A woman was screaming in my dreams, her terror ripping through me as though it were my own.
I flew out of the bed like it was on fire, my hand going immediately to my nightstand drawer where I’d stashed my gun earlier. Before I was even fully awake, I had a bullet in the chamber as my eyes swung around the room, searching for the threat.
But there was no one there except me and Sera, who was lying stiff and still, her face contorted in terror as breathless screams tore from her throat, triggering things inside of me I’d rather not revisit.
My heart began to pound, and my hands started to shake. I broke out into a cold sweat. Sera struggled against the invisible bonds holding her in place, tears flowing down her cheeks. Carefully, I slid the safety on and set the gun down on the nightstand. It rattled as it hit the wood, and I quickly let go of it. Memories of Alessandra and Elliot swept through me, distorting my vision of reality. Concentrating on my breathing, I fought down the panic attack that was threatening to overwhelm me.
Quite a traumatized pair we were.
I knew how to talk her down earlier, and I used those same tactics on myself now. Sera needed me. I didn’t have time to give in to this pussy bullshit. So as I climbed back onto the bed, I counted three things I could feel. Three things I could see. Three things I could smell. And when I reached her, I was out of my own head enough to take her by the shoulders and sit her up. “Sera. Baby, it’s me. It’s just me.”
Her head lolled to the side and her eyes rolled back in her head as she tried to fight me off with weak strikes of her fists. I kept talking to her, repeating the same thing over and over until the screams died in her throat and her eyes fluttered open. Lifting her head, she blinked as she tried to focus on me.
“It’s me, baby. It’s just me. You’re safe. You’re okay.”
“Enzo?” Her voice was raspy from screaming.
“You’re here with me. I won’t let anything happen to you,” I promised her.
Her eyes skittered around the room and then came back to me. “I’m sorry,” she whispered. “I was dreaming I was back there and…” She didn’t finish what she was about to say, but she didn’t have to.
“I know.”
“Can I have some water?”
Her question took me off guard. “Yes. I’ll get you some.” It was only when I removed my hands from her shoulders and saw the white fingermarks on her skin that I realized how tightly I’d been holding her. A sharp pang of guilt shot through me. The last thing she needed was to be manhandled right now. “I’ll be right back.” Quickly, I slid off the bed and walked out to the living area and got her a bottle of water from the small refrigerator.
“Thank you,” she said when I gave it to her.
I watched her take a long drink, then I sat down on the side of the bed. “Better?”
She stared down at the bottle in her hands. “No,” she told me. “Are you?”
“Me?”
She nodded.
“I’m fine. I’m just concerned about you.”
“Why?”
“Why?” I couldn’t keep the incredulousness out of my tone.
“Yeah.” She paused for a moment, and then the rest of the words came out in a rush. “Why, Enzo? Why are so concerned about a girl you barely know? Why did you risk your life to help me?”
Her eyes bore into mine, searching for the truth. And I gave it to her. “Because we made a deal, and I always uphold my end of a deal.” And because, deal or no deal, you’re mine. The truth of it slammed into me so hard it nearly sent me reeling backward on the bed. And in its wake, a flood of anxiety followed. But I fought it back. She wasn’t my wife. She wasn’t Alessandra. I could keep her safe. From the family. From her father.
From me.
“What if I want out of our agreement?”
Although the question was asked with an innocent curiosity, pain flared in the center of my chest. “Is that true?”
She hesitated, lowering her eyes as she frowned down at her lap, and the pain was replaced by hope. “Honestly, I don’t know anything right now.”
I wanted to touch her. To erase the memories of the other men. Men who’d taken what was mine. But I was afraid if I did, she would freak out on me again. I could see the tension in her body. The way she held herself so rigidly, so straight and tall. And yet I felt like the touch of a feather would shatter her into a million pieces.
My anger returned, unreasonable and violent, rushing through my veins. “We have an agreement, you and I. And I expect you to live up to your end of it.” I stopped, closed my eyes, and took a breath before opening them again. “Not right now. Not tonight. But soon. We made a deal, Sera,” I repeated. Even as I heard the words leave my mouth, I felt like the biggest mezzo di merda—piece of shit—in the world. But I couldn’t stop myself from making these demands of her. I couldn’t let her leave my life. Not now. Not yet.
