Self-loathing was a new one for me. It was easier to be mad at the world, not myself, but this time, it was all me. I shouldn’t have given in to temptation, to tasting her, to imaging for a short amount of time what it’d mean to be hers. Hell, being a part of her life when she damn well knew what I had to lose had no happy ending.
She’d changed the rules on me. She didn’t want to be a secret anymore, and I couldn’t blame her. This was on me. I should’ve kept on my way, random hookups, and football.
I didn’t expect to miss her.
Not like this.
It’d been a week, and Lorelei’s room sat empty. Instead of hearing her sing or walk around as she FaceTimed her friend, she wasn’t there. No music, no laughter, no hints of her delicious perfume. No wild hair I’d sneak a peek at just because it made me so happy. I heard her tell Dean she found a place with her friend. She’d be out in December. The thought of her leaving gutted me to my core. Every workout, study session, game tape, and conversation I had since that chat was dulled, distorted, lacking in color and joy.
People chose to do this, have relationships and develop feelings. It was messy and gross, and it distracted me from my normal life. It was a Saturday, and we had an off week, so it wasn’t like I could dive into football and obsess over my last performance. Football was who I was, and without devoting every second to it, I didn’t know what to do, who to be.
Be a better friend. A boyfriend. Grandson.
I could see if Dean wanted to hang. Yeah, I’d do that. But first, I called my grandma. She’d help me figure this out. I fell onto my bed, my phone already to my ear.
“Is there a reason why you’re calling instead of being here with your frail old lady?”
My lips twitched. “No one would call you frail.”
“I’m precious. On the tail end. You should be here with Lorelei, boy. It’d be fun to razz ya.”
“Lorelei’s there?” I asked, my stomach hollowing out. That was our thing. It was my grandma. She went without me and didn’t even tell me. The lingering heartache doubled in size, an ache in my stomach forming like I’d worked out too hard without rest.
My grandma sucked in a breath. “She is, Luca. She told me you were stressed about an assignment and wanted to come.”
Silence.
“She lied for you.” Then, my grandma said, “Now, I wondered because she seemed sad. The light wasn’t there in her gaze. Mm, you tell me what happened right now.”
“Grandma, is she listening?” My face heated.
“No, I’m not an idiot. She’s with the gang in the kitchen, wanting to know about our food for a feature idea.” She coughed, lowering her voice. “I love you, but there’s no way she broke your heart. That girl is too kind and genuine, and you’re a tad too grumpy. What did you do?”
“What makes you think I did anything? She’s the one who changed the expectations and wanted more when I don’t have more to give.”
“What does that even mean? I saw how you looked at her. You followed her like a lost pup. She’s wonderful, so what’s the problem? You either wanna be with her or not. It’s not complicated.”
“It is.” I gritted my teeth, pushing up from my bed and pacing my room. Each step broke through more of my uncertainty. How had Lorelei gotten there? Had she driven herself? What if a deer hit her car? Had Callum taken her? Fuck. I scrubbed my face, frustrated at the world. “I can’t lose sight of the goal.”
“Does she make you happy?”
“Yes, but—”
“Luca. Life is too damn short to not do things that make you happy. What is this? Is it fear of someone leaving you? She clearly loves you too, so fix this. Be happy. Seeing you smile with her… you’ve had to grow up faster than most kids. You were the one with the old woman at home, and you’ve experienced heartache very few ever have had to. You’ve had this angry chip on your shoulder your entire life, and it was… watching that chip melt away the more you were with Lorelei made me happy.” She sniffed.
Worst sound in the world. I made my hero cry. “Grandma, no.”
“I want you happy. Please. It’s the point of life. What were the reasons for those sacrifices if you’re not happy? That’s what I want.” Her shaky voice was barely above a whisper, yet the impact was like she shouted.
My eyes stung.
“And I want you taken care of. Getting drafted early gets me more money, so I can pay for your—”
“Excuse me? Excuse me?” Her tone went nuclear. “If you finish this sentence, be very, very careful. It is not your damn job to ruin your life to take care of me. It is to enjoy life, figure out what you want to do. This place is fine. Perfect, even. I expect visits and phone calls. That is it. Nothing more fancy than here. I swear, Luca James Monroe, if you’re using me as an excuse, I will kill you. I’ll make it look like an accident too. I’ve been watching some shows.”
A horrible, snort-laugh sound escaped me. Not quite joy, not tears. “I need you healthy and safe. I owe you my life.”
“As noble as you are, I’m doing fine. Better than fine, actually. We agreed on a budget for me and we’re sticking to it. You should never worry about me. You already do so much for me, I’d never forgive myself if you sacrificed a shot at happiness. Now, here’s a real hard question. Do you want to leave school early and not graduate?”
No. “My plan was always—”
“Is that what I asked? Yes or no.”
I chewed the inside of my cheek. “No.”
“Then it’s settled. Now, do you want to be with Lorelei?”
“Yes.”
“Then fix whatever happened. Shit, she’s coming back. I hear her. She made Bob laugh. The grumpiest man I’ve ever known. She’s got a heart of gold, Luca, and I can’t think of anyone better suited to take yours.” She covered the phone, yelling. “Be right there, Lorelei! Okay, gotta go. Love you! Fix this! Or murder!”
