Jace takes another shot, and I watch him from the other side of the room, never letting him fully out of my sight. I talk to someone that knows Finn and Emma – I think Emma’s cousin or something – but I can’t focus on what the woman in front of me is saying. Jace keeps looking over at me with eyes that are glassy and full of need, and it is throwing me completely off balance.
Jace has never looked at me like that. He never showed any interest in me physically. Sure, he has checked me out a few times, a lingering gaze here or there, but nothing more than that. He put me in the friendship category from the beginning, at least that’s how it felt, but tonight, something has changed. He keeps looking over at me with hungry eyes drinking me in and not being shy about it.
I glance back over at him as his eyes scan down my body, never resting on one area, seeming to consume my entire frame, lust radiating off of him. His tongue pops out, wetting his bottom lip, and, even from across the room, I feel the movement with my entire body.
I wait for him to come over to me, to tell me what is going on in his head, but his feet stay planted on the ground, never moving closer, never finding their way to me. I keep talking to the woman in front of me and Emma, laughing and smiling when appropriate, but my mind is on Jace.
The party reduces to a simmer. Only a few people still mingle around. As people leave, they drop envelopes on the table designated for gifts. I find the practice of giving Finn and Emma cash almost funny. If you spend a second looking around the house, you would see that they don’t need any more money, but it isn’t really about that when it comes to rich people, is it?
I feel Jace in my peripheral vision while watching people leave. I watch him appreciatively while he isn’t looking, admiring the man who I’ve known for years. I watch his head tilt back with laughter when someone makes a joke, a joke I’m not close enough to hear, and I smile, his laughter contagious. He has this easy-going way about him that warms the room with his presence, while also making me want to rip his clothes off and see what it takes to wipe the smile from his face.
I watch as Jace thanks the bartender from across the room, lifting his shot to his lips and tipping his head back, swallowing in one gulp. I watch him talk to the man next to him, confidence surrounding him that makes a shiver run through me. I will myself to focus on what Emma is saying next to me, but I can’t. I feel completely captivated by him. I can feel the tension between us, the muscles in my core aching.
Jace turns toward me, his shot long gone, his eyes connecting with mine instantly, as if he knew where to find me. He looks at me with determination as his eyes trail up and down my body. He mutters something, something that looks a whole lot like “fuck it”, but he’s too far away for me to hear.
He starts walking over to me, looking like I am a prime steak and he is fucking starving, a look that makes me forget to breathe, more from anticipation than fear. My body mirrors his as he approaches, ready for what he is going to say, ready for what is finally going to happen between us, because deep in my soul, I think a part of me knew this was always going to happen. We would find our way to each other eventually, even when it felt hopeless.
Finn comes out of nowhere and suddenly stops him. He says something to Jace, putting his hand on his shoulder, steadying him slightly, the alcohol seemingly catching up to him. Finn glances over at me and shakes his head at Jace as he says something to him, his entire body language protective, with just a hint of condescension, something that I know will drive Jace insane. Jace replies to him, his face contouring into anger and annoyance and Finn replies, his body language going stiff. I watch with curiosity and concern, the exchange getting more heated the longer it goes on. Jace angrily pushes Finn’s arm off of him. Finn throws his hands in the air, and their voices get louder.
My eyes dart to Emma, and hers connect with mine. We speak silently for just a second, communicating with nothing but subtle eye movements, and then start walking over together, knowing we need to calm them down before this escalates into something more serious.
We walk up quickly, the pit in my stomach growing, not knowing what we are going to walk into. The exchange between brothers only continues to intensify, Jace yelling something at Finn with slurred speech, his voice deep and rough.
“C’mon, man. That’s not what I meant, and you know it,” Finn says sternly as he rolls his eyes. Jace instantly gets in his face, challenging him but Finn doesn’t back down, not in his own house, not at his own party.
“What the fuck did you mean then? You just don’t want me to have anything, do you?” Jace spits out, only inches away from Finn at this point, and I know they are both seconds away from throwing a punch.
I step in between them, not even thinking about it honestly. I just know this needs to stop. They are both drunk and pissed, and this won’t help a damn thing.
“Walk away,” I say sternly, looking Finn directly in the eyes while he stares at Jace, venom in his gaze. I challenge him, and after a few seconds, his gaze drops to me, as if he is finally seeing me. He looks over to Emma, who has her hands on his chest, trying to pull him away from the chaos. I shoot Emma an apologetic look, and she nods, pulling Finn away from the middle of the room. Finn deflates into her touch, as if her touch grounds him, bringing him back down to earth. “C’mon,” I say, putting my hands on Jace’s chest, trying to comfort him too. I lead him away from the party, finding a hallway leading to god knows where but knowing he needs a second to cool off. I walk us down the hallway for a few minutes, wanting to get away from the noise of the party completely.
“He is fucking lucky you stepped in, or I would’ve had him on the ground,” he says through gritted teeth, the alcohol running through his veins seeming to disappear, the fight sobering him. I put my hands on his chest again, wanting to comfort him with my touch although annoyance rolls through me. I don’t know what was said, but initiating a fistfight with Finn isn’t normal behavior for Jace, even when he’s drunk.