She stared at me through tear-filled eyes and didn’t say a word.
“Do you want to go back to your father? Because I can make that happen. I can pick up the phone right fucking now, and his men will be here to haul your ass back to Dallas in a matter of hours. Is that what you want?” I pressed.
“No,” she whispered.
God, I was a fucking monster. Because the only thing I wanted to do right now was to push her back on the bed and shove my cock so far inside of her that there would be nothing and no one but me for her. No memories. No threat of her father. No mafia. Nothing. Just me and her until she gave in to me. “Sera.”
Raw need colored my voice when I said her name. Hearing it, she inhaled sharply, and her eyes shot to mine. I wanted to tell her how I’d died inside when I found out she went missing. How the only thing that kept me from going completely mad was the fact that we had the video and knew who’d taken her. I wished I’d kept his heart, so I could present it to her now as a bloody offering to prove my loyalty.
But I didn’t say any of that. I couldn’t. The words stuck in my throat. Yet whatever she saw in my eyes, the pain and anguish and madness, it drew her to me like I was a white-hot flame. She leaned toward me until I reached up and cupped her face in my hand. “Sera,” I whispered.
The touch of her lips on mine was something I never thought I would feel again as I’d waited for the call from Rene, telling me that he couldn’t find her. Or that if he had found something, it was her dead body. The fear that I refused to let myself feel then rose inside of me now, making me desperate to feel her, warm and alive, beneath me. To smell her scent. To hear her voice call my name. To feel the pain of her nails digging into my skin, and the wet heat of her cunt wrapped around my cock.
“Sera.” I moaned her name against her lips. A plea to let me bring her pleasure. Not pain. Not again. Never again. “I want to touch you.” Softly, I bit her lower lip.
I felt her stiffen and pull away slightly, but I still had my hand cupped around her cheek and I brought up my other hand so she couldn’t run away. Her eyes were wide as they locked onto mine.
“I won’t hurt you,” I told her. “I swear I won’t hurt you. I only want to make you feel good. Please, allow me to do that for you. Let me do this for you. Let me show you how good I can make you feel.”
“You’ve already done that. Before.”
A fresh wave of guilt tore through me when I remembered how violently I’d taken her innocence. And even after it had happened, after I’d seen her tears and felt her pain, I couldn’t keep my hands off of her and I’d taken her again in the bathtub. I’d tried to make it better for her that time, but I know it had to still hurt. And the men who’d had her in that fucking house—my gut clenched until I wanted to vomit just thinking about it—they hadn’t given two shits about the woman they were using.
I pressed my forehead to hers, my hands gentle on her face even as my muscles shook with the effort it took me to hold myself still. “No,” I told her. “I didn’t. I was too rough. And I hurt you. And for that, Sera, I’m so sorry.”
“You didn’t know,” she whispered.
I pulled away just enough that I could see her face. “I need to touch you.” But I made no move to do so, knowing instinctively that if I forced her now, I would never get her back. Physically, I could take her body and do what I wanted with it. But that would make me no better than them. No, I couldn’t take her the way I wanted to until I had her complete surrender. And that would take time and trust. So, for now, I needed to wait for her permission. Even if it fucking killed me.
My heart stopped as her eyes dropped down to my chest and her hand rose, slow and shaky, to touch me. I held my breath as I waited, so attuned to her I felt the heat of her fingers just before they brushed my bare skin. With a touch that was barely a touch, her fingertips skimmed over my flesh, tracing the circle of the tattoo that covered my pec.
My eyes closed, and I ground my teeth together as my body reacted to her touch, hardening to the point of pain. My breath sawed in and out of my lungs in short pants.
She pulled her hand away and turned her head, then swallowed hard. “I’m sorry, Enzo. I can’t.”
The monster inside of me rose up, growling his impatience. I wanted to reassure her and let her know it was okay. I understood it was going to take time. That some people dealt with trauma better than others. But I couldn’t trust myself to speak. I wasn’t used to being told no. From anyone. Leaving her alone on the bed, I headed for the whiskey. The only thing that was going to save her right now was if I got shitfaced drunk. And even then, it was questionable.
I threw back one glass and was pouring another when she followed me out to the other room. “What are you doing?”
“Getting drunk.”
