I fight everything in me not to take off after Lana. My hands twitch and my legs shake with the urge to grab her and force her to hear me out. To prove that I love her enough to fight for us and our happy ending.
Unfortunately, I know our situation can’t be fixed with words when she thinks I’m a liar.
That’s because you are.
No. I never lied outright, although weaving a story of half-truths doesn’t make me any better. If anything, I feel shittier, knowing regardless of my intentions, the result is still the same.
I hurt her.
When you leave Lake Wisteria this time, don’t bother returning. It’s not like you have any reason to come back anyway. Her voice, strong and fearless despite the tremble of her chin, replays in my head.
Lana couldn’t be more wrong, even if she has every reason to believe she is right. So long as she and Cami are here, I have every reason to return and fight for the people I love. There isn’t anything I wouldn’t do to prove to her that my inheritance has nothing to do with the way I feel about her and my reason for getting sober.
But how?
I run my hands through my hair, tugging at the strands to center myself. The bite of pain grounds me for a moment and eases the panic building in my chest. However, the relief is temporary as I come to grips with one of the last things she said.
I want you gone from the guesthouse before I wake up in the morning.
I don’t want to go, but sticking around and upsetting Lana any more isn’t an option. It will kill me to leave, knowing she most likely thinks the worst of me, but I can’t think of a better punishment for hurting her.
It’s what you deserve.
I sleep like absolute shit. My mind doesn’t stop running, and I end up tossing and turning for a majority of the evening. By the time five a.m. rolls around, I call it a night and wake up. My head pounds, so I swallow a few pain relievers and get to work packing up my belongings before Lana wakes up. I focus on the task until it is complete, and my luggage looks about ready to pop.
My room appears the same way it did when I first arrived—empty and lacking any life. The only thing that sticks out is the photo I left behind on the bed.
Before I exit the bedroom, I check the drawers and closet for anything I might have missed. I nearly forgot the folded piece of yellow construction paper that I kept on top of my nightstand. With a shaky hand, I open Cami’s card one more time.
Get better, Cow-L.
I trace the curve of the wonky heart before tucking it away in my backpack. The door across from mine remains closed, so I shut mine softly behind me and take off toward Cami’s room on the other side of the house. There is no way I can’t say goodbye to her.
Lana might not like it, but I can’t go off to rehab letting her kid think I abandoned her. The thought of her thinking I disappeared without caring enough to say goodbye is a punishment I can’t bear taking.
Cami is curled into a ball underneath her covers, clutching her stuffed lamb to her chest. She looks so at peace compared to her usual wild self when she is awake.
The ache in my chest that hasn’t gone away since yesterday returns, stronger than ever before. Missing Cami will be inevitable. The kid has grown on me, and it feels like I’m leaving a piece of my heart behind with her.
You’ll be back.
I swallow past the thick lump in my throat and shake Cami awake. Merlin jumps off the bed with a hiss before darting underneath it.
“Cow-l?” she rasps. Her hair resembles an eighties’ hairspray commercial with the strands forming a helmet around her head.
“Hey.” My smile is weak at best, but I try my hardest to stay strong for her.
She blinks a few more times to rid the sleep from her eyes. “What’s wrong?”
“I wanted to say bye.”
Her frown is instant. “Bye? Why?”
“I’m going away for a bit.”
“Where?”
I reach for my backpack and pull out the card. “Remember when I told you I was sick?”
She nods.
“I’m going to go see a doctor so that way I’m not sick anymore.”
Her small lips form a small O.
I take her small hand in mine and give it a squeeze. “When I’m feeling better, I’ll come back for you and your mom.”
“How long will you be gone?” Her glassy eyes shred whatever last bit of dignity I have.
You can’t help hurting everyone you love.
It’s a curse I plan on breaking, but a curse nonetheless.
“I’m not sure how long I’ll be away.” It depends on a lot of different things, all of which have to do with me.
She shocks me as she launches herself into my arms and wraps hers around my neck with a tight squeeze. “I don’t want you to go.”
Between her and Lana, I’m not sure if my heart will make it through this week without being ripped to shreds.
I rub her back. “I know.”
She sniffles, making my chest tighten.
“I’m going to miss you.” Her voice shakes.
God, if I don’t get out of here soon, I’m going to end up not leaving at all. “I’m going to miss you too.”
“You promise to come back?” She peeks up at me with tear-soaked lashes.
I swipe away the tears, erasing the evidence of her sadness. “I promise.”
She releases a heavy sigh, and the tension in her shoulders deflates.
“I have a favor to ask you though.” I tuck her card back into my backpack before zipping it up.