She hung up, leaving me with my mind spiraling. Admitting the truth about staying here, being with Lorelei felt like a mammoth-sized weight had been lifted off my shoulders. I wanted to fight my grandma, but her words kept repeating in my head, so much that they started to make sense.
She wanted me happy.
Finishing out my senior year with Dean would make me happy. Being with Lorelei, for real, would make me happy. Losing my strict routine and finding ways to enjoy life would make me happy.
I’m going to tell Dean.
That was a bolt of adrenaline, causing my knees to bounce with energy. I’d have to tell him the truth, but first… I had to talk to Lorelei.
Thank goodness I lived across from her.
She never came home, and if it weren’t for Dean casually mentioning the fact she was staying at her friend’s place, I would’ve lost my shit. She didn’t respond to my texts to call me, and each minute that passed without seeing her set my blood on fire. A painful burn. I wanted her, and now that I’d let go of my fear, my restraint, I couldn’t tell her fast enough.
Dean sat in the kitchen Sunday afternoon wearing a soccer sweatshirt and a beanie with Lorelei’s number on it. He nodded at me as I stopped in the doorway. “Hey, Monroe.”
The game! Yes! I could go watch her play!
“When are you leaving for the game?” I checked my watch. This was a way better plan than stalking her bedroom until she returned. I could watch her play and cheer her on. Maybe even tell Dean the truth while we were there. “I’m coming too.”
“In like five minutes.” Dean took a huge bite of a protein bar and frowned at me. “Why do you want to go?”
“Support your sister.”
“Fair. I like that you two are friends.” He held out a fist for a bump and finished the rest of his snack. “I’m driving cause it’s cold. Meet me outside in five.”
I did, and my nerves were frayed. Torn to little bits at the thought of telling him the truth. He tapped his fingers on the wheel, whistling and in an entirely better mood than he’d been the last few weeks. I could destroy his happiness and our friendship, with one sentence. I want to date your sister.
My lips cracked from my constant chewing. I would wait for the right time. Yes, I’d wait it out. I didn’t have to do it right now. Content with postponing, we parked and headed toward the stands as we chatted about the football team.
Once we got to the seats, my gaze went directly to Lorelei. She stood on the sidelines, hands on her hips and her hair in a big ponytail. She smiled and did a leg kick handshake with her friend before spinning in a circle. Her shorts showcased her muscles, and fuck, she took my breath away.
“So, you thinking about staying then or unsure?” Dean asked, his brows coming together as he followed my gaze.
“I’m staying.”
“Dude, that’s huge. Fuck yes!” He pulled me into a side hug. “We can make ourselves legends next year. Legends.”
I nodded, barely paying attention when the game started. The weather was terrible, almost freezing and overcast. I shivered in my winter coat, but the girls wore shorts and Under Armour. That was it. Lorelei sprinted down the field, the ball near her feet when thud. An opponent slammed into her, the yellow jersey clashing with our navy ones, and Lorelei hit the ground. The sound of their bodies hitting echoed in the air. That couldn’t have been a legal hit. Their heads clashed.
My vision blurred, my stomach clenching. She remained lying down, unmoving. Her teammates swarmed her, the crowd going silent as my pulse blared in my ears like a siren.
Is she moving?
Why wasn’t she getting up?
Without thinking, I walked down the stairs and closer to the field. Her friend Mack stood by her, her face pale. The coach and team trainer ran toward her, someone shouting in the distance.
“Get up,” I mumbled, fear paralyzing me as I stood against the fence. “Get up, Lo. Get up.”
I gripped the edge of the railing, damn near ready to break it off when Lorelei sat up. The trainer lifted her and supported her weight. People in the stands clapped. I tuned it all out and stared at the girl I loved.
How could I have been so stupid? She owned my heart, and I was gonna pretend she didn’t? She seemed dazed, hazy even. She moved from one person to the next, her legs wobbly. She had to be scared. Fuck, I wanted to be there to comfort her. Would they let me go back there? Hold her hand? Tell her I’d be there no matter what?
I could jump the fence. Yeah, they wouldn’t stop me. I hoisted myself up right as Dean approached, his face twisted with worry. “What are you doing?”
“Going back there. She must be terrified, and I want to be there for her. She needs me.”
“The fuck you mean by that?” He stilled, his gaze moving from my face to his sister, then back. “I’m here. I can be there for her.”
“Romano!” Someone yelled.
Dean glared at me, suspicion and hurt in his eyes before he hopped the fence. With one scathing look, he jogged toward the trainer and disappeared into the locker room with his sister.
I had no idea what to do. My girl was hurt, and she had no idea I was completely hers. She had her brother, who was probably going to kill me, and I just needed to know she was okay. Was it a concussion? A strained ligament? Would she be able to play again soon?
The game continued, and Dean and Lorelei were gone. I’d find a way home and wait for them there, desperate and hopeful that they’d both still speak to me. In my plan to win Lorelei back and talk to Dean, it backfired.
And for the first time in my life, I wasn’t worried about football.
