The truth of how I feel burns a hole in my chest as Xeno escorts his latest girlfriend, Dee, out of the basement. I can hear her complaining about the fact that I get to stay behind and hang out when she doesn’t. It’s past one in the morning, and for the last half-hour she’s been putting off leaving, desperate to get to stay and encroach on my time with my Breakers.
Girlfriends are a pain in my arse.
Over the course of our friendship, they’ve all had a girlfriend at one point or the other. They never last long, mainly because the guys get bored easily or the girls start moaning about their friendship with me. On the other hand, I’ve never had a boyfriend, unless you count all four of them. Which, of course, I don’t.
“Come on, Xeno,” Dee whines from beyond the closed door. “Let me stay, I’ll make it worth your while.”
He doesn’t respond with words, and it goes suspiciously quiet. A few moans later it’s clear how he’s got her to shut the hell up. I try not to throw up in my mouth.
“You alright, Titch?” York asks me. He pins me with his gaze, and I try not to give anything away, but given the way he’s watching me, it appears that it’s already too late for that.
He always seems to know when I’m down, and whilst most of the time I love that he’s so attentive, tonight I wish he’d leave me the fuck alone. I’ve had to endure Xeno and Dee playing tonsil tennis all night and it’s driving me crazy. When Zayn copped off with her friend, it took everything in me not to throw a hissy fit. Thankfully, York and Dax kept me company. So I got through the torture, just.
“Titch?” he prompts, leaning forward and resting his elbows on his knees, giving me his undivided attention.
“I’m just dandy,” I lie, waving him off and wishing I didn’t feel like my heart has been carved out of my chest and trodden on. It’s not Xeno or Zayn’s fault, in their minds we’re best friends, just like the rest of the Breakers. Except that isn’t strictly true because firstly, Dax and I shared a kiss a couple weeks ago and secondly, I’ve been in love with them all for months now.
“Well, I think you need a drink for putting up with Xeno’s side piece all night. In fact you need a medal, but I haven’t got one of those. Will vodka and Cola do?” he asks me with a wide grin, blinding me with his handsome face. God, when he did he get so good-looking?
“Yeah, I think it will.” It might take the edge off the jealousy I feel and dampen my raging hormones a bit. Nodding, he heads over to the fridge to fix me a drink.
On the floor, Zayn is sprawled out flat on his back smoking a joint. The heavy scent of weed lifts into the air, floating around the space. I’m getting high from the second-hand smoke. He turns to his side, the whites of his eyes pink from all the Mary-J in his system. As he moves his t-shirt creeps up showing me a flash of tan, muscled skin and a trail of dark hair that disappears beneath the waistband of his jeans.
“Guess Xeno’s busy tickling her pickle.” He laughs at his own joke for much longer than necessary.
“Sounds like it,” I agree, rolling my eyes to cover my scowl.
“I wonder if her little friend Chastity would hook up with me again if I asked nicely?” he muses.
“I imagine Destiny would love it, if you remembered her name right, that is.”
Zayn looks at me wide-eyed, then bursts out laughing, too high to notice the jealousy in my voice. “Fuck me, I meant Destiny! She had a great arse though, that I do remember.”
Blowing out a breath, I almost tell York to hurry the fuck up with the drink. Loving these boys and having to put up with their hands on every other girl in Hackney, bar me, is harder than I thought.
“Shut the fuck up, Zayn,” Dax says, eyeing me up from the other side of the room. He strolls over, all height and muscles and steps over Zayn who is too out of it to even notice the anger in his tone. Tonight, he’s wearing baggy shorts paired with a graphic t-shirt and hoodie which, as usual, is pulled up over his head. Dax looks more like a skater dude than a badass dancer.
“Can I sit?” he asks me.
“Of course,” I respond, feeling weirded out by the formality.
He plonks himself on the sofa next to me and for a while doesn’t say anything, but I can feel his gaze on my face as I pull at a piece of string hanging from my t-shirt and try to block out the muffled moans coming from the other side of the basement door.
York returns with my drink, handing it to me before laying out on the floor next to Zayn and taking the joint from him. I watch as his pink lips wrap around the blunt and he inhales slowly. His gaze flicks between me and Dax, an unreadable expression on his face. We all kind of sit in silence trying to ignore the fact Xeno is most likely fucking Dee just beyond the closed door. I gulp down half of my drink, grateful for the fact York has given me a double. Hopefully the alcohol will start kicking in soon.
