interest in me. “It’s a necklace.”
“A necklace I gave you.”
“I’ve received multiple necklaces as presents over the years, it’s not that big of a deal.”
But it is. “Yeah? And did everyone else promise you to come after you once they’re old enough? Did everyone else promise they’d you’d be the only one for them when they gave you their present?”
“You were eight. You barely knew what the words you said meant.”
Perhaps she’s right. Still, they meant something to me.
