“You’re fucking joking,” I scoff.
Costy shakes his head, smiling, “Nope. I ran into her and Charlotte when they were grocery shopping. I invited you to come with us, but you wanted to sit here and sulk instead.”
Glaring at him, “I am not sulking.”
“Burnsy, look up the definition of sulking and pull up the images. I would bet money this very image will be in there,” he says, circling my vicinity with his hand.
“I’ll kick your ass, Cam. Keep it up,” warning him with a slightly playful tone.
“Then get over yourself, dude,” Costy says with such seriousness that it strikes a chord in me.
“Do we have a problem?” I ask him.
I thought we were joking, but the longer this conversation goes on, the less playful it seems. He probably has a thing for Laura, which I could care less about because I like to think that he’s smarter than that.
It would be a really dumb decision on his part to make a move on her. I love Cam. He’s like a brother to me. I would do anything for him. But that is one line he is not allowed to cross.
“Not yet, but you need to get your head out of your ass. We have a game coming up, and we need our captain,” he says, and I can’t help but respect him for it. “We’re all here for you, bro, but you need to figure your shit out.”
“I know,” I admit and sigh, sinking further into the couch in my hotel room. “I know. I’m trying, but she won’t even talk to me. I tried texting her old number. But it either changed, or she’s just ignoring me. I don’t know which one is worse.”
He pats my shoulder behind the couch, “It’ll work itself out. But don’t ignore the most important thing right now.” But he’s got it all wrong if he thinks hockey is the most important thing right now. It will be there when this trip is over. I just want to see if Laura will be too. My phone rings, and I see my mom on the screen. What is up with her lately? She has never called me this much.
“Hello?” I answer.
“Hey, sweetie,” she responds in a quick breath.
“Is everything okay?” I don’t know what is up with her suspicious behavior lately, but I can only handle so much at a time.
She chuckles, “Oh, of course, it is. I just wanted to check in on my favorite boy. How have you been?”
What in the actual fuck?
My mom is a phenomenal mother and always went out of her way to ensure my hockey career was on the right path. She is one of the biggest reasons I am where I am today. But she shows her love with actions, gifts, or hugs, not in words of affirmation. Her calling me her favorite boy has me thinking she’s been doing a little day drinking.
“I’m doing great, just hanging out with the boys, practicing. The usual,” I tell her.
“Have you run into anyone interesting being back?” she asks hesitantly.
“Not really, no. Is something going on, Mom? You’re being weird.”
She softly laughs, “Honey, you’re being ridiculous. Of course, everything is fine. I just have been missing you extra lately. I love you.”
Shaking the concern from my voice, I say, “I love you too, Mom. I gotta go; we’re about to head to the rink.”
“Alright, call me later,” she says before the phone call ends.Feeling just as confused, if not more confused, after the call, I get to my feet and grab my jacket.
“I’ll be back,” I announce to Costy and Reed.
“Don’t be late to practice, or we will have a problem, Kos!” Costy shouts at me as I close the door behind me.
I hear Costy and Jensen mumble to each other, but I don’t care enough to eavesdrop.
I let memory lane guide me to where I’m going, where I made most of my happiest memories when I was young, the pond rink behind Al’s Barbeque. Hopping on my bike, I rev the engine and pull out of the parking lot and turn onto Main Street.
You know when you get sick and feel that something is off with your body, you can feel the sickness inside you, even if just the slightest? Laura is my sickness, infecting every part of my body, mind, and soul like a vine that wraps itself around an entire building until you can barely see it anymore. She is taking over my being. I don’t have a thought that she doesn’t occupy.
I feel helpless and out of control since I’ve been back and ran into her. I’m completely distracted. I can’t think straight, I can’t sleep right. The usual things that are the most important to me seem so far from the top of the list. If she’s the medication for this fucking illness, I need endless doses of her. Or I need her to reject me harshly, that I have no choice but to move on and try to forget her. But I can’t have any of those things if I can’t get a hold of her, or she won’t talk to me. I’m stuck in this torturous cycle.
Turning into Al’s Barbeque’s parking lot, I am attacked with nostalgia and warmth. I stop and shut the bike off, resting it on its kickstand. Taking a deep and shaky breath, I walk the short distance to the pond. It’s completely melted, so I can’t skate on it today, but it still is calming being near it, like hugging an old friend. Lazily,
I walk around the pond and can’t help but smile at all the footprints left in the now-hardened mud. I’m glad this is still a place of happiness to others, long after it was for me.