“You alright?” Dax eventually asks.
“I’d be better if I didn’t have to listen to Xeno and Dee fucking in the hallway…”
Without meaning to, I heave out a sigh and press my eyes shut at the sudden tears that form. Dax wraps his arm around my shoulder and pulls me in close, surprising me with his sudden affection and his words.
“No matter who comes and goes, you’re ours, Kid. Don’t forget it,” he says loudly enough for Zayn and York to hear. He seems just as pissed off as I am.
To be fair, usually they’re all so careful around me. Making sure I don’t feel uncomfortable about the girls they’re seeing and reassuring me that I’m still their number one priority. For the most part, they treat me with respect and kindness. Tonight, however, it’s felt like Xeno’s been rubbing my face in it with Dee, and Zayn has been too high to filter the words coming out of his mouth or curb his behaviour around the girls. There’s been a couple times I’ve wanted to leave, but either Dax or York has stopped me, managing to persuade me to stay.
“Yeah, I guess,” I mumble, my words catching in my throat.
Dax bends closer and whispers in my ear. “Actually, screw them if they don’t see what they have right in front of them. You’re my lucky coin, Pen. I’ll always take care of you.”
My heart kind of does a summersault in my chest at his protective words and I sink into his side, wanting more than anything to wrap my arms around his waist but knowing if I do, I won’t be able to hide my true feelings towards him. We haven’t mentioned the kiss since it happened. We haven’t kissed again either and it’s not because I don’t want to, because I do.
I really, really do.
I’ve thought of nothing else.
Actually, that’s a lie. I’ve been thinking about the others daily, wondering what it would feel like if they were to kiss me too. I’m a greedy, thirsty bitch, and my heads been all over the place because of it.
“Dax…” I respond, pulling back to meet his gaze, the last thing I want is to get between them all. We should never have crossed that line. I’ve been so careful not to show my true feelings, to keep everything under wraps until that night when he almost killed a man for my honour. No one has ever stuck up for me like that before. I’ve always had to fight my own battles.
“It’s okay, Kid. I get it.” He looks away from me, but I see the tenseness in his jaw and the flicker of pain in his eyes. There’s so much left unsaid between us and I know I should be braver than I am and talk to him. I just can’t do that now with everyone watching.
“You don’t understand,” I say, trying to make him see that it isn’t him. It’s me. I’m the one who has fallen for all of her best friends. I’m the one who’s in the wrong.
Ever since I walked in on Xeno dancing in the basement with his ex-girlfriend a few months ago, I’ve not been the same. Jealousy plagues me daily, and not just with Xeno. If any of my Breakers looks at a girl, let alone makes one their girlfriend it takes everything in me not to rage at the world.
They’re mine.
Except they’re not, not really, not in that way. We’re friends. We’re the best of friends and I just happen to be in love with all of them.
Twenty minutes after he left, Xeno returns with flushed cheeks and a smug look on his face that he settles on me the second he walks into the room. I down the last of my drink and heave a sigh. What is it with him tonight?
“I need the toilet,” I mumble, pulling out of Dax’s hold and entering the bathroom. I really should go home instead of crashing here like I do most weekends. Mum doesn’t care where I am, and if it wasn’t for Lena worrying about me, I would always stay out. Deciding that it’s best I head off, I push open the door to find Dax and Xeno toe-to-toe, York trying to break them up and Zayn shaking his head as though he’s hallucinating and not actually witnessing his best friends going at it.
“You know exactly what I’m talking about, arsehole!” Dax growls, pressing his finger into Xeno’s chest.
“Do that again, motherfucker, and I’ll knock you out!” Xeno explodes, shoving Dax with both hands.
I don’t think. I act.
Rushing forward I get in between them both. I might be small, but I won’t let that stop me. They might have tussled over the years I’ve known them, but I’ve never seen them like this with each other. Not ever.
“Get out of the way, Tiny,” Xeno growls, not taking his eyes off Dax.
“No. I won’t. You two need to calm the fuck down!”
“Fuck, guys. Lay off each other, alright?” York intercedes, trying and failing to get them to stop.
“Fuck you too, York. Acting like you don’t fucking know!”
“Know what?” Zayn pipes up, getting to his feet. He’s still high, but this seems to be sobering him up fast.
