I’m such a dickhead. I know I should’ve answered her, but I didn’t know how. I didn’t even mean to say what I said, it just came out, and then I didn’t know what to do. The second the words were out of my mouth, I wanted to rip them back from her ears, going back in time. She looked at me, and I couldn’t read her. I didn’t want to tell her how I feel, I already felt too exposed, so I just shut down, and now I feel like an ass. I am an ass.
I walk back into the room, everyone’s eyes darting at me as I enter. I try to walk confidently through the room, not letting people’s gaze influence me, but shame still wraps its way around me, reminding me that I made a fool out of myself just moments ago. I walk up to Finn, knowing I should apologize.
“Hey, dude, we good?” I ask, already seeming to know that we are. This is how we have always gotten over fights. We don’t need to talk it out. We don’t need to explain what the fuck happened. It was just drunk bullshit anyway, nothing worth holding a grudge over.
“Yeah, man, we’re good,” he says, a cheeky smile on his face, a contrast from the look of rage he had just fifteen minutes ago. We do a man-back-slap-hug and part, and I know we are back to normal, the stupid ass fight completely forgotten about.
I feel Callie behind me before I see her, her presence making my entire body tense, but I push it away, knowing that I didn’t deserve her before, but now I really don’t. I couldn’t even answer a simple question. I couldn’t just say “fuck it” for a second and tell her how badly I want her. I couldn’t express everything I’ve been feeling, the ways my eyes never seem to leave her body, the way her laugh warms my fucking soul, the way I am calmed by just her presence. She deserves someone who will shout it from the rooftops, and I’m not that guy.
If I were honest with myself, I would realize that I don’t deserve her either way, whether I become that guy or not. I know that now more than ever. Sitting in the house that my brother earned, looking at the fame and fortune he acquired, I know Callie deserves someone who will give her this life, and I can’t. She deserves someone who can spoil her and make her comfortable, and I can’t do that.
I don’t even know how to fuck her right. I don’t know how to make her cum on my face, moaning my name while her back arches as I suck on her clit. I don’t know how to fuck her until she’s cumming on my cock, tightening around me until she milks the cum out of my cock.
I don’t deserve to date her, and I definitely don’t deserve to fuck her.
I have nothing to offer her, so I don’t know why I thought for a second she would ever want me . It doesn’t matter that I didn’t answer her, because at the end of the day, she deserves every little thing the world has, and I don’t know the first thing about giving that to her.
“You wanna play never have I ever or something?” Emma asks, looking around the room at the people still mingling around, most of which are the closest people to Finn and Emma. As I look around, I make eye contact with Callie. My gaze runs down her body instantly, almost like it is a force of habit. I look away quickly, knowing I have no right to admire her. I feel her eyes on me, but I ignore them, not wanting to see how my actions have influenced her.
I look back at Emma and nod, answering her question with a tense smile. I don’t necessarily want to play, but I want space from the conversation I just didn’t have with Callie. I need something to fill the air around me, something to take Callie off of my mind, and if that means I play a stupid fucking party game, I couldn’t care less anymore. Part of me just wants to say fuck it and leave, but I can’t stomach the idea of sitting in the car with her, completely alone, her presence eating me alive.
I grab a drink, which of course is an extremely expensive liquor because Finn is too good for anything other than the top shelf, and make my way into the circle that Emma has created. Everyone is sitting on the floor and getting cozy with each other, but I feel like I’m not inside my body. I feel like I’m still in that hallway staring at Callie, not knowing what to say.
I sit next to Callie, not wanting to abandon her since she doesn’t know anyone else here. I hate to admit that her presence also just comforts me. I enjoy being around her, but I can’t think of that right now without thinking about all the things I wish I would have said in that hallway, so I tuck the emotions away and focus on everyone around me instead.
“Okay, everyone has played this right? You know the rules?” Emma asks, looking around the small circle of about ten people. I don’t know the other people well. I’ve seen a few of them at other parties Finn and Emma have had, but I’m not even on a first-name basis with them. Finn and Emma sit together, right next to me, and Callie sits on my left. I don’t pay much attention to anyone else, my body seeming to be tuned into Callie, something I wish I could turn off right now.