Her eyes widen. “Me?”
“Yup.”
“What is it?”
I put on a serious face, like my very life depends on her. “Will you take care of Merlin for me?”
She gasps. “You’re leaving him here?”
My throat feels all scratchy. “Yup. I can’t take him with me, so I need you to be in charge.” And that way, I have a valid reason to return, whether Lana wants me to or not.
Am I using my cat to convince Lana to see me again? Absolutely.
Do I feel bad about it? Not in the slightest, although I’ll be sure to have food and supplies delivered to the house while I’m gone so she doesn’t have to pay for a thing.
She stands tall and salutes me. “I’ll take cares of him.”
“And be sure to take care of your mom for me too.”
Her head tilts, the tiny frown lines in her face making her look older than six years old. “Do you love love Mommy?”
“I love love your mommy more than anything. That’s why I’m going to go get help.”
Her whole face lights up from whatever idea is brewing within that busy head of hers. “What if we go with you?”
Shit. All it takes is one shake of my head to have her smile falling.
“No. I wish you could, but this is something I’ve got to do on my own.” I give her one last hug before rising.
“But you’ll be back,” she states.
“I’ll be back—for you and your mommy.”
“Pinky promise?” She holds out her pinky with a wobbly smile.
I lock our pinkies together and shake on it. “Pinky promise.”
I give her one last kiss on the top of her head before turning around. My step falters as I take in Lana leaning against the doorframe, her eyes dark and her scowl unwavering.
“Hi, Mommy!”
She looks over at Cami. “You’re up early.” Her voice doesn’t sound accusatory, but the glare she sends my way is.
“Cow-l woke me up.” Cami throws me under the bus.
Love you too, kiddo.
“Why don’t you try to sleep for a little bit longer? You have a long day today.” Lana doesn’t say anything else as she walks away, leaving me to be the one to shut the door. The heaviness pressing against my shoulders only worsens with each step I take toward the front door.
“Key.” Lana holds out her hand. There is a slight tremble to her fingers that fucks me up inside.
“Lana…”
“Don’t.” Her voice wavers as if she is on the verge of crying.
Fuck.
I pull out my keyring and get to work removing the house key from it. Once I place it in Lana’s hand, she tucks it into her back pocket.
“Good luck in rehab.” Her voice sounds distant. Kind of like I’m underwater, fighting the current threatening to take me away from her.
“I’m coming back.”
She reaches around me to unlock the door. “It won’t change anything between us.”
“Then what will?”
“Nothing. You got what you wanted. By the time you’re out of rehab, I’m sure we will have a buyer ready to go.”
“I’m not talking about the fucking house,” I snap.
She blinks.
“I know you think the worst of me. That’s fine. It’s not like I don’t deserve it. But just know that I didn’t choose to go to rehab for the inheritance.”
She scoffs as she crosses her arms. “You sure didn’t choose it for me.”
“No. I chose to get help for me.”
Her mouth drops open.
“If I only wanted the inheritance, then I would have stuck around here for thirty more days and met the requirement asked of me. But instead, I’m going to rehab because I want to love myself as much as you love me.”
She sucks in a breath but stays quiet.
“I want to be the man you and Cami deserve. Whether you believe me or not, that’s the reason why I’m going to rehab. I’ve been through the process enough times to know it’s thirty days of absolute hell, no matter which way someone cuts it. But every day I spend suffering in the prison of my mind is worth a thousand happy ones with you.” I lean forward and press a kiss on the top of her head. She doesn’t melt into me with a sigh like usual, but her shoulders drop a fraction.
I run my knuckles across her cheek. “I’m sorry about the house. I wanted to tell you every single time the subject came up, but I couldn’t risk my brothers losing their inheritances after all the sacrifices they made. They would have never forgiven me, and I couldn’t live with myself knowing I destroyed everyone’s lives around me. I already hate myself enough as it is.”
She looks away and swipes at her cheek with her sleeve.
I clasp on to her chin and force her to look me in the eyes. “I’ll find a way to fix this.”
Her eyes shut. “You can’t.”
“Is that a dare?” I half-heartedly tease.
Her bottom lip wobbles. “No. It’s a reality.”
The invisible talons wrapped around my heart squeeze until I’m left breathless and achy.
I step back before I end up kissing away the sad look on her face. “I’ll return for you. Consider this your one and only warning.”
Her lips press together. I offer her a half-assed smile before I walk to my car without looking back.
I can’t look back and risk seeing the mistrust written all over her face.
I can only hope that whatever I said will hold her over until I can come back and prove that there is nothing in this world I want more than her and the family we can have.
Even if it kills me in the process.