Pulling my phone out of my pocket, I look through the notifications. A few missed calls from my mom from earlier and a slew of social media notifications that I’ll thoroughly go through later if I feel up to it. Opening the app, I go to my messages and see the hundreds of message requests and currently unread messages. I ignore them all and shove my phone back into my pocket. The messages are usually from brands trying to collaborate, but mostly from men and women that are trying to hit on me. While I appreciate it, it does wonders for the ego. I have no interest in any of them unless the message is from Laura.
I know I came to Al’s for me, but I’d be lying if I said a part of me wasn’t hoping she was here. Walking over to the patio behind Al’s, I sit in one of the hammock chairs and swing lightly. These are so much more comfortable than I would have expected. Laying my head back, I take a slow, steady deep breath as a plan pops into my head. If we ran into her at Fireflies once, maybe we will again if we go back. It’s the best shot I’ve got right now. I shoot a text off to Costy.
Me: We gotta go back to Fireflies sometime soon, the soonest.
Costy: You got it. Whatever you’re up to right now, don’t be stupid, and call if you need us.
Me: I will, thanks
Setting my phone down on the table next to me, I lay my head back again, closing my eyes, loving the feeling of the warm sun on my face. It sparks a memory of golfing for me and has me wondering if the course is still open. That would be one way to keep my mind off Laura or a good attempt to.
Being captain of the Nighthawks has responsibilities. The guys look up to me, Coach looks to me to lead them, and I look to myself to do my job. A job that I have been failing at since I’ve been here. I’m not inspiring or motivating anyone; I am just a wallowing ball of self-pity. The team deserves a better captain than I am giving them.
There’s a goddamn reason that I was chosen as captain, and I didn’t work this hard to let it all slip away. The Nighthawks are everything to me, my friends, my teammates, my family. I am the leader of this team and need to do better and be better.
The guys look to me for guidance and support to lead them through the highs and lows on and off the ice. My title doesn’t change when the skates come off. I am their captain through and through. I’m by their side when they’re having a bad day, trying to find some way to cheer them up. Hell, the other day, I helped Brett buy his first car because he had never gone through a dealership.
Time to change the momentum of the last few days. I either need to talk to her and see if we can find some closure to our breakup or if there’s an opportunity to rekindle what we once had. One way or another, I am not leaving town until we are sorted out.
My body relaxes into the chair with my refreshed confidence, and before I know it, my breathing evens out, and serenity settles onto me as I pass the fuck out in this chair.
“Are you fucking kidding me?” A voice booms, yanking me out of my sleep. “Get your ass up!”
My eyes fly open, and I see an enraged Cam standing over me. Why is he so pissed off?
Fuckkkkkkkkkkk. Fuckity, Fuck, Fuck.
I fell asleep. Holy shit, I fell asleep.
Throwing my hands on my face, I say, “Please tell me I didn’t.”
He throws his arms up. “Yeah, yeah, you did. And
Coach is going to kick your ass. Stop letting an ex ruin your life. You’ve worked too hard.”
She’s not just some ex.
“How did you find me?” I ask as I pull myself up and out of the chair.
“I saw your bike out front while driving after practice looking for your crazy ass. But I’m fucking tired, so can we please go back to the hotel?” Costy says with exhaustion and sincerity.
Nodding, I lead the way back to the parking lot in silence. Guilt slices into my chest, deeper and deeper as I fully wake up.
“I’m sorry, bro. I really didn’t mean to. It just hap- pened.” I apologize.
He sighs, “I know, but it’s so unlike you. You’ve never missed a practice, and you’ve definitely never slept through one. I’m worried about you.”
I pat his back. I’m a lucky son of bitch to have him. He looks out for me, and I for him.
“I know, I’ll figure it out. I swear.” I promise.
“Talk to Coach if you need a few days off, but you’re better than whatever the fuck is going on, Alec.” He uses my real name, and I can’t help but giggle.
I don’t know if I’ve ever heard him call me Alec— Kos, Shithead, Captain, but never Alec.
“Don’t go all soft on me now, Cam,” I tease him.
“I am going to fight you,” he says blankly.
I shrug, “Maybe we should. It might help with all of this sexual tension. Oh— is that just me?” I laugh.
He smacks the back of my head. “I’ll meet you back at the hotel.”
He walks over to his rental, and I throw my leg over my bike and start the engine. Cam is a special guy to have looking out for you. He doesn’t make many real connections with people. But when he does, they stick, and he does anything to protect and cherish them.
I’m being a shit friend to him right now and a shit teammate. I’m Alec Kostelecky, Captain of the New York fucking Nighthawks, and I need to start acting like it again.