“You drink when you’ve done it, right?” Callie asks next to me, her voice sounding small and sad. It feels like a punch to the gut, knowing that I was the reason for it. I hate that I did that to her. I hate that I made her feel that way. I hate that I couldn’t just tell her the truth. I take a drink from my cup, needing something to wash away the shame I feel wrapping around my spine.
“Exactly. We go around the circle saying things we haven’t done with the intention of trying to get people to drink,” Emma explains, and then gestures to Callie, seemingly indicating for her to start the game
“Uhm, okay,” Callie says hesitantly, looking around the room, nervousness dancing in her eyes until they settle on Emma and a mischievous smile crosses her lips. “Never have I ever been proposed to,” she says, raising her eyebrows at Emma and waiting for her to drink.
Emma rolls her eyes, bringing the cup to her mouth and drinking. She looks lovingly at Finn, and he smiles at her. I look away, telling myself it is because I don’t want to interrupt their moment, but really the jealousy that is wracking through my body is consuming me. I want what they have.
“Okay, my turn,” the blonde girl next to Callie mutters, looking around nervously. I think her name is Clover or something, but I can’t remember. I stare at her, willing my attention not to drift to Callie, but it does, naturally.
Her legs are crossed in front of her, and my eyes trail them up and down, taking in her body as a whole and salivating over her like a fucking dog. When she sits, her stomach poaches a little, and all I want to do is admire her, run my fingers over the smooth skin, enjoying every single ounce of her, because I know I would. I crave her body like it was made for me. I imagine running my tongue over every inch of her, and the thought makes my cock grow hard.
“Never have I ever done anal,” Clover says finally, her face going red as she looks around the room, waiting for people’s reactions. A few people drink, but I keep my eyes away from Finn and Emma, not even wanting to know, but that keeps my line of vision on Callie. She brings the cup up to her lips, taking a sip and I stare, completely transfixed by her mouth. My cock throbs in my pants, unable to get the image of her bent over, looking back at me with her head on the bed, and my finger stretching her ass open. God, she would look so good laid out like that. I would line my cock up to her ass, ready to feel how fucking tight that hole can get while she begs for it, begs for me to make her feel good.
Jesus Christ. I need a cold shower.
“Let’s make this easy. I want to get drunk,” the bodybuilder-looking guy next to Clover mutters, looking around the room with a glint in his eye, as if he knows something we don’t. “Never have I ever had sex,” he says confidently, instantly taking the cup in front of him and drinking himself, almost as if to reassure the room that he has in fact done it.
My body goes ridge instantly, and I feel my face flaming red. A few people around the room laugh, everyone raising their cups to their lips, giving the bodybuilder a hard time since he picked something so easy. Surely everyone here has had sex.
The cup stays in my hand, not moving. I’m not sure what to do. Callie raises her cup, takes a drink, and then looks over at me. I feel her gaze on me instantly, but my body won’t move. I tell myself to just drink, just pretend, but the cup stays where it is, in my hand for the entire room to see.
Everyone drank at this point, and they mingle back and forth, seemingly oblivious to the war raging within me. I wait for someone to say something, for someone to notice the panic on my face and the cup still sitting in my hand, but no one looks at me.
No one but Callie.
I watch from the corner of my eye as Callie’s face scrunches into confusion, and then realization, her mouth opening as if a thought has just suddenly hit her.
I raise the cup, my arm finally working with me, pulling a swig into my mouth, knowing I would rather be a liar than be made fun of for this. I swallow, the liquor barely making its way down my throat as it tightens with worry. I ignore Callie’s gaze, the shock on her face, willing her to forget she saw anything. I start to prepare lies, needing a plan when she comes to me and asks what happened, but my mind is completely blank, somehow knowing I won’t be able to get out of this without telling her the truth.
I may have just hidden my secret from the rest of the group, but Callie knows. She knows that I’m a virgin, and I honestly thought the humiliation tonight couldn’t get any worse. Guess I was wrong.
