We were winning games. Upsetting higher-ranked teams. Coach ran around with half a smile compared to his usual frown, and things felt nice. It was unnerving for stuff to be going well. I knew life experiences enough to brace myself for something to crack the façade. Life wasn’t nice and fun. It was hard and a grind. It was about sacrifice and hustling.
My muscles clenched, almost like they did when the car suddenly came to a stop, and I forced myself to breathe through the rush of panic. Life had been good the last three weeks, and I didn’t trust it.
I kept up on my schoolwork, stuck to my routine besides a trip to see my grandma every other week, and fucked Lorelei. Lorelei. I scrubbed my hands over my face in the locker-room shower, forcing myself not to think about her. I’d get a hard-on, and that was the last thing I needed in here.
I quickly rinsed after a brutal practice. We were facing the number two ranked team this week, and with the stats I had, it meant even more exposure. Coach seemed to think I’d have no problem getting drafted this year. Leaving school, earning the money needed for my grandma.
Getting dressed, I added an extra thermal since the temperature had dropped the last week. It was gonna be a cold Halloween in a few days.
“Monroe.” Dean nodded at me, his face more relaxed than that party a few weeks ago. He hadn’t shared what exactly had bothered him, but he seemed lighter, happier.
The guilt that filled my veins around him had only grown the more I kept a huge secret from him. He had no idea I was sleeping with his sister, obsessed with her being closer to the truth. I knew it was past the point of acceptable deniability. I straight up hid this from him, the one thing he’d ever asked of me.
Lo is off-limits. For all of you.
I swallowed the uncomfortable ball of emotion in my throat and forced a neutral expression on my face as I responded, “What’s up?”
“We need to talk. Not here.”
Shit.
Was his jaw clenched in anger? Betrayal? Had he found out? Sweat beaded along my lip, and I wiped it away with the back of my sleeve. What did I say? How did I explain what happened?
The truth.
My grandma’s wisdom snuck into my daily actions and deep down, even though I knew it’d hurt, me, him, our team, I’d own up to it. It was the only path forward. “Look—”
“Not here.” His eyes flashed around the room, his cheeks reddening.
Double shit.
“Okay.” I shouldered my duffel bag, double-checked that my phone was in my pocket. I’m delaying this conversation. Reading other’s movements was my strength. Were they favoring one side, did they move right and jerk left? I did the same on Dean, but he remained still as a statue, his hands shoved in his sweatshirt pocket. The dude excelled at poker, and this was no different.
He hadn’t punched me in the face yet, so that was great.
We exited the locker room, a normal occurrence for a Wednesday night. We had special teams practice, and it was our last tough workout before game day that weekend. We nodded at our teammates before Dean led us south, like we’d walk back to our house.
“Are you leaving after this season?”
Wait. “Is that your… is this what we’re talking about?”
He stopped and frowned. “Yes. Why what—no. Don’t distract me. I know you need money for your grandma, but Lo told me how much money has come in with her project and… Luca. I want to play another year with you. I love playing with you, man, and our team is the best it’s ever been. We could have another season like this. I hate asking you this because I know what it means for you.”
“How much money… she hasn’t told me.” I swallowed, a prickle of annoyance at that fact. “What did she say?”
His shoulders lifted to his ears. “That they’ve made about twenty thousand dollars from donations alone and that schools and businesses partnered with them for repairs. Her work transformed that place. I even follow their accounts. Your grandma? Hilarious.”
Three things struck me hard and fast. The first—I missed talking to Lorelei. With our new arrangement, we had crazy, amazing, life-altering sex that went on for hours. We’d pass out after, and she’d sneak away, or I would. Were we just a booty call now?
The second—if what he said was true, why hadn’t she shared that with me? It hurt to learn it from Dean. Was she not comfortable telling me? Did my grandma know? I itched the back of my neck, my skin too hot and tight for the winter air.
The third—if this was true… was there a possibility of me staying one more year to get my degree and… enjoying life? Could this thing with Lorelei continue? Could I have another year playing with Dean and the guys?
