God, she is so beautiful.
I notice her the second I walk around the corner to the rink. But I don’t approach her or say a word in case I scare her off again. I try not to stare, but tearing my gaze away from her is impossible. She’s fucking glowing on the ice. A beam of light. A lighthouse guiding me home.
“Go over there already.” Costy knocks his shoulder into mine.
“Do you think I should?” I ask and turn to face him.
“I think you should do whatever helps you sleep at night. Face your fears and go talk to her,” he encourag- es. “Or are you going to be a little bitch and hide in the shadows the entire time?”
He turns to me and Jensen. “Do you smell that?”
Jensen inhales and says, “I don’t smell anything besides the arena. Why?”
Costy waves his hand in front of his nose and scrunches in disgust. “It kind of smells like bitch in here.”
“Shut the fuck up.” I backhand his shoulder, laughing. “I’m going. I’m going.” Butterflies gnaw at my stomach as I walk closer and closer to the open board door.
“Oh god,” I mumble, watching my skates as they step onto the ice.
I glance up and freeze in place as I watch Charlotte skate off the ice with a little kid. Laura turns around, meets my stare, and then she suddenly starts barreling toward me. “The ice still suits you, Lu. Look, I want to apologize about the other night. I shouldn’t have overreacted. Just seeing you in another man’s arms made me murderous. But I shouldn’t have taken that out on you.”
She looks shocked and says, “Alec, can we talk later? I’m heading home right now. I didn’t handle it the best myself. But I should probably go.”
A little boy starts shouting, and I can’t help but to look up. It’s the same little kid Charlotte was walking out with. He is skating as fast as he possibly can over to us.
Laura suddenly shouts, “Jack, slow down!”
The little boy yells, “Mom, look out!”
Mom?
Is he talking to Laura? I’m completely shocked as the kid runs into Lu, who picks him up like it’s the most natural thing in the world. My jaw falls open slightly. That’s Laura’s son? Looking closer at him, I can’t help but notice similarities between his features and mine. There’s no way he could be my son, right? Laura would’ve told me. We used to be so close, and it was us against the world. If she had gotten pregnant, there’s no way I wouldn’t have known.
The little boy looks at me and asks, “Who are you?”
My gaze drifts to Laura before returning to him. “My name’s Alec.”
He offers me his small hand and says, “Nice to meet you. I’m Jack. How do you know my mom?”
“Your mom?” My world fucking spins. He really is her son. But if he’s her son, then who is his dad? He looks about four, five, maybe six. He can’t be mine, can he? Laura knows I always wanted kids; she wouldn’t have hidden him from me. It just must be a coincidence. “Jack, how old are you?”
The world seems to quiet after he tells me his age. Charlotte and some guy approach us and take Jack from Laura. I can’t help the shiver of jealousy at the thought of Laura seeing him, but my focus immediately goes back to Jack. He says it was nice to meet me, and I return the compliment. But I’m in a daze, stunned completely. My legs give out beneath me, and I fall to my knees on the ice.
A son? My son?
She tells me that I knew about him, that she told me in her last letter. But it definitely was NOT in the last letter I got from her. She is in as much shock as me. I know she believes what she says is the truth but it’s just not.
I pull her to me, tucking her head under my chin.
I just need to hold her, feel her to know this is real. “If I had known, if I had known you were pregnant, I would have been here every single damn day. I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry, Lu.”
Tears pour down my cheeks the second she settles into my arms, and I feel like a teenager again from the overwhelming surge of emotions. My girl, my beautiful Clumsy. She is so strong and brave. Jack couldn’t have a better mother than her.
There’s no doubt in my mind anymore. What I was feeling, being back here, was not just old lingering feelings. The better word for my locked-away love for her is that it was simply hibernating. Deep down, it was always there. My love for her never left, and there is no place I would rather be right now than with her.
A dad? I-I’m a dad?
The cloudiness of this past week finally cleared. I know why she ran; I understand why she was so pissed. I mean, I would be, too, if I was her. In the blink of an eye, my entire life shifts, the axis of my life becoming a little boy named Jack. I would give anything to go back and be there for Jack from day one—from his birth, first breath, first steps, first fall…but that was all taken from me. My mother ripped away the choice and chance. I can never forgive her for that, and she knows it too. That’s why she’s been so attentive to me since I’ve been here—the endless calls and texts. She was just waiting for this moment to happen. How could one decision my mom made years ago have changed so much of my life? A simple decision to never give me the letter, and the course of my life was forever changed. Picking up my phone with my shaky hand, I call my mom. The line rings once before she picks up.
“Hi, sweetie. What’s up?” she asks as if our relation- ship hasn’t permanently changed.
A beat of silence lingers between us as I decide what to say, but I opt for ripping the Band-Aid right off. “You knew about him, didn’t you?”
I’ve heard the term heavy or loud silence before and never quite understood the meaning. That is until this very moment. Her silence is deafening.
“I was hoping this day would never come,” she whispers.