She didn’t say anything, but I could feel her staring at me. I sighed. “Go back to bed, Sera.”
Instead, she remained where she was. “Maybe I should stay somewhere else.”
I swung around to find her standing just inside the room, twisting her hands nervously in front of her. “No. You’ll stay here.”
“Enzo…”
“I said you’ll stay here. I can control myself, Sera.” And I could. I would. Even if it fucking killed me. For her.
The look she gave me made it clear she didn’t know whether or not to believe me. “I just thought it might be easier for you.”
“For me? Or for you?” I took a long drink, wishing the alcohol would hurry the hell up and make me numb so I could escape these things I felt for her.
Her eyes dipped down to my sex and shot back up to my face. Her neck and cheeks flushed red. I was only wearing my boxer briefs, and my erection was obvious.
“Where would you go?” I asked her to get my mind off of her eyes on my cock.
She frowned and then shrugged. “I don’t know. I could get a different room.”
I fell back on the only thing I could. “That wasn’t part of our deal, Sera.”
Her mouth opened, and I fully expected her to tell me she wanted out. A request I would deny. But then she closed it again. Without another word, she went back into the bedroom.
“Jesus fucking Christ.” I wasn’t sure who I was cursing at. Sera, or myself. I poured myself another whiskey and chugged it down.
What the hell was this pull she had on me? I didn’t understand it. And I didn’t like it. But I was done trying to lie to myself about it. I barely knew her, and yet I was willing to risk my life for her. To kill for her. To deny myself…for HER.
I poured myself another whiskey. Walking over to the couch, I sat down with my drink and stared out at the lights of the city. I’d been obsessed with Alessandra when I’d first met her, too. It was my nature. But not like this. I’d been young then, with all of the randiness of youth. Hell, I had a hard on more often than not whether she was in the room with me or not. She was my first love, and what I’d had to do to her ate away at my insides for years. It still did. But she’d left me with no other choice. It was her or both of us.
And yet, sometimes I wondered what my life would be like now if I’d chosen her and somehow managed to live through it. Where would we be living? Would we have had more children? Would we be happy? Or would we have outgrown each other and I would’ve left the only family I’d ever known for nothing?
Alessandra would still be alive, but what would I be? Who would I be?
I couldn’t imagine my life being anything but what it was now. Being a part of the mafia was all I’d ever known, and it wasn’t as hard as people thought it was. There were rules we lived by. Clear, black and white rules. Rules that were never broken without consequences.
Sometimes this life was bloody and violent, but it was only that way to protect the ones we loved. To protect the rules that kept us alive and out of jail. My life was orderly. I knew my place as one of Luca’s soldiers. And after Alessandra, I allowed myself to care for no one except him and Tristan. The two people who had been with me through everything, and who I could depend on to always be there because we protected each other and we followed the rules. If I had the need for a woman, I called Jade. I knew what to expect with her, and I liked it that way. There were no feelings involved. No uncontrollable hunger. She was pretty, and she knew how to conduct herself in whatever situation she found herself in.
She didn’t fuck me up inside until I couldn’t think straight. Until the fear of losing her twisted my guts into knots. No woman had ever done that. Not even my wife.
Until Sera knocked on my door and threw my world into a tailspin. I felt off balance. Distracted. And that wasn’t good for me or the people I was sworn to protect. I should have Luca call her father and let him come and take her. I knew this. It would be the smart thing to do. The right thing to do. Because what would her life be with me? Would she end up six feet in the ground like Alessandra? Would she constantly try to run from me? She was trying to escape the world of the mafia, not become more entwined in it.
And if I forced her to stay, she would only grow to hate me.
With these thoughts swirling in my head, I inhaled deeply, and the scent of bleach burned my lungs. In the morning, I’d check her skin to make sure she hadn’t done any serious damage to herself.
Getting up, I walked quietly into the bedroom. Sera was curled up under the comforter, but I knew by her breathing she wasn’t asleep yet. Still, I was quiet as I crossed the room to where I’d left my clothes and retrieved the items she’d given me earlier. A ring, a watch, and a money clip. Then I got my cell phone.
I took them all back out to the sitting room with me and laid them out on the coffee table, studying them as I drank. I would find out who these things belonged to.
And I would kill them.
For her.