“What the fuck is wrong with you?” I hiss. He works hard to keep his head down, never picking fights like that, with anyone, much less his brother. The behavior is so unlike him, and I don’t understand what could make him so pissed off that he was ready to throw a punch.
“Nothing,” he mumbles, shutting down, shutting me out. He stares at the ground, avoiding eye contact, but I can feel what he’s feeling. I feel the rage and disappointment running off of him. I feel his sadness and jealousy, and for once, just once, I want him to tell me how he is feeling. I want him to let it all out and finally let me into what is going on inside of his head.
“Are you that jealous of him? You want to beat his ass for having more than you?” I say angrily, knowing I’m pushing him. I don’t know how else to get him to open up. I know if I push him hard enough, he will break and his emotions will spill out of him. I know I probably shouldn’t, but I do it anyway. “Ya know what, go ahead. I won’t stop you this time. I won’t save you before Finn puts your ass on the floor,” I say, unleashing every emotion in my body, letting it spill out of me without an ounce of remorse. I watch him as his eyes darken, the dam inside of him seeming to break.
“He has everything, Callie. Fucking everything!” Jace yells, his voice full of hurt and betrayal, and anger all in one. He runs his hands through his hair, frustrated and working through his emotion, seeming to lose the battle against himself. “He has everything, and then he tells me I can’t go after you? That I can’t finally tell you how I feel? Why? Because I’m drunk? He’s gonna sit there and tell me I can’t go after the one fucking woman I actually want?” he yells, his face red, anger and pain etched into his face. He slumps against the wall, all of the energy suddenly leeching out of him. I play the words back in my head, trying to get them to make sense, but I just can’t seem to.
I stare at him as he huffs out breaths, seeming to come down from the emotional high. He stares at the floor, avoiding eye contact, shaking his head as if he is going through the entire conversation again inside of his head. I watch him, willing his body to explain to me what the fuck is going on.
Our friendship has always been reliable, always been consistent. I always knew Jace’s next steps, but tonight is nothing but a shock. The air around us has changed, and I’m not sure what to expect.
It feels like the words click in my mind all at once, my body stiffening. He said exactly what I think he did, and I don’t know what it means. I stare at him, and his eyes slowly meet mine, meaning and understanding written all over them as he waits for my reaction.
I knew this would happen eventually, a part of me always knew, but I didn’t know it would happen now. I didn’t realize when I got into his truck tonight that we were going to hit a crossroads and everything would be laid out.
“You want me?” I ask, my voice barely even a whisper. He stares into my eyes, his chest still heaving with deep breaths. I track the movements in his eyes as they search my face. He looks so uncertain all of a sudden, all of the anger gone leaving only vulnerability. The adrenaline of the situation is used up, and I don’t know what we are going to do without it.
I stare and I wait, willing him to answer faster, needing an answer right now. My mind is spinning, giving me all of the reasons this might not even be real, why I might be making this entire thing up. Maybe he just likes the way I look tonight, the dress finally accenting the attraction we have toward each other. Maybe he is just drunk, not even knowing what he is saying. Maybe his emotions are just heightened because Finn is getting married and he isn’t sure how to handle that. Maybe I am just dreaming, and I’m going to wake up, wet and horny, wishing this night was real.
“You want me?” I ask again, pleading, needing an answer to stop the spiral from happening inside of my head. My voice comes out louder this time, the sound bouncing off the walls and consuming me. I stare into his brown eyes, and his mouth opens to speak, and I feel my heartbeat pick up, not even able to guess what he is about to say.
“You guys want to play some drinking games?” Emma asks, turning the corner into the hallway that I dragged us into. Jace and I turn away from each other instantly, my entire body shifting, feeling as if we got caught in a compromising position. Emma’s eyes bounce in between both of us. “Sorry, was I interrupting?” she asks, a wince forming on her face as she takes in the situation. Her red hair is illuminated by the lights coming from the party, and I stare at it, needing somewhere to look other than at Jace.
“No, not at all,” Jace replies, his words sounding strong, a small punch to the gut. I glance over at him, hoping he will communicate with his eyes, and finally answer the question I asked, but he doesn’t even look at me. He stares at Emma and ignores my gaze, and I feel my stomach sink. “Yeah, let’s do it,” he replies to her question, moving instantly, a newfound energy in his step as he follows her back to the party, leaving me in the hallway alone, feeling stupid and hurt while the darkness consumes me.
I feel like I made this entire thing up in my head, and the self-doubt is eating me up. He never even answered my question, but somehow, in a roundabout way, it feels like he did. No answer is an answer – it just wasn’t the answer I wanted.
I give myself a few seconds to be sad, knowing I need to return to the party, and then I lift my chin, move my shoulders back, and follow them back into the entertainment room. I leave my hope back in that hallway, finally giving myself permission to let this stupid crush go because it seems that he already has.