“So, what do you think? You’re more quiet than normal. I overstep here?”
“No.” I rubbed my lips together, trying to nail down a response. “I honestly don’t have an answer. I didn’t know about the money. It might change the situation.”
“I understand if it doesn’t, but we could make a Bowl Championship this and next year. That’d be huge. We could leave a legacy here. If you wanted that.”
I did. But a change of plans was hard for me. The goal had always been to leave after junior year, but lately, staying sounded better. As long as my grandma is okay.
“Look, you don’t owe me a thing. You do what you need to, but as your friend, hell, brother, I wanted to bring it up. Call me selfish, but I like having your big grumpy ass around.”
The guilt grew twice in size. I had to tell him. Or end it.
Both options were not ideal.
“I appreciate it, Dean,” I croaked out, my voice giving away my inner turmoil.
He sighed, patted my back. “I know emotions stress you out, so I’ll leave.”
I didn’t correct his assumption. I let him think that was why I was emotional, confused. He walked away but I remained, letting the wind whip across my face and numb me for a few seconds. The cold felt good. Wanted. Needed to knock sense into me. The cold could push away the anger brewing.
Of everything he’d said, the thing that bothered me the most was that Lorelei hadn’t told me about the money. I thought everything was good between us, amazing even, but this seemed like a big deal? It meant her project was successful. It hurt. It more than hurt that she’d hid this from me. She wasn’t cruel, so if she chose not to tell me, there was a reason. But what? My mind spiraled, my emotions ping-ponging more than I was used to dealing with.
Sweat broke out on my forehead, my heart racing with all the reasons why she might’ve kept it from me.
Shit. I’d been so caught up in the chemistry between us that I hadn’t checked in about the project, her internship, Eric… god. Was I a complete asshole? Did she think I just wanted her for her body? I wanted her for her mind, smile, eyes, and body.
With a renewed energy to change this immediately, I hurried back to the house and stopped in my tracks. Lorelei sat on the couch, Callum a few feet to her right. She wore a hoodie that was too large for her and had the hood up and strings pulled tight so only a small part of her face showed.
“Oh fuck, oh shit, oh shit.” She buried her face in her hands. “What’s going on? Why is this happening?”
Callum laughed and hit her knee. “Just watch.”
“But he’s going to kill them!”
“It’s called Slasher 300, what did you think would happen? Knitting hats?”
“I don’t know! I wanted an adrenaline rush but not like this!” She stuffed her face into a pillow and Callum inched closer to her. She ducked her head against him, letting out a very high-pitched squeal.
Horror movies were my favorite. I loved Halloween. I watched all of them the week up to the holiday, and seeing her watch one with him caused a storm of anger through me. First, she told her brother about her project, then this? My head throbbed, and I fisted my hands at my sides.
I wanted to yell at her, demand an explanation. Was she intentionally angering me in a head game of sorts? Had I upset her, and she wanted revenge? I didn’t appreciate that at all. Not with a big game Friday.
Fuck this.
I huffed, the sound drawing their attention.
“Hey, Luca,” she said in her cheery, sing-song voice. “Oh, I like your sweatshirt.”
Her gaze trailed me head to toe, but instead of the rush of heat like I normally got when she did that, uneasy, uncomfortable knots of tension formed in my shoulders.
“I’m leaving,” I blurted out.
Don’t look back. Marching upstairs, regret had my shoulders slouching. She wasn’t shit to me, just a hookup buddy. I didn’t do feelings, even ones like anger or jealousy.
She didn’t want to talk to me? Fine. She could talk to everyone else for all I cared. I had football to worry about and my grandma! Yeah. I’d call her, remind myself of the goal. The endgame.
Scoffing, I rubbed my temples as I entered my room. I’d call my grandma and work out. Yes, that’d pass time until my mood improved.
It didn’t.
I did a thirty-minute set in my room, but that only made me angrier. Not at Lorelei though but at myself. I’d done this. I put myself in this position. I had no one to be mad at but me.
A low whistle came from my door, Lorelei leaned against the doorframe as she wiggled her eyebrows. “Hey sexy.”