“Listen, we can talk about this,” York insists, a look passing between him and Dax. “We’re friends. We’re a team, a crew. Don’t do this…”
But Xeno doesn’t listen, he shoves me to the side and punches Dax. I fall sideways, smacking my head against the corner of the upturned wooden crate that we use as a coffee table.
“Fuck! Is she okay? I didn’t mean to hurt her…” I hear Xeno say before I pass out.
I groan, my eyelids fluttering open as my vision blurs with colours and shapes. A sharp pain lances through my skull and I reach upwards automatically, only to find someone else’s hand already pressed against the spot that hurts. Blinking back the tears that spring to my eyes, I try and focus. Eventually, the colours and shapes form into a familiar person.
“She’s awake,” Dax says gently, looking down at me in relief. He’s cupping my face with his free hand and stroking his thumb over my cheekbone. I try to sit up, but he shakes his head. “Not yet, you need to be still for a bit longer.”
“Bloody fuck, my head hurts,” I grumble, heeding his warning.
Dax chuckles at my response, but his smile quickly falls as he leans closer, serious now. For a moment I think he’s going to kiss me as his eyes soften with his touch. Then Zayn peers over his shoulder and he sits back suddenly, his fingers pressing against the bump on my head a little harder than he intended.
“Ow,” I whimper, my head pounding in time with my heart.
“Shit, sorry,” he mutters, pulling his hands away as guilt lacerates his face.
“Fuck me, Pen, you scared us all to death,” Zayn says, blowing out a long breath. His night-time eyes rove over every inch of my face as he takes me in. There’s something in the depths of them that makes me feel all warm inside. Heat creeps up my neck at his attention. At both of their attention. “You’ve been out almost an hour.” He’s no longer high, and there’s a seriousness to his gaze that has me swallowing hard.
“I’ll get you some painkillers. I always carry some in my rucksack,” Dax explains, indicating for Zayn to take his place, and moves away abruptly. I try to turn and look at him, but it hurts too much to move.
“Thanks,” I murmur, blinking back the pain that’s like a knife pressed into my skull. “What happened?”
“You cracked your head on the crate. Knocked you clean out. You’ve got a small cut and a lump, but it’s not deep enough to need stitches. York did some first aid and patched you up whilst you were sleeping,” Zayn explains.
“How did I manage…”
Then I wince as it all comes back to me in a rush. Xeno pushed me out of the way so he could punch Dax. They were fighting. My eyes widen and a sick feeling churns in my stomach.
“Yeah, Dax and Xeno were at each other’s throats. York’s taken Xeno for a walk to calm him down. I’ve never seen him so upset.”
“Because of his fight with Dax?”
“No, because he hurt you. The guy’s cut up about it. The second you hit the deck, they pulled their heads out of their arses and stopped fighting.”
“I can hear you, you know,” Dax grumbles from the other side of the room.
“I know, dickwad,” Zayn retorts.
“Why were they fighting anyway?” I ask quietly, though deep down inside I think I know the answer already.
“Over you,” a familiar voice states.
Zayn gives me a look before leaning over and pressing a gentle kiss against my forehead. The imprint of his kiss remains warm against my skin long after he’s pulled away. When he moves out of my line of sight, I see York and Xeno in the doorway. Xeno looks grim and York relieved.
“We came back as soon as Dax texted us you’d woken up. How’re you doing, Titch?” York asks me.
“Like I’ve had a bang on the head.” I pull a face, then wince, then laugh.
“Fuck,” Xeno mutters under his breath. “I’m so sorry, Pen.” When he uses my name, I know he’s serious. He looks pale, haunted.
“That’s Tiny to you,” I murmur, forgiving him in an instant. He didn’t mean to hurt me, I know that. We all do.
Dax hands me the painkillers and after I’ve rested for another ten minutes, I finally feel okay enough to sit up. The pain in my head is a dull throb but manageable. Drawing on a long sigh, I fold my hands together in my lap and look at each of my Breakers in turn, feeling exhausted but determined. “I think we need to talk,” I say gently.
York grins, giving me a warm smile “Thank fuck. It’s time the air was cleared.”
“I agree,” Zayn says, looking at me in such a way that makes my skin heat.
Xeno catches my eye. “Yeah, we do need to talk. It’s time for the truth.”
“The truth,” Dax repeats, nodding tightly.
