Have you ever wanted to know how many times a nineteen-year-old girl can cry in a week? Apparently, a lot. Since I’ve met Miles, I’ve had more emotion breakdowns than I’ve had my whole life. That’s a lot compared to the week of my first skating competition when I was six.
When Kennedy called, I thought she was trying to tell me about more comments on our posts, trying to shield me from the mean ones, like she has been for the past few months. But the softness in her tone told me immediately that was not the case. Naturally, when I started to watch video, I also started to freak out. I knew I couldn’t be there and listen to a lame-ass excuse when I was so torn up about it. The constant tightening and anxiety developed into nausea, and I had to leave. When I get home, Kennedy and Scarlett are already there with wide arms, ready to spend the rest of the day trying to help me forget what I saw. What everyone else has seen by now.
“I’m so sorry, babe,” Scarlett says, bringing over a cup of hot chocolate with whipped cream and marshmallows. My favourite. I hold the cup between my cold hands and take a generous sip.
“Tell you what it is? He’s a Leo. It’s the only thing that makes sense. Do you know what his rising is?” Kennedy asks, eating dry Cheerio’s in her beanbag. I roll my eyes and try and rack my brain to remember it.
“I think he’s a Leo rising but I don’t see how that’s-”
“Hmm,” she cuts me off, looking at me thoughtfully. “Double Leo? Not good.”
I laugh a little at her adamancy and Scarlett throws her a strange look before moving to turn to me on the couch. She props her leg up and leans against the headrest.
“How are you feeling?” Scarlett asks.
“I don’t know, honestly.”
That day after we slept together for the first time, I knew running away was a bad idea, but I had to clear my head. It was everything I could have wanted but it was also frightening. Taking that step with someone isn’t just an easy thing. Especially when you’re in a fake relationship. I didn’t expect to find him drunk in the middle of the day with an old lady. The last thing I thought is that he would spill all of our private information to a hype-thirsty teenager.
Mason Greer has been trolling the internet for the past two years and everybody across the country knows who he is. He used to post embarrassing videos of kids in a grocery stores and Karen’s in malls but then he started to get high off the fame and started humiliating anything and anyone. Any opportunity he got to make a meme and to blast someone online, he went for it. He’s exposed many cheating scandals at schools he doesn’t even go to because people are stupid enough to talk to him, to confide in him, and not expect him to post about it. There are only a few pictures of him online but he’s not very distinguishable.
In the video, Miles is sat in the bar, clearly unaware of who he’s talking to and he’s babbling. About me. At first, I thought it was fine. Sure, it’ll be a little embarrassing but sort of cute. But then he couldn’t stop talking and showing pictures and videos of us. Pictures and videos that I thought were only between us. In most of the photos, I have some sort of clothing on but in others I might as well have been naked. It was fine when I heard him speaking about our relationship, how fun it was and then he said that he loved me.
He said that he loved me, but I didn’t love him back.
He said that I was incapable of doing it and made it seem like I was this evil monster who didn’t love this sweet puppy back.
We’ve been back in Salt Lake for over a month now, but the video only surfaced now because people started to identify him, and it spread around NU. I would have been fine if I didn’t look into the comments to see what people were saying about me and about the situation.
MeganDraya45: Who wouldn’t love hi? He’s so sweet.
BradenMoutbatten99: Who’s the girl? The pics are hot.
HSLOT224LIFE: OMG! He’s so cute. He needs to dumb his gf ASAP, no Rocky.
TayTay34: She must be insane not to love him. I don’t even know him and I’d protect him with my life.
NathanGrey12: I’m starting a petition to get him a new gf.
“If anything, this is more embarrassing for him than it is for you,” Scarlett says.
“Is it?” I reply, laughing. “This whole thing makes me look like a bitch. The pictures were a little embarrassing but it’s not as bad as Miles saying that I’m incapable of loving him.”
“Well, do you? Love him, I mean,” Scarlett asks cautiously.
“I don’t know. I like being around him, sure. I like talking to him and the sex is fucking fantastic, but I don’t know if love is the right word. Love means dependency, it means commitment and it’s something that could tie us together. I don’t know if I want that.”
“Sounds like love to me,” Kennedy sighs in a strange country accent.
“So, what are you saying? Don’t you want those things with him?” Scarlett asks sceptically.