Laughing angrily, I scold her, “Well, that certainly isn’t the right fucking response, is it?”
“Please try to understand. You were so youn—“
“So, you knew? You knew that Laura was pregnant and didn’t tell me.” As if I was shot, a hole forms in my chest, burning with betrayal.
“Yes, I knew. I made a tough choice and look where it got you. But I’m sorry,” she softly confesses.
“I don’t give a shit about your apology, Mom. Are you sorry that you lied? Or are you sorry I found out?” My chest tightens, and my fists clench. “I just can’t even believe you would do this to me. The fact that you knew about him for all these years and never told me… I can never trust another word out of your mouth, I can’t trust you. I don’t even know who you are anymore. The mom I knew, the one that tucked me into bed and read me stories, made sure I never missed a practice or game, always told me how much she loves me, she would never do this.” I blurt all my thoughts out, each word laced with more anger than the last.
“I’m sorry, Alec. I thought it was the best choice for you and your futur—”
I cut her off, “It doesn’t matter what you say right now. Your actions have spoken much louder. If you were sorry, you would have done something before I called you out on it.” I exhale, steadying my next words. “I need time to cool off before I say something I really don’t mean. But everything I have said so far, I meant every word.”
Ending the call and clicking the phone off, I chuck it on the pillows at the top of my hotel bed as my blood boils hotter and hotter.
She fucking knew!
“Kos, what’s going on? You’re scaring me, bro,” Costy says softly.
The words form easily but struggle to pass my lips, “The little boy, Jack. You remember him?”
He nods. My vision is blurry. Looking up at him, I wipe the wetness away and gaze at a standing and concerned Cam.
“That’s not her brother. That’s her son, our son,” my voice breaks, and immediately Costy sits beside me, wrapping his arms around my shoulders. “He’s my son.”
“Fuck,” Cam whispers. A minute of silence lingers between us as tears roll down my face. “I feel like I should say congratulations. But you seem really sad about the news…”
Forcing myself to sit upright, I take a few deep breaths to calm my racing heart. “She tried telling me she was pregnant. We used to write these letters to each other and leave them in each other’s mailboxes. She told me in her last letter after we had broken up. But I never got it. Because my mom hid it from me.” My voice is shaky and uneven. “Then we moved, and I never saw or spoke to her again. Until this trip.”
He takes a moment, taking in everything I just dumped on him. “Damn, dude. That’s intense. Have you talked to your mom?”
“Yeah, she admitted to it and apologized. I just told her I needed some time to process everything.” I say, still feeling pain in my chest from hearing her cry so hard.
She’s my mom, and I love her. As fucked up as she hid the letter from me, I understand why she did it. But the question isn’t if I understand but if I can forgive her.
“I’m so sorry, Alec. That’s so fucked up,” he scoffs. “What can I do?”
My shoulders relax slightly, releasing some of the loneliness and betrayal that has filled my body after get- ting off the phone with my mom.
“I don’t know, honestly. I don’t even know what to do. I just know my life would look much different if I had gotten that letter.”
Cam pats my back, “I like to think everything works out for a reason, you know? Maybe you wouldn’t have even run into her if I never went into that coffee shop and invited her to Fireflies. You can’t change the past. You have to find a way to accept that and move on. And know I’m here for you, and your team’s here for you. We love you, man.”
Standing up, Cam joins me, and I pull him into a hug. “Thank you. Seriously. Thank you.” Pulling away, I’m reminded of what’s in store for tonight. A date with Laura. A second chance.
“I’m taking Laura out tonight. We have a lot to talk about,” I half smile.
He laughs, “Yeah, I bet you do. Where’s your head at with her? Do you want to get back together for her and Jack or for Jack’s sake?”
I can’t help but smile at the thought, “I do. I still love her. I don’t think that ever really changed. If anything, I love her more. Look at what she’s given me. She raised Jack without me for years, and I owe her my life. But it’s not just because of Jack that I want her back. Even before I knew who Jack was, I didn’t want to let her go.”
Costy grins, “I’m happy for you, man. You guys will figure it out. Everything always works out in the end. You better let me know if you need anything, though.” He stabs my chest with his finger.
Chuckling, I agree to his request, “I will.”
“Now, what do you have planned for this date? I feel like you might need some help from me because, let’s face it, I’m way better with the ladies than you.”
I laugh, “You are full of shit.” He’s good at one-night stands, but I can’t ignore the sudden tightness in my chest at the thought that maybe I’m not doing enough or too much. “I’m taking her to a quiet dinner so we can talk, really catch up, and get to know each other again.”
Costy fake yawns, “Boringgg. I say take her to the indoor trampoline park and get some Mickey D’s. Light, easy, and fun.”
“Maybe that’s a good idea for you. But I think I’m going to stick to my plan. Thanks, though.” I say, having a hard time holding back my smile and laugh. I want it to be special for Lu. She deserves more than I can give her tonight. But fuck, I’m going to try my hardest to make it the best I can.