“What do you want?”
Those dark brows rose three inches as she tilted her head. “Um, are you okay?”
“Fine.”
“Oh, are you?” Her gaze tightened, and she crossed her arms.
She still wore her hood, and it made her so fucking cute I couldn’t stand it.
I stared at her hard, my pulse racing through my veins. I had enough adrenaline to run a mile. I knew the rules, the consequences of developing feelings for her, yet they’d crept in, and I needed distance. “You here to fuck or what?”
“Wow, someone’s being a butthole today.” Her initial surprise molded to hurt. “I’m not here to fuck, but I wanted to share some awesome news. Clearly, clearly that’s not happening.”
She didn’t give me a chance to respond before she was out the door, taking her peach lotion with her. It’d be way easier to stay mad if she didn’t smell so damn good.
“Wait. What’s the good news?”
Did she get the internship? Had something happened?
“No.” She spun around, her finger in the air. “You don’t behave like an asshole and get the good parts of my day. I asked if you were okay, to which you said fine, so you can sit with your attitude alone. Why don’t you fuck your hand if you need it that badly?”
She let out a sigh, one that sounded like she was done with me. It was the same disgust she used when she talked about her ex. It was like a cold hand reached into my throat, fisted my heart, and yanked it out with the force of a linebacker.
“Lorelei.” I jumped up, not caring that sweat dripped all over me. She shut her bedroom door, the click of the lock like a slap in the face. “Can we talk, please? I’m… sorry.”
She flung it open, the movement making me lose balance. Her face gave nothing away, her skin bare and flush and perfect. She’d taken her hood off, and her hair was in braids, making me want to tug on them and pull her into my arms. How had this become so confusing? I was mad at her, but I was now apologizing.
“This is why I don’t do this,” I said, out loud and instead of my head. I froze, wishing I could take it back.
“Do what?”
“That’s not how it sounded. I mean, Christ.” I scrubbed my face. “I’m shit at this.”
“I don’t even know what this is but yes, you’re the worst at it.”
My lips twitched, and I wanted to kiss her. “You didn’t tell me about the money my grandma’s place earned, Dean did. And then.” I swallowed. “You were watching a horror film with Callum.”
She played with the strings on her sweatshirt, blinking slowly. “I didn’t intentionally keep anything from you about your grandma. I would never do that.”
“Wait, I’m not saying you would. I know that.” I gripped the back of my neck, sweating even more. This wasn’t going well. “You love my grandma.”
“Then what’s the problem? These aren’t reasons to be an asshole to me.”
“You’re right. They’re not.” I groaned, cracking my neck left and right. She stared at me, her large brown eyes gutting me with how sad she looked. “I like it when you tell me everything. The stuff with my grandma or watching a movie or sharing good news. Seeing you with Callum… I hated it.”
“I do share stuff with you, but the only times we’re together are at night, and obviously you know I enjoy our arrangement.” Her cheeks reddened, and she ran her toe along the floorboard, her gaze tracking the movement. “You sound jealous.”
“I might be.” I wanted her to look at me.
Shit.
She did, and so much disappointment lined her face. “Luca, you’re never here, and if you are, your door is shut. I’d love to hang out with you more, but that’s… a relationship, and we don’t do that.”
Sadness echoed her voice, gripping me in the chest and stabbing me with a thousand papercuts. “Lo—”
“Round two?” Callum appeared at the top of the stairs, his face hopeful. “We’re starting the next one. Dean’s coming too, wants to relax. Oliver is making his dad’s homemade popcorn recipe, so basically, it’s a fucking party. You in, Monroe or nah? It’s library night, yeah?”
Lorelei didn’t glance at me as she headed toward Callum, and even her strut looked sad. That didn’t seem like the walk of someone who intentionally was playing games with me. It seemed like I’d hurt her, and that gutted me.
My phone buzzed in my hand, pulling me from the mental turmoil.
Grandma: I love Lorelei. She sent me COOKIES. Why aren’t you dating her?
I didn’t have an answer because I didn’t fucking know anymore.