“I guess but not now. We work well together as friends, first and foremost. The physical stuff is fun and it’s exciting but I’m just afraid that if this merges into one thing it’ll fizzle out. We’ll burn ourselves out.”
“Only way is to try, my love,” Scarlett says.
“How can I try after this? No one is going to take me seriously again. I already went down after nationals and qualifiers are coming up,” I ramble, talking with my hands.
“Yeah, no distractions for Amelia,” she says in a gruff haunting voice. She salutes me and I nod back at her.
“That’s right,” I say proudly.
“Even if it is with someone you really really like,” Scarlett murmurs.
“But that someone is a double Leo. I, personally, would not put all my eggs in that basket,” Kennedy says with a shrug.
“Yeah, and what’s Harry?” I challenge while she chews on more Cheerio’s.
“How are things going with you two? You’ve been very secretive about that,” Scarlett asks curiously, turning away from me. Kennedy pauses her chewing, making a silly face before continuing.
“Things were doing okay until he gave me the ick,” Kennedy shudders.
“What did he do? Is he a double Leo like Miles?” I say hauntingly.
“He’s an Aries which makes sense. But the ick is worse than that,” she groans, throwing her head back.
“Oh gosh, what could possibly be worse,” Scarlett says rolling her eyes. She nudges me with her foot to look at Kennedy who has pulled her wild hair into her face. “What is it?”
She makes a loud groan as she moves the hair from her face before sitting up, looking at us with reddened cheeks and furrowed eyebrows. She crosses her arms, painting on a serious expression.
“So, we were in the den at his house, playing ping pong. Because I’m such an amazing player, I completely caught him off guard and the ball went flying over to his side,” she begins before screaming into her hands again. “Then he chased after it. Like, on all fours, scurrying after this tiny ball. It was tragic.”
Scarlett and I look at each other before we burst out laughing till my stomach hurts. It feels good to laugh like this. The reason why Kennedy has stayed single for so long is because she can be turned off by guys so quickly. The second she seems them do the walk back from bowling or holding their nose when they jump into a pool, she’s completely uninterested. To her, once she’s got the ick, there is no turning back.
“You’re so dramatic,” I say when my laughter settles.
“I’m not! He’s lucky I didn’t get up and leave. It was repulsive,” she replies with a shudder.
*
I thought I could see the future. I thought I could see all the bad things happen. I did for a while – I saw the bad things coming but I luxuriated in them regardless because how good it felt. I did it because it was something new, different and an incredibly exhilarating feeling to be with him.
But then it stopped working.
Even when I helped him get better in Palm Springs my worst-case scenario was that he would get caught underage drinking not that he would overshare to Mason Greer. I don’t care that I was half naked in some of the pictures. I don’t care that he slurred about us having sex. I only care that he said that I am incapable of loving him or anyone. Just because I don’t believe in something, and I don’t want to purposely experience it doesn’t make me unable to do it.
That is what upsets me the most when I get into bed that night. When all the lights are off, and the only light is coming from my phone where the video plays on loop as I scroll through the comments. It’s then that it all comes crashing down on me.
He is the one who told me that I wasn’t insane or crazy for being afraid of love. He made me feel like it was okay and that he could accept that even in our fake relationship. He comforted me and told me I didn’t need to be scared and that it was a practical thing.
For as long as I could remember, I’ve felt that way about love. Since my parents’ sudden divorce, love didn’t feel like this sacred and out of reach thing to aspire for. It felt like a burden that I didn’t want to bear. It felt like a watered-down emotion that people have been holding on to for centuries to make their relationships seem more serious.
I had a feeling in the back of my mind — the sort of feeling I tried to suppress over that week — that he wouldn’t be able to accept it. I was more shocked than anything when he acted like it was fine. Augustus made sure that I knew it was a weird thing to feel. That it wasn’t natural.
A large part of me hoped that Miles wasn’t like that – that he would still care for me in the same way. It was his subconscious talking that day at the bar. It was what he really felt but didn’t want to tell me. There is no denying the attraction between us. The constant pull towards each other. But that had always existed within our fake dating plan even when we tried to ignore it. It needed to be acted on and we were both willing to dip our toes in for a second. What I didn’t expect to find lingering in there was love which is the last thing either of us need.
He’s the kind of distraction my friends encourage but the kind of distraction I can’t afford to pursue.
